Well, I've been monogamous with my ATF for damn near two years now, which is longer than I've ever been monogamous with anyone else (and I've been married twice).  Of course, it's been a pretty one-sided monogamy, considering her occupation and the fact that she also has a boyfriend (but who's usually out of town).  Yeah, I know.  I have a wife too, but she'd be the last one to make a move on my willie, so my faithfulness to my ATF has stood untarnished.

Anyway, I'd been thinking about the fool's purgatory I put myself into (if you've seen my posts on the subject, you know what I'm talking about) for a quite awhile now.  The problem was always that I never wanted to give up hope that things would change for the better.  So I just continued on, miserable, but unwilling to let go.

While I still see her often, I stopped the regular sleep-overs a couple of months ago, and that seems to have changed the course of our relationship.  Now we're rapidly moving to a "just friends" situation which is probably for the best, but we're getting there much faster than I would like.  I guess we had become closer than she wanted, too.  

Well, if we're gonna be just friends now, I figured that I'd better start seeing other girls, if for no other reason than to try to break the spell I've been under all this time.  So I did.  I called up an incall massage ad in one of the local weeklies and had myself a nice rub-down with a "happy ending" (review coming).  Yes, I felt guilty as hell.  But a few days later I hooked up with the girl I was seeing regularly before I met my ATF, and had a wild ride with her.  Yes, I felt guilty after that, too.  But I also felt good, because for once I wasn't pining for my ATF.  

When you put all your eggs in one basket, like I did, that basket becomes a little too important.  So, I'm reluctantly starting to diversify.  The result has been that I don't spend every friggin' minute thinking about our relationship anymore and wishing things were better.  That by itself is an improvement.  It's like waking up from a dream, but I think I'm gonna be OK.

Funny thing is, while my ATF now claims she has no romantic feelings for me, she's still as jealous and possessive as if she were my wife, always trying to make sure I don't have "anything left" for someone else (so yes, it was tough squeezing in two other girls.  My dick's about ready to fall off).  She takes good care of my little head, but it's become very mechanical, like milking a cow (moo).  It's strictly to get me off, and if I tell her I'd rather not this time, she gets even more insistent.  

Sometimes I wonder what she really wants, but I'm not gonna wonder too much.  I'm also not going to worry myself to death anymore over whether or not I'm gonna lose her.  If she goes, she goes.  And good luck to her.  In the meantime, I'll enjoy her company and not expect too much.  Maybe "just friends" is for the best, but what we had before I'll never forget.

So I'm back, and I guess I'm gonna have to start paying for it again...