For some men, sex is the only way that is acceptable to them to achieve intimacy with women.  If their father did not show them by his example and words that a man can connect with a woman in a nonsexual way, this is the only way they know.  When a man like this becomes a father to a daughter, she presents him with a terrible dilemma.  As long as she is little, not yet womanly, his sexual and emotional ambivalences are kept at bay.  But once she begins to develop, her body complicates things for him.

I think that one of the main reasons that some fathers become emotionally detached from their daughters is their unconscious fear of being sexually attracted to them.   Where other fathers might sublimate this fear into indulgence, or rigidity, or rage, the distant father *denies* it with such energy that he can’t find anything halfway between love and lust.  It is easier to push his daughter away than to risk the only way he knows how to connect with a female: sexually.

Of course his daughter has no clue about his psychological turmoil.  All she knows is that he seems to be mad at her all the time, or he suddenly starts neglecting her.  She used to be close to her Dad, but now he seems distant, or starts criticizing her, or her clothes or her friends.  All she knows is that it’s hard to figure out what, if anything will please him the way she used to please him.

Daddy’s affectionate approval is the prize for which the daughter must feverishly work, providing she can find the key – the terribly good or extremely bad behavior that will get him to pay attention to her again. And when she cannot, she believes it must have something to do with her – it must be that she is not worth loving.

By assuming responsibility for her father’s emotional absence, she fills in the blanks of his inattentiveness with fantasies of how he would be if she *were* more lovable.  Self-blame gives the illusion of control – it is far more preferable to think that she is not “good enough” than to imagine that there is no feeling from her father at all, no possibility of ever gaining his love.

The consequences to a daughter of having an emotionally distant father can be varied.  She might have anorexia nervosa, with a distorted body image in a wish to be either Daddy’s adored boy or to be the asexual person without breasts that Daddy used to love.

Or she may, in adulthood, look for the kind of man who doesn’t really notice her, doesn’t look at her, doesn’t see her.  Emotionally distant fathers are a constant disappearing act in the hearts of their daughters, who do not get the full experience of having a father.  Rather, they get only glimpses of the shadow he leaves in his psychological and physical retreat from her.  And when these daughters enter into romantic relationships, it is the disappearing shadow, and not the whole man, to whom they often respond.

Another consequence is that sex with a man can become a kind of double bind.  If a father is sexually uptight when his daughter is a little girl, he transmits anxiety to her.  He doesn’t want her to sit on his lap, he isn’t comfortable hugging her – which makes her feel that it is “wrong” or uncomfortable to be demonstrative in a physical way with a man.  If being a good girl means not being physical, the result is her inhibition and repression.

In a sense these daughters are the fulfilled prophesies of their father’s own confusion and ambivalence.  In an attempt to be eternally good, “acceptable” girls, some daughters may relegate eroticism to the safe, forbidden zone of empty or inappropriate affairs, in which they can respond without shame.  They may plunge into anonymous sex with a zealous detachment, able to become erotically satisfied only when love is not at stake, only when there is nothing to lose.

Many other daughters of distant fathers are unable to reach orgasm, or achieve it with consistency, with *any* man.  They have trouble in bed because for them, affection and arousal are synonymous with rejection.  Often, the greater a woman’s difficulty in reaching orgasm, the more likely she is to be concerned about the lack of dependability of love objects.  She is concerned about how changeable relationships are, and how easily loved ones can be lost.  

Distant fathers, in retreating from emotional involvement with their children, create in them a poignant and profound longing for fatherly affection.  When these fathers remain hidden behind their emotional barriers, they become strangers both to their families and to themselves, unaware of their role in their children’s “father longing”, and blind to their complicity in their own isolation.

Social workers who go to white families usually deal with incest relations between causcasian father and daughter. For black families, the father beats up the kids and wife. Mexican father makes everyone follow him like a dictator. The social worker never had a case with Asian families. Hmm ..

Strangely enough, not sure why, but my best experiences have always been with older men who are all fathers...  I find that very exciting....

I have a lot to say on several points, but don't have the time, desire or energy todo such.  I must comment that your posts sound like text from somewhere.  Question is where? And, truthseeker if you are looking to either validate or get responses, good luck on a day when someone has the time.  Most people cannot do the things they need to do let alone wonder if any given post is sincere.  Still, I find the text you write interesting on a day when I can sit down for a good half hour to read it.  What is your purpose?  I can write my own book and I have my own references.  Give use some footnotes here....I need to know I'm not reading a cut and pasted textbook from some library.

This series of informational posts on the interpersonal and emotional effects of the family unit upon daughters is proving very interesting. It makes me all the more gratefull that I never fathered children. I now value the simple but fulfilling relationship I have with my dogs more than ever.
Loyal, affectionate, undemanding and they'll tear the throat out of anyone or anything that is a threat to me. With the regular addition of a Provider to fulfill my sexual needs I have found my ideal of a functional family unit.

  Cm.

Speaking as an older (early 50s) father (of two wonderful grown daughters)...you are not the first provider I've heard this from. Interesting.....

As to Truth's original post. Pontificating generalizations are in no way associated with "truth" at least as I see it.

I agree that this could be a reason.  

An awareness of why we behave in the ways that we do can make us less of a mystery to ourselves.  When we do this, we are less likely to be blind-sided by our reactions to the events in our lives, and to feel more in control.  

I am a father of an adult daughter, who has had many talks with fathers and daughters.

to go back and read the others..sometime.

There were things in this one that I can relate to, and I think a lot of what you've said here is quite true.

Regardless of anyone's comments, I think it's good to continue posting. If you've enlightened even one person, isn't it worth it?

Thanks, TS

After an absence of several months, I'm back and see that TS continues his "shade-tree" psychology sermons.

I don't argue with your right to opine TS, but each chapter you release further convinces me that you are the Theodore Kaczinsky of TER.  Let others (who may have the time and desire) judge.

Peace be with You.  

-- Modified on 8/4/2004 1:34:19 PM

-- Modified on 8/4/2004 1:41:46 PM

the statements are based on 'scientific' research/data or are the statements based on observations and anecdotal evidence?  While there may be some (may be even 'a lot of') truth in all the statements including the observations by the social worker, it may be wise to preface the original post as to whether it is based on specific data or conjecture.  I do not agree nor do I disagree with the statements.  As a social worker, I too have seen some examples of the statements made in the original post and the subsequent post about the social worker revelations.  I have also seen other reasons why daughters act a certain way.  This would make a great master's thesis for somebody.

Still, I'm sorry he's got so many unresloved issues.  But apparently he would rather inflict them upon us than pay a professional for the help he so obviously needs.

But I chose to take it as a joke and cracked up.

I like reading your posts cause they cheer me up.

hobby on!
fr

formal-sounding, and I tend to write “mini essays” even in my personal letters to people, much less in other contexts.  But I lighten up in person, believe it or not.  I have a great sense of fun, and enjoy sex which is friendly, fun, and above all comfortable for both parties involved.

I promise you and anyone else reading this that my posts are sincere.  My purpose is to try to help people.  I get meaning from doing this.  I do a great deal of it in my personal life too, and am usually told that the advice I gave turned out to be good advice.  I am a father figure to many, many people, and I believe that I have been a good “father” to them, as well as to my own children.

If you have a book in you, write it here on this board!  This is a good place to express ideas and see how other people react to them. I find it to be a very interesting group of people, with a lot of accumulated life experience among the participants. I myself would be happy to read any of your thoughts, and will make the time to do so.

it still is and you weren't invited