I know what  am about to discuss is a bit unorthodox to say the least. However, this is the "GENERAL DISCUSSION" Board.
Therefore, here goes.

I just found out something I consider disturbing.

I am 45 years old my parents are in their 70's, and rounding the bend to the big "50" year anniversary.

They live about 200 miles away and individually come down periodically to visit me.

My Mom was visiting this past weekend and after dinner we were talking when she laid a bombshell on me.

Now what I am about to tell you is a summary of what she said. I would love to tell you all the details so you can perhaps experience the same effect I experienced when I first heard this but it would fill a book.

Although one would think that after being married as long as they have my parents would  have a solid marriage. Nothing could be further from the truth.

My Mother confessed to me that my Dad has cheated on her countless times throuout their marriage, yet she  has tolerated it.

She went on to say he is still doing it even though he has had prostate cancer and can no longer get an erection, by ANY means natural or artificial.

I told her that I earlier in my life had an inkling something like that was going on, to which I told her it was her own fault for tolerating it.
Then she dropped the bombshell.

I should mention that my Dad was in the service up untill 1975.
In 1972 he went on a hardship tour of Duty to South Korea.

While there he had another affair with a local girl who he eventually knocked up.

He refused to divorce my Mother, and came back to the states leaving his "girlfriend" and newborn son behind.
I don't know if he just abandoned them, or if he provided child support for his other "son" but he left them behind.

What I want to know is do I confront him and demand the truth or do I do as I a good friend of mine says and "respect his privacy"

FYI my relationship with my Dad is absolutly terrible, and suffice it to say asking him couldnt make it much worse.

I dont have the means of locating my brother,and the odds are he has no desire to hear from me, I just want to know if he actually exists.

Thank you in advance for your constructive advice.

In what respect was your mother telling you this?  Was she telling you as a confidant or does she want you to say something?

Before you do anything I would ask her what she would like for you to do.  It is their marriage not yours, she has to live with him, you don't.  They are in their 70's, does your mom want to be alone now?

At the end of the day it is up to you to decide what you think is best for the sake of your parents.  Remember sometimes we need to vent and maybe that was what she was doing.

Good luck and I wish you the best.

One of the best pieces of advice I've ever received was this:  Before saying something you suspect will be confrontational or hurtful, ask yourself what would improve by speaking.  If you feel you'd accomplish something positive by speaking to your dad, then go ahead.  If not, maybe it would be best to allow him and your mother to deal with the situation as they see fit.

You mentioned that your current relationship with your dad is not good, and that bringing this up couldn't make it any worse.  I'm guessing that the communication between you too isn't so great, so i'm wondering if trying to bring this issue up will have any positive results at all.  It is likely to just make things worse...for both of you.  If you and your father had a great relationship with wonderful communication I would be more likely to say that you should bring it up with him.  I do respect your desire to know if you have a brother out there, but would you be bringing this issue with your dad just to throw something negative in his face?

from what I can tell in your posting, you want to confront your dad.
Aside from having a bad relationship with him, it is none of your business. If your dad wanted to tell you he would have.
Keep what your mother told you in confidence and move on.
If it was me, I wouldn't say a word.

Shaye

So called "cheating" is normal human behavior with many positive features for the human race. Ask any anthropologist or non-fundamentalist. Even better, figure it out for yourself.
Men need sex and variety, and some need it more than others.
t is in our genes and dna and lower brains.
Nothing is more natural and Darwinian than having occasional additional sex partners. This would be a very boring world without recreational sex. Same is true for women and pool boys and milk men.
American women are the worse about being annoyed. They demand the most and provide the least.
Leave it alone.
Do your best to be kind of positive with your elderly parents.
Surviving old age is bad enough without making it unnecessarily worse.
My dad was a poon hound up to age 70 and beyond, and happier because of it. He and I were able to laugh about it until they had to take his car keys away to keep him from running off with a lady when he was 78. That really pissed him off, but he could no longer drive or hear or see far at all.
Many men need sex up until the day they croak.
I hope to croak at 90 at the end of an awesome bbjtc.
Maybe you have some serious hangups you need to work on instead of hassling your dad.
So what if you have a half-brother. I probably have quite a few myself. What are you gonna do, have a reunion and whack off! LOL
Endless

To try and answer some of your questions. I have been to South Korea while I was in the Navy and finding anyone that you have lost touch with for more than 20 or so years is to say the least hard. More than likely she was a provider around one of the military bases there. They come and go as they grow older and less men see them. Harsh but true.
Since you mentioned that he can not get an erection anymore it is more than a sexual thing going on. He probable can say things to her that might hurt your mom even more than the occasional visit. He might not have too many friends from his past to talk to. Being older the macho guy thing would be pretty ingrained into him. I don't know what to say about confronting him about this maybe Dr Phil is more likely to help than Jerry Springer.

Don't take this the wrong way but don't you think this is the wrong place to discuss this?  Do you have a therapist?  This is a serious subject to go on a discussion board asking for advice.  Woody

For starters shame on your mother for waiting so long to tell you that you had a brother. Shame on her for putting up with it, I hope that you don't see this as an example to do this to your future wife and think that she will tolerate it just like your mother did. Honestly, make up for your dad's wrongdoing and try to get it off your chest and contact your brother. I think that you will surely have to fly out to see him and possibly learn a new language. I don't think that it is too late to build a bond with your father. I truly hope that you don't hate him. Lord only knows the guy must have one f'd up conscience to say the least. Both your mother and you should try to make the best of your years together and don't hold grudges that you are not going to have time to get over since your folks are in their older years. It's your life and you have every right to be angry. Remember that family comes first and if you ddo confront your father, let your mother know or at the very least protect her from your father lashing out at her for telling you.
Be happy and go find that other half!
Good Luck!

In reading your request for some help I would like to give you another point of view.
Even though fathers are not suppose to have any feelings, regret anything they do in their lives.....or better yet not have any maternal sense.
What if by you talking ( not confronting, or being insulting) to your father, you help him deal with all the lying and not accepting that in this world, their is a child that he has fathered, and has not met. I am sure that in your heart at 45 years old and a single child you wished  that you would have had a brother or sister. If nothing else at least to fight with. What an amazing opportunity for you to find your sibbling,  if or when your parents pass on, you will be left alone........but not if you find your brother.
If you dig deep and search in your heart you may find the answer to help you, do with this information, something good! For the better of your entire family (including your lost brother). I will keep your family in my prayer, I will especially pray for your father and may he find peace and acceptance.
Kisses ,
Mara of San Diego
 

-- Modified on 5/1/2003 12:48:49 AM

You could start off by telling your parents how you like the services of prostitutes.That you can understand how in a poor country like Korea a young woman in need  might not ask a rich powerful (maybe drunk) American soldier to use birth control. Circumstances often are very different than you imagine.

that those who die during sex die DURING sex, not after the orgasm...

Let it go.

Parents do not have a responsibility to divulge all facts about their lives to children (a common misconception held by children, especially adult children).

Other than to satisfy your own natural curiosity, what good does it serve.  You say you have a poor relationship with your father - contacting him for this sole purpose is not constructive and selfish.

Many adopted children suffer a similar curiosity in adulthood.  It is not their "right" to seek out the natural parents.  In fact, most times, the adoption process is setup to prevent such contact.

Be thankful to your parents for the good things they provided to you.  They are flesh and blood human beings, the y aren't perfect.

I didn't read anywhere in your post that you were a psychologist or a priest, so I assume you're like the rest of us, just trying to get along in life, you know, like Cosby said "why is there air?".  Since you're not a priest or psychologist, what could your mother possibly expect you to do by confiding in these episodes with you?  And what could you possibly do for or about one of hundreds of thousands of Asian children born to hormone challenged servicemen in the last 50 years?  Your relationship is no good with Dad?  Do you want to make it better, or worse?  You'll accomplish nothing by bringing it up to him, except make it worse.  My dad gave me good advise when I was about 18 years old:  "Never interfere in the relationship between a husband and a wife".  (Short of physical abuse, of course) I submit this is the best advise you can follow.

and therefore I respect what you wrote.

However, let it be known that even though I am as far from being a fundamentalist  Bible thumper as you can get I take issue   the following issues you raised in your answer.

1.I am paraphrasing what you wrote. You state "Cheating is a normal human behavior with "positive results". What positive results are you refering to? Broken homes. Destroyed marriages and relationships. As one of my dearest friends once said "If you make the commitment, or worse yet if you tie the knot, you've danced your last dance, and if you can't accept that then you be a man and disolve the relationship and move on"

I have yet to see anything positive resulting from cheating aka adultery. All it does is cause mental anguish. In some countries, at least at one time it is or was perfectly legal to shoot your spouse if you caught him/or her screwing someone else as long as you caught them in the act. My Dad(I found this out through the family grapevine)caught his ex wife, (not my mom he was married and divorced before he met mom)fucking someone else in their bed. I believe part of the reason my Dad is the way he is, is because he won't let this go, what he did was eventually marry my mom and give her grief her entire life. My Dads infidelities were so frequent that he couldn't figure out why my mom wouldn't have sex with him.
Another good friend of mine came home early one day and found his wife screwing their mutual room mate. It messed him up to the point he needed serious psychiatric help.

Therefore, I fail to see anything positive over anyone cheating on their spouse or so, other than someone dipping their wick, and maybe getting a nut. No offense but that sounds one sided and selfish to me.

2. "Men need sex, it is in our genes..."
Although, I enjoy consentual sex  with single, unattached women as much as anyone else, I am here to dispell the myth that men need sex. Is sex fun? yes, is it a desirable form of recreation? absolutly. But is it a required life sustaining necessity along the same lines as oxygen, food, or water? No! I am living proof that no mature, reasonably healthy human being ever died from lack of sex. Before I go any further I want to make clear that I am an ordinary human being. I am NOT, incarcerated, nor am I a member of a religous organization that requires celibacy. I have gone through no choice of my own without sex(other than with myself occasionally)for in excess of sixteen(16) years. The reasons why are not relevant here but suffice it to say what I have stated is the truth. I am not bragging, merely proving a point. By the way before I go any further I should tell this to any providors reading this: Ladies, I am merely responding to some statements Endless has made. Lest you get the wrong idea, let me state here for the record I have no, I repeat, no hidden agenda by making the above statement I only want to dispell what I consider a myth.

3. "American Women are the worst about being annoyed..."
Sounds awfully chauvanistic to me. Incidentally, my mom is german. She has the "european" mentality which says that a man can have as many mistreses as he can afford, and the wife has to tolerate it. She went on to explain Men can stray, women can't. You know Endless the more I think about it the more you sound like my old man which is a shame.

4. Finally, you state that you probably have several half brothers you have never met. That sir is sad very sad.
Then in response to your suggestion that we "jack off" if my brother and I should ever meet. Normally, I can take a joke as well, if not better than anyone else. However, this was clearly intended to be scathing, therefore I will respond in the only way I know how...FUCK YOU!!!!  

However, and perhaps I am in denial here I fail to see how  telling my parents about my sexual picadillos (something which my Dad knows already, and my mother has always suspected)will resolve my problem. If anything its completely irrelavant.

However, I am open minded enough to be willing to hear of what use this could be.

In response to the secind half of your post. I didn't mention it in the interest of brevity, and more importantly I did'nt think it was relevant. However, the specific facts as told to me are as follows(to anyone who is concerned, don't worry my Dad will never find this site. He is a total technophobe who dispises the internet, and generally refuses to use it. the only concession he makes is to occasionally send  and receive email via my sisters email account)
My Dad met this gal who was a maid where he lived. According to my Mom she (the maid) purposely did not use birth control. However, I hold my Dad equally responsible. Don't get me wrong, I despise condoms as much as anyone else.but given the opportunity I 'm going to use them.

His paramour got herself knocked up and then told my Dad to divorce my Mother, and marry her, bringing her to the USA of course.

My Dad in his own imitablestyle told her "I am never getting married again, but if I did I wouldn't marry a Korean Women. Nice guy huh?
Bottom Line I hold them BOTH responsible accountable to my Mother, Me, and my Sister.