The answers to a previous post got me thinking that, while this should be a forum of understanding and respect when it comes to discussing sexual issues, it is not really much different from our society as a whole, puritanistic views of relationships included.
You would think that by now everybody would understand that sex is very complex and not the same as love and that not all sex it's the same. That passion wears off in relationships and the sex left may not precipitate the dopamine rush  that we all , without exceptions, love and crave for, but that does not mean you want to abandon your life partner.  Yet someone gets criticized publicly for hobbying while being in a relationship that is not sexless. I saw the post as asking for advice. Rather he gets served a nice portion of guilt.
Is it really this board's opinion that hobbying is just OK for single, divorced, widowed or man in sexless relationships? I was particularly surprised that some answers came from seasoned posters whose opinion I usually highly respect.

Bonobo is on point; while I am in a sexless marriage I don't think anyone posts here to get yelled at...they are looking for help, making amusing comments, or otherwise simply remarking upon the state of sexual relationships today. Don't know about the rest of you, but I read the boards for amusement, information, and occasional enlightenment (those rare but meaningful 'Aha!' moments). And a good night to all...

It is nice to know that I can have my cake at home and some dessert on the side, lol.

I've met providers and hobbyists who were prudes, right wing religionists, homophobes and horrified of a little BDSM slap and tickle. Let alone greek, watersports, fisting, electric play and other fairly standard deviations (among the highly sexed).

We're just *folks* here.

And a discussion of any such post is going to bring that out.

Me? I've hobbied when attached (not married) and when on my lonesome.

But then again, I do not care what a lover of mine does with her body when I'm not there to enjoy it, as long as she stays safe, respects the privacy and primacy of the relationship, and comes home horny lol

The majority of my married friends do not have wives offering them BJ's. Especially not for the purpose of checking to see if another woman has been there before them.

I do have a small, very small,  percentage of married friends who do still have sex with their spouses. But I believe if they were going through the chaos that the guilty poster was living through, they most likely would not be in the hobby.
This case to me is very extreme.
Who knows what this wife might do?

And that is why I think people responded as they did.

just my .02

she was 25 I was 27 and 28 and bodys were hot I 30 now and going to back to hobbing.

Why would you think this community would be any less judgemental than any other demographic of society?

Even in the swinging lifestyle my SO and I have been apart of for years, the "community" is the same - like highschool - full of cliques with a gang mentality. When one of the clique voices an opinion, the others all co-sign. Not much different here.  

Even those people in the "lifestyle", who pride themselves on being SO sexually liberated, (unlike those "poor, misguided, monogomous vanilla fools") - excrete judgements in abundance.

They hate bi-males, while praising bi-females. They treat single males like lepers while coveting single females as "unicorns". The jet-setters won't have anything to do with the blue-collar crowd, no matter how attractive. The "pretty people" can't stand the "too fat/ too ugly / too old" people, and exclude them from events. I could go on and on and on.

The fact is, people are partial to other people who think exactly as they do, and who are most like THEM. This is true no matter what demographic you explore. Birds of a feather, flock together...and as we see, they will shit in other birds nests just to prove themselves to the flock.

It does surprise me that people who enjoy the hobby as we do can be at least as judgemental as the rest of society, haven't we learned anything. It reminds me of the puritans who came to this country fleeing religious persecution only to immediately start persecuting others once they got into power themselves.

I wish TER members of all people could be a little more open minded, but I guess we too are no different than any other segment of society.

One thing I have noticed is that the people who carry the most guilt around with them seem to be the most judgemental where it comes to others. I'll leave it to John to give a 500 word essay on the subject, but I think if you read even just a few threads you will come to the same conclusion as well.

My only question to GMM was why he put up with his apparently insanely jealous wife. His reasons of course are his own, but he was nice enough to respond anyhow.

Men's sexual tendencies between monogamy and polygamy are not uniform; but rather lie on a continuum between these two extremes.

Someone who tends slightly toward the monogamy end of that continuum -- such as myself -- can be nudged over onto the polygamous side behaviorally by environmental factors. Likewise, someone slightly on the polygamous side can be nudged over onto the monogamous side by environmental factors. These factors include actual conditions within a marriage, but also the social environment, availability of additional females, etc.

But some men tend very strongly toward one end or the other. 30% of married men never cheat. I doubt it is because they *couldn't*. They just aren't inclined. Some of those guys would be really hard to induce to cheat. Then there are folks who are way over on the polygamy side. It would be just as hard for them not to.

But every spot along that continuum is a normal part of the human male condition and not in any way abnormal.

MY error was in mis-attributing my own mindset to others -- I stand corrected.

My big issue is a wife who isn't sex capable. But there are plenty of reasons to cheat on a sex capable wife too.

But the fact that a male tendency may be normal doesn't mean it is free of consequences; because wives have some tendencies too. Every once in a while a hobbyist posts here about how he came home to an empty house. Obviously, you're smart enough to know that risk so you didn't need me to remind you.

But -- now, as to a wife or SO assessing hardness and volume.

I had one SO who used to do this -- a GF who lived in Switzerland while I lived here -- and she would assess this though at the time I didn't realize why and wasn't curious enough to ask. If it wasn't up to her par, instead of asking me if I had been sleeping around (I didn't), she instead asked when I had last masturbated. Smart woman.

She didn't use a condom though -- she did the BBBJCIM technique and was sufficiently able to judge what she wanted to through volume and taste.

One thing that I discovered was that a vigorous workout the evening before I went to get her at the airport improved hardness enough to meet her satisfaction. This workout included a fair amount of aerobic work including interval training.

I can't speak as to volume.

May the Schwartz be with you!

The people on these boards are every bit as judgemental as the rest of society. Although I questioned his reasons for staying with an insanely jealous woman, and still do, his reasons for hobbying are really none of my business. I will be among the last to judge him, or anyone else morally. My reasons would be viewed morally wrong by some, but just as his reasons are his business, my reasons are mine, and your reasons are yours. No moral judgement here, only the question of why he would stay. Love is strange, I guess.

I was a child in most of my beliefs.  I believed that if you worked hard, contributed and tried to help others, you would be rewarded, others would help you and cheer your success.... Then I finished school, got a job, and NONE of that happened.

I also believed that you found a woman to love, got married and had kids... and you both supported each other, built a live together, and supported each other.  The woman I married (who is perfectly fine as a human being) with respect to me, turned into a nit picking unsupportive schrew... who constantly nagged me to the point of dispair... I stayed with her because of the kids.  

Before that marriage, I would have criticized anyone who cheated, or who used an escort.  But I have to tell you - the last couple of years of my marriage were hell on earth.  I imagined dying.  If I would have used an escort, it would have eased my pain considerably.... so no, if a married man is so contorted or tortured by marriage or monogamy then perhaps the hobby will keep him sane, prevent "Bad things from happening."  I honestly believe that for most men, they are not wired for a lifetime of monogamy...

BSD