I know This has been talked before about but its an undying question...

What do you do when your feelings go deeper than just sex for a provider?

I have decided to let my ATF provider know my feelings. I thought about mentioning it before a couple of times but decided against it.

But this time, I THINK I may just say something. I've pretty much dropped out of seeing other ladies because I've found my ATF which is exactly what I was looking for.

I've looked at this from all angles...we're both the same age (late 20's), I feel that their is SOME chemistry between us. She makes me feel good, emotionally and (of course physically) and I think I do the same to her. I've looked at us together and I THINK we make a nice couple...lol...She is also a great person, very intelligent, beautiful (of course), can hold a conversation about anything, She's exciting, open minded...Everything I've looked for in a lady.

I am a liberal and very open-minded and I wouldn't have a problem with her providing so I doubt that could be a thing for discussion.

The only thing, this is a new situation for me...to explain this to her and her accepting or not accepting would be weird. Someone on here once said "The hard part is out of the way."

But IMO, this is the hard part...

How else can I look at this? Should I tell her? I'm sure someone will tell me 'NO, forget it and her' but I don't want to forget it...This is something I would like to explore but don't know how too...

Any help would be appreciated.

Thanks

Guz



-- Modified on 9/12/2004 6:18:27 PM

no, forget it and her

Don't I own it to myself (as a human being) to at least explore it???

But I've been hurt before.

What doesn't kill me will only make me stronger...ya know?

I may hurt but at least I will know that I tried...

-- Modified on 9/12/2004 6:33:37 PM

-- Modified on 9/12/2004 6:34:20 PM

If she says No, wouldn't be a good idea or she doesn't feel the same...Would this ruin our relationship as client/provider(ATF)???

-- Modified on 9/12/2004 6:36:25 PM

Search the board for a recent post from "From A Provider". It will explain alot.

In the end you need to be true to yourself i guess, just remeber, this is going to be an all or nothing conversation for you.

Are you willing to go that far and chance not seeing her again.... ever?

Its her JOB to make you feel that way.  Please ask the wizzard to return you to kansas.

I would go for it man, lotta guys have probly been hurt and that could be for many, many reasons: the guy is ugly, she already has a bf, etc. etc. etc....

you should hope for the best but be prepared for the worst... i.e. that she doesn't care jack about you and it's strictly business.

I'm not sure if the advice of this is an all or nothing situation is correct as I did this a year ago and it did not become that.  But you do have to be prepared that it may scare her away.

I'm not sure if our situations were the same because I had signs that she thought I was special too before I made my big confession.  As it turned out, she has a boyfriend and while we don't speak about him I get the feeling that it is not a strong relationship.  I decided to take our relationship for what it is but it still grows beyond a normal client/provider relationship.  Not sure how far it will grow but I just accepted that I can't change my feelings for her now and accept the limitations.  I leave an open door to others and don't sweat the boyfriend too much because we are very close in matters that are not physical.  Not sure how long this will last but I accept it for now.  If I find a better situation I will leave her behind.

I can't recommend that you do this but sometimes you have to weigh all of the consequences and ask if you are better off thinking about what would have happened if you brought it up or just remain quiet and live your life never knowing.  That is for you to decide.

-- Modified on 9/12/2004 7:06:31 PM

bad idea, but you gotta go with your feelings.

Better to have loved and lost than to never loved at all. Bet'm  high and sleep in the streets.

....that she would have given you some very strong hints/ signs that she had feelings for you beyond the escort/client thing. She might ask you to take her somewhere she wants to go, like on a date, and there might be a noticeable change in how she behaves towards you. Women who really care about a guy will let them know in their own unmistakable way.  Don't ask me specifically how, but you will just be able to tell that something is different beyond the fact that it is her job to make you feel special.  

Good Luck!
Suzanne in San Diego

Look you are infatuated with the illusion she projects for the hour or two you are together.  In her civilian life she is probably nothing like you THINK she is. Nevertheless, since you feel so strongly, tell her how you feel and get it over with.   Hopefully, she would do the ethically thing and stop seeing you and not lead you on. But then your situation may be the VERY RARE exception in in that she has the same feelings for you.

“I am a liberal and very open-minded and I wouldn't have a problem with her providing”

This is easy to say when you are not NOW in that situation.

Not again!  In the last 24 hours, someone in the Los Angeles board complained that he got suckered for over $10k by a provider who claimed she was leaving the occupation and the hobbyist helped her financially --- only to be suckered.

Please go read it now.  And see how other hobbyists chimed in that they got suckered, too, at one time.

Mantra:  She is a ho' and you are a trick!

Never ever forget that!

Like one poser said:  She is supposed to make you feel good!  She's paid to do it.  Don't be deceived that it's more than that.

Listen, maybe this hobby is not for you!  Maybe you have a latent desire to find a genuine girlfriend or wife.  In that case, search for that.  There are many online dating services.  Try that.

Maybe you can do it, but be  a lot more casual about it than pooring your heart out... say something like... "I really enjoy you and would also love to see you "off" the clock.." If you get a positive response from that fine... now, are you prepared to replace her income? If not, this may become a bone of contention in time... remember, she's doing this to make money. I fucked her good and hard and she only blinked. And yes, we got along well too... Are you getting the script?

Take it slow and easy - tell her you really like her and ask if she would consider going out on a "real date" with you.  

I'd hold off on the "I have deep feelings for you, I think we'd make a great couple" discussion for now. (:

As much as it seems like it to you, you can't possibly know her well enough to say she is "exactly" and "everything" that you are looking for.  You are in an artificial situation and you are idealizing her.  If you have the means and willingness, suggest you consider exploring yourself in a professional therapy setting.  Might be the best money you ever spent, this hobby notwithstanding.

-- Modified on 9/13/2004 12:03:24 AM

Don't lose sight that this is a business. If she makes you feel warm and tingly inside than she is a very good provider, but that doesn't mean she wants to have a relationship with you outside being a provider.


Are you prepared to handle a "NO" answer? If she refutes your advances are you prepared to possibly even have the provider/client relationship come to an end? You may spook her, or she may feel that things have gone too far and it's best to end it.  

If your not prepared to handle the worst, don't venture down that path.  But if you are prepared to handle it, your never gonna know until you try.  The odds are against you based on stats from others, but it's not impossible.

I think LM sduggestion is the best.  You must consider that she also may also have some deep issues which could also need to be dealth with. My .02

Well, ruining your situation may be too strong a term, but I wanted to make it clear that from the lady's perspective, a profession of strong emotional attachment is almost always wrong.

It pushes you right over the boundaries we're worked hard to establish. Some ladies will even drop you as a client if they think you are getting too involved (I've reluctantly done it at least 2-3 times in the last year.)

Believe it or not, many if not most ladies have a SO, even if they have lied to you and said they are totally free (remember, we have to keep that fantasy alive of being single and available).

Neither do we want the responsibility of knowing you feel strongly about us and having to worry about how you will act in the future--what if you start following us, or email us every day expecting daily correspondence? (Some guys do this.)

Unless she has told you she wants to see you off the clock, keep everything the way it is. Enjoy your special friendship but don't press the issue.

Tell her how you feel, then ask her to tell you honestly whether she can deal with that, and if so, how.  Be prepared to walk away and lick your wounds if she's not interested in reciprocating.

You learn something, and yes, you get stronger.  

If she says yes, make sure you've got lots of money in the bank or a huge credit line.  Believe me.  Been there, done it.

Finally, there are many, many providers out there who are very interested in a "relationship" with a client.  If it doesn't work out with this one, it will with one in the future.  Keep loose, don't look too hard, and it'll happen.

I have to agree... I have seen a provider (actually 2) "off the clock" and it was really cool... but she initiated it... I felt the chemistry but I let her make the move... I just happily followed...

This relationship is based upon a business understanding and as such, trying to move it to something beyond that will affect the relationship forever.

The first question you have to ask yourself is, has she indicated anything to you verbally that would suggest she would be interested in moving this relationship beyond where it is? If not, it makes your job alot harder and less possible.

If you make the suggestion and she declines, this will very likely ruin what you currently have together. She will feel uncomfortable everytime you're together and you will feel less attracted to her because your feelings will have been hurt.

If you really want to move forward beyond what you currently have, you're going to have to ask her questions and listen to her in a way that only a man courting a woman would. The first question is, does she have a man in her life already. If she resists your questions, then you know the answer to your question. But if she answers without hesitation, then you can move to the next step.

Ask her about what she wants out of her future. Her dreams and aspirations. What she wants in a man. If she answers such questions, with a big smile on your face (almost as though you're kidding her) ask her what she thinks about a man like you and can she see herself with someone like you.

These are just a few of the questions and initial strategies that you need to consider. It's a hard road wrought with much difficulty. If you decide this is what you want to do and risk what you have with her, I wish you the best and hope you achieve what you want.

Why don't you just ask her out on a date. Don't tell her your feelings yet. Ask her what she does on weekends and if she has a boyfriend and if not ask her to go to dinner with you. Once she goes to dinner with you, you guys will become closer, you won't even have to express your feelings. She will already know. So don't make a full out of yourself expressing your feelings. If she like syou she will go out on a date with you. If she doesn't, she will tell you that she doesn't date clients.

good idea... I think maybe one of the best yet... it definatley sets the tone and you can find out information without totally showing your hand...

She will probably use this knowledge to take serious advantage of you.

Eventually, you will tire of her using you, move on and get over her.

Problem solved.

Why are you even asking?  You know you're going to do it anyway... you're not going to be able to control yourself.  You'll either make a fool of yourself (99% chance) or you'll be discover something nice (for a while).

You're in your late 20's you say, so let's hope you are pulling down some serious scratch. She is a pro and you are a client, correct? You feel that you could live with what she does for income, right? I have some swamp land in Florida for sale and am looking for a buyer presently, interested? I wish you all the luck in the world young man and may everything you hope and dream come true but the odds are against you . . . like if I was a betting man I would wager the farm on her being nice when you spill you guts and after your "session" never seeing you again. Even if she confesses to you that she is attracted to you or if she says she has a crush on you or even if she does agree to allow you to see her off the clock don't get your hopes up. From experience I know that they can paint a wonderful picture of the way things can be then basically blow you off for some unbelievable reason. My .02 cents worth is this, get to know both of them : Her as a professional and her as a person, there is ALWAYS two and sometimes even more. Good luck, you are young and time will heal the hurt. Be At Peace

I've considered seeing a shrink but don't know how to go about it. Do I just pick up yellow pages and start dialing numbers?

don't know how i can get a referral.. i don't have a general doctor.

This is obviously a very emotional decision for you. I wish that I could honestly say that if I was in the same situation I would follow the advice of what others have already told you. But it has been my experience, that once emotions enter into the equation, rational thought becomes somewhat unrational.

If you really like this young lady, you most of course realize that you stand the chance of not being able to see her again if things do not go the way you would like them to go. Therefore the decision to express your feelings may have some very serious implications.

You're going to go ahead with this.

It would seem that if she was really interested in you, she'd have given you some indication.  In some of my earlier posts, I speak of my Marina, who slipped a note into my hand before she left with her driver.  The note instructed me to pick her up later on.  When I did, she told me I no longer paid.  It could be just that simple.  On the other hand (for those of us who live in a special world where the sky is green, and the flowers sing and dance) she may have feelings for you and be agonizing over her decision the same way you're agonizing over yours.  But, I wouldn't bet on it.

You have little to lose if you ask her.  She'll either be interested or not.  If not, it's going to hurt, and if you're lucky, you'll never see her again.  On the other hand, if she IS into it, it'll probably wind up hurting even more some day, but at least you won't spend the next fifty years wondering, "What if?"

Ask if she'd like to have dinner one night, personally with a regular time after that...
Or, better yet, spend a night with her, and see if you still click...

Thanks for all the advice. After reading everyone's message I am once again at the crossroads of what to do...This will probably be decided when I see her again and depending on how it goes I may or may not ask her.

You sound like you got it pretty bad!  If you unleash those feelings like that you might scare her away.  Go ahead and talk to her but be cool.  You might start off by dating very casually to get to know her as a friend.
-b