I've been hobbying for 25 years. Never married.  Healthy. Intelligent. Reasonably attractive. I've been employing TER usefully for several years for almost all my 'vanilla' experiences, using other boards to guide me safely through the other kinks that two decades of debauchery lead one to desire.  The hobbying itself is not a problem. I manage my money, have more than I need and have a pretty good feel for the provider from the get-go whether we're going to hit it off. My success rate for enjoyable hobbying experiences is probably 90% -- with TER assistance I'ver never come away with less than a 7/7 (I'm a tough rater.. I believe in the one 10 at a time rule.). The problem is the time I devote to this pursuit, and I don't mean the few hours a week of scheduling and visiting. It's the research and rehearsal!
Over the years I have transmogrified my pornography obsession into a hobbying obsession. I have detailed descriptions of every provider I have ever found of interest either online or through newspaper ads. I constantly update my 'favorite' list. I rearrange and re-prioritize on almost a daily basis. I have 5 email addresses to maintain -- which I check first thing in the morning, again mid-day and again at night. The evening, post-work online session usually also include a couple hours of browsing to see what's new, who's new, sending and replying to scheduling emails -- I've always got communication going with at least several providers to work out all the details and help guarantee a great session (this serves two purposes -- the thrill of communicating with a hot woman I know I'm going to nail repeatedly allows pleasure iin the anticipation and when we meet the familiarity allows an immediate comfort level stimulating the sensuality of the experience), searching yahoo sites for any hot new pix to stir my juices, etc. And when I'm not working -- and since I freelance that is as much as three months a year -- it has become not uncommon for me to spend better than 8 HOURS A DAY online in various forms of this pursuit. Writing the perfect email. Searching for the perfect woman. Downloading the hottest pictures (I must have 3000 by now and what I'll do with them, I don't know, since I only want to see the NEW pictures I haven't seen before.)  I'm writing because I'm having a version of a 'midlife crisis'. I woke up this morning feeling like a lyric from pink floyd. Then I hop online to continue missing the race. My obsession with finding the 'perfect woman' has been a major reason for my series of failed relationships -- I can't resist believing that just around the corner is the sexual partner of my dreams. Perfect body. Insatiable lust. And eyes only for me. So I go from obsession to obsession --  the latest most beautiful provider in my life is all I want until I either drive her away with my premature professions of love for her ("Love me? You don't even know me? You just love my ass!")  or I run away myself when I stumble upon another, even "more perfect" Goddess to worship.  

Sorry for venting like this, but am alone in this dilemma? I already went to a therapist. Two of them. Their advice. "Just quit. Cold turkey." Impossible. They don't get it. Without these women to adore I can't find any meaning at all in the work-a-day world. No kids, no family -- perhaps this obsession has already destroyed that outlet. But even my art -- that which I do for love and money -- even that now suffers as I'd rather spend time searching for my Goddess than working on my stories. Is there some secret I'm missing? Is my Goddess reading this? SEE! Even here I can't escape it. If this sounds like a joke, trust me it isn't. Some few of you out there know just how true this can be. If you've read this far, it might apply to you more than you yet realize. It's only funny because it's absurd. It's absurd because it's so f-ing serious that if we don't laugh at it, we'd cry ourselves to solitary sleep each night. Responses, advice, flames, I don't care. Even the stupidly obsessed soul that I am realizes that. Pretty desperate am I to post this on a 'general discussion' hobbying board. But 40 hours a week, for 20 years is not healthy.  I almost posted  on the new "safe sex" board, maybe I should have....
Re-reading this confession i realize I'm going to have to use an alias. I'll p.m. any serious conversants.

I do not feel this is a joke, or maybe I am just to sensitive to others pain. I think that what you are looking for is yourself and the greatest love of all.......you will not find out in the world, it is in your own heart. I am a woman of faith and yet I do not preach or try to convince others to belive what I do or that my way is the only way. I do think however that the emptyness you are trying to fill will never be filled by a woman it is called "faith". In who? In what? this journey is an individual one.
What you wrote gave me the impression that you feel that you are alone........and when we have faith we realize that it is not so.
I heard this somewhere and I can not remember where:
We do not fall in love with anyone.......we love those that make us feel that being ourselves is o.k., we love the way being in this persons company makes us feel because they accept us as we are the real you. For this to happen first we must love ourselves and be o.k. with the silence.......
Thank you for sharing and trusting this board with the  true intimacy of your feelings.
Kisses & Licks........
Mara of San Diego

without bringing up the addict thing...

Your problem is your personality.  You are prone to addictive behavior.  If your current addiction was not hobbying, it would be something else.  If you kicked this hobbying habit, you would develop another one (unless you recognized your own behavioral tendencies).  I sympathize with the amount of time you are wasting, but I cannot empathize with your situation as it isn't within my genetic makeup (but I have experience with this behavior).

One of my post-college roomates was a coke addict (NOT the soft drink).  I didn't even know he used the stuff, much less abused it until it was way too late (hiding it is a sure sign of a problem).  I kicked him out, sent him home to family and let them know of the situation (I'm sure they new he had a problem before coming to the "big city" to room with me).  This guy went through a couple programs to get off drugs, and guess what he became?  A minister.  He threw himself into "Christ's crusade" to help young people avoid the perils of drugs and all things unworthy of the Lord.  A turbo-charged, on-steriods type Jesus freak.  My point here is that while he kicked his drug addiction, nobody helped him address the underlying behavioral makeup that was the root of his problems.  

My advice to you is to somehow understand your behavioral makeup - it's one of the distinct abilities that separates humans from animals.  That's a huge first step.  Then go someplace remote, like a beach in the middle of the Pacific, or somewhere in the BVI, or to the Northwest Territories in Canada, may be Mexico or South America - no phones, no news, no big city B.S.  Hang out, (don't take a lot of money, in fact take very little) surf, or hike, or sail or fish or hunt.  It would help you if you were required to function as part of a group - you seem to be a loner without a lot of responsibility to others.

Good Luck

Maybe you are looking for the wrong kind of women. She may be right under your nose and you don't even know it.

Stop looking so hard for the perfect fit, try something or someone different. You may enjoy it more then you know.

Try to enjoy the beauty inside not just on the outside.

And remember we're all addicts to something, so your not alone.

Enjoy what life has to offer.

Best of luck.

Sweet Hugs,

Tammy

-- Modified on 5/9/2003 7:10:21 PM

You are not alone.  An estimated 6% - 20% of adult males (and 1% - 3% of adult women) suffer from sexual addiction.  The idea of 'just quitting. cold turkey' is absurd.  If your behavior has gone past 'reasonable' and/or you feel like it controls you more than you control it you need to talk to some people who understand sexual addictions.

Some resources:

Read Patrick Carne's 'Out of the Shadows'

http://www.sarr.org/
http://www.rsaministries.org/
http://www.sexualcontrol.com/
http://www.sexaddictionhelp.com/index.html
http://www.understandingsexualaddiction.org/

Contact SA Sexaholics Anon), SAA (Sex Addicts Anon), or SLA/SLAA (Sex & Love Addicts Anon).

There's also a newsgroup something like alt.sex.addiction.moderated or similar you may want to check out.

Good Luck

You absolutely need a therapist that specializes in addictions, particularly sex addiction.  Try various ones out until you find one you feel comfortable with.
JustTryingHarder:  Perfect advice!  I second you!

Good luck!

For myself I have an internet addiction I am addicted to cyber space it fills me up spackle for my lack of relationships the wholes where relationships are supposed  to be.  Sometimes we use what we think is the problem to cover up the another behavior that is the real affliction.

This way we  don't have to deal with it.  All this does is alllows us to absolve ourselve's of responsiblity for our action because we didn't know,...so how could we fix it?  (Not my fault)

Example I think( I know) I have an internet addiction because I have spent up to 14 hours in a single stretch on the internet.

Sometimes I convince myself that I am only going to answer email and shut off the computer for the evening.

 14 hours later I have to leave for school with no sleep and guess what I forgot to check my email.. !!!???

The craziest part about this is I am not even looking at porn!!!!!  Then I would never leave the apartment.

 The real problem however is the why, I am surfing all the time.It is because it's easier and less painfull than having to fill up my life with meaningful relationships, which is the real pproblem.

 As a provider I don't feel comfortable trying to have a S/O.  In personal affairs I need monogamy and I want it in return how can I expect something I can't freely give?  

They say accepting that you have a problem is 90% of the battle I say bullshit 90 % of the battle is in doing something to fix the situation.  No rivers in Egypt here.

Addictive behavior is the way some of us (myself included) choose to distract ourselves rather than deal with our problems, because we either don't know how to fix them, don't think they can be fixed, or fixing them would be too painful or difficult.

She's also right about 90% of the battle being doing something about it.  Think of all the psychotherapy patients who accept they have a problem, but still keep going for therapy year after year.  How has accepting their problem helped them?

So what are you going to do?  No one seems to think much of going cold turkey, unless I missed a post, but how do you give up an addiction slowly?  "One drink is too many and a thousand aren't enough."  Same logic applies to other addictions too.

If I may interject a dysfunctional solution, try substituting a safer addiction for the one that's causing you such turmoil.  Cut yourself off from providers (sorry, ladies) and allow yourself unlimited porn, for example.  Whacking off sure cools the ardor and allows you to think with your "big head."  Beats saltpeter.  But don't stop there.  Some goal-oriented therapy might also be useful, if used cautiously.  Just try not to pick a therapist who looks like Tony Soprano's shrink.

"PC, why don't you take your own advice and deal with your own sex and Internet addiction?"

Because I'm a fucking hypocrite, that's why.  Just ask anyone.  Doesn't mean my advice is bogus, though.  Good luck to all my fellow addicts out there.

a book called MEN WHO CAN'T LOVE by Julia Carter and Stephen Sokol.  Men who are on that eternal quest for the perfect women are commitmentphobic usually.  Go get it.
In fact, if we could get all the providers to read this life would be easier for them too.  It really helps you understand a certain type of man.
Hope this helps!

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for your not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness or maybe a death in your immediate family, but that's it. No other excuses whatsoever! "
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What  would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering and when silence is finally restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

Just like attending NA-anon more than a decade ago, I am sharing my experience here.

Ever since my teenage years, I have noticed that I have an addictive personality.  I have been participated in this hobby since the late 80s.  When I first discovered TER, I spent hours doing VIP Search and narrowing down my choices for the coming days.  At one time when my work slowed down and I had plenty of time to hobby, I went in binges of seeing ladies almost everyday.  After a few weeks of doing so, I realized the danger and went cold turkey for a couple of months.

During that time, I discovered TER boards.  I channeled my sexual addiction into reading articles and reviews in TER.  I spent hours everyday participating in chat room and posting responses.  Even after I began once again see ladies sparingly, I didn’t stop my TER habit.

Work, friends and family eventually intervened.  There is simply not enough time in the day to do everything I wanted.  Doing simple things in life such as walking my friends’ dogs and spending time with my goddaughter are becoming more satisfying than spending hours finding the hottest looking ladies on the net.  During one of my trips to SF to see friends of mine, I stopped checking TER for a few weeks and it helped to reduce the lure.  I no longer paid visits to the chat room.  After someone pointed out the excessive postings I had in TER boards, I became conscious of my messages and tried hard to limit the urge to have a say in many threads.  (Being twice moderated for a fair amount of time also helped greatly.  Thanks, GND )

Because of my work, I use computers all day.  TER has become one of those daily habits of checking news and sports articles in the web (20 – 40 minutes of checking new reviews and articles).  Nowadays, the only time-consuming things I do relating to TER are responses to a few articles and ISOs.  (I spent a couple hours or so doing weekly / bi-weekly agency ads archiving in major ad malls for future identification of B&S and ROBs).

For a while, I have a goal of seeing most of the top rated ladies.  Once I realized that other reviewers’ tastes are somewhat different from mine and this had become an obsession instead of something I love to do in itself, I stopped myself cold.  I no longer use VIP Search to screen for ladies I want to see.  I only check new reviews of LA ladies and a few visiting ads in TER for candidates.  (This cuts down the time drastically)  Even when I noticed some hot ladies advertising in one of those ad malls during the archiving, I only filed those names and faces in memory instead of spending all the time checking their credentials.  ( I guess, after all, I haven’t crossed the line and become a sex addict. )

In the past, I often felt that the people around me had better things and met more beautiful women.  I believe that those are the fuel of my time honored obsession with this hobby.  Once I realized my addiction had become the roadblock to have more free time to enjoy life (including beautiful ladies), I backed off.

The satisfaction of identifying B&Ss / ROBs while helping fellow members still drive me.  Hence my many messages in LA boards these days.  Other than that, I think I am doing fine in managing this hobby.

JMHO, JackCrack is right on with his advice.

Good luck.

--- GC

Reealing with addictions

We don't want to give up our addictions, that's why we balk at cold turkey.  I'm not one of those who say it won't work.  I'm one of those who's afraid it will.  

I have a decent job and my wife works too.  Together we save some money, and what's left over we spend on our addictions.  Hers is jewelry, lapidary and playing computer games.  Mine is, well, you know what mine is.  I'd have a lot more money if I didn't Hobby.  A LOT more.  But I really enjoy it, even when it goes sour from time to time.  I have memories that will stay with me all my life, and I'm not just talking BBBJTC's and mutiple postions.  I've met some interesting, wonderful, crude, scary, amazing and admirable people while doing this over the past 26 years.  I've been to some interesting places and got involved in things I never would have imagined in the "straight" world.  I could write a book about it.  Hmmm.  There's an idea.

If I give it up, what am I going to do?  My life is pretty boring without Hobbying.  Go to work.  Come home.  Sure, my wife's a cool person and I like being with her, but I need some excitement, and there ain't none of that in our house.  Quitting my job and joining the French Foreign Legion is not an option for an old fart like me (a handsome old fart of 49) with a mortgage and responsibilities.  That means going on "safe" vacations and not taking risks that will screw up what we have.

"Hey, PC.  Isn't Hobbying risky?"

Sure it is.  I told you I'm a hypocrite.  We all have to find a way to get what we need, even if we can't face it in our "normal" lives.

Nicole, your advice is good advice, but I suspect few here are willing to take it.  I certainly won't.  No one has a perfect life, so we patch ours up the best we can and sometimes we don't do a good job of it.  Those of us who Hobby seriously are going to do it anyway, with whomever is available.  Some of us are never going to work out our problems, even if we know how.  It's better for us to visit someone like you than a ROB or a skank.  We appreciate the "nice" providers more than you might realize.

ah, the Humbert Humbert of the hobbyist world.

"I've always depended on the kindness of strangers".

JTH -- I've already gone to a site on your list through which I  am examing further therapeutic alternatives.INOH, Sasha, Spec, et al --well-said and appreciated. Thanks to all of you for sharing your own feelings/opinions/thoughts.

So, some responses to points well-made:
I do not have a classic addictive personality. In my 'youth' I did every addictive drug manufactured, from tequila shots to freebasing. I've been rich, I've been poor. When the Muse lingers my solitary time is richly and creatively spent, but when She is absent, I go to the computer and scour the webbed world for the Goddess of lust and love I have been imprinted to adore. I do not drink myself silly and get into barroom brawls nor do I lose myself in an opium den -- both of which pasttimes were well-desired by the historic heroes of my trade. And I have no interest in suicide in any form. I do not seek to hide from who I am, only to further understand why I am. I have recently accepted the probability that life itself is not a path toward meaning, but rather an opportunity to live. I can never "be here now" more completely than when a beautiful woman looks into my eyes with a glow of shared passion and momentary love, completely forgetting not just that 'it's a service' but indeed that anything else even exists in the universe. And every year I do go away to a desolate spot -- usually to snorkel and dive, sometimes to hike and think -- either alone or with platonic friends and for that 8-10 days I abstain completely from all sexual activity. Though over port on late nights my friends do bemoan the absence of true love in my otherwise enviable life.

I began hobbyiing to reduce the time spent perusing porn -- an attempt to fight,if not 'cold turkey' my masturbatory/pornographic addiction -- and for awhile it worked. Since then I have realized it also added a human touch as I, like many others, have met women of surprising depth and inner beauty who are as much searching for themselves as am I.  It has made my life fuller in all the ways others have mentioned. We could all write a book. America would rather read the one about the family man faithful to the end, but most of those men only dream of the transcendental pleasures we have found with Ali/Carrie/Sasha/Caprice/Ashleyxoxoxo/Brooke/Nico/you name your fave. Is fidelity to family an addiction? Only if you want to stop, but can't.

More than a year ago I wrote elsewhere: "...it would appear that my sustained bachelorhood drives me ever further into the deviant edges of sexual obsession, as a self-forgetful substitute for the absolute absence of romantic love in my life. But could this bachelorhood itself be but a result of my sexual addiction? At the moment I believe my inability to find and accept love to be a fear of abandonment and this obsession/addiction is only a cloaking symptom of that fear.Then again, what if this addiction/pursuit guides me finally toward that certain woman I might otherwise never encounter who, once met, is uniquely qualified to fill the romantic void and abdicate the necessity for any further self-denying obsession?"

I rationally understand that this search itself is a romantic fantasy. Especially with regard to providers whose profession it is to convince us for so long as we pay them that they love us and us alone. It is a search wrought with the peril of almost certain disappointment -- my experiences have proven this time and again.But in a world where chaos overwhelms meaning I can not convince myself to let go the last of my dreams. If this pagan pursuit is the irrational, unique, and godless gift of self that i must throw into the Kierkegaardian void as I make my leap of faith, then so be it.

When I give up the dream of becoming whole in the love a woman, I will go to that remote island for much longer than a week. But at the moment I still fully, if foolishly, intend to be taking Her with me when I finally go.

I thought I was addicted to sex, and (just to add a counter-point in this excellent discussion) then realized I wasn't dysfunctional at all -- THE WOMEN I MET WERE.

I got into a different group of friends, developed a decent social network, and learned to get women horny for me. I stopped trying to live up to the ideals propagated by romance movies (precisely how society PREVENTS men from fulfilling women's needs) and began to learn about picking up chicks. I'm not very good at it, but I'm a helluva lot better than I was when I thought I had to ask her out on a date, bring flowers, be nice, make sure I opened doors, and all that other palaver that wasn't getting me to first base.

When I thought I was a sex addict, I was involved in hobbying about once every other week. I was, therefore, generally having sex once a fortnight. Now that I think I'm a normal person, I have casual and / or serious relationships in which I have sex about an average of twice a week, if you factor in the dry spells when I didn't have a partner. That's a four-fold increase in opportunity, simply by rejecting the bullshit social rules about "nice boys (and girls) don't".

I think the original post includes addictive behavior, indeed. Don't get me wrong. But I also think our society includes a lot of negative stereotypes about human sexuality. I didn't like paying for it, when I felt I "had to" hobby, and my own lack of high income meant that hobbying had a detrimental effect on my "real world" life. But that didn't make me an addict -- that made me a desperate man with a NORMAL sex drive, but driven to extremes in order to satisfy that drive, so extreme I even thought I was psychologically broken.

I am broken in other ways. We all carry baggage. But wanting sex before marriage isn't broken, it's human; and wanting it from a variety of partners in a lifetime is simply "me". I refuse to apologize for that, or call myself dysfunctional.

Amen brothers.

to life right on the page.  The conflicting emotions you've so articulately described are the  baneful by-product of a pedulum that swings both ways. I speak only for myself and not necessarily the profession...when I read

 I can never "be here now" more completely than when a beautiful woman looks into my eyes with a glow of shared passion & momentary love, completely forgetting not just that it is a service, but indeed that anything else even exsists in the universe.  I have been to this realm  only the fee provided was not the catalysist.  It is the flip side of your experience the cruel irony that because I was paid for the journey that my passion was not real or somehow faked in the interest of being a good business woman.  You see for me this can happen inspite of the fee.  I can and have fallen hard for one or two or three  that I have entertained but because of the circumdstances under which it took place my passion and deeply felt connection are reduced to  supposition that somehow I am putting on an academy award winnig performance that I couldn't possibly have  experienced.  I have always been in love with the possiblities of romance and romantic encounters.  Passion knows no boundries and cuts across all lines even the monied ones.  I am hoping that a grain of salt rains true to the above " what if this addiction/ pursuit guide me finally toward that certain woman I might  otherwise neverencounter, who once metis uniquely qualified to fill the romantic void and abdiicate the necessity for any further self denying obsession.  Now that's what I am hoping for.  Hobby on.

You Jack, are so right. As a therapist, I see all kinds of addictions. My theory on them is, "Self-Medicating, for a lack of intimacy" in your life. Most addicts do go through life exchanging one addiction for another, but really never filling the void. I've even had people become addicted to therapy..!!! That's why I'm a Cognative Therapist...My Thoughts are, "Yes, it sucks(life, job, marriage, having been molested, raped,etc.)So except that it sucks and get passed it..it's robbed you of some time and energy, but now, it's not going to squeeze another second of life from you. Move on and leave it behind, it's called, being a survivor..!!" No long-term Therapy is necessary. Stop focusing on yourself, reach out to those around you, volunteer, attend fund raisers, pursue a long forgotten or repressed passion(sailing, cycling, painting, music, acting, writing...etc) Life is much to short to keep up the walls we continue to build through-out our lives, we need to connect with the world, by being a part of it. We do that by risking intimacy, sometimes it hurts, but by being vulnerable and letting the rest of the world in, we start to feel again, instead of using the addictions to numb the pain...Pain can be good, it let's us know we're alive...  PS...I also disagree on any 12 Step Programs...As Jack said, they don't allow one to address the real issues, but they exchange one addiction for another...the worst thing is the rehashing of the past that takes place in these groups, when addressing it, then moving past these barriers is, in my opinion, the best way to deal with them....Dump the baggage...Good Luck Sweetie...  

-- Modified on 5/10/2003 10:17:36 PM

about my initial reply.  But two things strike me as true.

1 - you have a problem with relationships and commitment. Your quest to become lost in the love of a women makes it sound like you view relationships through a one-way mirror.  Does she get to opine her thoughts, maybe point out some misconceptions on your part?  Is she allowed to throw a hissy-fit to reject your assumptions of how love works between two flesh and blood humans?  You have a better chance of becoming a stalker than drowning in a pool of sublime love given the info above.

2 - Sexual fulfillment is a shallow thing.  It's great when it's good, but we give it WAY too much press.  It's a great diversion from the mundane workings of the daily grind, but the total amount of time any human can spend actually having sex is a minute fraction of a lifetime.  Sex is not life itself and time spent in pursuit of sex can easily outweigh the returns.  

Recently, I attended a funeral of a man who lived a full and great life.  He made significant positive contributions to his country, his faith, his family, his community and his friends.  Don't know if he hobbied, but if he did, he didn't dedicate a lot of time to it.  Other things deserve more time.

Peace brother, I wish you well..

I don't believe either one of you have an "Addiction" in the truest sence of the word. This Hobby doesn't seem to have prevented you from enjoying the many other pleasures of life and as long as you aren't harming anyone, loosing your job, relationship or livelyhood because of it, it seems that TER and the Provider world only enhance and add some pleasure and joy to an already great life...Isn't that what Hobby's are suppose to do..?? As a Hedonist, I say ENJOY, cause it's all about pleasure.... Kisses, Robyn

....."But wanting sex before marriage isn't broken, it's human; and wanting it from a variety of partners in a lifetime is simply "me"."  Yep, You and the rest of the human race. Everything in our sexuality, proves we are not monogomous..!!! It's not a natural state for us, so no one should appoligize for doing what comes naturally...It's our Social Mores and Puritanical upbringing that we're in daily conflict with...Those butterflies, feeling faint and sweaty palms when we're standing at the alter, hearing that this is the only person of the opposite sex, we can make love to, hold hands with, kiss, or probably even share a meal with, for the rest of our lives, aren't in our imaginations, they're our bodies reacting (fight or flight) to a concept that is forgein to our nature.  We just need to learn how to please both sides and incorperate it into our lives....Providers help with that, IMHO..Kisses, Robyn

True, the 4th and 5th steps ask one to look at and acknowledge past mistakes, and the 9th step recommend making amends where possible(thereby making it possible to DROP the  baggage of the past). But then,after being freed from the wreckage of the past,the 10th, 11th, and 12th step allow us to live a freer,more self and other aware life, and be more genuine and useful for ourselves and others. Thanks to these simple but profoundly powerful steps,I've been able to dump heavy baggage my family carried and passed on for generations, and now live a lighter,happier,more truly free life than I ever could have without them!

regarding finding the "ideal Goddess" to love,

"In this age, which believes that there is a short cut to everything, the greatest lesson to be learned is that the most difficult way is, in the long run, the easiest" -- The Books in My Life

your literary namesake ("the happy rock") was himself a notorious "whore-monger" and he turned out just fine in the end (yes, it took a while but still). in his particular case, he had his art to sustain him through some very difficult times plus the wrethced pain of love (his "rosy crucifictions")

you are a writer (i presume) and you will figure this out on your own (perhaps your muse will chime in). but the first step comes by admitting that you are _powerless_ over this. if you fail in this regard, then all hope is lost.

my best

I do believe there are those who believe the 12 step programs "Saved their lives", but anyone who's ever attended a meeting knows, it's about sharing "War Stories" as examples, a bit like "Witnessing" or "Testifying" in church...but the bottom line here is, exchanging one disabeling crutch for another one you can more easily live with, is still being dependant. I'm not judging anyone's choice here, I was simply relating my theories in my practice. Cognative therapy isn't for everyone, but it's what I use and I can only speak about what I know. Many years ago I was co-dependant on an alcoholic husband and through Ala-non..I learned my mother and my Gr-mother had been co-dependants also....It was a learned pattern for me...after several years, I realized I had become very dependant on "saving Souls" through mentoring and sharing...but then I also realized I needed to move passed all of it and focus on fixing me. I walked away from the program, but through the years I have gone back to the books and hand-outs and quickly feel myself being sucked back into the comraderie(sp?) and fellowship that these groups offer, a possability, that scares the hell out of me...Just my humble opinion....