There's a thread below written by a guy who's wife told him no more sex, no more kissing, no more touching... I found it to be very sad, one of the more heartbreaking things I have seen on the Internets. And then followed up by choruses of "me too, my wife also" didn't help.

I don't understand what would drive a person to make such a unilateral decision about marital sex, but I do know that most women don't make decisions like that lightly, so whatever drove her has been an issue for quit a while. But the part that bothers me is that in none of these stories did the wife say "I'm having a problem - I've lost my sex drive, and I want it back and I'm really scared, and I don't know what to do." Instead what we hear is "I'm finished with sex." No explanation, no reason, no concern about how this will affect the husband or the relationship. No willingness to discuss with doctors. No real attempt to look for an answer.

Is it possible that years of neglect and "taking for granted-ness" has contributed to her behavior? Quite possibly! But that would imply that she's angry/no longer attracted to just her husband, and that potentially she would be attracted to other guys. But everything we're hearing is that it's like a light switch was flipped, and no guy can turn it back on.

I heard many people say "go back to when you had to woo your wife." Well I can tell you that me, and none of my friends that I know of, ever had to "convince" our wives to like us, go out with us, fu@k us, or marry us. My wife and I liked each other from the firs moment - I didn't have to convince her to like me. I don't even know what that means - why would I want to try to go out with someone that doesn't like me? If a woman doesn't find you attractive my experience is that there is very little a man could ever do to change that opinion. So I am concerned that putting the onus on the guy to "woo back" his wife is a fool's errand. Unless there is some proof that this has ever worked...

Why would a woman want to stay in the same house with a man she doesn't even want to touch her? Fear of being on her own? After all, how could she ever attract another man if she doesn't ever want to be touched?

I just find this very sad...

and yes they are comfortable, fear of change, fear of being alone, fear of losing 1/2 or all their income, fear of losing their house, starting over especially at a older age.

Many older couples will have to split retirements, etc... They may lose health benefits etc...

Many women still love their husband, but maybe lost the passionate feelings they once had, lost their attraction etc

It is a sad way to live, but my aunt lives this way with her husband, and she wont leave because she would lose all her comforts etc....

she hasn't worked in over 30 yrs...
so

as the original poster I'd just like to say that she was never big on kissing but after menopause she really has lost interest in sex. Hormonal treatment are not an option because her sister died of breast cancer and that precludes that treatment. One other problem is stress. It's been pretty much nonstop since the financial collapse plus a whole lot of other things. And lets face it, it's pretty EZ for both parties to take each other for granted after 27 years. So we've got a lot to talk about. I was amazed by the response I must say. I think I hit a nerve.

Some people take solace in feeling like a victim. I don't know if they are unaware of their behavior, or they recognize what they do, and dismiss it as something else?

Could they be monophobic? - fear of being alone.

I have personal experience with my wife ,she had breast cancer 7 years and was going through menopause at the same time ,therefore no hormone replacement . She is a therapist and we tried therapy counseling etc .We learned in group therapy with 6 other couples that this is very common and 5 out the 6 couples no longer have sex . The woman's desire for sex totally stops and without hormone replacement there is very little that can done to .
So I entered the hobby ,with a wink

Is so important during dating...After marriage and kids...not so much. (opinion)And that's not just sex.

While dating, a night out with the boys is something "you should do." We tend to be a bit more on our game, because each and every new thing is appreciated...and rewarded...We get roped in with going to the club, watching games with your friends, having the woman we want show us equal and often greater desire.

Then it happens. We loose it. You run through the mundane tasks of adulthood. You forget how to play the game. Every thing you try is seen as merely an attempt for sex, and met with contempt.

After a while, you realize that trying, is getting you nowhere, so you stop...1 year ago, I told my wife I was done...that there was nothing worth being rejected for that many times, and if she wanted to fix it, I would try anything... counselling, a trip, toys, partner swaps...whatever. But whatever it was, the choice had to be hers. She had to show me that I was still important to her. She has done nothing...and the subject is dead.

We all have our reasons for staying with a dead relationship. For me, it is based on a financial commitment we made to my Mother-in-law. My wife simply couldn't afford even the taxes on the place we live in, and her mother is just too old to displace.

For whatever the reason, you stay...well, that's your reason. DATY, thank you for posting that thread. I knew I wasn't alone in the world, it was great (in a miserable kind of way) to see just how populated the issue really was.

I came on the scene when my wife was 40.  She'd been widowed for 6 years previous & had not had sex (apparently partner nor self).  That should have been a clue but I foolishly did not pick up on it.   We bought a house which shared a wall with her daughter who proceeded to tell her mother she could hear everything we said or did in our bedroom.   Sex became a once a year thing & the wife was FINE WITH IT!   I objected but was promised "it wouldn't always be like that".  After the daughter went to college it improved for a year or so...  but then fell off again.   She has never liked touching.  She pulls away from just about every touch, claims everything "tickles".   So intimacy is in the toilet...  
In the 25 years we've been married, she has never initiated sex, she has never lured, teased or lead to sex.  She never even put on the negligee she recieved as wedding presents.  

The under-current is that she's prefectly happy not having sex and has no empathy for what makes a man tick.   Why fix what is (in her opinion) not broke?  

Sadly, I do not see a way out for me at this point, short of a tragic event...    

Wooing a wife only works IF she wants it to work & IF she wants intimacy.   I tried that approach with my first wife who had already decided she no longer wanted to be married to me, but never said anything as long as I was paying her bills.  When my money ran out, she began acting out until it became unbearable & I left.  She told all this to the psycologist I hired & borrowed money (from my parents) to see.    

Just cant bring myself to do it...

Its not her fault that my wife and I are in this mess...she didn't ask for it. But I have thought of that...several times...Has even come to mind as recently as within the last hour.

I think women who are in the above situation choose the stay in the marriage because they are just so attached to the family envionemmt  and the kids if there are any.  She may not be attracted to the hunsbsnd anymore but she wants to keep the family together.  Most of the time the motivation is for the children, not to be in love with the man again.  


It's similar to what I am going through, except that I am the one who doesn't want sex or to be touched by her.  In fact I have not touched her since we got married and its been 7 years.   It's sad and I sincerely feel bad for her.  But I have principels I have o stick to.   My reason to stay in the relationship is to provide for her and nothing more.    We are still in our 20s and I hope she finds a better man soon and dump my cheating ass for good.

Results in arbitrary decision

We're all sharing and here's mine.  Like many others my wife lost interest in sex after menopause.  She would agree to sex but wouldn't initiate it.  I began to feel as if I was imposing and that she was doing me a favor, so I stopped taking the lead and two years passed.  Then I was diagnosed with prostate cancer and the thought of being impotent really shook me badly.  It all came out one day, my fear of losing the ability combined with her loss of desire.   She responded well, saying that she just didn't have the sex drive but still liked the intimacy.  Maybe it was the stress of going through cancer and surgery but it's gotten much better.  Every now and then she'll initiate sex or I will, not often, but we've been married for 36 years.  Note: I still crave the excitement of the hobby, not very often, once or twice a year although I do worry what would happen if she found out.

I can't ever really recall my wife initiating sex either. We went a month with nothing and she didn't seem the least bit concerned.

but since we are all sharing our stories, I will tell you mine.  I have been married for 6 years, and I haven't had sex with my wife in the past 3 years, she doesn't want to do it anymore, I got sick of being rejected all the time, and so I have given up asking.  Aside from that, my wife took it further, she literally told me that she never wants to have sex again, she is just not interested anymore.  Aside from the sex aspect of the relationship, her personality changed completely too maybe 2 or 3 years ago, she used to have a nice warm bubbly personality, people genuinely used to like her, but now she complains all the time, and she is undeniably not pleasant to be around anymore.  She makes scenes in public places now for reasons that don't call for it, she calls her parents to complain about literally nothing, and they don't want to hear from her anymore, and she goes out of her way to make sure nothing is easy on anyone else.  I don't know what the hell happened to her, this is not how she was when we first got married.  She literally went crazy.  So far, psychiatrists have been unsuccessful in treating her.  Take a guess when I started hobbying.

I'm going to see how long we go without sex and if and when she notices I will tell her that with what's going on in the economy we may as well stay together (because we are both fucked money wise) but we are free to do as we please with whom we please.

If your wife is like mine, 3 years will go by before your wife notices that you haven't had sex in a while.  She will mention it as casually as if she is asking you to pass the salt.  And it won't even matter to her anyway.  

I can tell you my wife would never go for an open relationship like what you are proposing, because A) she has no interest in sex with anybody, and B) that somehow gives her the right to make sure I am deprived of it too, and lastly C) if I am spending money on other women, my wife is going to get jealous of that fact, she is going to see it as if it was rightfully her money because I should have given it to her instead.

I understand why nobody can put up with this never ending bullshit, it certainly explains why every last one of my friends has been divorced at least once.   Even my parents got divorced after 40 years of marriage, they were miserable with each other for the last 15 years of their marriage, and now that their divorce is ancient history, they are both happy again.  I wish you good luck my friend.

Perhaps that's why we've ended up here...and also for some male commiseration and bonding that all of the psychotherapists constantly say we don't get enough of...and then we end up like lungman - if we're lucky. My wife came down with and still struggles with ovarian cancer for almost six years now. The oncological surgeons ended up gutting her like a fish and so it was instant menopause. She also can't take hormone replacement therapy as it would exacerbate the disease. Her doctor and nurse tell us that a normal sex life should be possible...but its not... Our extremely infrequent relations are accompanied by her depression and raging moods. I try to help and support her as much as possible. Sometimes she hints that I should begin looking for a replacement wife... How the hell do you deal with that after 30 years of marriage??? Not long ago, I discovered hobbying and TER. Why? As an escape, as though I were getting drunk and momentarily forgetting all about my and her problems. To fulfill unmet sexual needs as though I were a starving animal. To once again feel the soft touch and soothing voice of a woman who is not constantly raging in anger and depression and fear (understandably so) and rejecting me - even my touch. I feel ashamed, but I feel I can't help myself. I tried a dating site once, but of course no woman in her right mind wants to start a relationship with a man who hasn't finished the previous one. And, especially under the circumstances, no woman wants a man who is seemingly abandoning his wife. Perhaps a good friend with benefits would be ideal, but that's probably next to impossible since I'd have limited time to devote to even a FWB at present. And hoping to get some emotional support from providers, along with the occasional sex, has also proven to be unrealistic and unattainable, as I have found out to my great disappointment on several occasions during these last five months...

I believe in marriage, and was dumb enough to do it twice. I also believe in divorce because after years of trying to make everyone else happy you will soon be asking "what about me?" When that happens and you go thru the pain of divorce you will find yourself happy again.
It sucks, but I wish you the best of luck