Sure, you're a Republican.

And I'm Xaviera Hollander.

GEORGE W. BUSH ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS PRESIDENT:

* I attacked and took over two sovereign countries.
Yeah ... and I did it just for fun.  Wasn't like I had a REASON or anything!

* I spent the US surplus and bankrupted the Treasury.
Yep.  After all, it wasn't like the US surplus was "projected" based on predicted revenues or anything.  Wasn't like the OMB was using combined figures accrued from the last three presidencys - it was actual CASH sitting around so I called up the Fed and said "git it on over to my house"

* I shattered the record for the biggest annual deficit of any country in world history.
Sure did!  After all, there wasn't ONE appropriations bill passed during the last 20 years that called for spending increases THIS year, was there?  When I came into office, there weren't any carried over balances from the last president, were there?

* I set an economic record for the most private bankruptcies filed in the US in any 12 month period.
That was fun, too.  Me & Allan Greenspan would meet fer lunch every Tuesday and go over a list of ways we could make businesses fail.  Allan's a good ole boy just like me, never went to school or nuthing ... and he just got in it our heads that I'd get my buddies over at the CIA to beam instructions into people's heads that they shouldn't travel anymore ... that would hurt the tourism business and ruin all their support businesses.   After all, it worked so well gettin people to shop for low cost imported stuff rather than American made stuff which helpd close more manufacturing jobs.  Man this here job is FUN!

* I set an all-time record for the biggest drop in the history of the US stock market.
Same deal here!  The first part of my secret plan was to get folks to invest in DOT COMS like pets.com and Idiot.com and trade them ol stocks up to like 30,000 times revenue ... then I got a few people to wake up one day and realize they bought into nuthin ....  did that a number of years ago to set the stage fer when I crashed them ol planes into the World Trade Center ... people would get all scared & all.   Worked like a charm!

* I am the first president in decades to execute a federal prisoner.
Yeah .. that one's a character flaw I got.   Ol boy goes & rapes and kills a 8 year old girl ... 12 people say he's guilty, 42 Federal Judges in 22 separate reviews all say he got hisself a fair trail ... so yeah .. I let 'em flip the switch!  In fact, I'm sorry I only got to kill the bastard once!

* In my first year in office I set the all-time record for most days on vacation of any president in US history.
This here's a tough job, Kylie.  No matter what I do, there seems like there's 7 million people think it was wrong and think they know better - I have to take time off.  And anyway, it's not like I take my entire staff with me or nuthin ... it's not like my "vacation" is getting up to a world security briefing at 7am instead of 5:45 am and then going to bed at 11pm instead of midnight.

* After taking the entire month of August off for vacation, I presided over the worst security failure in US history.
You betcha!   It isn't like even the last 4 congressional sessions had ever had legislation proposed to reform the SEC laws or nothin.  The system was damn near perfect until I was huntin around the White House back in August and found this ol switch that said "DO NOT TOUCH THIS SWITCH OR THE ECONOMY WILL GO TO HELL" and I jus flipped it fer shits & giggles.

* I set the record for most campaign fund raising trips by any president in US history.
Yeah ... in the old days it was easier just sellin' off parts of the government to foreign agents, but Clinton hosed that sweet deall off fer all of us, now we have to raise money the old fashioned way.

* In my first two years in office over 2 million Americans lost their jobs.
I caused that, Kylie.  Wasn't like companies shipped jobs overseas because the people who invested in those comapnies wanted to increase their profits - nothin like that.  Just me cuz I'm a mean ol sumbitch!

* I cut unemployment benefits for more out-of-work Americans than any other president in US history.
Damn them people!  Everyone knows that when something bad happens to ya .. whether you broke a finger or lost yer job, it's the Government's job to bail ya out!  And that money is free after all,  not like I'd have to take it by raisin' taxes on the ones that still GOT jobs or anything like THAT.  I just did that one cuz hurtin' people brings a smile to this ol face!

* I set the all-time record for most foreclosures in a 12-month period.
Sure did.  Ain't like people over spent what they could earn, was it?  Not like people bought themselves houses they couldn't pay for?  Wasn't like people shopped where they sell Chinese stuff cuz it's cheap and screwed their neighbors out of jobs and caused 'em to lose their houses.  Nope.  Just me!

* I appointed more convicted criminals to administration positions than any president in US history.
Well shit fire.  Can't git good help these days yanno, seems like decent folks don't want to work for less than they can get in private business, have everyone & their kids diggin into every single moment of their whole lives.

* I set the record for the fewest press conferences of any president since the advent of TV.
Yeah.  I been way to busy crashing the economy, taking houses, startin wars, appointing criminals & an all that other stuff.

* I signed more laws and executive orders amending the Constitution than any other US president in history
You should try it, Kylie.  It's fun!  Havin 30,000 members of Congress tell you we need these laws, another 30,000 saying we don't and all of 'em runnin like scared rabbits as soon as I do and it don't make us look good.

* I presided over the biggest energy crises in US history and refused to intervene when corruption was revealed.
Another character flaw Kylie.   I figger them ol people in California elected people who passed the laws allowing the energy crisis ... I jes figger they ought to be the ones that lay in the mess they made.  

* I presided over the highest gasoline prices in US history & refused to use the national reserves as past presidents have.
Yeah Kylie I sure did!   I was sittin here thinkin that if dem ol AYRABS were to get even more cranky and cut us off completely, we might need dem ol reserves perty bad.  Figure if the rest of the world pays about 4 bucks, maybe we could pay 2.

* I cut health care benefits for war veterans.
Damn, Kylie!!! I wrote y'all a letter askin if I could take more taxes from ya to pay fer all this and you never wrote back!

* I set the all-time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously take to the streets to protest me (15 million people), shattering the record for protest against any person in the history of mankind.
Yeah ... there was a lotta people who felt that Saddam was justy a misunderstood pup that needed some more nuclear technology from the French and he'd be a good boy.   Lotta people were thinkin that the United Nations should handle him.  But I got to thinkin one night that he was just an evil bastard .. and as soon as I thought that, I figgered someone ought to do something about it.   As far as the UN is concerned ... them ol boys can't even figure out the damn NO PARKING signs in New York City.

I dissolved more international treaties than any president in US history.
Yeah .. I sorta figgered that maybe I'd do what's best for y'all for a while and not what them frogs think is best fer them

* I've made my presidency the most secretive and unaccountable of any inUS
history.
I figger if you wanted the details you'd do it yourself.   You hired me cuz you knew you couldn't grasp it all

* Members of my cabinet are the richest of any administration in US history.
I gave that one some hard thought, Kylie.  Fer a while, I was gonna appoint poor people.  I was thinking that maybe the best person I could get to run the Dept of Commerce would be some ol boy who couldn't make money at his own business, but then I figured "hey .. maybe rich people GOT rich cuz they is smart!"

* I am the first president in US history to have all 50 states of theUnion simultaneously go bankrupt.
See now ... that's why I don't have time fer no press conferences, Kylie!  I have to run the government during the day and then get my ass down to each state every night and run their governments, too!

* I presided over the biggest corporate stock market fraud in any market in any country in the history of the world.
We already covered this one, didn't we?  So yeah... I personally made every stock transaction, attended every board meeting, personally wrote every stock IPO and fudged every accounting report.   The Congress ... every danged one of 'em ... came to me the otehr day and told me to use that ol magic wand I got to rewrite all 927,413 SEC laws.  Every stinking one of 'em was behind me.  And I jest sat back & laughed at 'em.

* I am the first president in US history to order a US attack and military occupation of a sovereign nation, and I did so against the will of the United Nations and the world community.
That's just to show y'all what a mean sumbitch I can be.   Wasn't no other reason.

* I have created the largest government department bureaucracy in the history of theUnited States.
Yeah ... funny thing that, I though fer a moment about just closin the borders and not lettin anyone in unless they didn't have a bomb strapped to their chest ... but some ol boys in the Congress wouldn't let me do that - said I had to let 'em do something bad FIRST .. THEM catch 'em.   Takes a lot of people to do it backwards like that.

* I set the all-time record for biggest annual budget spending increases, more than any other president in US history.
Sure did.  Like I said, ain't none of that money was passed into laws before I got here, neither!

* I am the first president in US history to have the United Nations remove the US from the Human Rights Commission.
Kinda proud of that one.

* I am the first president in US history to have the United Nations remove the US from the Elections Monitoring Board.
Yeah, see, Coffee & his friends seem to think that when Ol Saddam had a 100% voter turn out and EVERY VOTE was for HIM (even from people who he charged MONEY for the bullets used to kill their sons) that it was a free election.

* I removed more checks and balances, and have the least amount of congressional oversight of any presidential administration inUShistory.
We're tryin to get something done here, Kylie.  Committees ain't the way that happens.

* I rendered the entire United Nations irrelevant.
Nah ... they did that theyselves.    Hell they can't even read "No Parking signs"

* I withdrew from the World Court of Law.
Well Kylie, they got this ol theory there "If the Americans want it, we oppose it"  so I figured when they start growing the food that feeds the world, when they start designing the technology that runs the world, they can tell us the laws we need to obey.

* I refused to allow inspectors access to US prisoners of war and by default no longer abide by the Geneva Conventions.
Kylie, the ol Geneva Convention applies to combatants, not spies, terrorists and people who strap bombs to pregnant women.

* I am the first president in US history to refuse United Nations election inspectors' access during the 2002 US elections.
Yeah I did.  Didn't think much of Al Gore's idea either ... which was to keep countin' the ballots any which way till Sunday until he got the answer he liked.  Supreme Court said the same thing:  They didn't crown me King or nothin - they just said that "Florida has a law giving a finite amount of time to get it done and that law is a legal law"

* I am the all-time US (and world) record holder for most corporate campaign donations.
Wait ..... how can y'all KNOW that if I'm as secretive as you say?  Don't make no sense to me.   Maybe I ain't so secret after all?

* The biggest lifetime contributor to my campaign, who is also one of my best personal friends, presided over one of the largest corporate bankruptcy frauds in world history (Kenneth Lay, former CEO of Enron Corporation).
He's a snakey one that ol' Ken.  Thing is ... he got the same right you got to make donations.  And if he broke some ol laws then that ol' SEC oughta go after him.  (they don't work fer me, by the way)

* I spent more money on polls and focus groups than any other president in U.S.history.
Damn me on that one, Kylie.  Sure I shouldn't be spendin no money trying to figger out what y'all want, should I?

* I am the first president to run and hide when the US came under attack (and then lied, saying the enemy had the code to Air Force 1)
Y'all kinda got me on that one.   Them boys at the Secret Service lifted my ass up and got me on that plane.   Sayin' something about Federal Law makin' 'em do it but we all know how the Secret Service Lies like a Wal Mart rug about these things.

* I am the first US president to establish a secret shadow government.
It's cool too, Kylie.   'cept that the very fact you know about it don't seem to make it secret now, does it?

* I took the world's sympathy for the US after 9/11, and in less than a year made the US the most resented country in the world (possibly the biggest diplomatic failure in US and world history).
Yeah Kylie, they do resent us.  They take our money though.  And they take our food.   Every system THEY have seems to make them older, poorer and totally dependant on their government.  But yanno, you just can't please everyone.

* I am the first US president in history to have a majority of the people of Europe (71%) view my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and stability in the world.
Europe?  I remember them.   Isn't they the people that was selling Saddam all his technology?   The ones with the highest taxes, highest unemployment and largest government welfare programs over the last 40 years?  Yeah, I think that's them.   Imagine that .... they ain't liked us very much ever since we kicked those Nazi bastards out of their countries a long time ago and used more money than have ever been raised up until that time to dump into Europe to rebuild their economies.   I seem to remember that they never step up to the plate fer anything ... just sit back and complain about the ones that do.

* I am the first US president in history to have the people of South Korea feel more threatened by the US than by their immediate neighbor, North Korea.
If it wasn't fer US troops and about 100,000 land mines, they'd be the people of North Korea right now, so if I do what I think is best for the people here and they don't like it, they should see if them ol' boys in China will defend them for a better price.

* I changed US policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded government contracts.
Thing is Kylie ... it's what's so cool about this job.  The government's got something like 65 million people working in it, 90% are what you call Civil Service jobs that I can't do nothing about, 85% were here when I got here and not a SINGLE ONE can shuffle a form, lose a document, create a stink or nuthin to prevent me from doin whatever the hell I like!

* I set the all-time record for the number of administration appointees who violated US law by not selling their huge investments in corporations bidding for gov't contracts.
Not so sure you got the WHOLE story on this one, Kylie.  Neither does the entire US Congress, cuz see, they got the power to correct that if it was as black & white as you say ... but heck I got em all fooled.   The only thing I can't figure is the folks that on one say say I'm so dumb ... and on the other can't seem to pass no laws to stop me!

* I have removed more freedoms and civil liberties from Americans than any other president in US history.
'Cept for your right to accuse me of everything under the sun, you still got that one.  Sun seems to still come up every day and y'all go to work and earn your money and buy your products which you import from other countries ... all them freedoms seem to still be there ... but I'm working on it.

But I get your point here.  You want benefits from the government, but not with money raised from your taxes.   You want to be safe from terrorists, and you want me to catch 'em before they do anything bad, but you don't want me to stop an AYRAB man on the street with a bunch of wires strung on his chest because until he tells me it's a bomb, that would be violatin' his civil rights.  If I do catch one, y'all want him to get himself a lawyer and make a call to his 6 buddies in Portland before I ask him what's up, right?

Remember y'all ... ain't no REASON I'm doing none of this ... I'm doing it just cuz I CAN!

* I entered office with the strongest economy in US history and in less than two years turned every single economic category heading straight down.
Ain't it cool?   Not 9/11,  not the investors in the stock market,  not the world economy, not the entire SHITHOLE that Osama and his friends have caused every contry on Earth  ... just me!   And to think ... all I have to do is flip that ol' switch back from Ecomony Bad to Economy Good and everything would be just fine!

* RECORDS AND REFERENCES:
* I have at least one conviction for drunk driving in Maine (Texas driving record has been erased and is not available).
I wonder ... if people yellin' at you all day like they yell at me would make you take a drink or two.

* I was AWOL from the National Guard and deserted the military during time of war.
Heh.    A lot of folks say that failing to show up for a flight physical (for which I was punished) ain't quite the same as being AWOL ... but hey let's not let any ol' facts actually surface here

* All records of my tenure as governor of Texas have been spirited away to my father's library, sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.
Heh.   Like the records of the past would change any minds?

* All records of any SEC investigations into my insider trading or bankrupt companies are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.
Ain't like the SEC sealed 'em while they investigate or nothin.   Just me stickin' them in a hidey-hole!

* All minutes of meetings of any public corporation for which I served on the board are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.
Same deal.   It's a perk of the job yanno.  700 million people worl in the government, it seems like, and noe ONE of 'em is willing to leak them.

* Any records or minutes from meetings I (or my VP) attended regarding public energy policy are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public review
Ain't none of them people talkin, neither!  Not a ONE!   Amazing, ain't it?   I just LOVE that word "secrecy"- don't you?  Makes it darn sure that it's me hiding something.   Not like it might be some law or regulation that requires the sealed records (I'm not sayin' it IS ... I'm just sayin')  it's JUST ME ... JUST bein evil.   For no other reason than I can!

Or wait ... could I wrong?   COuld it just be that things are a bit more complicated up here that it sseems when you're sitting back there in the cheap seats takin' the cheap shots?

you could probably put together a list like that for every politician in office, Rep or Dem.

... and don't forget, while Bush was president ...

The average price for an escort in Los Angeles has gone up.

On the other hand, maybe prices will go back down with the implementation of the "guest worker program"

-- Modified on 2/5/2004 12:48:44 PM