Ok, it's to the point where now I need your advice.

I am both flattered and honored that people seek me out to pm and email me about their problems and ask my advice.

I do the best I can, and offer whatever I think might help. I almost always mention that it may be a good idea to seek professional counsel.
Usually, there are a few more exchanges, and then that's it.

When I posted an earlier post about counseling and therapy, I had just been contacted by someone out of the blue in a PM, and had only a few exchanges.
I'm not sure how to word this, but this is clearly not the 'norm' here, and well, it's a bit hair raising, to put it mildly.

I wish I could post more detailed information because that's part of what you would need in order to advise, but I just can't - would not be wise.

I don't want any more to do with this man. I am DONE. I have given my help, given my advice, and I am FINISHED, but he very much is NOT, and wants me to FIX his problem. NOW. His exchanges last night were of desperation such as I've never seen before, and if I had to profile him to any LE line of questioning, I personally would have to consider him dangerous as he is very irrational and all his emotions are exponentially escalating.

I really don't need this right now.
I'd like him to just go away, and get help, but if I ignore him, it could just 'add fuel'...

Why does this business have to have so many weird aspects?

Maybe because we share the most intimate of intimacies with our clients and therefore some may see that as reason enough to share some of the more  darker and obscure aspects of themselves. Be safe.....

Maybe because we share the most intimate of intimacies with our clients and therefore some may see that as reason enough to share some of the more  darker and obscure aspects of themselves. Be safe.....

People are strange when you're a stranger
Faces look ugly when you're alone
Women seem wicked when you're unwanted
Streets are uneven when you're down

When you're strange
Faces come out of the rain
When you're strange
No one remembers your name
When you're strange
When you're strange
When you're strange

Jim Mo sang it best my dear "Abbey" but with those lyrics being said ...my advice is to Give No MORE advice to this person!
You gave it your best "unprofesional"(no disrespect) shot.
He reads these boards and everyone here including this person knows that your not the reason for his strangeness.
Its now time for "him to wake up and smell the tea" and seek help elsewhere.

Tally-Ho!


-- Modified on 1/20/2004 11:02:30 AM

Hello Dirk,

Reading your post, I think you and I are about the same age!  Also, I was a little boy, and spent a year or so in London, and saw the little known movie called "The Singer, not the Song", with Dirk Bogard and John Mills ...  does it ring a bell?  Good acting!  A truly beautiful and meaningful Western ...

either don't respond or tell them you don't offer advice anymore~


Shaye

I would put this person on my ignore list.  That way you never have to deal with him again nor will you have any knowledge of his contacting you or not.

I don't believe you can PM if you use an alias so that should take care of your problem.  If he is somehow able to contact you after you block him, then I would complain to Staff.  He has violated his agreement with TER and should be terminated immediately based on harassment of another member.

Sing it ole' blue eyes...Doobie doobie do!

As for the movie you mentioned ole'chap,it always received mixed reiews but delivered a poignant message for sure.
As for The Servant and Death in Venice. Now, your talking!
Acting at its best!
...and who can not forget A Bridge Too Far.

Back to the music..."Singer not the song"...It was also to be a Rolling Stone song with a nice dulcimer arrangement by Brian Jones in the mid-sixties.

Tally-Ho!




-- Modified on 1/20/2004 11:00:05 AM

as yourself. I have had a similar situations mths ago it was hard to just cut off all communication knowing that the person needs help. If you have given him all the advice you can and know the situation is making you unconfortable then you need to let him know and cut him loose. You need to always come first before anyone else that is the healthiest way to face any situation. Otherwise you are becoming a co-dependant this is dangerous.

kisses & licks........
Mara

Even if he was a good friend in the past (or not), once you have made it clear you can offer no more advice and don't want to have to deal with him any more, simply ignore further communication from him. Then forget him.

Instant cessation of communication always always worked for me, even with those who were angry or semi-threatening. (I assume if you truly felt in danger, you would already have contacted the police.)

Now, an observation....I think you have partially brought this upon yourself by trying to be all things to all people on this board.

Yes, of course it's generally a good thing to be nurturing, and helpful, but I think you are taking it to an extreme to feel you MUST answer every post, every email and every PM you receive from people with problems.

Why should you? You already have an established reputation on TER as a warm, caring and responsible person. Unless you're a licensed professional offering your services for a fee, or have a magazine advice column, LOL, there is no law that says it is your job to take care of people here on TER.

I bet you spend much time every day diligently answering correspondence from TER. I can guarantee that no one else spends that much time on TER mail except the moderators and staff.

So unless Staff wants to put you on paid status as the Dear Abbey of TER, LOL, why don't you reclaim some of your life and time back...and back off from answering all these advice posts and PM problems?




-- Modified on 1/20/2004 11:15:45 AM

-- Modified on 1/20/2004 11:24:34 AM

No, I don't know him from the man on the moon, and TER handle is all that he's offered as ID.

Normally, as I say, I can correspond in a couple of paragraphs, and that's it. Maybe offer a website, or a thread, or some other direction, and none of it usually takes that much time.
Often, someone just wants an acknowledgement, some empathy, and a kind word. Again, not much time. And since I am not a phone person, I don't usually spend time there, nor am I a 'chat' or IM person, so don't do that either.
This particular case is just way over the top, which is why I asked about it.

And of course, I 'normally' don't have any time, none to spare so couldn't devote any more if I wanted to. All that is different due to being home convalescing, so in 'normal' situations (meaning those who are balanced people, just seeking some advice), I don't mind taking the time, since I have it, and it actually helps me not lose my mind for right now.

As I say, this one is 'special' so will see if 'Staff' can offer some direction.

Thanks, Tiff.


-- Modified on 1/20/2004 11:38:37 AM

-- Modified on 1/20/2004 11:40:04 AM

dont do it..there is not enough hours in the day to talk to everyone..I think its a scary concept to talk to someone who you have no idea who they are..I dont do it ever..shut off that feature on your computer you will be happy you did....you dont have to explain to anyone why you dont answer...they would not explain to you

Tiff, you have some good advice on these posts. I would only add that once you have done all you can [or even all you choose to do, including recommending therapy/counseling, the best thing you can do for yourself - and even the other paerson- is end communications! How the other person responds to this is totally out of your contral and not your responsibilty. There are only two things that we can really control in life 1] our own aactions & 2] how we respond to others. If, at this point you don't cut him off, then you are letting him control and put you in a no-win situation. It ain't easy, but it is all you can do. Be stong, safe and remember you are a good person. Peace

Sis,

I've realized that you can't help the World, so I quit trying!

I do what makes "Me" Happy and will no longer let anyone be a burden to me!

I am a very kind person, but I won't Allow Anyone to Take my Kindness for Weakness Anymore! (I don't need anyones negative energy)

You are in Control of your life! Get rid of the Pain in the ASS!
I'm sure that once you do, You will Be a Much Happier person.

Hugs,
Kelly  

-- Modified on 1/20/2004 3:12:47 PM

my replies. Last night, in caps, I told him that he seriously needs help, period! Get on with it!

Well, lucky for me, next week I won't be near a computer - no posts, no emails, no PM's, no phone...

This business has so many weird aspects, I suspect, because like drug abuse, people with problems try to self medicate. This 'hobby' is to many a form of therapy, and it's not surprising it attracts some very broken people.

I'm betting if you ignore this fellow completely, it won't "add fuel", it will just inspire him to move on to a different therapist. At least, it won't be your problem anymore.

Thank you for the link!  I have seen ALL of Dirk Bogard's movies, and as we age, Death in Venice becomes more interesting!

When I think of all the stupid westerns that have been made, then that movie stands tall.  

Glad to have you on board here. By the way, I am in San Diego, I hope you are in the U.S.

I say ole' chap, Clearly you must have better things
to hope for? and in the spirit of this thread,how bout hoping to stay good and healthy for the next 50 years and continueing to satisfy lovely ladies and of course Mr. Willy...lol...

Stupid westerns... you say.Do you mean as in "spaghetti"?
I will say though that Clint did finally bring home the bacon in the Unforgiven.

Tally-Ho!

Tell him that he has gone beyond the boundaries of good taste, common sense and your stamina and that he needs to seek professional counseling.  Remind him that you are not now nor ever will be his pyschiatrist, cleric, confidante or sounding board.  You are not his employee, wet nurse or mommy.  He is a grown man who needs to understand that this isn't the free clinic or "Save A Soul Mission" and only HE can FIX his problem.  Then tell him that you are putting him on your ignore list and will not be returning his messages anymore.  Of course, this can all be communicated in a kinder and more tactful manner than I've stated here if you are concerned about adding fuel to the fire.

If he persists in contacting you in some other fashion (stalking?), see a lawyer or LE ASAP and get it on record.  You must protect yourself and anybody else in your personal life who might be effected by this.  Unfortunately, sometimes our best efforts to help others backfire on us.