ok i have this problem, and i know all in here will check me so please do, im now involved with a lady, and in the back of my mind i find myself thinking about the hobby as ive been single a long time, to make matters worse one of my all time fave providers is back in business and i had to talk myself out of going to see her, im tryin to do right by my lady but at the same time im spoiled, i lived the good single life for a long time, this is really troubling me, please dont hold back, i want honest thoughts, thinking of going and getting help, all i can think of is beautiful breasts as the said provider im talking about rocked my world once sometimes twice a week for over 5 years, ive found myself thinking of her a lot over the yrs and sure enough she posted an add again, i was hard instantly, this is so bad

In hobby and in life, you will always face various dilemmas. You have to make the decision for yourself whether you want to keep seeing providers or stay loyal to your lady.  Lot of guys, here on TER, are married and have girlfriends, and still see providers.

No one can make the decision for you.

Sex can be an addiction, with the operating definition being something that causes serious harm in your personal or professional life.

Many of us find that we can handle playing two sides of the game, and so for us it is not an addiction but a hobby.

Others, like you, find it problematic.

The big issue is that it is part of a man's physical and psychological imperative to have multiple sexual partners - but our society is formed around monogamy.

Nevertheless, you would do well to search and find a therapist who is skilled at handling this problem and see them.

For starters, I would avoid exposing yourself to any thoughts about the hobby, starting with TER.  No need to put more temptation in your path than you need.

Would it be okay for her to go get laid outside of your relationship? Many cheat and I have no problem with someone cheating if they fully support their SO cheating too. What I despise is the double standard...in anything for that matter.

And realize this, any escort is paid to rock your world. A civvie date/relationship is not like that. It's mutual attraction and real world stuff, not show me the money and I'll show you a rocking good time.

So, do what is right for you and let the cards fall where they may.

Hi Mr F;

That's what Tiger Woods said he had!! There is no such thing as sex addiction, IMHO!! There's just a lot of horn dogs out there!! Myself, included!!

I specialize in Sex Therapy!!  I can help out any of you Gents that can't seem to find the cure to the a-dick-tion.

I am just teasing but at this point in my life I am not sure I could ever go back to having one partner full time as well.

I have seen the dark side.

You asked for tough responses, so here's mine:

How many times have you seen women crawling under desks to fetch garbage cans as they cleaned offices, so that they could buy dinner for their kids. Or read about people dying while making political statements?  Or aid workers getting killed when caught in the middle of a civil war?  Or soldiers dying in a battle that they didn't cause?  My point is that people make hugh, and sometimes the ultimate, sacrifice for families, friends, and sometimes for strangers.  Keeping your dick in just one pussy doesn't seem like much of a sacrifice on your part....if you really love her.

I will not provide you with an excuse to justify fucking up this relationship. (I'm not passing judgement on married hobbiests....we all have our reasons what we do.....for some, the sex is not a deal-breaker.  But if it is for your partner,,then you're going to have to sacrifice.

(however, I've been in committed relationships, but I've let my mind wander...and let visions of other women enter into my mind during sex.  To quote an ex:  "I don't care where you get your appetite, as long as you eat at home.")

I'm not trying tho be harsh, but you asked for straightforward opinions.

thank you everybody, i needed that, im not gonna cheat on her, the thing is i feel bad for the thought even crossing my mind

people to want some little thing besides their main meals. We've been having a similar discussion on the FL board. My opinion is that monogamy is unnatural and creates more problems than it fixes. People end up resenting each other in LTRs. From the FL discussion: "That's why I think marriage, as most people understand it, is really damaging to our souls. It makes us all try to fit in some stupid monogamy box that we aren't made for. Again, I think some people can do monogamy better than others, but it's the exception rather than the rule; and those who can't do it well shouldn't be made to feel like lesser humans for it. It's like saying that if you sneeze, you're a bad person." http://www.theeroticreview.com/discussion_boards/viewmsg.asp?MessageID=159301&boardID=16&page=#159301

Have you discussed an open relationship with her? Maybe a swinging lifestyle? Rather than just blurting the idea out, why not see if there is a TV show on at some point that talks about open relationships/swinging, and accidentally turn it on while you're both watching TV. See what her reaction is. Would it bother you to know she's with another man? I believe we can be emotionally monogamous and sexually open. Could you handle being in a relationship like that? And, could you handle a relationship that meant you would   n e v e r   a g a i n   be in another vagina as long as you live (with her)?

There may be a way for you both to have your cakes and eat them too!

The definition of "addiction" that you quote is from pop psycho-therapists, not psychologists. Any reputable Doctor of Psychology would diagnose you with a compulsion, not an addiction. Hiding behind a convenient "disease" is not going to hold water with anyone's SO - EVER. If you want her because it's convenient or compulsive, re-evaluate whether you really want a significant other or if you want to continue to see this other woman who clearly you have a bond with. Perhaps it's just the "forbidden fruit" syndrome and you need to kick yourself in the ass and get over it. Don't hide behind pop psycho-therapy.

 And, YES, I'm talking about Dr. Drew and his other clones. They are selling snake oil to the masses to assuage their guilt.

JC

Dear Ms. Charlotte My Favorite Cerebral Harlot:
I just wanted to inquire about when you knew that you where a polyamorous young woman and how the hobby lends to that? Also with that said, although you always have had the autonomy to see who you wanted to see, has the hobby widened your personal selection and choices and made you considered people whom you would not have considered previously? Also have you become friends with people whose personalities you would have never considered before you became an active participant in the hobby? Also would you have relationships both platonic and sexual that would rival some of your relationships in your civilian life as well?

Is there a way for you to tactfully tell your SO some of the things that your ATF did that rocked your world, suggesting that she could do those things for you?  If it's the acts that you need, perhaps your SO can do them. If it's the actual person you crave, you have a slightly bigger problem......

A provider may do all the alphabet because she is being paid...some in real life would not. It is like watching porn and wanting the wife or GF to do some of the shit the ACTRESSES do in porn. Not really fair.

The guy can ask no doubt.

thank you everybody for being hard on me, i deserved it and needed it, no i didnt cheat on her, and yes we had awesome sex, im moving in with her, if you look at the time with responces you know i was with her all last week, i wantes a significant other and i found her, not gonna do anything to hurt that, thank you everybody for the honesty, thats what i wanted