Morning All,

I'm a young-ish guy... I've finally met the young lady that I think I'd like to settle down with and marriage is probably foreseeable.

The problem is that I've never equated sex with love.  Sex is a fun hobby.  Love is a deep feeling.  The current girl I'm with is not open to the idea of open relationships or swinging.  So I will have no options to satisfy my needs for "new pussy" openly...

Cheating is hard.  She's caught me in the past.  Obviously the best way not to get caught is not to cheat.  I think the second best way is to deal with providers where you don't have to worry about them being as messy as civvy girls.  

Anyone here successfully got into a serious relationship and stopped hobbying altogether?  If you read the sex addiction post you can see I self-identify myself as a person with a "sex addiction."

I'm scared to death of one day having a hobbying situation that goes wrong either with LE (although I'm fairly cautious) or my S/O getting wind and terminating our relationship.

Right now I deal with civvy girls on occasion, see providers on occasion, and rely heavily on pornography to get me through lol.  I'm not sure how long things will last if I continue this route.

Any advice/suggestions/feedback?

I've read the board so I know some of you guys can be pretty brutal.  If your life is at a point where brutality on message boards makes your life worth living... by all means fire away.  Other responses appreciated as well.

This should be a slam dunk for you

Hell...you're already a veteran "cheater" and seem to have the understanding on how to hide your cheating even before it is necessary.

FWIW...You say that your SO/future wife LOL is NOT into sharing YOU.  What a shocker...so you're asking if others have done this successfully.  Good for you to ask before you go at this in earnest.

Just a thought...tell her that you plan on fucking hookers throughout your marriage..whether she likes it or not.  She can either accept you for the "whore monger" you are, or she can find a guy that shares her interest in monogamy.

And if you'd like this to turn into a real train wreck...let me know by way of a snarky reply and we can have some fun this afternoon  LOL

Re: This should be a slam dunk for you

If you are planning on fucking around even before you get married then I would skip the marriage part. When she does find out it's going to cost you half of everything you've got plus alimony and you won't be even able to afford hookers. Oh excuse me. Escorts.

You should admit your sex addiction. I would appreciate anyone with any addiction to let me know beforehand so I could make my choices and not have them made for me after the fact.

If you're already cheating, then it does not look good for the future. Just don't get married if you know you can't honor the vows...in fact let her know you are not even monogamous. Give her the respect of letting her decide whether to stay or go.

I can tell you that no wife that I know of would accept her husband saying I love you honey but I want other pussy during our marriage. That ain't gonna go well! Either tell her up front that sex is fun for you and even though you love her, you want to play with other pussy and ask her if she can accept it or just plain don't get married at least not to her! You want to cheat but not get caught and she has caught you before and is still with you so she is understanding, tolerate and loves you. That or either is waiting for you to get married so that she can take out a bunch of insurance policies on you and kill you and make it look like an accident as revenge lol. Either way it's not fair to her that she goes into this marriage with you feeling like this and not telling her. Tell her your plans and desires and see if she is ok with it then proceed from there.

Re: This should be a slam dunk for you

LMAO I'll pass.  No snark here.  I already know the prowess of the posters in this forum.

White flag... and respect!

No fun to be had here...

Good ideas.

I of course intend to do my best to refrain from cheating after taking the vows.

I was hoping to get some advice from former hobbyists managing to abstain LOL (if any are here)

But now I realize the magnitude of my error in making this thread.

Mods please have mercy and delete LOL

You know, or believe, that you need multiple sex partners to feel satisfied. Until you can conquier that behavior, do not get married. Why put yourself and your bride-to-be through all of that pain and heart ache if you can avoid it.  Some folks are not marriage-material and you may be one of them. Just be thankful that you've discovered this problem BEFORE marriage.  Discovering it afterwords is substantially worse.  

Marrried sex will ultimately become routine. It will not give you the adrenaline/dopamine rush that you experience as a player. Eventually, it may stop or become so infrequent that it essentially stops. If you have a penchant to stray, you will very likely stray after marriage. I'd suggest getting to a different point in your life before you contemplate marriage.  

A couple things.

If you fuck around long enough you are going to be caught. You already have so you know what I say is true. Most of us have at some point compromised our "relationship" for as you put it, "new pussy". With all the discussion of addiction I will not bore you with my thoughts but in reality you have two basic choices.

1) Continue to do what you do and at some time in the future you will be crying, begging and promising to get help and to never cheat  again. Only to do none of what you say you will until your fear of true loss overcomes your desire for "new pussy" and by then it may be too late.

or

2) Come clean with some counselor, shrink, Rabbi, Priest ...whatever and fight your desire for "new pussy" everyday. Get married and keep your great memories to yourself.

You have been caught by this lady in the past so something is lacking so my advice is do not marry this one. You do not respect her enough to cut out your hobby and she does not trust you.  

Then again some people get off on the thrill of doing something they are not suppose to be doing, according to norms, and really the sex is just the vehicle. Some people get drunk or high or molest poodles. That is where a pro might help you figure out what your driver is, that is of course if you give a fuck.

I prefer to get drunk, high and lick the little majic buttons of as many pretty women "here" as I can make arrangements with. I have left poodles alone since I developed an uncanny habit of sniffing butts in public and pissing on hydrants.

Just an Old, Ugly, Fat Fuck with an Opinion

You said she has caught you before cheating !!!  DON'T get married !!  She will hang that over you until the day you die.  At your grave she will think about that and how much of a prick you are for cheating.  Stay single and fuck, suck, and have sex with whomever you'd like.   Please take my advise and don't be a statistic.

Thank you sir solid advice. I'm hoping I can just man up and be satisfied with all the other aspects of a relationship beside sex. Or that I develop the best right hand since Pedro Martinez lol

I think I'm going to give it that shot. I really will do my best to just leave it alone. Her BS # is under 3... and I believe her... she doesn't drink, smoke, nor swear. Don't know what the fuck she's doing with an alcoholic, toking sumbitch like me

You're right... getting caught is pretty much inevitable... I'm going to heed your advice and keep the past in the past... and my photos and videos from the past on a separate hard drive in a third party location.

these days.  What happened to OWNING to your actions and admitting it ... First step would be "I am a (insert vice here)?"

the OP is not sex addict - he is a horn dog who is trying to come up with safest ways to break wows he has not made yet.

Actual sex addiction is truly a symptom of much more problematic psychiatric problems, like bipolar disorder. Take fucking random strangers out of possible ways to "act out" and sex addict with pursue something else with as much gusto.

There are more people with "hooker board addiction" than with actual sex addiction on this forum

Lina

Hooker board addiction...that is  LOL

And as far as people owning up to their choices....nothing new here.

Easier to blame anybody and everybody else for someone's poor lifestyle choices!

I love these "what should I do?" Posts.  As if feedback from a bunch of semi anonymous deviants on a fuck board can have ANY value in helping you make such an important personal decision.

FWIW the link below may help.

What's the 12 steps for this one? As for OP .. he has choices

1)  Stay faithful

2) Dump her and find someone who is OK with swing lifestyle

3) Get married, get caught again and loose half of his stuff.

He WILL get caught because after catching him once she will be watching his every breath.

Lina

I an NOT a fucking deviant

I prefer pervert please

And I did offer the OP to reply with a snarky comment so we could have some fun this afternoon.

Yep...I am a deviant LOL

Appreciate your responses.

The OP will be a fun addition to the TER board.

Maybe he'll keep us posted of his nuptials and how he's fooling his bride.

then I hope she takes you for everything. What you wanted here was somebody to say, "it'll be alright, when she finds out she'll forgive you, take you in her arms and only want threesomes from now on."

Already.  That scene was the first thing I thought of when I read the OP.  LMAO

I'm looking for something discreet of course.

I kept going to MPs now and then for a HJ, but mostly because I love massage.

For the first few years, my wife and I had a lot of sex, and that kept me satisfied but after the old seven year itch set it, I was down to once a month, if that.

So, I reached out and started to see escorts again, and never looked back.

You really should have put this in the newbie board; you'd get a lot more sympathetic response.

I think it is fine that you use us as a sounding board, rather than have guys beat you over the head with the board.

Tell her now and save yourself a bunch of money down the road. Life is too short to not do what makes you happy.

Where the one Martian is spraying his "death ray" while people are running for their lives and he's saying..

"Don't run...We are your friends"  

It is one thing to marry someone who at one time was providing for your sexual needs, then all of a sudden stopped because of hormones etc. but it is another thing to flat out lie about how much you enjoy random ass. You two are not sexually compatable, so don't do her such a disservice because you claim you love her yet can't keep your d^ck in your pants. Tell her this is what you are and how you feel, and let HER decide if she wants to be with you.

I will also add that if you really feel you have an addiction to sex, you should see a therapist. It is really not that hard to gain control over your thought life and emotions, but you have to "choose" to do it. All battles are won and lost in the mind not the body, so start there. If you let your mind wander whereever it will, you will be led right to the things you claim are hurting you. Get control over your own throught life, instead of letting it rule over you...that's a start.



-- Modified on 8/17/2012 6:08:53 PM

I don't remember if you were married, but I think you were either married or in a committed relationship.

If so, do you tell your husband/SO that you're providing?

If so, then I have nothing to say.  

Re: This should be a slam dunk for you

ChgoCPA...YOUR A NUT!!! lolololol lmfao...make me laugh all the time with your posts!! hahaa..

It will be very, very, very expensive new pussy.  And I am not talking about what you pay the provider.

Re: Hmmm I don't have annual rate posted but i could come up with one eom

Oh okay.  So I could get you on my side of the argument for a price?  I feel better now.

Ohhh and fucking of course lol

Or can she dress up, do different positions, different rooms at home & away?  Most guys...  and I'll say all hobbiests...  need sex often.  If I got it at home, I'd not be getting it elsewhere.   Or do you like the thrill of the chase?  
You really need to be very honest with yourself first...  and then with her...  Not about providers...  never tell that.  You've had other girlfriends before, no need to say HOW LONG they were your girlfriends for.  One hour?  2?  a weekend?   But if she's not up for sex...  then it'll never work.  Period.

It's not the thrill of the chase.  It's that Baskin Robbins has 31 flavors. No matter how much I love Cherry Garcia. I'm going to want some Chunky Monkey eventually.  After that I'm going to want Rocky Road.  After that I'm going to want mint chocolate chip.

She gives it up and she doesn't make me beg, in fact, she tends to want it more than I do.  But the same old just isn't fun to me.  It's not the thrill of the chase because I don't consider handing a paid sex worker cash a chase.

I'll put it in another light. I don't own a DVD collection. Once I've seen a movie, I've seen the movie.  I don't get the same excitement seeing it the second time that I did seeing it the first time.

To put it in yet another light.  I love mussels.  If I had to eat mussels and only mussels every day at every meal, I'd want to blow my head off.

But I guess in this society where artificially constructed monogamist ideology has been thrust upon the nation due to the nature of our post-WWII, post-industrialized economy, where gender roles have been blurred to oblivion in favor of the integration of the fairer sex into the workforce, we men simply have to accept the new world order and succumb to a life of sexual monotony to maintain loving relationships.  If that's the case that's fine.  I guess my hand will be my new best friend for the next 60 years.  I hope arthritis doesn't set in too early.  SMH @ conventions.

She's up for sex.  I'm not up to watch Die Hard 2 and eat mussels for the next 40,000 nights.  But my love for her is unparalleled so it is what it is I guess.

I'm not really afraid to be beat over the head on the board within reason.  I read this board so I kind of knew what to expect from whom.  And, I was always taught to consider the source, so I was ready for foolery going in.  But you're right maybe I should have put it in the newbie board.

Anyway thanks for the feedback.

She makes more money than me and owns more assets. Our marital home would prospectively be a place she currently owns.  We also have no children together. I don't foresee her needing, wanting, or getting, "half." FWIW

I have no hooker board addiction.  I generally only read and don't post, if I read at all.  I'm not even sure that such a thing as a sex addiction exists.  I mean sex was designed to be one of the more enjoyable experiences in life.  It's not a chemical mixture that someone came up with in a lab like bath salts.  However, I do find that I pursue sex more than others, which is why I use the term "addiction."

That being said I think I am "owning my actions."  I did admit it is ME that is the sex addict, and not HER that has some kind of issue didn't I?  I also feel I'm pretty much in the clear of any larger psychiatric issue as I've never been diagnosed with any.  However, if the sex addiction was the result of a psychiatric issue, would it be any less real?  I didn't make the post to excuse myself or absolve myself.  I was just wondering if any guys out there in hooker board land had any life experience with dealing with their desires in the context of a monogamous relationship and could share any successful tactics.  Tis all.

The prospective cheating bastard who enjoys semi-anonymous sex with previously un-visited vaginas I guess?

Thank you good sir!  I'm torn as to what to do whether it be to do as you've instructed which has been my line of thinking for lo these many years, or to just work on my sensory deprivation tolerance.

As I've stated previously, she's the one with money so if anyone would get alimony it would be me.  At worst I'd have to move out of a house that she owns.

But I'm definitely not wanting for someone to say what you suggested.  I was actually hoping that someone with real life experience and coping skills could say:

"Young man I was 20something once.  I know fucking different women seems like the end-all be-all but things will change in a few years.  If she's the one you love you'll get through it.  Here's how I did it:"

And then impart some words of wisdom from there that I could use to have a happy and lengthy relationship with my partner.

Not looking for a pep-talk to tell me to do what I can already do on my own.  Moreso looking for sage wisdom from individuals who know how not to fuck up a household in the name of random cunt.

Not.  This is YOUR decision, YOUR life, YOUR future alimony payments.


Lina

Ad she caught you cheating in the past.  Yet she still wants to marry you.

What mind alterring substance are you slipping into her food?

Maybe my golden personality and sweet and loving disposition as a partner is not shining through in the thread?

You think that she wouldn't go for as much as she can if you cheat on her? I suggest once again that you not get married, not because of what you posted but because you don't know women particularly one that is pissed! LOL!

He likely has her convinced of what a charming catch he is. Throw cheating in, and now she has to prove to him and herself that she will be the one to make him stop. This only feeds her need for him even more. It's a sick game, and still works lol.

Why does it have to be sick? Why does it have to be drugs or maniuplation? Sheesh.  You ladies act like I'm the first male or female cheater on Earth to have a decent partner who decides to stick around. I'm not a maniuplator nor a game player.  I'm just an every day guy.  Most every day guys are attracted to other women.  You make it seem like I'm some kind of rare breed of sleazeball.  I'm an average person.

You find some woman with more money than you, live in HER home, and still cheat...hope she makes you sign a prenup. Better yet, I hope whilst you are cheating you discover she is fkin your best friend and she is also a hooker...ha ha freakin HA!

Don't ever underestimate a woman honey...we always get you back when you fk up, and since you are NOT paying her she owes you nothing as far as discretion. Would not want to be you when she finds out, and she will. You can bet on that. A wife who has been with a guy for 20 plus years, just does not want the crap thrown in her face but that's because she really does not want to fk her hubby and is glad we are doing it. A new bride finding out she has been taken advantage of (and that is what you're doing) will not be so mild about it. Best of luck...call me bwahahaha.

Believe me.  I know hell hath no fury but a woman scorned.  But at the same time.  What is she going to do?  Is she going to take her own house from me?  I never owned it anyway.  Is she going to take her truck from me? My name's not on the registration.  So that typical provider male with tons of property to lose in a divorce situation doesn't apply to me.  If she keeps everything it was all hers to begin with so I've lost nothing.

That doesn't mean I want to cheat on her because I don't.  I'm just saying the whole "beware sir that foxy and vindictive lady is going to take it all" doesn't apply in this case because everything there is to take is hers essentially.  

I might not keep her house or her truck but I don't expect to.  I don't own them now, nor would I need to own them in the future as a handout.

Why are you guys attempting to be so mean LMAO.  If you've been hurt in the past I am truly sorry.  I am not a man who goes around hurting women.  Like I said at the outset, I made this post moreso to get tips from men who have desires but have avoided cheating on their wives.  I'm not going into the marriage with the desire to cheat.  I want to have a long, happy, healthy, relationship like anyone else.

It's kind of weird that you guys have so much to say with regard to disparaging me.  Don't know what else to say about it.  Sorry if some guy hurt your feelings back in the 80's.  But I'm not that guy.

And clean up you act she will dump you because you will become boring and uninteresting

About being a whore monger and they will understand.

If she already caught him cheating then she already knows his proclivities.

Millions of women marry men for money every year.  It's perfectly socially acceptable.  But heavens forgive a man marry a woman who makes more money than he does.  All of a sudden it's a federal scandal.  That's so crazy right?  SMH.  I believe in equal rights for both sexes.  If a strong, dominant, successful woman manages to succeed in this sexist corporate environment, are we supposed to knock this woman for her choice of partner?  A woman should be able to choose her partner the same way a man is free to do so.  It's quite sexist to say that a man who marries a successful woman is some kind of scoundrel, when a woman marrying a successful man is considered innocent and the status quo.  That's a terrible double standard undermining gender equity in our modern and sophisticated society.

Hi DC,

... sign me up!!

Words of wisdom ....I am married ..love my wife ...she is disabled and unable to be intimate. I hobby to try and fill this void. Is this a valid reason to hobby? ...NO Because I made a commitment to her. You know your fucking around will hurt her,  why in Gods great earth would you marry her knowing you couldn't hold to any commitment? It's an accident waiting to happen.

I take no issue with anything you have said here, and find your question quite legitimate. Legit enough to even give you a straight answer.

Yes, even the biggest horn dog CAN be faithful if he so chooses. I was only married for a relatively short time, five years, but during that time I NEVER cheated on my wife, not even during that last few months when sex with her was almost nonexistent.

The difference between me and the cheaters that post here, is that when I was in love with my wife I felt no desire to cheat, she was all I needed, or wanted. When I fell out of love with her, I got the fuck out,  lest I end up like many of the cheaters here who are undoubtably miserable most of time, and only get brief respites from their misery.

My advice to you is that if you are already planning on how to cheat on your future wife, you probably aren't in the place where you  should be getting married. That is not if you really care for this woman, You will be doing her, and yourself by making vows you already don't plan on keeping.

and to think some people think I am the biggest asshole ever to post on TER. roflmfao

BTW Just in case you don't know me, I am one of the biggest horndogs you will ever meet. I once did forty different women in a 10 day period and have already fucked about 15 different women this month and we are barely halfway through the month. If I can do it, anybody can, but only if they want to.

I applaud your willingness to post your situation on this board.  I suggest you read your original post and consider my observations and questions while looking deep within yourself with a brutal and relentless openness and honesty.  Oh, and just to compliment my comments w/ perspective, I am in my mid 50's, married w/ child for 20 years and approaching a divorce which I am looking forward to.  I would certainly consider marriage again in the future.  I hobby a few times a year and would give it up in sec for the "right" woman.
 
You state "I'm a young-ish guy... I've finally met the young lady that I think I'd like to settle down with and marriage is probably foreseeable."  How young are you?  I believe most men don't truly mature and really know themselves and what they want until they're around 30 years old.  You "think" you'd like to settle down?  Don't get married until you really want to be w/ her with all your heart.  Ideally, entering into this commitment would feel like an irresistible desire on your part.  Hopefully, your heart leads you to think about this and your mind agrees that it's a good idea from a pragmatic pov.

You state "The problem is that I've never equated sex with love.  Sex is a fun hobby.  Love is a deep feeling.  The current girl I'm with is not open to the idea of open relationships or swinging.  So I will have no options to satisfy my needs for "new pussy" openly..."  Perhaps you SHOULD start trying to equate sex with love in your current relationship.  Why can't you have both w/ the same woman?  Perhaps you're not "in love" with this woman as much as you think?  Maybe if you didn't think of sex as a hobby but rather as a way to express your love for her AND the relationship you have together, the sex would feel that much better.  The desire for "new pussy" may not then be so attractive to you.  I'm not saying you won't see and desire other women, you will!  But your heart and head (the big one, the one w/ the brain) would overrule the little head (the one w/ no feelings and no brain) when you consider the consequences to yourself, your SO and the relationship after intimate relations with another woman.  Like anything you do often, the more frequently you vote in favor of "looking" and not "buying" the quicker the decision will be made and the easier it will be to walk away without acting on an impulse.  The strength of your feelings and the respect you have for her and the relationship (btw, always consider them together) will make this easier as time goes on if, and only if, your relationship continues to grow after you get married.  Successful marriages never stop growing and evolving.  If you aren't committed to her and the relationship from the beginning and give this relationship your full effort, it is doomed.    

You state "Cheating is hard.  She's caught me in the past.  Obviously the best way not to get caught is not to cheat.  I think the second best way is to deal with providers where you don't have to worry about them being as messy as civvy girls."  IMHO, this is some major fucked up thinking on your part.  Sorry to say this, but if this is honestly how you think and feel then you have no business even thinking about marriage.  It's immature and delusional.  Not crazy delusional, but you're trying to fool yourself and I think you already know it.  You're not even married yet and you're already cheating!  You think you can just flip a switch and stop fucking other women?  Ha! No fucking way.  You've already got an exit strategy and your behavior is going to end up hurting you, her and both your families.  Man up and be 100% honest with yourself.  Currently, it doesn't sound like you're close to that but this post and the questions you're considering are a good start... but the real work is just starting.

You state "I'm scared to death of one day having a hobbying situation that goes wrong either with LE (although I'm fairly cautious) or my S/O getting wind and terminating our relationship."  Again, you demonstrate that you've got one foot in the relationship and one out.  Looks like the leading foot is the one outside.  Fuck man, you're thinking about the LE angle and you mention that before the consequences of this relationship ending?  Sounds like your priorities are ass backward.  Try being fully invested in your relationship and the decision of whether to get married or not will be very easy.  Hell, once she gets to really know you she may not want to marry you.  I wonder if this is really the point of you posting this in the first place. Hmmm?

You've got some soul searching to do.  I wonder how well the two of you really, truly know each other?  You describe her (albeit in very general terms) in a complimentary way.  If you had a sister, and perhaps you do, would you want her to marry a clone of you?

I've made some harsh statements and frankly have no right to judge you, so please take my comments in the spirit of my trying to help you figure out what you think is best for yourself and her.  I wish the two of you the best that life has to offer.

A woman that marries a successful man is called a goldigger, nothing nice and innocent about that term.

True, but what would you call a man that marries a woman with a higher income.

I would say the man who marries a woman who is the bread winner, simply because she is, should be considered a gold digger. I think it also depends on his intentions. Is he planning on playing video games all day or is he in school to better his income?

As far as cheating goes, if you go into the marriage knowing you will cheat you should do both of you a favor and never marry. I will tell you that men are not the only cheaters.

You're basically playing her for a sugar mamma, and don't even know it. I mean you said it yourself babe...when a board full of hookers and johns tells you that your actions are sleazy, that should wake you up! We are by far the most sexually liberated of the lot, and even that has not blinded us to what you're doing. You ADMITTED that you don't think you can be faithful, so don't get married!

-- Modified on 8/18/2012 3:54:42 PM

not to cheat when they find a guy dumb enough to support them. You are both a gold digger and an opportunist...bravo! If you were just the common monger, you would get more respect.

Don't get married. While you know that it's different to hobby it's not just her you are putting at risk. Your families your future kids your career. Just live free or comptomise. My .02 which cost me a lot more...

Outstanding post my man... I appreciate you taking the time to quote me and addressing things point by point.  I feel more strongly for this woman than I have for any other woman I've been with.  I am under 30 but not by a ton.  I am more scared of LE than being caught cheating by her because divorce doesn't show up on an employment background check as a dis-qualifier from being hired.  Without a woman, life goes on.  Without a job, not so much.  I can have sex with her... that's fine.  We do have sex.  At the same time I don't enjoy the redundancy and it's not fixed by new positions or different locations, or a variety of outfits.  At the end of the day it's still me and her.  I do want to be with her with all my heart, just not all my dick.  Like I've said to others though, I mean if that's what it really takes, if that's what the world has really come to for men, to be bored with one woman in bed your whole life or either not be able to have a family, then I guess my choice is made for me because I do want to have a family.  I will just have to beat my dick and wish we could live like men did in the Bible when multiple female companions were the norm.  Just another thing America's fucked up.  I wish I could go back to the 30's when men agreed to this bullshit and kick some major ass politically but that's not an option to my knowledge.  I don't think I can flip a switch.  But I do hope I can.  I mean the way I see my options are 1) forget that sexual desire exists and try to embrace all the other options life has to offer.  2) acknowledge that I have sexual desires that go beyond what a single woman can provide and hope that I can find satisfaction outside the relationship without being caught.  Neither option is attractive, but I guess I would sleep better at night if I took the first option?  I will resent the hell out of the girl though and this artificial bullshit system called monogamy that men agreed to in order to integrate women into the work-force.  You weren't harsh at all.  Actually very thoughtful and helpful, especially in contrast to others who were neither thoughtful nor helpful (not naming names) lol... thanks a lot!