A professional could do this better...

but I'll try.  First of all, let go of the self directed anger.  Had their really been something you could have done it might be justified, but most suicides are not the result of external events but of of clinical depression, a malfunction of neurotransmitters in the brain.  She needed medical help, and probably medication.

We've all felt depressed, losing a job, losing a loved one.  This is normal.  What DEFINES clinical depression it chronically feeling this way when there's no cause for it in the outside world.

Like most such things we are not so much preprogrammed as prdisposed.  Some of us are more likely to cross the line under "the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune", so you are right in most of your list of things to be angry about.  But there was a pain deep inside her beyond the reach of ordinary friendship or even love.  Only timely medical intervention could have saved her.

Sorry if this is cold comfort now, but it's the way I understand these matters. Take what you can use and throw the rest away.

Please don't blame yourself...It's not your fault.

I had a friend in High School who committed suicide.  I knew that his stepfather would beat him.  I knew that his life was bad.  Another friend and I would go pick him up to hang out with  us in the evenings not only to take him away from his residence, but because we came to know him and appreciated his company.  He was an honest to God good guy!!  He quickly became our friend.

 I can't even begin to tell you how I felt when I got the news.  I used to blame myself, but now It's been 12 years, and I have realized that nothing I could have done would have prevented his suicide.

 I know your heart aches and the only thing I can hope is that you'll do everything to keep your friend in your heart and never forget the impact that she has had in your life.  I'm a very spiritual person and I believe in my situation, that it was God's way of saving Jake from his daily pain.  Perhaps your friend has been taken from this life for a reason...perhaps God has a greater plan for her in heaven.

God Bless you!!

--Kreyzy

Heythere! I am very sorry to hear that this happend to someone you knew.  I had a friend commit suicide when I was in highschool. He was a great person, with the potential to be a great basketball player.and one morning before school he hung himself at the basketball courts.

 It was a great surprise and shock because not one of his friends knew about the pain he carried inside.  He was always laughing, joking and smiling.

 He took his life anyway, and snatched himself from our lives..and it took a few years for me to forgive him.becuase I thought it just wasnt fair. He took his life, not anyone else, and not the world. HE did it..he didnt have to do it.

 Dont beat yourself up over it..you couldnt of done anything to stop it..I doubt if you had spoke with her that morning it would have changed anything.  She had her mind made up..just like my friend did. It is a huge waste...and he didnt just end his own life..he took with him a little bit of my happiness and a little bit of everyones happiness that loved him and cared about him.

 I have made peace with it..I hope he has, and I hope you will too..and her as well.

Sincerely, Sidney Starr

Oh BSD, I'm sorry to hear such tragic news

What a heartache. My sympathies go out to you, her and the others around her.
B

I can understand your pain and your anger. Anger at her, at the world and yourself is natural and its important that you feel it.  But, there is only one person responsible for her actions, her.  You are not responsible for the actions of another person, no matter how much you feel you could have done something.  It is doubtful even if you knew everything that was going on, that you could have stopped her.  Feel your pain, but do not take it onto yourself.

I'm so sorry that this has happened to you. It's so devastating.  I went through the same thing when a close relative committed suicide.  Same thing that you described, no notes.  There were clues only in hindsight.  He had a very effective suicide plan, broke a lunch engagement with his mother to do it.  The last person to see him alive was his brother, who he waved and smiled to from the car on the way to do it.  

You couldn't do anything, Bizzaro; you didn't know she was going to do it.  She didn't seek your help about it from what you've said.  Her response to your email shows that she didn't want to talk about it even at the last.  

She had a painful, fatal illness, and one that forced her with shame into hiding it.  If she chose a lonely, painful death, then she was very, very ill, and it was beyond you.  It was nothing you could talk out.  The only thing that might have saved her was some kind of detection and intervention-- which we don't have now.

Just from what you said, I admire her myself for having accomplished what she did while suffering with it, I assume untreated, and that she didn't try to self-medicate with drugs and alcohol.

A very noble soul, I believe.  Remember most what made you love her.  Remember her bravery, and what she accomplished with an illness that should have crippled her long before it killed her.  

Most of all, forgive her.  The disease that killed her was diabolical.

I have gone through the same thing. The only think I can say is that time will make everything better. I know its hard to hear now, but it will. It really makes you think about every person you care about in a different light. It makes you cherish them more. Sorry to hear about your loss. My condolences.

Re: help me understand....

BSD, I'm truly sorry for you about your friend.  And thank you for sharing your sorrow with us.  I wish more people could see the community that all of us here share.

What a truly sad commentary though, to be eulogized on an escort site.  But maybe if our cumulative comments here helps someone else it's not such a bad thing.

We do often miss the very subtle warning signs of suicide.  Professionals often overlook them too.  Hindsight won't change things but can make us aware of things for the future.

People who intend to commit suicide have usually contemplated it for quite some time.  They often make subtle, negative comments about their lives.  But the act itself is often done during a period of heightened depression, despondancy, or feeling of isolation that may only last a few minutes or hours.

If you are faced with a situation where you feel someone is seriously contemplating suicide, ask them if they can just "not do it today."

Maybe tomorrow, maybe next week, but just not today.  Ask, don't tell.  Ask why they feel they "have" to do it today instead of tomorrow?

Don't tell them they have "so much to live for" or some other condensending bs.  They don't have anything to live for, that's why they want to kill themselves.  YOU have to help them find an acceptable reason for living one more day.

But if you can keep someone from pulling the trigger for a few minutes or hours they will often  reconsider and look at options other then ending it all.

Anyway, I'm not a therapist, but being TS and in the biz, I've seen this too many time. I just wanted to put this out there.  Maybe it will help.

And BSD our thoughts are with you tonight.

Hugs,
TS Jamie

I totally understand how you feel.
I too had a friend who i lost this way and never understood why he could not ask for help from his friendsor anyone?!
I was angry too!
I agree with the previous posts. The fact is that there is very little you could have done to save her. People like that don't give out many signs of depression, they just do it and make sure its not reversable.
They don't want other people to feel sorry for them, in a way that makes them strong (but in a bad way).
I hope that you will be able to move on from being angry and just think of the good memories. That is the best you can do.

I've never encountered a more supportive online community than the men and women on TER. You know that there are a thousand hearts here feeling your loss and wishing you peace. I hope you have someone close to you that you can tell these same things that you've expressed here. Please don't keep it inside.

can't, as a former teacher, it was always the kids i would never suspect that would commit suicide....and had one pal that committed suicide from college and it was the same, gave him a ride home for xmas break, drank road beers, and next morning his mom called to break the news...hopes and best wishes for the future.

I will probably end up repeating what others have said already, but let me see if I can help you understand her actions from a clinical standpoint even if emotionally you still feel confused and hurt.

The first misnomer that people believe is that people who are contemplating suicide leave clues behind, that they talk about it, cry out for help.  That just isn't true.  People who have reached that point in the depression cycle that they plan suicide DON'T talk about it....they just DO it.  It leaves the survivors feeling confused wondering what they missed.  The truth is they didn't miss anything.  So, if you can, let yourself off the hook.  Even if you had spoken with her that morning, it would have changed nothing because she wouldn't have told you what she was planning.  I guarantee this wasn't done on a whim.  She had been thinking about it for a long time and had it planned out.  She just reached a point in her depression where she could carry out her plan.

The second widely believed myth is that it is an act of self-loathing.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  They are in so much emotional pain they can't imagine continuing.  What sort of person tortures themselves?  Life is torture for these people.  Death is a release from the torture.  They see it as an act of self-love.  Another common misconception is that it is the ultimate selfish act..to deprive others of their presence.  Is it selfish to want to end their suffering?  Most simply don't understand the depths of the emotional pain.

From her point of view death was a release from unbearable pain, much like the cancer patient who can no longer deal with the pain takes their own life.  Emotional pain can be just as brutal as physical pain.  By the time a person reaches this point they only thing they can feel is pain.  So while things may have been looking up in her life, she was incapable of feeling good.  I know that sounds a little strange, but it's true.  Depression reaches a point where the sufferer is unable to feel joy.  They are aware that their thinking is skewed, but it just doesn't matter.  The smallest thing that goes wrong just reinforces their sense of worthlessness and hoplessness, while anything that happens that is good feels like "so what"..it just doesn't matter.  Nothing matters because life will never get better.  Imagine living everyday with the sense that this is all there is, that things will never get better.  We all live with the hope that our circumstances will improve...we'll get a better job, make more money, find love, etc.  She was unable to feel that hope.  For her, life would never improve.  Human beings need hope to survive.  For her, even the things that used to bring her joy were now painful.  Everything was painful.  Everthing was hopeless.

As said before, the only treatment for this type of depression is anti-depressant medication.  There is absolutely nothing you could have done.  It's a paradox, but those that suffer from depression must seek help for themselves.  No one can help them without them asking for help.

I'm sorry that you are going through this.  I hope that soon you will emotionally come to terms with her actions.

I am truly sorry this happened . . .

It is never easy to lose a friend or family member. Remember, just because someone has a lot of things going for her, it doesn't mean she's happy. Most people are good actors when they are in public, and people who really want to end it will not give anyone any signs because they're not asking for help. They're done with life. It's so sad. All you can do is cherish her memories and not be mad at her.

Hugs,
ciara