Good Day Ladies and Gents - Samhain always puts me in a speculative mood, assisted often by a large snifter of Macallan 18 Gran Reserva. So, one of the fruit of last night's speculation on my part is a question for all: How do you, or how ought you, handle emotions when participating in our fine sport? I personally left most if not all of my capacity for emotion on a long ago battlefield. And it has been in my professional interest to do nothing to recover the capacity. But I have read enough posts by hobbyists, some experienced, some not, about "falling in love" with their favorite provider. And I have enjoyed many very interesting conversations with the ladies in the industry on this topic. So - gentlemen, how do you maintain perspective when you are regularly seeing a charming elegant lady whose concern it is to make you feel like you are the most important man in her world for the duration of your tryst, to desire to see her again and again? (I hope the ladies will not take exception to my characterization....) How do you participate in the fantasy yet keep your boundaries intact? Ladies, how do you monitor your behavior and also the signals sent by your clients in order to avoid unpleasantness, possessiveness, and even stalking on the part of men who may "fall" for you? I will tell you that in conducting personal relationships, I am up front with a lady civvy or professional - I let her know that I am totally averse to making or receiving commitments, that I believe that the material universe is in a state of flux, that there is no use in trying to preserve the moment - that it is only here to be enjoyed in the now; that I believe in taking life for what it is today and not expecting anything from it on the morrow. In my personal life, I've enjoyed many short term relationships (this is how it works in a military profession) but I've not left a broken heart behind since my two year marriage 31 years ago. Anyone wish to weigh in on this topic, or is it a bit too personal?
Studies show men are very good at compartmentalizing emotion (we'll leave aside the question of emotional capacity being left behind on the battlefield). As I have grown older (and I'm not that old mind you) I have pretty much come to the same place you are - averse to making or receiving commitments, for the very simple reason that in my experience, every commitment I have ever seen has led to people becoming something they're not - behaviors either appear or disappear that are not natural to the person, expectations arise that cannot be fulfilled, drama overtakes the relationship and it's at that point my "efficiency circuit" for lack of a better word says hey, this is WAY more effort than it is worth.
I am probably the quintessential example of the question you're asking - a provider just the other day noted, with some insight, that I am one of those men who require an emotional connection to "do the deed" so to speak. And she's right. So how do I reconcile that fact with my very conscious choice to maintain the boundaries of which you speak...
Well, compartmentalizing is one facet. It's taken some doing but I have learned to let myself go in the moment and then put it all away later - usually the inevitable good night's sleep after seeing a provider helps right the emotional balance, and the impulse to pursue is eliminated. (Side note, I very rarely sleep well and recently that has become reason enough to see a provider.. sigh).
But, I don't want to make it sound easy. As much as I have become exasperated with the idea of relationships, the impulse for companionship remains, and I have to consciously remind myself after each date that THAT is not the place I should be looking for it.
In some sense, visiting providers makes that easier in my normal life, because when I'm not thinking with my little head because I know where I can get that, I am free to focus more on what I like about the women I meet and figure out why I like it.
Funny you mention you believe in taking life for what it is today and not expecting anything from it for tomorrow.. I've learned to have much the same outlook. The world is simply too variable a place to get so stuck on a single vision of it that you imprison your own mind with your expectations. And that's probably become the biggest turn off to me in any personal relationship - people who have over-developed expectations, I usually stop talking to. Not really on purpose, and it seems a little cruel and maybe it is, but I am too tired, just too tired to deal with it anymore.. I cannot be responsible for making other people happy.
No gentleman calls an escort looking for love. He's looking for an escape from reality for a short time and then back to his living, breathing complicated life.Even the single gentlemen you see are looking for convience not a relationship.
I have many friends that I have been seeing for a long time. I listen to their wants and needs and try my best to give them exactly that...I have feelings for many but never get too involved. I am a respite stop not a permanent destination.
I listen and give comfort to those who need it. I will be very honest if any question is asked of me about a certain relationship problem. I'm not here to break up a marriage nor would I ever consider such.
I for one have learned through trial and error that dating or being in a relationship and being an escort don't work for me..This is my chosen lifestyle and my gentlemen friends are very special to me.
a better way to articulate my emotional state is to say that once upon a time, I learned to compartmentalize in order to survive. My current professional life continues to place a high value on this capacity. And in my personal life, I've seen o reason to change. If I'm honest, I know the emotions haven't gone away, I'm just content to leave them in a deep dark closet somewhere. Works for me.
"I cannot be responsible for making other people happy" - on the face of it, many may object to this statement - but you are entirely correct. We "learn" otherwise from our families usually. But in the end, everyone needs to take responsibility for their own happiness. To do otherwise leads to distortion in relationships (as you have noted), inauthenticity, and garbage in general. It is only be living on this principle that there may be true understanding and compassion between people.
An excellent perspective - you have the advantage of maturity and self knowledge - some ladies do not, and tend, in my experience, to do things that I would consider to be emotionally manipulative. Even though I am largely impervious to this, once I see it, I'm gone baby gone.
I see the "hobby" the same way you do - I like my relationships a few hours at a time, with no baggage or anything left to clean up at the end of the day.
And I find that a great deal of genuine closeness is possible if one keeps perspective
It is what it is....a fantasy...but one i like to carry around in my head!..It helps keep that smile on my face,that i normally have anyway.... Sure i wish the fantasy would come true,maybe it will someday(having one of these ladies all to myself,that is)...but i don't lose sleep over it.
Excellent question. I agree it's about compartments. I also think that life is way too short to not enjoy every moment you can. For me, if I see someone on a fairly regular basis, emotions develop. It's how I am wired. I can't be intimate with someone and not develop feelings. As someone else stated, I enjoy the moment, get lost in the feelings and store them away at the end for the next time. That may not be the "typical" reaction of a provider, but it is me. I've never had a problem with a date becoming possessive or "stalkerish". Several have developed feelings, but I think are on the same page as I am. We enjoy the moments we have, storing them for quiet times to reflect and remember until we are together again. If someone seems to be getting "too involved", I remind them that this is a fantasy world. We have no stress, no pressure, no outside demands. We can simply "be". What a great place to visit.
We all our our takes on this form of pleasure we all partake in. For me, i have a serious relationship i've been in for the past 3 years and when i decided to do this, i sat down and talked very intently to him about my reasons for doing this, if i did not have his full support in my decision i wouldn't have taken the dive so to speak. I Provide for pleasure, mine and also the gentlemen that choose me, yes the donation is a wonderful thing and allows me the pleasures i normally couldn't afford myself,but i do this because i truly love it and totally enjoy every experience i have, and i put on a completely different "hat" when i get ready for one of my dates, and even though i put my real life on hold for how ever long my company is requested, i still go into the meeting being completely honest and completely myself, although the "hat" i speak of is a frame of mind, my personality has and will always stay the same thru out the time spent. I must admit that on one or two occasions even though i do have a man i'm truly in love with in my personal life, there have been a time or two that i would have loved to have gotten to know someone a bit better, but i put the brakes on if that thought does come into my head very very quickly. I have made great "friends" with a few gentlemen that i trust completely and who have put their trust in me as well, where the encounter has turned into a true friendship, and i never mix the two if their desire is to see me on that "other" level. Sometimes we must tread lightly as not to put ourselves in a position that would hurt either party. Just my thoughts on a very interesting topic posted. Jay
My ATF and I share a lot about each other and we genuinely care about each other as well. That being said, we are from two different worlds. Those worlds come together for a few hours a couple of times a month and we both enjoy every aspect of the interaction. When we are not together we do keep in touch by email, texting or the occasional phone call but we do not impose unfair demands on each others time.
I would have to say that developing a true friendship with a provider has to do with how much BOTH parties are willing to put into it and with BOTH parties being on the same page about expectations.
When you read posts on TER from guys who are "in love with their ATF's" it is often a one way street that is heading towards a dead end. I feel sorry for these guys as it IS very easy to develop strong affection for a woman who can make you feel like a king for a few hours at a time.
Unfortunately I think there is a bit of a "live and learn" aspect to figuring out how to share your emotions without getting hurt. Sometimes you have to get hurt once or twice before you figure out what works, how much you can give without giving too much, and how important it is to make sure that both of you are on the same page.
Intelligence has to be (for me at least) the biggest turn on, and this Post and such intelligent responses shows you for the most part what a very smart group of people we are both Provider and Hobbyist! and i don't know about any of you, but i'm wet just having this conversation!! (lol) Jay
The worse part of the business: The emotional ties to clients.... over the years, I have been in situations where the reality of exactly what a providers position is in a gentleman's life is very VERY painful- In everyday events.... it doesn't seem to be much of a challenge any more. I just always think first and foremost of protecting the guys family, his livelihood and his privacy. Many times this means closely monitoring a guys behavior and making sure I bring to his attention anything he might be doing that would compromise our relationship. This is just part of the responsibility I feel to "head off" any complications that our relationship might have to his life.
A few other providers have also experienced this pain as I am aware of a few who have lived through such times. This is usually when providers turn to each other for strength. The worse is (*of course*) when a client passes away unexpected- If we are made aware of it early on... then the whole "non-attending" of the funeral and restraining your emotions to just remain silent can just be torture.
Then, there are the times when a client is emotionally hurting and there is nothing we can do as a provider: Like a client who lost his beloved niece at Virgina Tech- or a client whose son was diagnosed with a terminal condition and he was only in his first years of college- These are the type of human events that test a providers strength to it's max. It is further intensified when a provider has to sit by idly while you have a dear and close friend emotionally in pain. This is when good sense and a logical mind dictates that all you can do is sit and wait for him to contact you- (*when he has the time & opportunity*) If he participates in community discussion boards posting anonymous messages can help both the guy & the provider- on a few occasions this avenue has been priceless as a client is just unable to communicate out of fear your relationship will be made public.
There always seems to be a client of someones somewhere (*among established providers who communicate with each other) that is being challenged by an emotional event, This is when it is invaluable to have other providers you communicate with to lend support. It helps to have it re-enforced to the provider, that as a friend to the client, to help or to get involved would just make the situation worse. These are the situations that providers have to muster the strength to over come and with experience gain the insight and the knowledge to justify to themselves staying completely out of the picture. With time & experience it does get easier but it is never a delight- In my opinion, the emotional attachment is by far the most challenging aspect of the biz to me.
-I also lost a truly dear friend just recently- he was under 35 and worked as a Private Military contractor.... he died in his line of work and I am confident he was in the process of doing what he loved when he was killed- but it still didn't make it any easier to refrain from attending his funeral- So this topic is very much in my thoughts right now. While this guy wasn't a client.... he did serve as part of my protective team when I traveled on many occasions. His knowledge of my business made our relationship have a need of anonymity. It's been almost 11 years since I experienced my first loss of a biz related "friend" and it is still as difficult now as it was then. The decision to not get involved is easier to understand, but emotionally it is no easier than it was so many years ago. Only wisdom and experience help me remain focused and show this guy the respect he had believed in me- otherwise I would have been there to say my last good bye. I believe part of it is the strength of communicating with other providers that helps me understand the need to "stay clear"- Perhaps it's the same with hobbyists but I do know that just sharing emotions with another woman who can relate has really helped me. Several years ago I would have been torn and challenged to remain silent, at least now that isn't an option I even consider. However, as I have said the emotional pain is no less than it was then.
Hopefully those involved can find a resolution that not only works for them but also protects their private life as well. A great post- Thanks for opening the subject for discussion. kisses ~T
about what to do when I die - there are a couple of ladies that I have grown very close to & I would hate for them to think that I got tired of them & had just moved on without saying goodbye. I think I'm going to give an envelope to a friend I can trust with their email addresses for them to be notified when I die.
Great Question. I think compartmentalization is easier said than done, at least for me.
The reason is that I have always been somewhat of a hopeless romantic. Not that I'm looking for love on these boards -- I'm not. Its just that what we do in the hobby involves the most intensely intimate act that can exist between a a man and a woman. I'm not very good at being intimate without also caring very much about the person that I am being intimate with -- as a person.
Somehow, I have been able to maintain the distance needed to make the hobby work without losing the great benefits of closeness, connections and intimacy with a favorite lady. Not sure how, but it has worked for me to date.
of this community and of all of you who have answered my post so thoughtfully and openly. I did not know what to expect when I posted the question. I have seen tough things happen to both hobbyists and providers due to emotional entanglements. So I thought it a worthy topic. Thank you all for sharing. What class!
Tori - I did not mean my post to open any wounds or touch upon anything too raw. But thank you again for your response. I'd like to ask you a question - if you would prefer not to answer I would completely understand.
So:
if you had a client who had a serious condition which was possibly life threatening in the near term, would you want to know about it?
I would definitly want to know if there was a serious life threatening illness, because i'm a part of his life, especially if i was seen by him a number of times, or we did become friends, my "place" in his life might not be to the right of the dining table at Thanksgiving but i'm still there none the less, and if there was anything i could do to help to take him mentally "away" from the problem at hand, even by the smallest gesture of laying in my arms, or eating some of my lasagna with good conversation, YES YES i would want to know about it! Being an Operating Room nurse affords me many openings that maybe a "cilvilian" couldn't have, and if in THAT way i could be of help of course i would want to know! Jay
While it may come off selfish and very cold- I would not want a regular client to advise me in advance if he had a deteriorating condition. It might sound cold and calculating but without my knowledge of what was happening, I would have no preconceived notions of what to expect- this would be the easiest way to keep our time together fun and care free.
I just prefer to think of the time a gentleman spends with me as a break from his routine.... now the answer and story would completely change if there was something I could do to help him adjust better or if he chose to change our relationship into something more aligned with being a therapist and just helping him cope- .....-BUT-.... unless I could help in a positive way with the challenge he was having then no I would prefer not to know- Then our time together won't have a dark shadow of dread cast over it-
I'm sure each situation would have to be evaluated on it's own merit but as a general rule, No I would not want to know...-unless- I could help him in some way by knowing ....or, if it threatened my health.
As I had previously posted hands down the worse part of the job- the emotional side. I like to "leave it at the door" in regards to emotions, but sometimes that just isn't possible- Most of the incidents involve not the client himself but something that is happening with a close family member that causes him pain. Usually the behavior demonstrated by a provider during stressful times is what is remembered and what is valued by regular clients who depend on her judgment in protecting him. I personally think maintaining a gentleman's integrity is just as important as the fun that happens behind the bedroom door. Different providers have different values- I just know what works best for me. ~T
(*Below is a post of one such event- as you can tell the discussion board helped as I was completely isolated from the client but knew very well of his pain*)
and a well thought out and completely compassionate point of view. I hope I have not made you uncomfortable with the question. Though I have stated this as a hypothetical question, it is not about trivia.
I am feeling particularly maudlin tonight, not in a bad way, but have had some experiences today which.. cast light.. on issues which have long hounded me.
So your post - this post, thanking the level of discourse - reminded me of this.....
Some work of noble note, may yet be done, Not unbecoming men that strove with Gods. The lights begin to twinkle from the rocks: The long day wanes: the slow moon climbs: the deep Moans round with many voices. Come, my friends, 'Tis not too late to seek a newer world. Push off, and sitting well in order smite The sounding furrows; for my purpose holds To sail beyond the sunset, and the baths Of all the western stars, until I die. It may be that the gulfs will wash us down: It may be we shall touch the Happy Isles, And see the great Achilles, whom we knew. Though much is taken, much abides; and though We are not now that strength which in old days Moved earth and heaven; that which we are, we are; One equal temper of heroic hearts, Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.
I am not sure why. Tennyson's Ulysses is about men living in greatness as though they walked with gods, despite the absence of such gods, and because they strive to be such men.
The quality of response you received here is in proportion to the quality of the question asked and the man who asked it. I bow to you sir.
it is unclear what is meant by "handling" emotions.
for me, handling emotions by suppression is simply too severe to be healthy. i am not otherwise attached so there is no domestic life to protect.
i think that much of the difference in 'performance' is due to the capacity to engage emotions. emotions, whether pleasurable or painful, are just another source of information. like the physical sensations of pleasure or pain, anesthetizing may not be healthy. less information is never better.
so i prefer to give my emotions free rein. as long as i am free to choose what to do with them, there is no harm. if that freedom should be diminished, then and only then, is a sterner approach to be considered.
There are many ladies in this business who get jeolous of a gentleman seeing another lady. I think it primarily reflects upon her income.
Personally, I think it's pointless for any woman to get jeolous in this business. After all, you gentlemen are not our boyfriends. Now, on the other hand (and trying to be objective), by giving a real GFE experience some do get caught up in the moments they share with someone, and -- I guess -- think that the gentlemen favor them, so I could see some hurt feelings if there was a real connection there between two people and the lady is not realistic about the business.
I know it is hard to lose a regular to someone else, but -- again -- that is part of the business. I'm happy to give references to another lady. I want to see that she is safe, and it actually makes me feel good to send business to someone and know that she can go buy groceries for her kids.
my business holds a certain level of risk, and I would hate for my favorite ladies to think I had "moved on". I appreciate this idea... cheers - Greogry
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