whole article is linked below:
"They pursue physical perfection. They join a gym and treadmill after work. And somewhere along this strenuous path to success, in between work and working out, they hope to find someone to “be in a relationship with.”
In the years following college graduation, their first priority is individual financial independence. Both men and women seek to establish themselves as economically self-sufficient and stable at this stage in life. Eighty-six percent of never-married men and women ages 20 to 29 agree that it is extremely important to them to be “economically set” before they marry, according to the Gallup survey for the National Marriage Project. For many young adults, being “economically set” means paying off college loans, getting a professional job, and even buying a house. In addition, they have a strong desire for personal freedom and experience. As one woman told me, “I want to experience everything twice, once for myself and then again, with my future husband.”
And finally, among young adults, there is the pervasive fear of divorce. The generation that has come of age during the divorce revolution has now reached early adulthood, and its members are all too aware of the fragile stage of marriage. A large majority (82 percent) agree that it is unwise for a woman to trust marriage as a reliable economic partnership. The high divorce rate is another reason for women’s determination to invest in portable assets, like education and career, rather than to place their trust in the economic security of a long-lasting marriage. And young adults rightly believe that it is better to marry somewhat later if you want the marriage to last. One of the most reliable predictors of divorce is age at first marriage. People who marry in their teens have a dramatically higher risk of divorce than people who marry in their 20s. One recent study by a prominent demographer finds the single most important factor accounting for the recent leveling off of divorce rates is the rise in the median age of first marriage.
In response to all these factors, women say that they are seeking “a life” before they look for a life partner. In the years immediately following college, they are no more ready than their male peers to make serious commitments. They have personal and career goals they want to accomplish before they begin to think about marriage. “If my knight in shining armor came along right now,” one 23-year-old engineer told me, “it would really screw up my life plan.” When I repeat her observation to a 30-something single woman, she gives it a slightly different spin: “For all I know, my knight in shining armor could have come along when I was in my early 20s. But if he had, I wouldn’t have recognized him.”
So much of that article relates directly to my personal life. Growing up, I always thought that I would find Prince Charming, marry, and ride off into the sunset. I wanted to be just like my mother - well educated, successful, married by 25 and have my first child by 28. A few years ago I almost had a nervous breakdown when I realized that my plan wasn't happening.
Here I am today. I'm 27, just finished my Master's from a top university, have a wonderful career doing something I love. I workout daily, eat well, read a lot, am active, like to travel, have a terrific family, and so many other things going for me. I'm extremely independent, and am not seeking anyone to take care of me financially or otherwise. I just want someone who will complement me. So, the question is why don't men appreciate a woman who is smart, successful, fun, attractive, and kind? I don't get it. I know that I don't really look for guys to date, but it would be nice to have a date now and then. Am I THAT intimidating? Do you feel threatened? Does independence = bitchiness?
You said it yourself, you're not looking for a date.
I'm not intimidated by a woman, but I can sense if she isn't interested from 100' away. Independence frequently means, I don't want anyone in my life.
From my point of view, independence is great. If a boyfriend/husband is everything to the girlfriend/wife, that can be a lot of trouble. Good way to burn out the guy in the relationship.
-Hoot.
Frankly, what you just described is what ALOT of guys are looking for, myself included. But the fact is, most of the successful high-achiever ladies that I know, want to date rock stars, actors, and jocks. It cuts both ways.
I didn't look like their vision of perfection so I couldn't even get a date with them. I get so sick of hearing (some) women list all the attributes they want- sense of humor, intelligence, kind, loving, emotionally mature etc. when what they really want is some guy who is just rich and good looking. And to prove the point, if he IS rich and good looking, he can be the biggest asshole on the planet and she'll still be attracted to him. His boring personality and other dysfunctions somehow become attractive and bring out her mothering instinct.
Yeah, women always are willing to take on a project if he's rich, but if you're "intelligent and have a sense of humor," you better get used to weekends alone. Every guy on this board has witnessed this at one time or another.
At least most guys admit to the shallowness of their physical attraction for women, without couching it in a bunch of socially acceptable attributes that are really just a "strawman" for what they REALLY want.
If men used the same code language as women, it would go something like this:
"I'm really not that interested in a pretty face, but I do value the total person. I want a woman that's emotionally availalble, is outgoing and has a passion for life. She has to know herself and have goals. I'm looking for a woman who is in touch with her emotions and someone who can love and be loved so that we can have a long-term relationship, and maybe eventually marriage. I don't care what size or shape she is, because these things are more important than appearance."
Translation: "I only date 9's or 10's. I don't care what she does for a living as long as she's hot and has a great ass. She's got to love sex as much as I do, and want it every day. She's got to be willing to have anal, and also invite other women to join us. If she starts whining about getting married, she's history. There are too many fish in the sea, for me to ruin my life for a piece of ass. Oh, and no fucking cats!"
Dear InterestingWoman,
Are you a provider? I thought mainly the women who read this board are providers ... after all, this is errotic review.
Yes, I'm a provider, but that plays a very, very small role in my life.
Not at all, a lot of times guys think that women like that are already taken or in my case, out of their league. I am recently divorced and find the whole dating thing very intimidating and that's why I dabble in the hobby. Ok, some of it has to do with actually being with really hot women but getting back into the single scene is very scary. I would love to have a female friend (possibly with benefits but not required) to hang out and go places with and if something came of it, so be it.
we like a woman with goals. imo, this rounds out her being. as for dating a provider(like, a REAL date)...that's all it would be, just a date. her past would always be an issue. btw, do most providers marry someone who was a client or knew about her past? i would think a provider would be afraid to fall for someone who was not aware, then have to tell him what she did.
Your brains and career success could be intimadating to alot of male suiters.. Some of the old sterotypes still apply. I personally would not feel threatened by your success.( I would feel threatened by your looks..my issue)but there are guys out there that will appreciate what you have to offer.. You just need to look in the right places...
Interesting Woman,
Keep the faith, you have and are doing all the right things. If and when you desire a serious relationship just remember to try look at it (him) objectively before you get too involved.
Good Luck
Akro
I think one can only "wish" to have it all.
In the real world, there are trade-offs.
To this post all that I can say is that it is short and to the
point and totally honest and true! good job of saying it like it
is.
Trade offs like what? Dependence upon a man so I can be in a relationship or be married? Funny that some of the lonliest people I know are married. That's what I called a trade-off.
This fits my ATF to a T. 26 and getting her life in order before she ever looks for Mr. Right. Wow...
The really frustrating thing is that more and more docters are finding that the window of opportunity to have children is in reality best stepped through when your in your twenties. More and more women are delaying having children because of career choices thinking that all the advances in fertility treatment will enable them to have children at older ages. The tragic truth is that even with these advances, many of these women will not be able to have children...
For me, I always felt that men more than women mature more slowly and need an extra decade to get their heads on straight..
They have the luxury of time.
Agreed, BUT not all women have that desire to have children. I happen to be one of them.