I've posted a couple of time on TER about a relationship I've had with a provider.  In short, we've become very close, and have continued to move towards a closer, more committed relationship, although we're not at the point of dating or being exclusive with each other.

As I think about committing to a longer term relationship with her, I always worry about how her career as a provider affects us.

I'm curious to understand some of the types of normal issues and problems that providers and their clients experience when trying to establish more serious relationships.  I know some of them are obvious.

I ask about this because I'm in love, and I'm trying to make this work.  I know it's crazy, and that it's a situation that's full of problems and risks, but I want to make it work.  I just want to try and understand some of the problems we'll encounter and figure out how to deal with them.

I have never dated a provider outside of our business relationship but I have become very good friends with  a couple of them. While it's not the same as a romantic relationship there are similarities.  The first thing I noticed was that I began to feel differently about the fact that they are having sex with total strangers. Not so much a moral issue (who am I to judge!) but more a concern about their safety. I don't think it's possible to care about anyone who is in a risky occupation without going through this. Secondly, no matter how cool you are with her job, you are going to be jealous. I don't really see any way to avoid this. It doesn't mean you don't trust her or her feelings for you but it's natural to feel a bit strange when you know she is being physically intimate with other men. I have learned how to deal with my internal issues and I benefit from the friendship that I have with these ladies.  You are talking about taking things even further. Are you prepared for the emotions that I am talking about here? Not that it's easy, but the lady knows how to treat her job as a job. Good providers are good at compartmentalizing things. You are going to have to be capable of the same sort of thought process if you want to try and make this work.

One issue my ATF has with her SO is contact with clients off the clock. Your lady friend is probably going to have to be friendly with her repeat clients as far as emails, etc. For her, a little flirting is good marketing but how will it make you feel?

but the hurtles are also considerable.

I have had a long distance relationship with Bev Fisher for over two years now.

We write every day and meet on average once every 6 to 8 weeks for one to three days at a time.

Yes, I do have to use cover stories and be very discrete about certain things.

We do not have jealousy issues as I wholeheartedly support her work and she feels the same way about my hobbying "career".

While we have been doing very well and have resolved financial details (I'm on a kind of "sugar daddy" basis with her.), I would venture to guess that the rocky shoals of finances will be the most treacherous waters in the long run, as is the case in most relationships.

Do have a clear understanding with your SO about this.

I hope you find smooth sailing.

I've been with my girlfriend/provider for six months and things are circling the drain right now. The root cause is jealousy on both our parts. There are plenty of other issues that can be worked out but there's little you can do on the main issue. It takes a real open mind to be in love with someone and accept that they are having sex with someone else.

... that's really the key issue/problem here. Obviously, for many (I'd guess most) people are unable to deal with a partner sharing sexual intimacy exterior to the relationship.

Really though, MANY relationships work just fine with shared intimacies outside the couple - being a puritanical society (basically) it's specifically the sexual aspect that's a problem.

Let's think about some analogies. Consider other relationships where a partner has intimacies with other people, intimacies which in some cases are never EVEN shared with the partner:

- A law enforcement officer might save the life of someone - that certainly creates a kind of lasting bond, one that likely is never shared with the partner. No one would even consider being bothered by this, I suspect.

- A psychotherapist probes far more deeply into the psyche of a client than, very likely, they do their own romantic partner. But that's their job, right? This could apply to ministers and rabbis, even coaches.

- A surgeon literally has his hands in someone. Probably, he has never seen his romantic partner's entrails spread before him, or beating heart. Again, no one would question this.

Maybe these analogies are silly, but the question remains - why is sexual intimacy so different from other modes of intimate human interaction?

That's the question you have to ask in the case of a provider/"civilian" pairing - if you can honestly view all these intimacies as being homomorphic, then you can probably deal with it and develop a life together. If not, best to steer clear.

O.

If I was with a surgeon, I don't think I'd want her digging around in me, but would be quite comfortable with her cutting others open for her paycheck.

I've had conversations with a couple providers regarding their real lives and found one struggling with an ex that couldn't handle what she did, in spite of vowing that he could.  The other said that she couldn't maintain a relationship while working because she'd worry about any guy that WOULD deal with it.  The first of those ladies asked if I could handle it, and I honestly told her that I thought I could, but would never really know until I tried.  I suggested that her ex may have felt the same way, and that it's possible that I would do just as he did.

I struggle at times to see the difference between physical contact with others versus previous emotional relationships.  One would be a current thing, but the other probably involved intense feelings.  So, why can someone accept that their partner was in love with someone before them, but have a huge problem with pay for play sex?  Maybe I'm just cuckoo for cocoapuffs.

with other providers, yet I would never dare tell my hair cutter if I had been to another hair cutter, not would I even feel right about doing so.

A whole Seinfeld episode was based on this.

Yes, it is a weird world.

Thanks everyone for the posts.

For me, one of the major concerns I have about our relationship is trusting how she feels about me.  I'm honest with myself in that I realize there are compromises involved--I'm older, she's empirically more attractive than me, etc.  (Oh, and she met me as someone cheating on my SO).

It's extremely hard for me to deal with the fact that she is seeing other people and still working.  I've made it very clear to her that I would only want a monogamous relationship, and she's said that would be fine.  I can accept that this might seem a bit puritanical, but I also have to be honest with myself about what I want, and what I can tolerate).

I often wonder if that would work for her.  I'm pretty sure she's a nymphomaniac, which is great when I'm with her, but when I'm away I know it is hard for her to be without sex.

It's a messy situation, but it's been amazingly fun.  I've also learned a lot about myself and about how I think about relationships, trust, sex.

All of the previous posts make some really good points. One point I want to make is to be sure the lady is also committed to making the relationship work. Civie relationships are difficult enough. Your relationship is far more difficult, given the added complications of her career. Going in, both you and the lady should understand the extra hurdles that you both will have to negotiate and both sides should be ready to deal with them with an equal commitment. You're serious about making this work, but make sure she's equally serious. That way, the relationship has a better chance of working out. IMHO.