on a provider who became my ATF after just 1 encounter.We became real friendly and exchanged e-mails.Suddenly 2 weeks later she wrote that she was facing abdominal surgery to remove a uterine tumor where all her "female organs" would be removed and she would be incapacitated for 2 months and staying with her parents suggesting that I keep writing her.She was obviously distressed by the news and so was I.I immediately sent her a tender reassuring letter offering her my support in any way possible.I waited 2 weeks and sent another letter to ask how she was doing after surgery,no response. So waited another 6 weeks to send another tender reassuring letter, again no response.After 6 more wks sent another  letter thinking that she might be undergoing radiation or chemo treatment and asked her to just say Hello, nothing else,again no response.
Lo & behold recently I found out that she's back at work. My conclusion is either she decided to revert to the normal professional distance or I may have offended her in one my letters. What d'ya think and would you return to see this provider?

Thank you

Go see her, have a great time and forget about it.

Really, why care so much? To make so much meaning out of it will only tear you up inside.

In the end, the twenty minutes or so to write your three letters didnt take too much of your life and the suffering you are going through isnt worth it.

there are a million reasons why she didnt write, some bad some good, but really... think about it. what would you rather have.. an hour of bbbj, cowgirl, mish, doggie, maybe even greek? or hours of sitting thinking, is she or isnt she?

No explanation needed. Maybe when you are done and getting dressed at the end, she will tell you her ordeal, but if not, why make her re-live it twice?

Good luck

Once you know what the deal is then you can move on. There are a number of possibilities so go in expecting anything, including you coming away from the session disgusted with her as a person.

If I was you I'd probably write one more time and ask why she's not responded to your emails and tell her how it's made you feel.  I would not pay to see somebody again who was so incredibly rude as to not reply to several of your emails after she'd asked you to keep writing.

There are plenty of considerate women out there, don't waste more time on one who clearly isn't.

I did write to tell her about my disappointment-haven't heard yet! I tend to agree with your conclusion.

and she's not telling you. Perhaps she meant well at first by telling you to write her. She was probably scared and feeling sentimental. However, remember this is a business and perhaps she suddenly didn't want the closeness. I don't agree with her not emailing you back and at least telling you her dilemna. Are you sure you didn't say things in the emails to scare her off? Some men can be very emotional and not get the hint, too. Either way, I'd find another provider that you can enjoy and forget her. Continuing to email her will only make matters worse. Remember, you only spent one evening together. Wink!

Hugs,
Ciara

Thank you for reminding us of the fundamental principle of hobbying. I am very fond of a few ladies that I have met along the way, but it begins and ends with the length of our date. I care what happens to them, but I don't see the point of engaging in a "love" affair with a working girl... unless you are HER choice for something else and even then it would take a very special kind of relationship built around something more than sex or the money she makes. A couple of ladies I know a little about that are in "relationships" with men who are truly not worthy and engage in what I have referred to as "intimate terrorism;" They are on again, off again with subtle threats and other petty nonsense. When the ladies are working, these guys are off doing their thing. While these relationships are truly not the model for all who are successful and have built a life together, it takes a man with a lot of stones to want his lady to engage in this profession without some very good reasons. Afterall, it's a lot more to it than CBJs.

-- Modified on 12/4/2005 9:55:59 AM

You're absolutely right that she was scared.The time of her e-mail was 3 am probably had a sleepless night after hearing from her doc.Who wouldn't be compassionate for a relatively young woman facing such an ordeal? Nothing in my e-mails could have scared even a bird off a tree let alone an intelligent woman like her.But I agree with you,I'll probably move on.

She asks you to "keep writing her."  She said nothing about whether or not she would respond... hummmm.....  I don't mean to make light of this situation as I have been in that trap myself (in my case I keep falling for strippers who promise a life of eternal bliss - if I would just visit the Champagne court with them! lol and THEN they will be my "girlfriend.)

What do you want out of this?  and why are you so entangled.  This is not the person you thought she was.  Why?  She asked you to be supportive -  you were - and unless you put something spooky in your e-mail - she is being rude...   Spooky- what could be spooky?

she asked you to write - did you, in your e-mail, ask to do anything else?  Go to see her in the hospital, go to see her at her parents house (I kinda imagine that would be a no-no), ask for a private phone number to call her - in short ask to do anything that would invade her very private space?  That would be a no-no, UNLESS she invites you by saying, "I'd really like to speak with you, here is a number that you can reach me at, so I will know it is personal, 1-100-555-1212."  (by the way, this applies for civies as well, unless you are close friends)

If you did, in some way, give the impression of invading her space, it will be difficult on your part to "go back to the space  you were at." If you did not, and she simply did not respond - she is being rude.  The question for you is how rude does someone need to be before you think "hey, ya know what, I can live without this rudeness in my life."  If she is that rude, you are 1) not going to change her, 2) she probably doesn't think that she is or was rude 3) will be rude in the future!  

In the instances of rudeness - I assume the stance of a playua! You should too.  A call to her setting up an appointment may go "hey babe, I have some free time on tues at 4 PM, are you available..."  You show up, have a great time and voila you are back to where you were before - an ATF - but now you understand this particular PERSON (notice I said PERSON and NOT PROVIDER) a little better than you did before....  Will she continue to be your ATF - I would guess not!

Me?  I like variety - and although I have an ATF - I love the variety....  that is what keeps me green.

I first would resolve that I wouldn't get angry with her at the session, even if her whole tumor story turned out to be bogus.  Have fun at the session, at the end of the appointment, ask her about it.  If you don't like the answer, you have the option of never going back or demoting her to less than ATF status and continuing.

I just meant that anyone can be scared, whether it's from her surgery or from becoming friends with a hobbyist. You don't know what she's feeling because she hasn't written back to you. Just offering some helpful advice. But like I said before, some men are very sensitive about things.

Good luck to you,
Ciara

pointless.   Their actions are clearer, and are more  committed.  Yes, words are actions, but they are the least clear, and involved least commitment.

There is no saying why.  She may have lost her memory, or her keyboard.  She may have had a vision that revealed you as an axe murderer in another life.  There does not need to be a why.

angry, why? maybe disappointed that an outstretched hand to support someone in distress(civil or provider)was abruptly rejected without an attempt to explain.

and I can understand that, but then read my original post again. I was trying to figure out why she might have backed away from you. I didn't say you said something mean to her, but I did ask you if you could have said something she might have misconstrued. I don't know what your conversation with her via email was about. Anyway, I ended up replying that she should have at least told you why, didn't I? I'm not taking her side, my dear. You're reading something into what I've said that's not there! Again, you're obviously hurt by this and way too sensitive to ask people on this board about it. I wasn't putting the blame on you, and I'm sorry you feel that way. Next time don't ask if you don't want a heartfelt, honest answer. You ask us for our opinions (and I don't think I was harsh in any way), but then you bash me for being honest and trying to help. Excuse me!

Hugs,
Ciara

My post was also not meant to be deragatory to the poster, but I also added if he might have said something to her in an email that scared her away. Again, I still agreed that she was not polite and should have emailed him back.  Another thing he isn't thinking about (and God forbid)is if she is sicker than he had anticipated. Perhaps she cannot get to a computer (if she's in a hospital). Hmm! I couldn't email anyone for a month after my appendectomy -- too sick.

Hugs,
Ciara

It's sad that we don't always get responses back that we wish for, but this is painfully true. I say "forget her and move on."  It was only one time/session. I've connected with several friends during sessions but that doesn't mean I have to stay in constant contact with them. I try to, but this is the real world, as painful as it may be to accept. Believe me, as a provider you learn this lesson very quickly. If she gets feeling better and calls or emails to explain the reason, then great. If not, move on!

Hugs,
Ciara

Her ASKING you to keep writing her, given the circumstances (i.e., a personal problem coming up and her not telling you to write just to "stay in touch"), was inviting you into her private space.  Anyone who was in that space who is sensitive, whether there by being a longtime friend or by invite, would write as you did...she was having serious surgery, so who wouldn't be concerned?  Once she returned to work and didn't even have the courtest to write you a brief explanation, she lost all credibility.

Maybe she intended on responding when she first asked to write, and when things came down to it, didn't value you that much...and then got overwhelmed by your sense of duty and caring in follwing up as you did.  However, that is her issue, not yours, and she has made it clear that she really doesn't care about your feelings.  Move on...you can lead a hore to the water of being a caring, sensitive friend, but you can't make them drink.

Ciara,your input is highly valued and my apology if you think otherwise.I understood what you were saying but I couldn't think of anything I said that could scare her away.My main gripe is that she didn't even respond with a brief explanation.You missed my point in the original message that she's now back working as a provider.Anyway, I'm thankful for your and other posters opinions that helped me make up my mind to move on.It's funny but I never expected anything particular from that frienship except that I prefer a personal touch even in a professional relation. For me it makes for a better you know what.Wink!

and with me on the East Coast.  We had great discussion about what could be... but alas - one of our partners was less than honest... When the company broke-up... I wanted to stay in touch with the other people - but couldn't - and as one of my partners commented "we were together for purposes of this company and probably would not have met  under anyother circumstances...  so, now that we don't have a company there is no reason for us to be together...  so that is why you don't get any responses from these people.."

And I didn't!

before you hurt yourself further. It is not worth it.

I was being naive once in the past. I thought that I had a pretty close, open relationship with my then ATF. One day, shit happened and I discovered that we did not have any close relationshion or whatsoever but a business relationship. That kept me down on the ground for a couple of days. Luckly, I came to a thought "What do I expect from this unique relationship? After all, it all comes down to business and good time within a given time. I walk in, have fun and then walk out". I started laughing at myself thinking I had been such a naive kid.

If someone does not want to see me, I move on. There are so many wonderful providers to choose from.

MOVE ON, bud!

...that sort of thing happens all the time.

I can't count the number of times I've returned home after a session, my head in the clouds, and fired off an email to a lady thanking her for time and requesting another appointment.

Nine times out of ten she'll tell me that she would but she's retiring, getting married,having some sort of major surgery, accepting the ambassadorship to France, joining the army, or going back to school, etc.

After a while you just learn not to take it personally.

-- Modified on 12/4/2005 8:36:28 PM

her conduct. A person that has been through hell gives off that vibe that is detectable by thoughtful people, which is what the person that started this thread appears to be.

sorry!  I thought she might still be sick. Ah, forget her. You deserve better. Wink!

Hugs,
Ciara

then I realized sometimes people are thrown together for brief (sometimes longer) period of time for a special purpose, and once that purpose is over, it's over. Sad but true. It still bothers me when very old friendships end because people just won't take the time to keep in touch with each other. How long does it take to pick up a phone or email someone? My motto has always been the old Girl Scout motto:  "Make new friends but keep the old . . . one is silver and the other's gold."  Too bad others don't feel the same way.

Hugs,
Ciara

I'll be you're pal if you'll be mine.

Ciara sisterhood. But, you'll have to wear a pink hooded cape and shave your legs. Wink!

Hugs,
Ciara

But haven't you heard? I'm hairless.

As far as pink goes... well... no can do. I only wear black. It's a supervillain thing.

Also....there's that saying "To have a good friend, you must be one" !!!!

Hi MSD

You wrote "you can lead a HORE to the water of being a caring, sensitive friend, but you can't make them drink"

Did you mis-spell 'Horse' or 'Whore'; it works perfectly either way?

Be Well
N

a great friend. In fact, I've gone over the top at times. I'm mellowing out now. A person can only be taken for granted for awhile before they get smart. Wink!

Hugs,
Ciara

I takes weeks or months off for travel and come home to 1,000's of emails. You spend so much time going through them as best you can and pick up on the ones that say appointment. You may have been erased or it may be that she now thinks of you as a friends or vs vera.

Best bet would be to email her again with your informaion and asking for a date.

It could even be that she nervous about scares and is only seeing clients that she is totally comfortable.