I'm talking about those times when all seems right, and then unexpectedly all goes awry. It maybe funny, frustrating or annoying, you name it.

I remember one dinner evening date where I had booked a "historic" hotel. All that means is that it was a B&B type place full of antiques.

My date and I noticed the antique desk chair was perfect for chairitus coitus, and we had a great time. Unfortunately, at the final moment of our ride, our moans were drowned out by a loud "Craaaaccckkkk" as the antique chair broke.

Fortunately, we weren't deposited on the floor on our asses and filled with splinters and we wound up laughing over it.

The hotel staff took it less humorously in the morning, but hey... I wound up buying an antique chair destroyed by fucking.  

Any other blooper or "Oh No" moments?

When I was maybe 19 or 20 I had returned back to where I grew up and was staying with my parents (and yes, I skipped the HS to College path and got the higher ed later). My girl friend came over one night (might have been a birthday) and we ended up in bed. That would not be approved of by the parents but...

Anyhow, after the prelims we got into a good rhythm, which it turned out was  the wrong one for the cheap, old bed I have come back with as personal property. Fortunately it was the foot of the bed that gave out so I didn't end up with a extra strong thrust. Of course we both then rushed to get into some clothes expecting either Mom or Dad to poke their heads in the door to see what had happened.  

Apparently in my absence they seem to have learned a bit more about giving people some personal space and so we soon returned to our enjoyment with the mattress on the floor this time!

This one's an oldie but a goodie, and I've shared this story here before, but it's been awhile, and hey! You asked......  

So a gentleman and I had been going at it trying to finish up round two, and he decided to "handle" it himself while watching me do the same: I'm laying on the bed face-up, while he is standing at the end of the bed (by my feet) doing his thing....  
He's a-strokin' and straining while I'm rubbing, writhing, moaning... when he tells me he's about to come I prop myself up by  my elbows to watch and.... SPLAT!!! A glob hit me directly in my eye.  Couldn't have been more perfect if that had been the goal.  
 
I was stunned but recovered quickly enough and started stumbling, one-eyed (I guess you could say I was COCK-EYED lol) towards my purse and then the bathroom... as soon as he realized what had happened,(it was an outcall) he got some saline and contact lens solution out for me so I could remove & clean my lens, and rinse out my eye.    
He apologized, I laughed it off and went on my merry way.  
 
But then a day or two later my eye turned bright pink... then red.. and really, really gross.  It became very painful, very quickly.    
 
I had to go to the ER finally and they took care of me (turned out I should have tossed that contact lens) but before I left one of the nurses informed me that they knew what must have caused the infection!    
Which explained why the dr  and everyone else had been smirking while he wrote my prescriptions and advised me to "keep foreign fluids out of the eyes"!!!    

I wonder how he knew the guy was foreign?! Bah-BUM-bum!!    
LMAO!  

xxooxxooxxooxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxxoxoxo

END OF MESSAGE

"You should insure those" said a guy to me in reference to my boobies as i was sucking him off...

i was like "huh?"

never heard such a compliment on my tits

he also realized he said something mega awkward and funny and we both started laughing  lol

END OF MESSAGE

A 19yo provider who I'd seen 4-5 times, was giving me bbbj. She req'd I warn her just as I was about to come, and she'd finish me on her tits. On one occasion she pulled me from her mouth, but before she could 'aim' me, the first spurt went straight up one of her nostrils. She had been on all-fours above me on the bed. On impact she sprang from the bed like a cat, & said " Oh God..."  Then hurried to the bathroom. Meanwhile I'm thinking "shit, this date's over." When we 1st met she insisted no cumming on my face EVER!"  A couple mins later she returned, sat at edge of the bed, looked me in the eye & said "that was nasty" Then giggled and snuggled me.

Aside from the time I got kicked out of my double bed when my sister came back from her honeymoon...  I'd already short sheeted the bed.   It was quite late when they discovered the jingle bells I'd safety pinned to the bottom of the box spring.    

My HS GF & I were doing it lazy doggie on the couch in their rec room when her Dad came down stairs.  We were only partially obscured below the level of the pool table.  He looked our way & then went down the hall to the bed rooms...  we had our pants back up by the time he returned

we used to go into the basement of her parent's house to make out. One time, while I was going down on her, we discovered she was a squirter. Not a dribbler. I mean full-on Cytherea, kitchen faucet on high flow.  

Anyway, she lets loose vocally (loud) and fluidly, and I am drenched. I mean, hair, face, shirt, pants, everything. Of course, her pants fly up as her Dad runs down the stairs to find out what is wrong, and here I am soaked.  

Anyway, we pretend to laugh and blame it on a spilled glass of water. As he's leaving, he proclaims "that water is better off spilled. It smells funny."

ROFLMAO!!!!

Now I keep swim goggles with me.

There should be a purple heart for people injured in the line of duty in the hobby.

My purple heart story also involves a bed.  In this case, the box spring was perched on one of those cheapo metal frames that come apart easily, and our acrobatics caused it to collapse.  No harm so far but this sucker had a real sharp edge on it that became exposed after it fell apart. and as I was walking past it, it gashed my ankle really badly.  I managed to stanch the bleeding with some rags and towels, but should have had it stitched up.  The scar lasted for several years.

This gal also was a no COF gal, but she would let me come on her huge titties.  I was stoking the tip of my cock on her enormous nipple when I came, and the wad ricocheted off the nip and landed right on her cheek.   She was alright with it though and understood that logistics of ballistics will sometimes do that

Sounds vaguely familiar lol

hurt me

I used to see a lovely young woman who would host incall in a nondescript motel room. We always had one heck of a good time.  However,  she would also bring her dog with her.  I don't know much about dog breeds, but this one was quite small, had long hair, was a male, and was definitely not neutered.  

So, one time well in to the session, we (that is, me and the woman) are going at it hot and heavy "doggy  style."  She's on all fours at the end of the bed and I'm standing on the floor.  Well, as you can imagine, it was in-out, back-forth, moaning, sweating, just a great ol' time.

Well, while all this activity was going on, her little dog was getting quite excited.  Dogs are generally smart, and I'm pretty sure this one could figure out exactly what me and his owner were engaging in.  We obviously got the dog's hormones raging, so he did what any excited male dog will do when there is not a female dog in the immediate vicinity.  He went straight for a human leg! In this case mine!!

That's right.  He ran up to one of my legs (I can't remember exactly if it was the left or right), wrapped his front paws/legs around it, and started humping that leg, almost as vigorous as I was humping her!  I kind of screamed, then broke from my position behind her, and fell on to the bed.  She turned around and saw her dog still attached (and still going at) my leg.  At that point I managed to kick the dog off of my leg.  Both of us (that is, me and the woman) then started laughing hysterically and we must have laughed together for 5 full minutes!

And that's my story, my first (and only) 3-way doggy style.

I had seen this provider a few times in the past, I hadn't seen her for 8 months and I requested a date and requested she wear her orange bikini (this woman looks amazing in orange).

She answers the door in her orange bikini, and after the door closed I looked at her and said "you look illegal in orange". Doh!! what a dumb ass I can be sometimes. She walked into the living room and she was visibly, and understandably nervous, so I quickly took off my clothes to let her know I'm not LE. What a stupid, dumb ass thing to say given the situation. I meant it as a compliment. The date went smoothly and wonderfully, but I could have ruined it with that comment.

Live and learn, I don't say stupid shit like that anymore at a date, this is not to say I don't say stupid shit anymore, just not at a date.

squirter was unvelievable. My host required her fee plus a,12 pack of Coors Light to keep hydrated. Little did I know what that meant.

During round 1, after a bit of DFK and mutual fondling, we switched to 69. As she started to moan, she unloaded a tidal wave of fluid in my face as I had nowhere to go as her thighs were clamped around my head.

I took a soaking that night. After 5 hours of play in her water park, mostly of the volume was directed at my lower body while I was inside of her. One of my top 5 experiences. I've yet to revisit that  
skill but ..

I used to see this young provider as often as I could because you never knew what she'd come up with next.
One summer night I was staying in an older hotel on the lake with amazing views but kind of old furniture
She came in gave me a big hug and kiss and raced into the bathroom
She came running out with this silly dog face bikini...the dogs eyes were each the bra cup...came running over to the bed, bounced on it and bounced right over the other side!
I was like "holy crap", hope she didn't hurt herself!
Next thing I know this little face peeks over the side of the bed and she was laughing so hard she peed!

I was going against my one and done rule of thumb. The first guy was particularly hard to get off (elderly).  When I finally got him to pop everything exploded. 😕 By everything I mean he shit the bed. So I've got approximately 40 minutes to spare,  a shitty mattress and an a man in tears who needs to be consoled.  So,  I call #2  from the bathroom and explain the situation.  He agrees to come in the morning.  I get my guy in the shower and all spiffed up.  Strip the bed,  call for housekeeping and all is well.  Lol

Let's just say rose pettals tend to stain white sheets when you roll around on them all night. It was interesting to be there the next day when the hotel maid came to clean up. When I explained the sheets and asked her if she could change them she just smiled and said okay... what a memorable night it was though!!!

So, we get started on round two. I ask for Greek she says yes. It's going well enough, I was standing her kneeling on the bed. then I smell.. well you know what it was... I broke for the bathroom, I'm fairly sure she dropped a deuce on the floor...

Came out, trying not to laugh.. and all she said, was Shit happens..

The visualization of that really is funny.  I can't stop laughing.

Don't you think that should be a "Purple Hard" ?