A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it.
"When did you use this awful language?" asks the Mother Superior.
"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a telephone line that's hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."
"Is that when you swore?"
"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.
"Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.
"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.
"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole."
The two nuns were silent for a moment.
Then Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the motherfucking putt, didn’t you?”
This guy is not getting along so well with his
wife and thinks maybe he'd like to have a pet he
can get along with. So, he goes to a pet shop in
search of a friend. After looking around he spots
a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't
have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud,
"Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"
"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a
defective parrot." "Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It
sounded like this parrot actually understood what
I said and answered me." "I understood every
word," says the parrot. "I am a highly
intelligent, thoroughly educated bird." "Yeah?"
the guy asks. "Then answer this; how do you hang
onto your perch without any feet?" "Well," the
parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but
since you asked I'll tell you. I wrap my little
parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like
a little hook. You can't see it cause of my
feathers."
"Wow," says guy, "you really can understand and
answer, can't you?" "Of course. I speak both
Spanish and English. I can converse with
competence on almost any subject: politics,
religion, sports, physics, philosophy ... and
I am especially good at ornithology. You ought to
buy me. I am a great companion." The guy looks at
the price tag. "$200!" he says. "I can't afford
that."
"Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over
with one wing. "Nobody wants me cause I don't have
any feet. You can get me for $20 just make an
offer." The guy offers 20 dollars and walks out
with the parrot. Weeks go by.
The parrot is sensational. He's funny, he's
interesting, he's a great pal, he understands
everything, sympathizes, gives good advice. The
guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from
work and the parrot says, Pssst," and motions him
over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the
cage. "I don't know if I should tell you this or
not," says the parrot, "but it's about your wife
and the mailman."
"What?" says the guy.
"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to
the door today your wife greeted him in a sheer
nightgown and kissed him on the mouth." "What
happened then?" asks the guy. "Then the mailman
came into the house and lifted up the nightgown
and began petting her all over," reports the
parrot.
"Oh No!" the guy says. "Then what?"
"Then he lifted up the nightgown, got down on his
knees and began to look at her body, starting with
her breasts and slowly going down and down..."
The parrot pauses for a long time. "What happened?
What happened?" says the frantic guy.
"I don't know," says the parrot, "I fell off my
perch."
