There is a provider I see who has a BF, but he's completely in the dark about what she does. It's a stressfull situation for her and I've advised maybe it times to either come clean with him or perhaps retire. What do you folks think? Could you guys handle your GF being in this profession?

Not sure if he suspects a thing but she tells him she works as a masseuse and might on occasion give the client a HJ if he requests it, but nothing more.

It goes without saying, I respect all providers and the work they do, BUT there's no way I could accept my Significant other providing while we were in a relationship. I however would have no problems dating or marrying an ex/retired provider.

........interesting 'eh!

Unless she was more active in her work than she is at home, it wouldn't make much difference.  She would be such a low volume provider it wouldn't even count.

and truth be told, neither do I.

Having a relationship with an acive provider has it's own unique set of challenges, but it can work between the right two people.

I have dated several providers, both active and retired, and also both casually and seriously. My batting average with providers is at least as good as with civvies, probably better and with less drama attached,in my experience at least.

BTW I don't believe much of what the author of your linked article has to say, sounds like a lot of moralistic BS to me, but that's just my opinion

it's easy for some, maybe not so much for others. If you're a traditional values; cookie-cutter monogomy kind of guy it ain't gonna work. Likewise if you have sexual self-esteem issues or happen to be an emotional cripple.

For me it was no big deal. Granted, we were swingers before she ever got into escorting. If you could handle swinging, you could probably handle having a escort as a wife.

But it's not entirely the same given there is no trade-off for you when she's rocking Joe-hobby; it takes a bit of selflessness as well - a 'what do I get out of it' attitude will not work either.

For me, part of the fun of swinging was watching her get fucked good (but often, it wasn't that good, unfortunately). In a sense, my mindframe wasn't much different when it came to this.

Usually her client of the day would be some sad-sack, desperate, got-a-3-inch-dick-and-a-Mercedes, mid-life crisis having fucktard who didn't know how to use his dick any better than he knew how to use a bar of soap. But on the occasions where she got lucky and the guy gave her pussy a good beat down, I always enjoyed hearing the story.

Maybe, ask yourself if you're the kind of guy that gets any gratification from HER sexual satisfaction, even when it's not from you. If yes, that's a good place to start.    

I think when most guys say they could handle it, they are thinking along the lines of, they'll be with her and she'll quit, i.e. they could live with knowing what she HAD been. But what if it's going to be a part of your lifestyle for forseeable future...still interested?

I think you should keep your nose out of her business.

Monogomy is a man made concept, not how we are hardwired.

He seems to be all right with it.  He will call between appointments...  she has had me stay sometimes & shushed me so she could take the call.  
I don't think it's up to us to decide what is good for someone else's relationship.
skb

The other major problems are that of social stigma, but we can hardly legislate morality, our current prostitution and draconian drug laws are proof of that.

Just like with drugs, the violence, corruption, and exploitation comes as a direct result of the laws against it, rather than the activity itself.

Just to answer it 'as is', I wouold say: YES, IF
being yes if I knew she was a provider when we first started seeing each other.

The reason I say YES, IF  at this point is that the question, as it is posed, might be thought of as "Could you handle your SO being a SEX WORKER, who as part of her chosen career has casual, meanless, safe sex with other men/women." I think THAT question is not so different in some ways as "Could you handle an OPEN marriage" or "Could you handle a swingers lifestyle."

With that being said I think it is a bit more complicated when you bring in all the other factors of being a provider especially in this country, where she would be is persecuted by LE.

I also think the answer would be affected by the particulars of her clientel and work conditions, i.e. does she work in a Nevada brothel? Is she a "massage therapist" in a store front business? Is she a "high-priced call girl" (as the media favors the term) with rich/business clients.

But I think the full question that would have to be asked before I could give my answer clearly would be...

Could you handle your SO being a provider, if she were happy with her career, and made the choice knowingly and freely.

To that I would say....  YES, I think i could.



HalfHour
Cpuld you

As far as the BF in the dark I find that hard to believe.He dosen't notice not so normal work scheduel or increased labido or new techniques.Maybe he just keeps his mouth shut because he knows a good thing when he has it.What if one day he tryed to book his GF when she wasn't around and he found out that way it could hapen some ladies don't screen.There have bin times I have thought the woman I was with could be cousins wife I dont know what she looks like.Imagine that at the family reunion.Honesty allways the best option even when it hurts.

I have seen at least two providers whose husbands know what they do.  In both cases, they are hobbyists and former clients.  I assume they've made their peace with it.  But that's very different from being a BF or husband who doesn't know his wife is a provider.  Honestly, I'm not sure I could deal with that.  On the other hand, I have a lot of respect for providers and am fascinated by what they do.  I could see myself married to one whom I met professionally and who continued to provide.  Of course, that's entirely theoretical.

I always hear from the ladies "it my job", Tell the truth and find someone you don't have to hide your life from.   I personally cant see the benefit of being with someone who lies to my face. Wouldn't you at least like to try honesty.  I hear it can actually help a relationship rather then one built on deception.

Several ladies that I've gotten close to have asked me this question in the past.  The worst part in my mind is the concern for her safety.  Next would be that she misleads guys for a living, and I'd need to be certain that I wasn't one on her list to deceive.  Thankfully, I had a really good bullshit detector installed a few years ago, so that's just a minor problem.

Anyone that's gotten close to a provider (really close, not just ATF material) can tell you stories that would peel paint off a wall.  Honestly, it can be just the thing you need if you're looking to leave the hobby.  That said, it can make the lady even more appealing.  My question is, can she handle me being a hobbyist, because those guys are real assholes.

Many couples have agreed-upon understandings, in which sex with others is permitted or encouraged, for a variety of reasons. However, we remain powerfully primitive creatures underneath.

Regarding a provider who does not tell her partner that she is providing:  From a couples counseling perspective, the breach of trust that deception of this type represents is very difficult for a couple to "come back" from.  Most couples are not able to recover, despite their best efforts.





-- Modified on 1/18/2011 4:03:32 PM

My wife, however, is not a prostitute.  Nor has she ever been one.  When I met her, though, I actually thought she had been a prostitute (I also thought she was bisexual and dating a mutual woman friend).

Anyway, I obviously would not have a problem if my wife or SO was a prostitute.

But it's not necessarily easy.  See the link.  Not written by me, but I found it pretty accurate.

[Hell I would even pay her price to get it more often.

Could I handle my SO being a lady in this business?
I think I could, but I can't actually know unless it happens.

Could I handle her lying to me about it?
That would be far more difficult, and something I might not be able to get past.

I don't really like being lied to, not just because of the lie, but because of the implication that I am too stupid to know I am being lied to, that I am not deserving of the truth, the thought that I wouldn't be able to handle it, her fear that I would do the wrong thing thereby taking away my choice to do the right thing, etc.

If she doesn't respect me enough, believe in me enough, trust me enough to share with me what she does, to keep me out of a part of her life...
if she doesn't want to share with me that part of herself, if she thinks I am too weak, or jealous, or whatever to handle it...
then why would she be with me at all?

The lie would be a problem, not just because of the lie, but because of all that lie implies about what she really thinks and feels about me and our relationship...or lack thereof.  

Most men would not be able to handle their SO being in the adult entertainment business there are exceptions.Some gentleman feel that they are okay with this it is just a job while others could not accept.I have a boyfriend been with him for several years he knows to a certain extent what I do he knows I visit guys in the privacy of their home or room.I also do the occasional bachelor party but it is something that we do not talk about as far as the particulars.
You have to be a real confident self-assured guy and I say this because I have met a lot of guys that know I am in a relationship and the first thing that is asked Well,how does your boyfriend feel about your work?
Guys say they could accept it but until you are in those shoes you do not know what you will accept.
I have a guy friend who knows what I do at first his thinking was "Oh I would be okay if I had a SO in this business" after some time his tune changed to "I don't think I could handle that for more than a short period of time."Glad he is just a friend and not my boyfriend.

There's a lot I agree with in the article but there also are several mis-conceptions, especially the one about "feeding the dark economy" of rape and forced prostitution.  We've had many posts on this and I don't wish to re-hash them.  But if you see well-known providers (and not Asian MP girls, Thai children or East Europeans, among others) it's unlikely you're dealing with someone forced into the life.  Also, while the story of this particular girl is poignant it should be noted that this is one person's story and can't be applied to everyone.  That's a general problem in news stories that use anecdotal material to make a point.  It's not an accurate survey and so, while the conclusion may be accurate, it also may not be.  I know there are lots of providers who don't abuse drugs, don't (and should not) feel guilt about what they do, don't lie and don't rationalize.  So, while I enjoyed the article I wouldn't take too much from it, though, of course, the issues it raises about STDs are quite valid.

monogamy is entirely a cultural construct, and by no means a natural (or healthy) predilection. i would perhaps say that most human beings are hard-wired to be possessive of those they love, but this possessiveness need not reflect itself in any desire for monogamy.

Simply put, we want our partners to remain monogamous, while we ourselves are free to be polygamous.  In this way, our own genetic material is moved forward, and we do not spend resources on offspring who are not ours.

But, from a couples counseling point of view, non-monogamous behavior on the part of either partner is problematic, and often leads to the end of the marriage, even in those cases in which the partners agreed jointly to the non-monogamous behavior ahead of time.  And, in those cases in which a partner has deceived another about their non-monogamous behavior, it is the sense of betrayal and subsequent loss of trust which is most difficult for the couple to recover from.

The link's story is different from mine too, as I said.  And yea, you're right, there's a lot of moralistic stuff in that guy's perspective.  

But I actually agree with the general hassles of being associated with a heavily stigmatized profession.  It's awkward when people ask what your SO does for a living.  Neither of my ex-girlfriends' mothers knew what they did for a living, and in one case this was in a European country where prostitution is legal.  My first GF once had to tell her mom a big tube of lube in her purse was hair gel, and then to support the story started putting it on her head.  Lucky her mom couldn't read anything other than Polish (the tube was in German & English).

And yea, if you don't feel comfortable with prostitution in general, then it's weird to be supportive of people doing it.  Sort of like being a vegan married to a butcher.  Personally, I have mixed feelings about the legality of prostitution.  I don't have any problems with it, but still I think it should maybe stay illegal unless/until some of the problems associated with it (stigmatization, trafficking) can be worked out.  

They were totally uncool with it.  In fact, one relationship broke down after she saw me with another provider.  But we hadn't done anything!  Just jealousy and suspicion.

In the other case, it was just realized it wasn't going to work, and parted amicably.  God, I still remember that last hug, me saying 'Have a nice life', and her saying 'you too'.  I still send her flowers every year.  Damn.  Now I need a drink.

Interestingly, in both cases, their interest in her job waned as our relationship got better.  I guess if you date a provider, it's an easy way to know how she feels.

that men who were accepting and understanding should have no issue with this job and if they loved you enough they could understand and separate love vs work

then I met a current SO and he definitely is not the sharing type..

he definitely would not understand, and he told me any man that truly loves a woman could not let her do anything adult related... and every man who does then deep down does not give a shit about the woman and is just using her

which made me think about my ex who never worked while I paid all the bills.. he played WoW

I wish I could find a man like that

I can tell you, it is hard for me to sleep when my wife is at work. Every insecurity about me as a man is payed out in my mind. I know some of her clients are: better at sex then me, better looking then me, better educated then me, smarter then me, funnier the me, and a few are likely richer then me. It is rough. I don't want to share what once was just mine. I fear I may lose her even though I know she loves me. I don't want her having sex with anyone else and that is her job.

But as bad as that is it is nothing compared to my feelings I had when I first found out. I felt so betrayed, so hurt. The lies and manipulations where much worse then her having sex with others. The trust I had in her was destroyed and 9 month later has just began to heal. I don't think I will be ever be able to trust her the way I did before.

If she didn't confess, If I found out some other way there is no way I would still be married. I had divorce papers drawn and everything. She even signed it, all that was need was my signature and it was a done deal. But I still loved her, and I seen how much it was hurting her when she signed. I also knew how harsh the divorce decree was; she would be left with little. I couldn't do it. And I tore up the papers and decided I will make it work because I love her and couldn't hurt her that way. She stood by me when I done even worse.

We now have an semi-open marriage. I am allowed to pay for sex and so is she. We both have the same rules. I can book one session a week that is no longer than two hours. This session can have as many providers as I can afford and I can invite the her if I wish and vise-versa and it don't count against the once a week for the other. All providers must be approved  by the other.  Condoms are required for camel-slides, FS, and anal. No seeing the same provider more than onces ever two months. No gifts to providers without permission worth more than $25. I am to get tested for STDs monthly. I must tell her anything she asks about my paid sessions and must inform her about them after the fact. My wife does see paid providers from time to time and always invites me to join if it OK with the provider. She is very bi.

I am allowed to provide if I can find any takers. Any of you ladies want my services? Other than I must play safe I have no rules imposed by her.

My wife is only allowed to provide at a legal brothel in Nevada that we made an agreement with. She as required by law is tested weekly. She must while maintaining the discretion of her clients answer any questions I ask about her providing honestly. I am not allowed to ask about her clients other than the number of and sex of said clients. These rules are for risk mitigation. No pandering charges for me and she has a bouncer to protect her if a client gets out of control. Take much of the worry for her safety out of it.

This arrangement is working for us. I am still insecure about her having sex with others. I also feel a little guilty every time I see a provider and can't bring myself to kiss one as it feels like cheeting. But we are making it work.

In many European countries, where prostitution is legal, there are still problems.  Most famously, trafficking has INCREASED in Northern Europe after legalization.  The number of underage prostitutes has INCREASED in norther Europe after legalization.  Now, these increases are simply because there's more money to be made and more people in the business.  But nevertheless, this is causing some European countries to re-think their polices even as prostitution becomes more professional and banal.  Sweden was the first big reversal.  It made the purchase of sex illegal in 1999, after 3 decades of legality, citing it as a 'failed experiment'.  Germany legalized prostitution less than a decade ago, but there is increasing talk of reversing things and many cynics say the only reason it isn't is because the government likes the tax revenue.  Even while supporting legalization, most people in Germany oppose prostitution on 'moral grounds'.  Even sex worker advocacy organizations like HYDRA basically state that they support prostitution as a legal profession, and the rights of prostitutes, but not a society where prostitution exists.

The main problem is stigmatization.  Girls can't organize easily or get the help they need because too many people do not consider what they do a legitimate profession.  Here's a classic catch-22 from Germany:  The welfare system there requires people to regularly apply for any suitable job, and take it if offered.  Prostitution can't be considered a profession, people argue, because then any women would be required to take the job if offered.  So it's considered an 'activity'.  But although prostitutes pay taxes (and even collect VAT, usually through the brothel owner or agency), and enjoy certain legal protections (they can sue a john for not paying, for example; a john can also sue if she doesn't perform as promised), they don't enjoy certain health and retirement benefits.

The stigmatization also causes lack of transparency, and this breeds exploitation.  Cops regularly check up on street girls, and street work is typically geographically limited by cities, but it's mainly up to brothel owners to police the girls that work for them, so there's a huge underground traffick of brothel girls taking jobs in an uninformed manner, trying to pay back 'transportation expenses', etc.  They don't know the language, the legal system, etc.  They often live at the brothels and have little free time.  I have known really bright women sucked into bad situations, in bad situations they weren't even aware of because they simply didn't know what was going on because they were forced to live half in the dark.  It's not cool.

See the link for detailed info on Europe.  Compare countries where prostitution is legal and illegal.  The problems aren't that much different.

While my better nature truly believes that love conquers all, and love doesn't happen that often, I don't think I could share the woman I loved -- and considering that the average Provider has seen +800 guys, that's a lot of sharing.  I could easily imagine falling in love with a Provider, but I would be "one of those guys" who would ask her to retire.  But, it's not fair to ask her to give up something she loves doing and is financially rewarded by without bringing something to the table as well -- well above mutual respect, consideration, and partnership.  I have to be secure enough financially to provide her the type of life she is accustomed to.  And, if I cannot give her that in return, then I have no right to ask her to retire.

That article, John, is only one man's perspective, and frankly a negative one. Not all escorts are like that, as you may have come to realize.

And you know it.

BTW..... $ lol!

ya know i agree..


I could not handle my man seeing providers.. is it a double standard? yes! but I cant help it!

I get nothing from my wifes job. I pay all the bills. I would do anything for her. Even let her provide and stay with me. I don't like my wife's job. I do have at times difficulty separating love and her work. But I love and accept my wife as who she is and part of who she chooses to be is a provider. I don't know if this choice to provide will change sometime in the future or not.

I wish she would quit being a provider, but have decided to make peace with her choice to provide. She wishes I would quit abusing food, but loves me anyway. We all do things that those we love wish we didn't. I understand why she feels she needs to provide and it does sadden me. You see real love is accepting your love one as who they are not who you wish they could be. Even if part of who they are is not the best they can be in your opinion.

I honestly know I love my wife yet I allow her to work as an escort at a brothel and still be with me. If what I know to be true is true then he is full of crap. Just my opinion.

The guy wants us to believe that he actually had a SO relationship with this basket case?

Give me a break.

That's a bunch of agit prop by the anti-fun squad of the Holy Roller Organization.

Yes, been there, done that.

Interesting take on it, and I wish my SO were like this

OMFG! LOL of the day! Thank you for your post.

I guess we're not in Kansas now, Totto.

Maybe your BF is a hobbyist and you don't know it.  Can you accept it if he's having sex with other women?

NO   Way.. I would get way too Jelous

I told my wife and used to believe something similar. I didn't realize what love was until my wife showed me and I in return returned that love. Maybe in time his take will change or maybe not.

I post what I post and am very public about my feelings on this board because of two reasons. First, I know I am not the only SO of a provider who feel similarly and feels all alone. You can't go to your friends as they would never understand. I know my posts have helped a few others in a similar boat. Second, to give the providers one guys point of view what it is like to be the SO of a provider.

If it also provides you with a good chuckle at my expense thats OK too. I just want you to know it isn't a joke even if I sometimes can be. I'm glad you enjoyed my post.

Anyway Kansas is overrated. Your now in TER land where some providers have a SO. And some hobbyists see providers with there wifes blessing.

That sounds absolutely rough and heartbreaking. I wish I could say "Congratulations" on finding a solution that works for your marriage and her career. It's absolutely clear that you love her, but I also strongly sense that you'd rather she stop providing altogether in a perfect world. Sorry about the insecurities, too. You nailed them all on the head, I have felt those before as well (not from a provider SO, but my SO had an affair). It's really the same feelings, IMHO, and doesn't matter if she's a provider or not, she's with someone else that isn't you and it doesn't look like it's going to end, yet you still love her.  It's hard, very hard, Scoed, I wish all the best for you and your marriage.

Not in my make up. I tried it one time and it was a disaster. She was "providing" to support a drug habit which I didn't know about until later. I only P4P when I am single as I am now. I have done it while in a relationship but only when I knew it was over. I believe in the one man one woman situation. Old fashioned I guess. There are so many people in the world. I would rather be alone than compromise my feelings. Hence I P4P while unattached. I do it more for the smell, touch and feel of a woman. The sex is an added bonus. I am the type that would rather the lady get off than me. I still want my try but the climax isn't the whole issue. I feel for the ones who are ok with this and hope they can make it work for them. They are more understanding than me. I put great stock in loyalty. And sharing your body with another person isn't being loyal. IMHO.

I am pretty sure I could handle it, but hard to say until you really have to deal with it.

Having dated a couple dancers (who I know did NOT do extras), I got used to having other guys seeing them and getting lap dances etc. In both cases, we where upfront about the job, what it entailed and our feelings about it. I realized early that those guys look, maybe grab a feel if they are quick then send their paycheck home to us. My current gf is a dancer, loves the job but still comes home to me.

I have a couple providers that I am close to as well. One is actually mostly retired now, but we still talk on the phone regularly (she is in another city from me) and I visit, as a friend not a client when possible. Even during her providing days, I would spend the night off the clock at her invitation. I knew her job, what she did but was able to look past it. Right now, I am very close with another one. In the right circumstances, I might have found her to be the one. We date as a couple, on and off the clock and again, I know what she does and so far have been okay with it.

Dear Caitlyn:
Since you have become active as a provider, what are things that you look for in men as opposed to when you where a civilian woman? Would you look for a man who has more street smarts now since you would have more game as a woman? Also what is the one thing that you look for due to the fact that you are more worldly and have been exposed to much more than a lot of people including men? Considering you have been an active provider for several years now a what point would you know that a relationship is going to work out and when would you know is a good time to reveal your profession to your romantic counterpart? Also how much tougher is it for you to find someone genuine,wholesome and tolerant of your choices that would be real? Also would it be easier for you to select someone who has worked and participated in someway in the adult industry as opposed to one who hasn't?

Sorry, didn't mean to make fun of you or your marriage. I honestly thought your's was a made-up post for entertainment purposes. People do that here quite often.

Good luck with a complicated situation.