TOP 10 LIST OF THINGS YOU NEVER SAY TO A HOOKER:
by Kelsi Stylez

#10   I hid all valuables after I called you, & now I can't find my wallet.

#9   I've had better.

#8   What do you mean you won't cook & clean?  Your ad said, "I'll do everything the wife won't" !

#7   Did you want me to roll these quarters?

#6   Whew!  I am just too tired to drive home now, could you set your alarm for 7?

#5   Shit!  My wife is home early from the shooting range!

#4   Is it OK if my mother watches?

#3   Wow!  They must have really air-brushed the hell out of your pictures!

#2   Your father must be so proud!

AND THE #1 THING YOU NEVER SAY TO A HOOKER:

#1   You have the right to remain silent.  Anything you say can & will be...

-- Modified on 9/11/2011 7:38:44 PM

LOL Love it! #8 is my fave!

How bout "I followed you home. I'm now standing in front of your door, open up b4 I kick it in!"

or... "Is that a camel toe in your pants or are you just happy to see me?"

Or,  "Your breath smells like ass, did you just rim someone?"  lmao

Good list. These are going to help a lot of people.

#11. I don't care for your tattoos.

#12. Is that your pussy I smell or your ass?

#13. Do I fuck as good as your stepfather used to?

14.  Remind your dad that we tee off tomorrow at 7.

15. Do you have change for a $20?

OMG #12 !!  

#0, Damn honey, did you wash up? Cause umm... it ain't too fresh down there.

How about these ?

"Hey Babe did you go fishing this morning and forget to wash the stench off ya" ???

"I think I have a Dingleberry, or 2 -- you wouldn't mind if I used your sheets to extricate them would you"?

"You want a TIP??? Here's one - got a plastic surgeon"???

"How was this hobby back in the 1970's "  ???

"I'm sure you were a "10" 25 years ago!!! "

"Have you considered being a contestant on the 'Biggest Loser' show to shed some pounds"???

Can we skip the condom? It just makes the itching worse.

When your daughter turns 18, you should offer doubles!

You're pretty clean for a professional girl.

You remind me so much of my mom. She's awesome!

Could you do an outcall to my work van?

Is it true you girls give everything you make to your pimp?

There were never any charges brought against me. It was just her word against mine.

I have this fantasy. It's sort of a prison sex scenario.

So, I deducted the cost of your meal from the envelope. I covered your drinks and the tip.

Ooohh...uhhh...that feels soooo good... stop for a minute. I gotta use the can. I think the exlax is starting to work.

I'd like you to dress real sexy, with no panties and and high heels. Then, you'll be standing on the corner and I'll pull up and roll down my window. Then you ask me if I'm looking for a date.

I'm on my fourth marriage. I'm a widower from my first three.

When I get close, I'd like you to scream "Don't touch my dirty pillows! Please! Don't touch them!"


HalfHour

I think everyone posting was looking at the lighter side of people being clueless.

In what I posted, I'm totally poking fun at what outrageous thing a brain dead guy might say. They have nothing what-so-ever to do with anything disparaging toward providers. That's how I took the other posts too.

Sometimes the tone of the author is lost because of the limitations of internet communications. I guarantee if you heard these spoke you could tell they were in good fun, and actually giving props to providers who have to sometimes put up with testosterone fueled lameness.




HalfHour

Call me a mangina, call me a woman, call me anabangbang — it does not matter. I will NEVER tell a lady when my crotch is itching. That's just sooooooooooooooo disrespectful.


HalfHour

Sweetie, this was certainly not intended to offend anyone, & look who it was started by...  We're just having fun!  This biz is tough & not necessarily for the sensitive.  I didn't mean to offend you or anyone else.  Sorry.

And the winner is...

OMG! FlushTheJohn!  wahhhhahaha!  Baby, you take the cake, these are f n hilarious!  My faves are:  "Can we skip the condom..."; "There were never any charges brought against..."; "So I deducted the cost of your meal..." !!!!  Oh shit I can't breathe!  You've gotta post those, please?

Agreed.  Thats my philosophy as well.  You obviously are comfortable in your skin.

"Do you have change for a $20?"

Hilarious!!!!

XXX-Giselle

Well if it's itching THAT bad, you won't really be able to keep it a secret!  

OK, I suppose I shouldn't refer to myself as a hooker when I'm attempting humor, but I'm not gonna' lie, it cracks me up & I guess it's a way of fooling the psyche so it doesn't absorb the negative perception our society has on what I do.  I've always had an odd sense of humor they say, & my views on certain topics are nowhere near traditional.  That given, I don't feel one bit beneath anyone, nor morally deprivant for what I do.  But there are oddities in anything we succinctly endure, & if one of like cannot see some of the peculiarities of this industry as being humorous, then their experiences within it may endure unnecessary hardship, in my opinion.

Your ass looks alot smaller in your pictures

Do you ever book these rooms using points?

You must be a hilton rewards member.

Do you buy baby wipes in bulk from Sam's?

When is your next appointment?

Hello blurry face

~   So then who's the hot babe in the picture?

~   No, I doo this all tha tyme; I'me juss rilly short for my age.

~   Don't piss me off!

~   Sorry, I changed my mind after I rubbed one out while I was waiting for you.

~   So, do you have any sisters that are single?

~   The real reason I called you here tonight is b/c I wanted to know, "have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & personal savior?"  [(these are just jokes, remember?)]

~   Here sexy, would you set my dentures over there on the night-stand?

~  Well the CIM BJ was awesome, but you're the first GFE in years that's made me wear a condom during the main course.

~   Do you mind if I drain my Colostomy bag first?  (ohhhhhh!)