I don't enjoy hobbying any longer. Sex with no strings attached is becoming more and more meaningless to me. On the other hand, I am beginning to crave the feeling of being in love, of caring for someone more than anything else, and having my feelings reciprocated. I have experienced this before, of course, and I was stupid enough to lose it all... got no one but yours truly to blame. At least, it seems stupid now that I seem to have come back full circle. I would rather jerk off than indulge in sex without love, these days...

I've been seeing only one provider for the last year - I do like her a lot, and have told her so - but she doesn't feel the same way about me. I started becoming very jealous whenever I thought about her having sex with some other guy... so stupid, isn't it, for an adult to get into this situation! I haven't seen her for a while now, and with each passing day, I've become convinced that sex without love is a losing proposition, or at best, a waste of valuable psychic energy that could be channeled into more useful pursuits.

Has anyone else experienced these feelings? Given your experience, do you think my state is temporary? I truly seem to have lost my desire for hobbying...

as I completely understand how you feel, and either feel, or have felt the same way. (First of all, it's not about, nor have anything to do with getting old). Life is a journey, and things are for a season, so when you feel differently than you did before, it doesn't make what you believed before to be wrong, or silly - it was right for THEN, and now you're here..that's what growth, and change and wonderment is all about. It's a trip, huh?
First paragraph: A few weeks ago, I was in a 'hobby funk'. I thought it was the Holiday, or the heat wave, or some hormonal thing, or, and this the most: the recent deaths of some of our beloved Providers. And it was ALL of those things, true, but it was something else, too. But I know that 'going there' - being involved deeply with someone is a painful place to be, and I don't want to go there, so I feel that is why I want my 'dates' to be meaningful. I trip sometimes on the fact that I have one hour (or two, or five, whatever) with this complete stranger, whom i might not ever see again, and so if someone asked you the $64 million dollar question: if you only had an hour or so with a complete stranger and you wanted it to 'matter', how you spend it? I find that feeling like this helps with that feeling, that you want and SHOULD have; while I on the other hand don't want to have.
I think what you've written is not only so precise but beautifully worded and I know exactly what you mean.

Did your parents ever tell you you were going through 'a stage'? My parents did all the time, and I hated it..but now, of course, I understand that things are different stages to include where we've been and where we'll be going, and whatever happened in the past helps prepare you for that future. You are right where you're supposed to be, and feel just as you are supposed to feel, and it is not a sad thing, but a good thing because it 'isn't working' for you anymore, and isn't supposed to. Because something new is coming your way, and needs to greet the new you, and you'll be ready.
Being right where you should be, is a good place to be.

You are not getting old, you are getting better and very better.
Yes, after all I've been through in the military, in corporate life and in public service, one's heart and spirit grows at it's own pace.  But finally sex becomes meaningless without caring for the person, no longer an object of pleasure but a person you care to make happy and to whom you give, and no longer just take.  Sedona said it all, i could not come close to those good words.

Old buddy ... you are not getting old, you are coming of age ...

For another perspective on this, go to http://www.chronicle69.com/fantasy.htm

I sympathize with your desire to find "love" I too am looking/wishing for something more. However the stark reality of the failure rate of relationships keeps me from posting my notice of retirement from the hobby.
   I don't know where your from but here in SoCal marriage has a 60% failure rate and that doesn't tell the story of the countless couples staying together only because they can't afford to divorce.  
   My married buddies look at me as the luckiest SOB on earth, and I look at them as the lucky ones. I wonder who's grass is truly greener??.

  Cm.

Thank you, everyone, for your kind and thoughtful responses. As Sedona said, this too must be a stage in living, a natural evolution of one's self as one keeps making the choices that present themselves as life unfolds. The link posted by Turkana hits so close to home, it's almost scary! But it's heartening to know that there are others on the same journey, that one is not alone, even though I'll probably never meet them all in person.

Take care, everyone, and may you all make the right decisions in your lives.

you just need that one special person that you are searching for.

Hang on, you will find her!

Shaye

What you are getting is Jaded.  Experienced.  It happens.

That's why the GFE is the Holy Grail of the hobby.   A provider that remembers your name the next time you see her and asks follow up questions to your conversation of last time.  One that doesn't call you 'hon' or 'sweetie' or any other name that, no matter what she says ... is because she can't take the time to remember your name ... or sees so many clients that she couldn't possibly remember them all.

There are providers out there that do this.  They remember names, they write down birthdays and send you a message on that day.    They remember your name because they enjoy the hobby and they enjoy YOU.    A complete girlfriend that you simply don't have to deal with when it's not convenient.

If you don't need the hobby anymore, that's fine.  Maybe you're gone forever or maybe you need a break.   But if you do come back to it at any point (probably after you DO find a girlfriend and true love ... then upgrade Girlfriend 2.0 to Wife 1.0 and the honeymoon is over) the GFE's will still be out there.

Many spirtual and psychological experts would say that this search that is so institionalized in Western culture for "that one special person" has a great deal to do with why there is so much eventual dissatisfaction with marraige in Western culture, and that the only "special person" out there for every person is themselves. This is not to say that a committed monogamous relationship can't be one of the strongest sources of personal fulfillment in life, and that it isn't worth striving for...being a hopeless romantic myself, it is a fine line I constantly walk.  However, if one is at peace with oneself, it is much easier to accept the "stages" of life mentioned in the very wise post that Sedona did earlier, and it is much easier to have your life in a place where you can meet people with who you would like to create a healthy, loving relationship with.  They are always there, if one is ready and willing to look.

Ahhhh...Stages.  I don't profess to know much about love or relationships at all.

I do this "serial dating" thing because I think I've found my one true love and lost him already in this life.  Fatalistic me doesn't believe that I deserve that again.

Nor do I wish to relive the pain.  (Not that I don't relive that pain on a regular basis.  He didn't cause me the pain, I caused the pain, both to him and myself.)

Now that I write this, I suppose, really, we cause ourselves to be in whatever state it is that we are in.  I could move on if I really wished to.  Holding onto grief must work for me,  this self-punishment will end when I feel I've paid back the Universe for behaving badly.

Maybe, you've just hit a fork in your relationship road and it's time to shift gears.  It's always nice for me to know that human beans , gender aside, are gentle creatures when it comes to emotions in relationships.

Thanks for the well written thread.

*smoooch*
Elise

-- Modified on 7/25/2003 5:40:54 PM

Agree completely, however, some providers who claim to offer GFE actually deliver only a superficial product.  It can be wonderful when you find one who provides the complete package so the conversation and companionship become at least as important as the physical relationship.  This, IMHO, makes the fantasy complete .

Great thread!

For me, I have to have some kind of "engagement" with the provider or it doesn't work for me. Even a short hour can be dynamic if I can have an intellectual and emotional as well as physical "conversation" with the lady.

I deeply caring, reciprocal relationship with a woman is heaven for me, but I love women with an "e" and want to experience as many as I can.

I do wonder what "I'm looking for" in these relationships, and I'm not completely sure. I do know that I am meeting some incredibly stable, smart, and astute people as I partake. Strong (but not necessarily dominant) women who are truly their own persons really turn me on. That's good enough reason for me to keep coming back, at least for now.

with what I think of as personal growth. and yes I can say that
I do feel just as you do. I would rather risk having an emotional
relationship with a woman rather than just a sexual relationship
alone. It has been many years since my divorce and I had much
to discover about who I am and who I wanted to be. and now I
think that I have come to that point in my life where I am
happy with the person that I have become. and yes I have feelings
for a provider just as you do and it is the same as your situation, she likes me very much but not equally as I feel for
her. so for now we are just great friends and I go on living
and hoping that it could be more some day. And who knows?
maybe some day will happen?