I just read through 3 different posts from guys who are looking for answers to "social anxiety".  Having problems with being put in the "friend zone".  Problems approaching or conversing with women, etc.  

As short as I can make it, here's my story:

Never was good with women.  Not a bad looking guy, and many say I'm fairly good looking.  Like others, I didn't believe it.  Still don't really, but I know I've got enough going for me that I'm confident now.

Now, I did have some limited success in relationships, though it was pretty sporadic, and I always had a very real social awkwardness around the opposite sex.  But I did well enough to marry and have a child.  An extremely bitter divorce and child custody battle years later left me devastated.  I hurt, badly, for well over a year until I got my son back.  During that time, I found that while people sympathized with my plight, they got tired of hearing about it.  Their world kept going, mine was stopped.  The old saying "the world didn't stop for my broken heart".  It sure as hell didn't.  As a result, I retreated deep within myself and became more or less a social recluse.

Years later, having done well for my kid, I still had a now hyper-extreme social anxiety with women.  Both from the hurt that had been heaped upon me by one particularly vicious and vindictive one, and as a result of closing myself off, I'd lost all ability and skill (what limited skill I did have) with dealing with the opposite sex.  This went on for longer than I care to mention.  Over a decade if that clues you in.  Got so bad I would purposely slow up to avoid getting in an elevator alone with a woman.

Through this I still had a very healthy desire for a relationship and sex, but never pursued it.  At one point however, after over 10 years alone, I decided it was time to "get back on the horse", and took the baby step of looking for my first provider.

I scoured TER reviews, not looking for a serious hottie, but someone with a lot of reviews, near the age I was when I quit dating, and who was described as a great communicator.  Easy to talk to, and very relaxed is what I was looking for.  After much searching, I found her, and while not a great body due to having kids (which I now, coincidentally, I can't take my eyes off of her when she's naked!), she had a great smile, beautiful and friendly face.  We set up our first appointment.  A near disaster I was so nervous.  Kept with it, because, yes, she was incredibly easygoing and easy to talk to.  Made another appointment.  And another.  And yet another.  Never less than 3 hours, and many, many overnites and even a weekend or two.  Battled through the social anxiety, as well as a bout of performance anxiety early on (anxiety induced ED).  

The one thing I did that really helped, is I was very open with her, as hard as it was, about my "issues".  I figured she seemed willing to accomodate, and if she were to know what to do, she needed to know why I was having social and performance anxiety if she were to help at best, or at worst, not see me as a freak!  Help she did.  I treated her right (respectfully and friendly, not through gifts), and she went the extra mile and worked expertly through my issues with me.

Well, almost 2 years later.  We are friends beyond all reason of what you'd expect to come of something like this.  Won't even go into that.  But, I'm dating like a mad man now, and am not afraid to approach virtually any woman who catches my eye, grab her hand and lead her to the dance floor,  start a conversation, or ask for a date.  I can hold a conversation, be funny, and don't have to rely on "rehearsing" the conversation before the date (how many of us have put ourselves through that stress)!  Natural pauses in conversation are no longer panic inducing "awkward pauses" where I frantically search for something, anything to say!

This may not be the right way for everyone, but it worked for me.   No regrets, and was absolutely the best thing I ever did for myself.  If you're reading this hon, you knew paragraphs ago this was me, and thanks again, a million times pal!

Guys, the way through it is to be honest with someone about it.  If they won't "deal with it" with you, there will be someone out there who is more than willing to.  Be it a therapist, a friend, or provider, find them, and you'll be so much better off for it.  

Good Luck, open up to someone, and get on with your life!  My god, the years I wasted....

We have similar stories...Never was good with women either, Not bad looking, many told me so as well. didn't believe them, Still don't really, lol.

But I used the hobby to break out of my shell and I used the hobby as a way to get to talk to women and be comfortable around them. Once I gained that confidence, I was able to use it outside of the hobby and that led to relationships, and eventually marriage and now I have a child as well and unfortunately now I am going through a divorce as well.
Its becoming bitter as well and I am having the battle of child custody and I am hurt and going through some terrible times because I can't see my child.

But I know in the end things will be better. They can only get better I believe. I have faith that things will go my way and one day soon I can be somewhat "normal" again.

I have used the hobby again as a part of my social outing to regain that confidence I lost and to help me get through this mess. I'm just starting again though and I'm looking to the future as I think this will be a big help to me.

Hopefully, I can make new friends, like you have done, and I can get to that same place again.

getting tossed from one yard to another.

But I think this forum is absolutely the right place for his success story and I'm glad he decided to share it with us.

Providers can sometimes be incredibly effective as therapist with their knowledge of human interaction and their objectivity.

Conventional therapists can also work, and a combination of the two may be the best of all possible worlds.  (Incidently, that's what I did.)

You rock Bobbik.

-- Modified on 9/25/2010 5:02:00 PM

to answer the phone. I didn't want anyone to know it was me. I wanted to hide under the covers and spent all my free time with my nose in a book. I grew up, and learned to cope with social anxiety, to some degree. On the opposite side of the fence, I can say that being a provider has helped me just as much as your lady friend helped you. I am so happy for you, and glad that you were able to become a happy confident man. Sometimes, all we need is to know that there is at least one person who cares. Like you, I was lucky, I've had several people who cared over the last four years. I wish more men would understand that it isn't always just about the money and making a living. Many of us see men as loving smiling human beings, not annoying things that pay the bills for us. Thanks for sharing so much of your inner self with us!

Hmm, I thought I put this over in LG's forum.  

Mods, please feel free to move it there,  as that is where the posts I was referencing were at.

I'm betting that the LG moved it here.