Your advice presumes that sleeping with other women would solve the husbands problem. Admittedly he opens with the flat statement "I am not getting enough sex". So you could be 100% correct. However from the rest of the question I suspect that what he meant by that statement is that he is not getting enough sex from his wife. Admittedly I could be 100% wrong.
However if he does not want to meet his need outside his marriage then her offer is not a solution to the problem. Further if we take his quote of his wifes response as accurate, she basically tells him that either he seeks sex elsewhere or they divorce. Clearly the marriage is in trouble. The answer is focused on this particular marriage not on Dr. Saltz's general theory of what a marriage must be.
One more point, the wife is not giving advice she has presented an ultimatum complete with a set of requirements that she expects her husband to abide by. A person need not have psychological problems to find ultimatums inappropriate and difficult in close relationships.
-J
-- Modified on 12/2/2007 2:36:29 PM
Click on the link...
This reminds me of a very long story that I will not write out now as it would use up most of the ones and zeroes in TER's server but the punch line is: "I just wanted you to see what an idiot we have for a rabbi."
This woman is obviously fixated on the hopeless theory that all marriage relationships have to have a sexual component. I find that very insulting, among other things.
This wife is showing a great deal of maturity and common sense. Rather than playing with fire she is helping to quelch it, to extend a rather shakey analogy.
The only other advice the wife should have given would have been to see professional sex workers only, which would have met all the major criteria for her concerns.
The husband may, of course, have his own psychological problems with the wife's advice, but that is a different and probably a lot longer story.
Your advice presumes that sleeping with other women would solve the husbands problem. Admittedly he opens with the flat statement "I am not getting enough sex". So you could be 100% correct. However from the rest of the question I suspect that what he meant by that statement is that he is not getting enough sex from his wife. Admittedly I could be 100% wrong.
However if he does not want to meet his need outside his marriage then her offer is not a solution to the problem. Further if we take his quote of his wifes response as accurate, she basically tells him that either he seeks sex elsewhere or they divorce. Clearly the marriage is in trouble. The answer is focused on this particular marriage not on Dr. Saltz's general theory of what a marriage must be.
One more point, the wife is not giving advice she has presented an ultimatum complete with a set of requirements that she expects her husband to abide by. A person need not have psychological problems to find ultimatums inappropriate and difficult in close relationships.
-J
-- Modified on 12/2/2007 2:36:29 PM
toward the guy's wife who, I thought, was being very straight and upfront, to say nothing of progressive.
I also stated that the problems hubby may have are beyond the scope of what was covered and that's why I was PO'ed at Gail because she did not even consider him, but went after his wife when he is the one with the problem here.
Not only is this one too close to home for you, but this advice seems to contradict what you said below with your "Fuckin A!".
Having said that, I am with you on the "Fuckin A!" sentiment. If I was married to someone and she said that and didn't want to work on it, I'd be filing ASAP.
Here's where guys have to tread carefully. Some guys might think it's a green light to fuck around without consequences, but what if she eventually wants a divorce? She can get proof of his infidelity and he has no proof of any agreement. Thinks she'll sign some contract that allows her husband to "cheat"? I highly doubt it.
If I were the man in this case, i would have her repeat it and get a recording of her saying it was ok...and get sny specifics she may have...
seeing a provider vs getting a girlfriend.
I'd divorce her in a heartbeat.
Hobbying would take out some of the risks that what the wife is suggesting would bring.
Howve a Maon Stream Media article like is unlikely to make that suggestion.
I acctually think the article has a point that the couple should seek som professional (counseling) advice. From there maybe hobbying would be a good thing for the guy.
then she wouldnt be able to use his infidelity against him in a divorce proceeding.
i believe that if you love someone, you want them to be happy and if it is a man's natural desire to want a variety of sexual partners, why should a woman ask him to suppress those desires.
women need to understand that emotions arent always involved with sex and that just because their partner wants variety, it doesnt mean that they arent loved by them.
i decided long ago that if i was ever silly enough to get into another relationship, i'd hire the girls for my man. i dont define sexual infidelity as cheating, but to me, lying is cheating.
anyways, it could be fun picking out girls for him.
women just need to get over it already.
this guy. Someday we may meeet.
...the guy says: "I was speechless and had to go for a drive to the coast and back." And guess what, he lives in Denver!
"Dr. Gail’s Bottom Line: Someone who truly wants a marriage to work does not grant his or her spouse permission to seek sex elsewhere." I have to agree the wife needs to try and solve the problem, not tell her spouse to go fuck someone else. If you do she eventually flip and say you betrayed her.
When looking for a spouse/girlfriend make sure you sexually compatible.
He addressed it right. He wants marriage counseling so that they get on the same page. She threw it in his face and said go get sex somewhere else.
I have heard that it is not "how much sex" that is the problem, it is "how much importance does each person put on sex" that is the issue. The theory is: As long as both partners put the same value on sex (not the same amount of sex), then they can work to a compromise.
If you love someone, you will do things for them. Listen to Dr. Laura sometimes. She encourages the ladies as much (usually it is the lady that doesn't want it as much). She tells them, even if you are not "in the mood" when you start, usually you end up having a fun time.
He may not get all he wants, but he may get enough. She may do it more than she wants, but not so much that she resents it.
When there is a big gulf, then usually one party (or both) have other issues that need to be resolved. That will also come out in marriage counseling.
he gets to bone other woman and it doesn't cost him half of his assets and years of alimony payments. There's a lot of married (and divorced) guys who'd relish an arrangement like this.
Except for the fact that most likely she is setting him up to take 1/2 his stuff already. The marriage is failing, she doesn't want to try to save it, she sends him out to get sex from other women. She will use that in a divorce.
I have seen for the most part that men think for the "now" in relationships. Women think for the "future". She is leading him down a path that will end most beneficially for her when they finally do split apart.
b-
It was the luckiest break I ever got.
He should be so lucky.
Allowing for the fact that most of us on TER are probably not experts on what makes a marriage work, I tend to agree with "Dr Gail" and some of the comments here to the effect that this woman has probably already checked out and could use any extracurricular sex against him.
That being said, there are lots of things we don't know about the relationship that could tip the balance one way or the other. What he has to ask himself is - Is this relationship so good in other ways that little or no sex is OK? Do I enjoy being with her, do we share interests? Can we go away together for 2 weeks and be together 24 hours a day without driving each other crazy or getting bored? Do we communicate well? Do we have interesting discussions, do we see things the same way? Do we have a shared history that leads to trust and comfort, or not? How do I feel when I imagine starting life over with someone new? Are there reasons to stay together: kids, joint business, pet iguana? If the answer to most or all of these is not yes, he better prepare for the worst.
filmat11
As been mentioned above, there is much we don't know about the relationship, but assuming that both persons were satisfied with the sexual component of their relationship in the beginning, I would want to know what changed. I'm curious that the wife is not curious regarding that question, or is unwilling to verbalize it. In my experience, there is usually one person, in the relationship, more motivated to enter couples therapy than the other. The person least motivated usually is the most satisfied with the way things are, and does not desire to relinquish their power over those circumstances. It is the job of the therapist to work with this dynamic. It is also my experience that if one person refuses to enter couples therapy upon the request by the other, the relationship is pretty much over. Also, someone might have brought it up prviously, but seeking out sex outside of his marriage may not be part of his value system. Because of religious values or how his family valued martial faithfulness, seeking sex outside of his marriage could greatly effect his self-esteem, and how he imagines his family, friends and possibly religious community view him.
Like some others, I smell a trap with more than 50% of assets being lost since it will be considered HIS fault in divorce settlement.