Being a "fixer " is not a serious character flaw as you state unless you force your fixing on people who do not want it.
In my real life, when I see people with problems that they are stumbling with, it is my natural inclination to help fix the problem.
Maybe a better word would be caring.
Did you ever have the experience in the P4P world where someone suddenly got very angry at you without good cause? It hasn't happened to me often, but I remember one time it did.
I was shooting the breeze with a provider, and talking about climbing, which happens to be my passion, but not in a bragging way. She seemed interested, if only politely. Suddenly, she went off on me, and became very angry. I kept the conversation going, and after some time with less anger from her, revisited what had happened and checked on a hunch I had.
I said "When you got angry just now, did I remind you of someone else?". She said that I reminded her of her father, who had been a very narcissistic man, and had not had time for her as a child. She started crying, and (I think addressing her father in her mind) blurted out "How could you?!". We talked some more, and parted on good terms.
So I'm thinking that this kind of thing happens a lot. When someone suddenly gets angry at us for not much real reason, it's not really because of us, it's because we remind them of someone from their past. So instead of taking it personally and getting angry in return, so the whole thing just escalates, maybe we should realize that they are just reacting to someone from their past instead of to us.
And if we are the ones getting angry, maybe we could understand ourselves better and realize what's really going on with us. I'm working on this stuff myself.
I'm not suggesting that anyone in the P4P world should take verbal abuse from anyone, but just that if we have a better idea of what's really going on with the other person, we can have a better chance of getting what we want out of the encounter.
Besides, knowing what's going on with the other person is a pretty fucking important business skill.
I was
Had an ATF who suddenly decided to ask my opinion on her 'rates'. Should she raise them? How high? NO WAY LADY!! She raised them. I went with it. She raised them twice more. Altogether she raised them three times in a month. Her perogative. I asked if I was going to be grandfathered. She said that she was 'worth' the raises. Adios.
9 months later she calls me to ask if I'm coming back.I said no. She told me to go F--K Myself.
Hell if I could do that why would I need her?
"I said "When you got angry just now, did I remind you of someone else?". She said that I reminded her of her father, who had been a very narcissistic man, and had not had time for her as a child. She started crying, and (I think addressing her father in her mind) blurted out "How could you?!". We talked some more, and parted on good terms."
Most people here are missing his point, which is that she was projecting her father onto him, not dealing with a concrete experience in the moment.
I think I might have suggested that, while she was undoubtedly worth whatever she wanted to charge, I could not afford to see her repeatedly or often at those rates.
This is the second post I have come across that i do like.
It brings up the question...when is crossing the line actually crossing the line? (as far as personal/business relationships go) Is it considered crossing the line when one projects things too personal onto the other person? Like the lady in the OP.
I can not speak for anyone else, nor will I attempt to. I can only speak for myself, give my thoughts on this matter in the hopes of an actual discussion.
I am one who is guilty of...caring too much at times. Yes, I keep in mind I am providing a fantasy, a service....I have to keep things in a professional perspective, right?
i am one who listens to others and if the problem isn't too taxing, try to fix it. (in my personal life, not professionally) Has this caused me grief? You bet. It is a severe character flaw i am working on. I do allow a very very select few to vent to me as it does help to get things off your chest. No, I dont try to fix EVERYONE, but if you want to vent, eh. Go for it. Maybe then, our session will be the world rocking escape you were seeking! (and i can get mine. lol) I dont bring any of my real life to any encounter...but if he/she just wants to vent, why not? As long as it is just venting and no one is looking to me to fix the actual problem..i dont see a problem.
of course, when things get too serious, both parties should just part ways before things get ugly.
Some may see this as being stupid. At the same time...is it wrong to form some sort of connection with others? A better understanding and communication is key. You can not provide the escape if you dont have an idea of what one is trying to escape. No, I do not have a degree in psychology..but I guess it boils down to being compassionate? Or stupid.
just my thoughts.
-- Modified on 5/19/2010 2:22:08 PM
In a way, a provider is a therapist. But, you never know what kind of therapist you'll need to be before you meet the customer. The good providers know how to read people and meet the need on the table. Its difficult, but it brings repeat business and garners recommendations and high ratings on the boards. There is often more to this than just the physical.
Being a "fixer " is not a serious character flaw as you state unless you force your fixing on people who do not want it.
In my real life, when I see people with problems that they are stumbling with, it is my natural inclination to help fix the problem.
Maybe a better word would be caring.
she thought I was getting too chummy. No anger involved, just no more sessions.
CHUM on your dates John. Doesn't sound that difficult of a solution to me. LMAO
First, Khym, it can be very helpful, and just about never harmful, to let people vent to you. If nothing else, they are validating their experience, and that is a helpful thing for them.
It's when you offer advice that you begin to take on some responsibilty if/when they act on your advice. A professional shrink has a code of ethics to adhere to (one of which is no sex!), but if you are not a state-licensed professional than you are free to do as you wish, with no threat of legal action.
The bigger question is, are you taking on more than you yourself can handle? Shrinks can do this too, for example getting a vicarious type of PTSD from treating PTSD victims, or burning out from the emotional demands of treating patients with Borderline Personality Disorder.
Don't take on more than you can handle, and always take care of yourself too
It is when one vents and expect someone who is not a shrink to fix their problem....that is when i think the lines are crossed. (besides, I am one who thinks one should fix their own problems and not depend on everyone else)
in my personal life...its a character flaw.
Thankfully, Khym Danyels doesn't have that character flaw. She sits there, listens as you vent...and takes you away from whatever you just vented.
But you are very very right and i will admit to playing devil's advocate in my replies for the sake of discussion.
You are the type who understands the difference in venting and treating a provider like a shrink. I do not fault those who do not quite understand the difference..but understanding is always appreciated.
For that, I do thank you.
now, i have reached my max allowance for posting in one week. lol.
take care.
And make sure she has no weapons within reach.
Yep, when I loaned a girl some money and 6 weeks later insisted on getting a payback. Got my cash back but created some hard feelings. I know, I know dumb on my part to begin with.
It's suppossed to be the borrowers responsibility to initiate pay-back. SO.....
F--K HER!!!
Sorry everyone. Taking advantage of people is a sore issue of mine.
But never got it back. RO board tells the whole story. Now she's threatening me because I posted it.
Take one part insensitive comment, one part Aunt Flo, mix vigorously and you have minor blowout.
Fortunately, these things have a way of disapating quickly.
I thought it was pretty benign... she went completely non-linear (for any geeks out there, ballistic for the rest).
As for the projection thing... we all do it constantly, non-stop.
nasty diaper full. Wow, if only after you got an answer from her you would have asked, "And how do you feel about that"? That probably would have made a record load of crap! Where do you guys come up with this stuff????
I've taken my share of flames over the years, so it's advantageous to grow a thick skin, and have a sense of humor...
As for the ladies, only once, with a lady I had seen several times, and got along with well. A post that I made trying to compliment her instead offended her, and she demanded that I remove it. I wasn't quick enough, she contacted the moderator, and not only was the post removed...I got re-moderated. Apologies to both got that problem resolved, but I have not seen her since, and that is regrettable. She is still active as a provider, and while controversial, until the bruhaha, I enjoyed seeing her. And would again...
What is right? Well, for me right is paying for playing and nothing more and nothing less.
If girls or guys too for that matter want to put their family problems, issues with drugs, childhood misfortunes, I have to run for the hills.
I deal with my own issues day-to-day and would like others to do the same. If they chose not to, I choose to not be around them and it is as simple as that.
Being a savior for the downtrodden is not in my make-up. At least not in the arena of P4P. I am in this for the joy of sexual release. Having fun for money if you will. I play counselor in another field and have no time for this sort of drama in the sex trade world. I move on and mover very quickly, it is better for MY well being that's all.
dissipates any motivation by the other to change their circumstances, thus resolving their problem.
Here's my take on this. I don't mind at all if a client wants to vent or simply converse. Sometimes it's about his personal life and other times it's about work or hobbies. It's their time and they can chat it up if they wish.
One thing I won't do is blab on about stuff that is happening in my life unless it's light fun stuff and not dreary or depressing. They don't pay me to unload my baggage, however if they want to unload their own, I am all ears.
Oh she sounded crazy....I don't take misplaced anger out on anyone especially a client. wow wow and wow