I'm quiting this hobby...I can not handle the guilt anymore...I'm married to a wonderful woman...how can I do this to her??? How can I undo what I've done and feel good about myself and my marriage again ??? at first I was just experimenting and then I got hooked... but now I regret everything, my wife doesn't deserve this, I just wish I could undo everything

Every day is a new day and we start with a fresh slate. Isn't that wonderful?

And so you've decided this isn't for you - good for you! But, don't regret everything, for everything is for a reason. And besides, have you learned things about yourself; about life; about your own relationship? It sounds as if you have - and learned some valuable things at that.

Brush off your hands, as they say, and move in the 'right' direction for you.

And if you want to PM me, or email me at [email protected]  you may.

I'm proud of you. Now be proud of yourself.

xo,
Sedona

I think it's wonderful that you love your wife so deeply. Many of us take turns in our lives that are unexpected, but to learn from these curves is what keeps us from driving off the deep end, so to speak. Remember, every now and then, we all need the 'Midas touch' and it's okay to put things into perspective and go on with our lives, hopefully to become better people. Try to forgive yourself and although I'm for honesty, it's better to never mention to her what your experiences have been. Move on, learn from it, and never let her believe you ever left her side.
Now, take some time and money that you've spent on other things in the past and put it toward a romantic vacation for two and a beautiful, new promise ring for her. Renew your love.

Hugs,
Ciara

I think you just restored my faith in men. The question is...can you stick to it?

I feel a lot of men put sex before love but if they had to choose between the two, they might realize how important love is.  There are others in bad relationships where the love is amiss. It's just a matter of time until those marriages or relationships end and hobbying is just biding time so you don't have to make a decision now and deal with all the mess of a breakup.

If you loved your wife, truly loved her, you wouldn't cheat on her. Even if she never could have sex with you again, you would use your hand, rather than betray a promise and if you are married, you did make a promise. I think it's wierd how guys who are engaged or have steady girlfriends, think that hobbying isn't cheating. If you have to lie, you are cheating.

If you are married and have a girlfriend and you can tell them that you are seeing escorts or other women, then you aren't cheating because no one in going to get hurt emotionally if they find out the truth. I wish more guys could just lay their cards on the table. You might be surprised that women value honesty even more than fidelity.

There is still time to turn things around and I think you are a good man for doing what you are doing. You have something very special, a conscience. Now, the big question is, should he lay it all on the line and tell her the truth.

In a world of deny, deny, deny, I suspect, most here are gonna say DENY.






-- Modified on 11/30/2003 6:50:38 PM

It appears that this person, at least using this handle, has posted a total of twice.

In October he was “just starting”.  In November he has already passed through the “experimenting”, “hooked”, “regret/guilt”, and now “quitting” stages.  Seems rather a fast metamorphosis,

It is always possible that the person in legit, but I think Mephistopholis is likely correct this time.

If I am in error RRR333, I appologize, and I wish you would reply.  I would be curious, for example, who you saw to get hooked so quickly, and what specifically changed things so quickly again?

R3 was asking newbie questions back in Nov of which I responded.
Fast turn around fella. I wish you the best what ever the future brings you.
xo mo

R3,
 If this hobby has been a mistake for you then learn by it. Don't beat yourself up for it.

  I only hope that someday I have a SO by which I can put into practice all I have learned here both of the flesh and of the heart.

  YKSY

Mr. Old Traveler, you are right, I started last early october and I have seen 3 providers since then... I decided to quit because I realize that this is not for me...I did enjoy all my providers but when I come home, I have this empty feeling inside of me , alot of guilt going on and alot of fear of getting STD's and even worst HIV and I don't wanna pass it to my wife. It's just too much for me to handle. I would email you the providers I have seen if you're really interested but I just think it's all irrelevant from what I'm going through....

Why did you start?  Men get into the hobby for all sorts of reasons (see lots of earlier threads).  I will suggest that many married men get into the hobby because they have wives who have sent them there.  If you got into the hobby because your wife did not want to deal with growth or changes in your sexuality, then you have problems that are not going to go away by you quitting.  

One thing that is never really discussed or acknowledged is that escorts are the new "labor saving device" in some marriages for wives who don't want to go to the trouble anymore.  Although it is never put on the table explicitly, men often  get "sent to the whorehouse" (to quote a friend).  Are you getting pushed into something because your wife no longer wants to deal with "you"?   As a husband, you know exactly what I mean.  

If you are, find a therapist that will help the both of you fix that.  

Do what you want about escorts, but fix the problem and worry less about your behavior with providers.  Telling your wife about it is absolutely the wrong thing to do:  there are legal and emotional complications what you cannot deal with right now.  Suck it up.

PM me if you feel the need to do something abrupt or foolish or if you want a suggestion for a place to look for a therapist appropriate for you and your wife...Harry

And get yourself to a therapist.

You do run the risk she will leave you IF you tell her.

Good Luck, Shaye

If that is the case, then I would suggest you do two things:

First, look at this for what it is/was:  You experimented with something, found it wasn’t right for you, and so you stopped.  I do not think that three visits in a month is “addicted”, and from your description you have weighted the pluses and minuses for you and decided to not peruse it.  I would suggest you not make it into anything more than that.  Stop and get on with the rest of your life.  This is, I’m sure, not the first trail you have explored and decided to abandon.  You can not change what you have already done, and worry will not affect it at all.

Second, do not tell your wife.  It too serves no purpose.

If you find these hard to do, I would suggest you contact someone for counseling, etc.  I do not know anyone to recommend, but there are a few others who seem to offer suggestions in that route.

I am sorry if I judged your post wrongly, but there are periodic postings that come out of nowhere and make thinly veiled moral judgments about essentially everyone on this board.  My apologies if I mistook yours for one of those and it was not.

No, the specific Ladies you have seen is of no particular interest or relevance.  What might be--if you care to write about it—is:  what (if anything) in your experiences changed your view/opinions?

I've read many of your posts and I appreciate your insight. I hate it when I read posts saying, "if you really loved your wife...", it's such a crock. In my case, I truly love everything about my wife, except she won't speak greek. She thinks it's a horrible language and only deviants speak it. Well, I happen to love Greece and I can separate out language lessons from love. And yes, we talked about this before we got married. She said she would do anything. So far, I haven't met a translator and I'm not sure I ever will. But it's not "love" that stops me from pursuing greek studies, it's more a combo of: being very new, very cautious, very picky (no I don't think I'm anything to write home about myself), and provider limitations, it seems not many offer greek.

"If you have to lie, you are cheating."

IMHO, the marriage contract isn't explicit enough.  I never heard a bride and groom talk about who is going to have sex with whom, under what conditions, in their vows.  So everyone just draws their own conclusions, based on "common sense."

In that moment of weakness (accompanied by foolish and usually youthful idealism), common sense SEEMS to be that you'll passionately lust for each other just as much as you love each other, and you'll fuck like crazed weasels well into your 90s, completely satisfying each other.

When that turns out to not be the case, things get confusing.  If the husband feels the urge to see other girls, does that mean the wife somehow renegged on the contract, since she isn't giving him whatever it is that he thinks he needs?  If she violated the terms, then ethically it's ok for the husband to violate the terms too.  But it's not clear that she really did that.  There's no fine print to go back and read, to see what the terms really ARE.   Guilt is all you have to go on -- yet it's a vague sense of guilt, accompanied by a sense of justification.

If you have to lie, then it's either because you feel like you are initiating the violation of terms, or everything's already broken down and you're no longer in a good faith relationship anyway.  Either way, it's a bad sign and you're destined for conflict.  Kudos to RRR333, for deciding to avoid a situation where he has to lie.

Lets just say Mo feels like the wicked witch today...

3 providers @ 200-300 each hotel rooms or not depending either way...

900-1000 in that time period would have been ONE HELLUVA therapist.

So heres the really sucky part. Your not going to know for 3-6 more months if you have HIV/AIDS and that didnt bother you after the first time??? nor the second it took the third? Your posts prior to entering the Hobby indicated a hestitation and many a great and knowledgable men on this board posted some resourceful info.
This is intimate powerful stuff for men and the women of this hobby. Perception and self judgement is everything. It is best you are getting out now .. yea.. but why post about it ?
I am not understanding that R3???
Do you need to hear you are doing the *right* thing to erase the past and make yourself feel better?
Ultimately.. you just should have headed the advice that was originally given to you and stayed away.

You are a wise man, RRR

Getting into this for the wrong reasons and with the wrong mindset can destroy more than the relationship.  It can destroy YOU as well.   There is no weakness at all on your part for seeing what's happening and admitting that it's having a negative effect!   Congrats on being wise enough to see it!

Best of luck to you!

Pig

In my case, I truly love everything about my wife, except she won't speak greek. She thinks it's a horrible language and only deviants speak it. Well, I happen to love Greece and I can separate out language lessons from love."""

WHen you know what you want and you know why who and what .. the situation is fuggin explosive.. it doesnt mean he loves his wife less it doesnt mean I am a two bit pipe toller looking for enough $$ for my next fix

The level of personal status wealth education and such for both Hobbyist and Providers I think would shock people sometime.
Goes back to personal discovery and actualization.

It occurs to me that posting a message here, announcing that you are quitting, and then sticking around for the discussion is a lot like someone who says they wants to kill themselves, and then takes a lot of slow acting pills in a location where they will be found almost immediately.

It's a cry for help, not a real suicide attempt.  

If you really want to quit, then quit, but by sticking around here, you aren't quitting.  You are hanging out on the ledge waiting for someone to talk you out of it.

This “if you loved your wife” gets to me also.  Also the implication that not being truthful to your wife about this means de facto your relationship is going downhill or “destined for conflict”.  For me life is wonderful, but more than a little complicated.  From lurking here for some time it’s clear that there’s no end for the reasons we do this – for both sides.  But do it we do, from the beginning of time, in every society and culture I’ve heard about.

For whatever reasons over the past 10+ years I’ve found the occasional visit to a provider is a wonderful break for me.  It’s a small hour here and there, in a busy and demanding life, that’s just for me and my pleasure.  Yes I know I’m not honest about this, nor am I always honest always about new hairdos my wife gets, or when my mom asks did I like the sweater she sent or when my boss asks me some random question.  I won’t be phony and equate a “white lie” with this but the fact is we do all learn as part of surviving socially to be measured in how we respond and private with some things.  

Meanwhile I have the most wonderful wife of 20+ years who is my best friend, soul mate and a great sex partner.  If I had to choose between her and the hobby I wouldn’t hesitate for a nano second to choose her. She didn’t drive me to this due to some fault on her part, I did it for my own reasons, by my own decisions and don’t feel a need to blame anyone, least of all her.  I don’t have serious guilt about this nor has it ruined my relationship. These are two very different things, in two very different boxes.  While my path and values aren’t for everyone, don’t assume yours are for me.  Clearly engaging in this activity can be unhealthy for some people (on both sides), and it’s just a clear that are some who find this quite all right in the context of their own personal situation.  This seems the last place we should be getting judgmental about how other people choose to spend their time.