Dr. Milrod asked me to make this available on here, so see the link below to review this article regarding emotional attachements of men towards escorts.

Thanks for the post MF. I miss the LG, her gentle counsel and the safe place she created.

Quite pleased to find one of my (former) aliases quoted repeatedly, even if what I wrote, and was feeling, seems so naive as to be embarassing these days. Brought back sweet memories of the first lady I fell for, now retired and lost to me. No real revelations, though - I suppose that is to be expected since I spent a lot of time on TEH back in the day.

Like anything else, one gets out of it what one puts into it, no more or less, even if so many of us are not really aware of what we are bringing to the party. I guess that is part of the fantasy, the illusion we buy, for most.

zig

So far, the article looks interesting, and its specifically geared towards us hobbyist. I'll definitely read that article. Thanks!

I am quite curious about the discussion that will be driven by this post.  In part, because I see a little of myself in that paper.  I am very new to this, but in my first handful of appointments, something totally unexpected happened to me.  I booked an appointment with a highly reviewed provider who is less than half my age.  There is no possibility for any conventional relationship here at all.  Plus that is not what I am looking for.  I posted about this elsewhere.  Our 2 hour appointment went WAY long, and we exchanged real contact data.  The extra time was uncompensated.  

This was weeks ago, and we remain in regular contact.  Discussing a wide variety of topics and mutual interests.  Including some stuff going on in her life.  I cannot even be that regular of a client, since I live a long way from her.  I regularly think I could be imposing on her life, when I reach out, but she always seems eager to reciprocate.  So here I sit puzzled, as this electronic pen pal relationship develops.  I find myself really enjoying this interaction, and it motivates me to find ways to see her again, but circumstances are such that this will be infrequent.   She is a unique and fascinating personality in my opinion, and I know this is obvious to her.  We are almost complete opposites in every possible way.

So I offer her no way to be that financially lucrative to her, and yet we have this friendship, or so it seems at least.  Plus, without the client-provider relationship, none of this would have happened.   The whole situation feels like a totally unexpected bonus to me, but I have no illusions that it will go past where it is now.  I do expect this familiarity tol make the sex even better, and yes there will always be an envelope involved.  I expected everything in this hobby to be purely business, but I guess this is not always strictly true.  Not when real people and personalities are involved.  Color me surprised.  Perhaps what is happening here is not abnormal at all.  I am curious to hear about other people's experiences.

Notice that gambler is back recently?  He has been working on this sex/real feelings white paper and now it's finished.  Simple.  Upon publishing "how to satisfy 20 jaded women per day - data not included" little fill will reappear.  Then "heavy substance abuse and self inflicted sexual torture" will see the return of that other guy, wtf was his name?

However, half hour will never finish "benefits of premature ejaculation".  I predickt.

It revealed a common misconception that all men see escorts for sex.  MANY men are looking for much more... Friendship, love, romance, intimacy, etc.  It all gets extremely confusing sometimes-- even for us!  We meet a client who we actually like!  Soon, we're chatting on the phone and exchanging emails like we've been best buds for years.

But from what I've seen, the feelings are always fleeting.  

It will come to an end.  But its fun while it lasts!  I think this is the most healthy mindset that people can approach a hobby "crush" or friendship.  

Once one or both people take it too seriously, (usually due to inexperience), thats where feelings get hurt or dumb decisions are made.  As providers, I think that we have a responsibility to keep track of the mental state of our clients and if he cant handle it or is absolutely convinced that we are BFFs, we've got to let him go.  

All of this has an element of fantasy.  I have told guys convinced that we should be life partners, that if you don't know my real name, my life goals, and you have never seen me sick, angry, or depressed, we are not truly friends!  And if you are more than 10 years my senior, we will never date!  

Guys need to just enjoy the ride and not take it all so seriously.  Easy for me to say because there are plenty of girls who totally manipulate guys' feelings for their own financial gain.  I think we're all guilty of doing this because its essential for our job.  But girls cant take it too far or else they're the problem.

Very interesting read. Stong emotional connections definately happen. I've experienced it myself.  It has taken me days to "decompress" after an ATF session. My trip back to reality usually occurs by reading reviews.  When I read of others having similar thoughts, feelings, and experiences with the same person it catapults me back to reality.    

...by not touching on the views of providers and still reaching their conclusions!

we could only hope.  The Boards were a lot more interesting then

For instance, I carry a torch for every provider I've ever touched.  boohoohoo

They are a result of a mutual chemistry that you share, but I assure you it will wear off in a matter of months if not weeks.

In most cases, the relationship ended on a bitter note as the gal felt used.

However, they were fun while it lasted and I'd do it all over again.

However, I have some neat mathematical series that are suitable for decoding Biblical texts and similar esotera, and they are available on the cheap to any who desire.

Yes, the truth can be told now, GG and LG are and have always been one and the same.

You might as well all know now that I am Barack Obama, yes, that's right, I'm sitting here in the Oval Office all day frittering the time away on TER while Joe Biden (alias Londonrayne) runs the country.

In fact, half the cabinent and a good part of congress and the Supreme Court are on here every day.

(And in case it wasn't clearly evident, MP67 is Madonna.)

Thanks. I expect you are correct, that this will pass soon.  That would make the most sense.  I never asked for any of this to begin with.  She volunteered it all, under no pressure for me.  Maybe at the beginning, I filled some temporary void in her life.  I will be bummed out if it ends bitterly though.  

When I do visit again, I will be taking steps to make sure she is not feeling used.  Hopefully when we move on for good, at least the memory will be fond.  I feel that is owed, as some of what has happened will enrich me for a long time after we part company for good.  I went into this hobby expecting just a series of short "all business" transactions.  This situation has seriously surprised, and somewhat disoriented me.

You know who asked me tell you to:

"Strike a pose."

Whatever the hell that means.

8o)

I am not a big fan of pychobabble, and while I have nothing against LG, I am hardly a fan, nor do I spend a hundredth of the effort that she does exploring  what makes "people tick" Quite frankly, most of the time I don't give a fuck what makes people tick, nor am I often introspective about why even I hobby. To me the answer, "I like to fuck" is as complete an answer as I ever needed.

I think it is a matter of style and intent, as LG states in her paper. None of my exchanges have ended any way other than quietly and pleasantly.

And there are two ways to look at it. You can go with MF's rather romantic view that two kindred souls have found each other, or the more cynical view - she is not as busy as she would like and is using you to fill that time, rationalized by the vague hope that she might be able to convert you into a regular client.

There is probably a little truth to both, though I am pretty sure that as she gets busier the communication will peter out. And that is exactly as it should be.

zig

Milrod’s paper is an important contribution.   From a clinical, patient-treating standpoint, the most important point is that male clients of sex workers can be benefited by therapists who help them to have a realistic understanding of the emotional  labor that is done by many sex workers who provide the “girlfriend experience”, and to distinguish this emotional  labor from true romantic feelings.

It is worth noting that sex workers are far from the only workers who do emotional  labor.  Therapists, for example, are trained to provide a warm, accepting environment for their clients, because this helps greatly in forming the therapeutic alliance.   This is certainly also a form of emotional labor.  And many types of sales jobs can sometimes involve, at least to a minor extent, some form of emotional labor.

Milrod uses the term “bounded authenticity” well, and correctly credits Elizabeth Bernstein with coining the term in her excellent book “Temporarily Yours: Intimacy, Authenticity, and the Commerce of Sex” (2007).  Although feelings expressed by sex workers can of course be entirely feigned, or counterfeit, in the “bounded authenticity” model, the feelings are genuine, and grow out of the emotional  labor done by the sex worker.  

Am I misreading your post, or are you suggesting that either some or all male clients of sex workers would benefit from clinical treatment to help them better understand the transaction? If I am understanding this correctly, what would the clinical diagnosis be?

Or maybe the inability to distinguish between true romantic interest and other types of social behavior is a clinical issue in general? That seems unlikely because of the large percentage of people who would need such assistance at some point in their lives, but your post suggests it.

thanks,
zig

TER does a hell of a lot better job of knocking sense into the poor saps who "fall for a provider and can't get up", and we do it for free.

Who do you think is better qualified to tell some fool that the hooker he just fell in love with is not in love with him. Some quack  that will try to help him "explore his feelings" like Madiba, or a real asshole that will just hit him over the head with a brick for his own fucking good?

But I would also like to be clear that the stigmatizing of people who do have mental disorders should end.

The reason that I spoke of seeing  Milrod’s paper from “a clinical, patient-treating standpoint” was to distinguish the perspective that a clinician (i.e. one who treats patients) might have on the article from the perspective that a non-clinician researcher in psychology might have, or the perspective that a social scientist might have.  The journal Milrod’s article was published in can be fairly characterized as a gender studies journal, and the gender studies  area falls generally  under the very broad heading of social science, rather than psychology.  The potential audience for the article could include a wide range of people, including social scientists, sexologists, psychologists, and many, many others.  And so I was speaking of the perspective of one of these groups (clinical psychologists), and distinguishing that perspective from the others.

And so I was commenting that those therapists who are treating clients who are experiencing difficulties because of their unrealistic perceptions of the true nature of their interactions with sex workers, may be able to benefit those clients by helping them to have a more realistic viewpoint.  This is not to suggest that all or most men who have unrealistic perceptions about this should necessarily see a therapist – there may be other ways that they can come to see things more realistically, for example by talking with friends.  

It would certainly be an error to assume that a client who sees his interactions with sex workers unrealistically has any type of mental disorder.  

Most people who come to therapy are in one of two situations:
They are experiencing significant emotional distress.
or
They are impaired in their ability to hold a job or to have good relationships.

Many, many  of these people who are helped by therapy are not experiencing a disorder.  One does not have to be experiencing a disorder to benefit from therapy.