Ok, you knew there had to be at least one adventure involving STDs.  
   
 I got crabs once. You know this dates me, because crabs (pubic lice) are quite rare now that everyone grooms. I have always had mixed feelings when it comes to shaved pubes. On one hand, I like the ability to easily inspect the merchandise. On the other hand, everyone looks like an 11 year old, which is sort of creepy sometimes.  
   
 And, OK, I admit that I got the crabs from a civvie girl. Studies argue that the risk of catching STDs from pros is less than the risk of sleeping around with civvie women, and I believe that. In fact, the only thing I have ever caught from a pro is a case of molluscum contagiosum, which is no big deal. Kind of like the relatively harmless little brother to herpes. I should have seen that one coming, though, because she was sort of a skank. In a sexy way, though. Otherwise, I am generally pretty good about washing up. In fact, I've been complimented on it. "So many guys don't know how to wash their dick properly", said one friend, once. I used to think that a girl might be insulted if I washed up in front of her, as if she was dirty. In fact, all the pros I've known seem to like an obsessively clean man.  
   
 But hey, soap and water ASAP is still no reason to not get regularly tested. I cannot recommend stdexpress.com more highly. I have used it many times, and was always impressed at the convenience, discretion, and quality. Check it out.  
   
 But back to the adventure. So I got these crabs, and they are itching crazy. I didn't know why I was itching. I had never had crabs before. But then I remember so terribly clearly seeing one crawling out of my pubic hair one day while pissing into some urinal, and I am like WTF?! So I do what any other independently-minded chap would do... I go to the pet store and get some dog/cat flea & tick powder. And I sprinkle it all over my crotch per the directions. take that, lice!  
   
 NO NO NO. I have no idea why companies would make this stuff and what sort of horrible lack of testing goes into pet medical products, but my nut sack turned red, burned for a week, and the skin peeled off like a bad sunburn. Not cool. And I still had the crabs!  
   
 Later, I upgraded to human lice shampoo, and that did the trick (make sure you shave or use the little comb; it's important to get rid of the eggs). Now I groom and wash and don't fuck sleazy civvie girls.  
   
 So...  
   
 1) Get tested regularly. It's easy and dare I say it almost fun (to know you're healthy).  
   
 2) Stay away from the pet store medical products. Even for your pet.  
   
 Remember that condoms only protect from STDs spread via bodily fluids. Stuff like crabs, or anything spread via sores (herpes, syphilis, etc) won't necessarily be protected against at all. Virus is often spread in between outbreaks. So GET TESTED regularly. WASH immediately whenever possible. No one likes a scabby oozy weiner.