Possible - maybe, for a while anyway. How good of a liar are you?

Selfish? Yes, pretty much. That's a HUGE fucking secret. Withholding that type of information because you know he would not choose to be with you with that knowledge equates to living a lie, only you live it willingly and he lives it as a fool.

Not saying you can't be in a relationship and be a provider, just saying deception is not the route to go. Find a man that can deal with it.

Do you want to be with the guy just to date casually and have someone to hang with and have sex? or do you want a real relationship that can lead to something much more (which usually means monogamy).

If you're looking for a serious relationship...a husband-type, then certainly you should be truthful about your "hobby".  Lies and deception will ALWAYS ruin a good thing.

Otherwise, lie all you want.  You have to deceive your family and friends anyway.  Lying is inherent in this work you choose.

-- Modified on 9/30/2010 4:00:08 PM

There's a lot to think about.

Would the constant strain of him finding out wear you down?

And what if you found out that he was a hobbyist?

I know of one provider who managed to keep her escorting life private from her SO, but eventually they split up.  It was a real bad split up too.  I think the strain on her part was part of the reason it didn't work.

So, yes, it can be done.  Is it a good idea?  That I'm not so sure of.

Is it the only option for a provider who wants a non-hobby relationship?  Maybe.

Some hobbyist and providers do hook up successfully, but many others try and it doesn't work.

I have no moral problems with anyone who tells or doesn't tell their SO what they do.  That's between them and their own business only.

But with exception of Scoed, can any other MARRIED or ENGAGED client here answer these questions:

1) Do you fully disclose to your SO that you engage in sexual relations with multiple partners?

2) Do you practice safe sex with your SO due to the fact that you practice DATY and BBBJ with sex workers?

Unless the answer is YES to both, its akin to protesting about women wearing fur while eating hamburger.

Now, for me the choice is simple.  I don't see how I could be involved in serious mutually exclusive relationship possibly leading to marriage and continue being professional companion.  Not unless I met someone who is completely OK with my job.  But that is my personal choice.  However, if I were in "defined" relationship, like SD/SB for example, hell yeah I am going to lie about what I do!

Lina

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is it possible for a female provider to be in a relationship with a man that has no idea what she does?  or for that matter, am i being selfish for wanting a relationship if i have no intentions of divulging this information to him?

Anything is possible.  Most people are stupid and willing to suspend disbelief.  Therefore, you certainly could be in a relationship with a tool, er, I mean guy that's oblivious to the fact that you're fucking others for a living.  Is that selfish?  Common wisdom would say yes.  Fucktard wisdom says it depends.  Are you looking for anything serious, or just someone to spend time with?  Can he handle the reality?  There's no such thing as a simple question.  There are just simple people.

You can not have a relationship without the truth on this major point.  Relationships between civie guys & providers is difficult but does work out just often enough that we can't say "never".   I think you can be friends but when the relationship turns serious, it's time to reveal the secret.  Maybe by then, he's care enough to listen to you.   I think he'd feel betrayed when this secret is inevitably revealed.

The Love Godess would be a good resource when she returns from her presentation.    
skb

Sorry to say it but a hobby board is probably not the best place to be looking for relationship advice....especially when it comes to being honest with significant others.

As you see most of the advice is coming from hobbyist who see this from the perspective of the guys getting screwed over who can somehow segment that from what they are doing to their own sig others with their hobbying.  (Not saying all hobbyists are in relationships, but most I know are...)

Don't get me wrong I don't look down on anyone for seeing a provider - I am a hobbyist in a relationship.  However, I don't see myself in any position on giving out relationship advice lol.

The word relationship can be interpreted very widely and your expectations can vary vastly from that of your partner for instance, if you are already grappling with this sort of question. However, a healthy relationship is built on trust and if you withhold this kind of critical information from most partners, you will not end up in a great place, if you aspire for a long and loving relationship. Best to be done with providing and then getting ready for a serious relationship, when the time feels right. BTW, once your past does not continue into your new relationship, you ought divulge any info on yourself for having been a provider in your past. Just my 2 cents.

As others have stated... and I think it also depends on the kind/extent of a relationship that you wish to have. If you're buds, with little emotional intimacy, then you can probably get by. Otherwise, no.

they are. Don't you know that most hobbysts are married and their SO are unaware...so can providers maintain a relationship with unaware partners

Or have you considered that you were sharing your decision, that you at least got to make for yourself, to take the increased risk inherit  in the hobby of catching and possibly sharing a STD with your boyfriend.  Who you feel should be treated like a mushroom.
Doc

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Can someone do it ... of course.  Should someone hold back that info - well, try putting yourself in the reverse role.  You're in love with someone - you believe you're in a monogamous relationship and then find out about his active mongering.  Would you want to be with him?

I know I have some real emotional issues that allow me to remain in the hobby - I'm a sexaholic and have paid a very high price in my personal life as a result.  I choose to remain in the hobby though, even though I can't afford it.  But I've made my choice.  I do love someone - and would be really pissed off if I found out she was a provider, after the fact.  Double standard, you betcha, perhaps.

END OF MESSAGE

"is it possible for a female provider to be in a relationship with a man that has no idea what she does?"
  Yes but you will regret it.

"am i being selfish for wanting a relationship if i have no intentions of divulging this information to him?"
  Yes, very selfish, don't hide it from him if you chose to have a SO. But because you asked this question I bet you knew the answer already.

First a little back ground of where I come from on this, my wife is an escort. She was an escort when we met but she gave up the hobby before we started dating. We later got married. A year ago my wifes business failed and she did not want to admit failure as she has some self-esteem issues so she started to escort again to try to save her failing business. She didn't tell me about the problems with her business or about her return to escorting. The guilt built in her as she was lying to me and cheating on me, so she invited me to start hobbying. I was not comfortable hobbying and was wondering why she was pushing it on me. when she finely came clean I was devastated. Please note I make more than enough to meet our financial obligations. I had devoice papers drawn and they where quite harsh. She even signed them but I could not go though and fill them. I still loved her and it killed me the lies and dishonesty. I had build my world around her. I have a child with her. And she betrayed me. I still could still not respond in kind and file those devoice papers. Her hobbying put me at great legal risk as her money went in to the family fund and in Utah receiving money from prostitution is all it takes to be guilty of pandering and being the husband of the prostitute ups the sentence. So if she got caught she would have gotten at most $1000 fine and six months in jail but most likely just a fine. But I would likely be looking at a much bigger fine and 5 years of prison plus the honor of having to register as a sex offender for the rest of my life and the restrictions that come with that. Even if I had no clue where the money came from. On top of that as we bare backed because of her sexual activity she put me at risk for STD's. She lied to me and betrayed our vows. That hurt the most. Still, she was not able to give up providing because of some issues from her past, low self-esteem, and a strange high she get off of providing. It kills me that I am not able to meat her needs. We worked things out and she now works at a legal brothel and I hobby. I hobby mostly to reduce her guilt as she still feels extremely guilty for her choices. I still have an issue as it still hurts greatly with her providing but it is much better that I know. I can deal with it. If you do not let him know, you will be betraying him and putting him at all kinds of risk without his knowledge. He has a right to know and to decide if you are worth the risk. Hiding it from him will destroy him when he finds out one way or the other. It did me. And the guilt if you are a good human being will eat at you and could destroy you as well as it did my wife. No one wins. Sooner or later if he is with you he will find out. If you can not be honest with him best to leave him. Any romantic relationship based on dishonesty is doomed. When it come to your SO honesty really is the best policy even if the truth is painful. I speak with the voice of someone who has been there and done that. How would you feel if he betrayed you in such a complete fashion? Be honest with your SO or do not have have one. Please for his sake if not for yours. It has been six months sense I found out and the betrayal still sings and I do not know if I will ever trust her like I once did. I still love her, but the trust is gone.

P.S. Thing are better now than they were when I first found out and we are making it work. Things are still not great but I feel we are going to make it. I my story as a warning to you and anyone else in this hobby who is hiding the truth from there SO on how they are going to hurt those they love if they continue and are not honest before hand. Take it for what it is worth. And no I am not looking for advise on my relationship but I am offering it to help others. And yes I still love my wife and am not going to leave her.

who can accept that truth about you and still care for you.  That would be real. A "relationship" built on deception is not worth having. Nor is a life built on self deception, by the way.

Oh - and just so you know, I have never deceived a significant other about my habits....

If you want something long term, then it's important that you tell him you're a provider as soon as you know that information will hurt the relationship if you withhold it.

If you just want a lot of fun without it getting too serious, like a good fuckbuddy, then keep it to yourself.

Would you mind if a guy failed to disclose to you that he is a drug king pin for a living?

After all, it's just a job and it really won't affect you since he isn't trying to sell YOU drugs and doesn't use them himself.

Your occupation is ILLEGAL. For that reason alone, because it could affect him in myriad ways, it ought to be disclosed.

If you don't, he will eventually find out; and something that might have been negotiable initially will become a major betrayal and you'll lose him.

U may just find,over time,your relationship with your BF,becomes so strong,that the provider side of u,has less of a pull.I mean no disrespect when i say,the provider side of u.Providers,Hobbyist,we are all human,with the same needs!Some BF's don't mind giving their Provider GF's the Love they need!
Good Luck!!

All those times you said you were going to see your mom, sometimes 2 or 3 times a day....?

All the calls from those guys, and told me they were wrong numbers...?

Can't remember the last time you left the house with any panties on....

Getting condoms by the case sent to the house, telling me they make great water balloons...?

And that would explain why you always have envelopes when I need to send a bill off....

I am so crushed....!

Allure`. Hold me!!!

Of course you can. Obviously, it’s done all the time.

How authentic of a personal relationship do you want to have? Not disclosing that you are a provider is no minor oversight. And, there are all kinds of implications for your partner; from potential legal issues  to exposing him to non-consensual, uninformed,  indirect contact with multiple sex partners. Not to mention the betrayal, anger, hurt he will experience if he finds out without you telling him.

Yes. I think that is selfish.
You asked.

I was trying to lighten it up a bit. I'm neither married, engaged, or with any lady.

What the hell two people do with their relationship is THEIR business. Not mine.

I don't like being lumped in to 'everyone' and their proverbial high horse.

Just goes to show, some people don't appreciate and/or understand my attempt at humor.

Sorry I got you all riled there, Lina.

And got on with "oh no u cant lie to him" tirades.  Of course she can - they do!

YOU, as you pointed out, are single and can do as you please when and where you heard desires!

Now, on more important subject,  are we gonna make sure Vegas is never the same after this Halloween?

Lina

Dont expect it to stay a secret TOO long. Stuff like that seems to always find it's way to the light.

But then again, if you are not really providing that much, you might just get away with it!

i guess the reason i ask is because in my last relationship, i divulged the information.  he was definitely taken back, but i did it early enough that he chose to continue and deal -- until he was mad at me for whatever the reason.  i didn't buy the correct soap..  "you're a whore"..  i forgot to wash his favorite pair of jeans..  "prostitute!"  all said outta anger, but he didn't mind spending the money when he needed something.  splitsville.  don't get me wrong..  it's not necessarily that i'm proud of what i do, but i am confident in the person i am.  my 'provider' life and civvie life have a strong separation, so even though i was in this business, it did not affect the way i treated him.  not to mention, i did not share this shameful secret w/ him to be used as a weapon against me.

it's been almost a year since then, and now i've met a guy that i've been on several dates with.  i do like him, but reluctant to allow myself to get attached to him because of the deception on my behalf.  because of my previous relationship, i have a sour taste in my mouth about divulging my secret again to any man and obviously, it would be very selfish of me to allow it to go any further than what it is.  i'll keep it light hearted and casual, despite his efforts and against my heart.

i have always believed in giving someone the right to make an informed decision..  if i'm not giving him all the information..  how can he make his decision?  dually noted, John.

i did.  no offense taken.

condoms are a must for me..  P4P or civvie -- i like being disease free and i would never be that irresponsible to expose him to any more than i already am.  of course, all of this is hypothetical for my civvie and i since we haven't become intimate yet.  go figure, right?  2 months of dating.  wow.  i'm lame.

be nice.  lol.

END OF MESSAGE

Imagine this scenario.

Girl meets boy.  

Girl likes boy.

They start dating.

While they are dating she decides to transition from being a provider to not being one

They get married and live happily ever after.

Now imagine  she told him she is a provider early on in relationship before it had a chance to develop.  Two words "the end".

With exception of legal aspect, all other arguments are not valid in my view.  At least not coming from HOBBYISTS.

Honesty? Full disclosure?  How many single guys here when they meet someone in their civvy life tell her "oh, honey, just so we are open and honest with each other, I fuck prostitutes as hobby". How many tell their wives that the long lunch they took today involved BBBJ and DATY?

Due to practical outcomes you have mentioned, I am single and do not plan on being in relationship while i work.  But this is akin to pro choice/ pro life debate.  While PERSONALLY I would not consider abortion, I am pro choice.

Same here.  While PERSONALLY I would not date while working, I believe in people having right to do so.

Lina

Years ago, I had a relationship with a beautiful young woman who had a morning radio gig and also did fashion modeling. About six months into the relationship, she confessed she was a 'working girl". It started when the owners of the local fashion house she modeled for began to pay her to "entertain" out of town buyers. She then went into business for herself on a "low volume" basis.

We weren't in love with each other, but there was a strong emotional and physical attraction that had the potential to develop into a loving one. I was faithful to her and was led to believe she was faithful to me.

Her disclosure immediately ended the sexual part of our relationship. I felt betrayed. A week later we had a huge argument and never saw each other again.

Any successful relationship must be built on trust. I'm sure there are men who can have a loving relationship with a provider, but the disclosure must be made early on and be truthful and complete. If he can handle that, it may work. If the man feels he was lied to and deceived, the component of trust will disappear and the relationship will fail.

If it's only casual and transitory, there is no need to dislose. If either of  you have greater expectations, disclosure is a must.

Let me explain.

Pretend you and I get married and I have no clue what you do for a living. Pretend further that you and I contribute equally to the finances of the household. Pretend further that we live in New Hampshire simply because I'm more familiar with the laws there.

Now, let's say you get busted for prostitution. What happens to me?

In New Hampshire, because I am over 18 and benefit materially from your income; *I* am also charged with a crime. (I am your "pimp.") Furthermore, everything to which you might have contributed even one penny or that I put in our shared name can be seized essentially without recourse by the state using civil property seizure laws.

There is a very large material difference between cheating on someone and quite literally turning them into a criminal and putting their entire pool of assets at extreme risk without their knowledge.

This isn't about being on my high-horse about honesty. After all, our entire political and financial systems are based upn various forms of subterfuge. Rather, it is about thinking forward to consequences.

Furthermore, enough providers have posted about the *practical* outcomes of these scenarios that it would benefit to learn from the mistakes of others. A very very respectable Boston provider posted last year about a circumstance in which her boyfriend had been kept in the dark about her profession. It did NOT end well. Not well at all.

It is one thing for a person to marry with every intention of being faithful; but for circumstances to change.

It is quite another to walk into a relationship being sexually unfaithful from the very beginning and predicating the entire relationship on a lie from the very start.

And yes, even though it is "just a job" providing while the other partner thinks you are monogamous IS cheating because sex is still sex. You can still get STDs from it, you can still get pregnant from it, and you can still get stalked over it if you accidentally have sex with the wrong guy. Sex for pay still has all the potential consequences as ordinary sex.

At the time, I thought all this "high class call girl" stuff was a Hollywood fantasy; so when she told me I honestly thought she was pulling my leg.

But, either way, I didn't dump her for it.

She and I are still friends. She's not in that business anymore and is currently in England.

I haven't ever called my wife a whore in a way to hurt her or used it as a weapon even when I fist found out and I didn't like her all that much. Any guy that would use it against you ever is not a good match and may be abusive even if you weren't a escort. If you trust him and think he may be a good match you should tell him. Some guys can handle it and some guys can't. If he can't best to find out early on. Your job is part of who you are just like anyone else. If you do not allow the relationship to mature it will die or morph into just friends and he will move on. If you are just looking to end it or move it to the friend zone just do it and don't waste his time and feelings. If not you owe him the truth. I am learning to deal with my insecurities with my wife's job. I understand where you are coming from as my wife was most likely even more scared to tell me and there is huge risks in telling him, but the risks in hiding it is even greater. People sometimes do really stupid things that they normally would never do if they feel betrayed and are hurting. I almost destroyed the person I love most other than my son with those divorce papers. Best to be honest early despite the risks, which I know are huge, or break it off now. You owe him and yourself that much. I wish you luck and if you have any questions fill free to PM me and I will answer to the best of my ability.


P.S. There is nothing shameful in providing a useful service. That is what you do. If you think what you do is shameful you should find a new line of work. But I feel there is nothing wrong in providing or seeing a provider just in hiding it from your SO and lying about it. Cheating on ones SO is very wrong. I know others will disagree with me but it is my point of view.

especially this part: "P.S. There is nothing shameful in providing a useful service. That is what you do. If you think what you do is shameful you should find a new line of work. But I feel there is nothing wrong in providing or seeing a provider just in hiding it from your SO and lying about it. Cheating on ones SO is very wrong. I know others will disagree with me but it is my point of view."

discreet erin, that is what most stood out to me about your most recent response...you described what you do as "shameful." if that is the way you view it, then you should absolutely not be doing this. there is nothing wrong with being this type of service provider...personally i love doing this and find it to be quite noble! if it ever caused me the least bit of shame, guilt, or dirty (the bad kind of dirty) feeling, then i would stop immediately.

in order to have a relationship worth its salt with a man, of course you need to be honest and open with him about your being a provider. that should go without saying. but more importantly (and before you even consider serious relationships), you need to grow to be comfortable in your own skin...to accept and value the sum total of who you are. if your being a provider conflicts with that or makes that impossible...then it is just not what you should be doing, imho. best of luck to you.

i was never ashamed until the person i loved kept attacking my character..  when you hear someone say it enough, you start to believe it.  he kinda chipped away at my self-esteem.  maybe shameful is not the proper word, but i am very private about what i do.  it's no one's business except whom i want to know and i don't have the patience to answer 21 questions from people whose opinion i could care less about.

Anybody who is chipping at your self esteem is doing so with the intent of depriving you of self-willed action. This is usually based in his own insecurity of his worthiness of you. He feels that if you could act of your own volition you would dump him; and so he attempts to deprive you of that volition by robbing you of your self worth.

The fact that a man does not approve of what you do is not a bad thing necessarily. After all, we are all different. But once he has accepted what you do, to use it as a weapon to damage you as a moral being is unconscionable. Glad you kicked his butt to the curb.

END OF MESSAGE

I'm glad that won't be a problem but even with a condom I would assume we can agree when we entered the hobby we did so with our eyes open, and well aware that multiple sex partners increases you risk of std's.  Again a decision you got to make for yourself.  IMHO
Doc

...but i definitely miss the companionship of having someone around consistently.

on how the American populatioin at large views providers.

Which never ceases to amaze me, by the way. Especially considering how "liberated" we supposedly are. It's no longer shameful to have sex without being married, to cohabitate, to have many different partners... but when a cash transaction takes place, everyone get all moral! Ha!

I was out drinking with a group of friends, male and female, mid-twenties to mid-thirties, all civvies and none know I hobby. Conversation turned to sex. Everyone if open, candid, talking about fucking this person or that one. Talking about fuck buddies, etc, etc. etc. going to strip bars yada yada. All very modern and liberal, blah blah blah. I work in a comment about a guy seeing a provider ('call girl') and the conversation moved in that direction.

Before you know it, out come the hackneyed phrases about "Johns" -- "I don't have to pay for it." "Must be desperate. " and "Prostitutes" -- "addicted to drugs"  "no skills, uneducated" "mental problems" "you should only be doing that for love"...
That last comment cam from a 32-yo woman who moments before was talking about THE 2 MEN she was fucking regularly, one because he was hot and the other because he treats her nice and takes her out.

I made some comments that challenged some of the stereotypes. I mentioned that some normal, intellegent, college educated women CHOOSE the work. When those were dismissed, I piped up and said I actually know a couple of "working girls" and it's true. Dead silence.

"How did you meet them?!?!?"

I made a plausible story about my music industry connections and strippers etc which was accepted and then the converation went in another direction. No one was the least bit interested in knowing anything abour the reality of a sex worker.

The point is, the population in general looks down about women who provide. Likewise, people outside the hobby are shockedt that a woman might secretly be a "call girl" and hide that fact from her boyfriend. It's so.... lurid! What a scandal!

Society's views of sex and morality just exhaust me.

HalfHour





I have not dated a provider, but I would not be against it

But, I was not a hobbyist when I met my wife. OK, I had exactly one hobby date in which I was robbed. I told her about that date before we started going out and she laughed at me. I knew she was a provider the day we met. I still befriended her. I latter started dating her knowing she was retiring but not full retired. She did not fully retire until we were dating for three months. It was not game over. And by the way I tell my wife about all my hobby dates. In fact she joins my on about a third of them as she is bi. I have always had full disclosure with my wife about my extracurricular bedroom play. Part of why I do it as she gets off on the stories and it makes her feel less guilty about her choices. It also gives me a sense of balance in my marriage and in addition it is great fun. I would give it up in a second if she even hinted she wanted me to. I to do believe in anyones right to date while working or even be married as long as everyone involved knows the risk and is honest about it. I also think it is very wrong to hobby while married or seriously dating. It always leads to heartache and pain. I don't think anyone has the right to go out and hurt others. That is what cheating is. As to the questions in your other post. 1) Do you fully disclose to your SO that you engage in sexual relations with multiple partners? Yes 2) Do you practice safe sex with your SO due to the fact that you practice DATY and BBBJ with sex workers? I do now. I am not being a hypocrite when I say it will destroy a man to know his SO was an escort behind his back. I know I was there back in April. We are still going to counseling and I still do not trust her like I once did. If she would have not confessed and I caught her there would be no coming back from that. My wife had no right to do what she done, but she owned it. That she owned it, my son, the fact she stood by me when I had some big issues and that I love her is all that kept me from leaving. If it was not all true I would have left. No one has the right to hurt those that they love. Just like no one has the right to kill a child because it is not convenient. So dddbabe as a hobbyist am I being a hypocrite in saying any hobbyist or provider should be honest about there job/hobby with their SO? Are my arguments valid after all I am a hobbyist? In your story you forgot the ending ex-client meets lady and her husband and spills the beans. They have a bitter divorce. Their children loses a parent in the home. Everyone loses. It almost happened to my wife and I. How is that argument? I stand by my argument as I have lived it. Have you?

I was just trying to be helpful by sharing my experiences. You should be private about what you do, if that is how you want it to be. You being a provider is your business and you should only share it with those you choose to. I am also sorry that your ex was abusive. He had no right to be so. I was just answering your questions and pass on what I have learned the hard way about providing and romantic relationships. I did not mean any dis respect as I see the other argument as well. I just know how painful it is to learn about your SO being paid to be unfaithful. You should do what you feel is right by you and the guy your dating. I just offered me opinion and you have every right to ignore it. I did not mean to offend you and if I did I am sorry. I am glad you are not ashamed of being a provider as it is nothing to be ashamed about. I just think it is a mistake to hide it from your SO as he will find out sooner or later and it will hurt him. The guilt may also hurt you as well. Anyway I wish you luck. I hope you do what you feel is right for both of you, despite what I or anyone else thinks. I do not take back how I feel, but it is not my life, so I am sorry if I stepped out of bounds, as I did not intend to.

Difficult...definitely. Selfish...no. Everyone would like to know someone else cares for them. But what will you do when that guy turns out to be the one and finds out you've been lying this whole time? Good men are hard to find and even harder to keep. Something to think about.

is adorable..  now, if only the men i dated were so apologetic.  haha.  life would be good.

oh yea?  how close are you to NC?  LOL!

college educated..  great job..  same likes and dislikes i have.  he could just be perfect.  damn my heart.

i'm not scared to tell him what i do..  just scared of his reaction.

just ask my wife. Besides I am not always so apologetic. Sometimes I intend to be a jerk. Just not with you on this issue as it is a tough position to be in. Take care.

Aabout as close as you are to the Grand Canyon LOL!



HalfHour