I'm wondering how providers handle the issue of family members seeing themselves online.  I have been dealing with a situation where my son, who is 18 (I am 36) knows that I am a provider.  I also have a for-pay website that I run that has nude photos of myself on it.  Not too long ago, my son (Kevin) asked me if I could stop being a provider.  I told him that, no, this is what I do for a living, and I expect to remain attractive enough to do this for a number of years yet.  He told me that it was beginning to make him feel quite uncomfortable, and I said that that was something he was just going to need to deal with.  Kevin then said that he found my website to be especially difficult because at times he was torn by feelings of wanting to subscribe.  I told him that it would probably be inappropriate, but that he is now legally an adult and would need to make his own decision about whether or not to subscribe.

A short time thereafter, I discovered (he used his regular email address) that he had in fact subscribed.  I asked him about it, and he confirmed that he had.  I asked him if he had ever masturbated to my photos, and he said yes.

Anyways, I'm just wondering if I handled this properly.  He is obviously working through some difficult issues, yet I feel that I cannot whitewash what I do or hide it from him.  Any other ideas about how to approach this?

I have 4 children, all over the age of 18 (the oldest is 38),and this is my view.

First, 18 may be an adult in the eyes of the law, but it is not really an adult.   You should have told him not to look at the website at all, and certainly not to subscribe.   His attention to your naked body, and his masturbation, is clearly inappropriate.  

I would tell him to drop the website and never look at it again.  I would say that this is my wish, and if necessary, my instruction, as his mother.

My son knows.. however it was never mentioned to me..nor was it talked about.. When i found out he knew.. Itold him that Ive been a model for many years and didnt think it was something that my children needed to know. Then told him that the page was made by one of my lunatic ex's . Which is very believable on his end.

I then  blocked his ip number from my site... his girlfriends ip number... and many others that I did not want to find it.. I keep up on it monthly to make sure all the ips are still correct and blocked..

I do not think id ever ask my son if he ever masturbated to my pics though !! Id probally throw him out of the house !! LOL!!!

Angela -I love that you have an open and direct relationship with your son. But you are asking for trouble if your son wants to play with himself to YOUR pictures. Perhaps you should talk with him -and a professional therapist -about this stuff (serious suggestion).
Also, perhaps if you want him to be open and comfortable with him on sex -you might block him from your site but suggest he find a different site to subscribe to.  Think of it this way, if he's gonna see a provider -you wouldn't see him, but maybe you could connect him to a friend.

The important point is get to a counselor and talk about his sexual attraction to you. Something is just not right with that.

I can't see much wrong with how you handled the topic of him dealing with you being a provider. You laid down the facts and told him to deal with them as an adult. This seems like a fair approach.

But the second issue regarding him masturbating to pictures of his mother I find pretty disturbing. He put some thought into it before deciding to subscribe, and he gratified himself to your pictures, which seems to indicate that he has unnatural sexual feelings for his mother.

If these feelings continue fester you could wake up one night and find your son trying to boink you or something. Maybe I'm reading into it too much but this issue sounds like one that needs attention of a mental health professional.

Right or wrong really is not something I will presume to pass judgement upon here, but are some possible scenarios.

If your son lives with you this could pose some awkwardness and potential problems.

Also, does he depend on your income?  If so, does this cause conflict from within him?

Does he feel that he is condoning or promoting your "behavior" by accepting it?  (Often men will accuse other men of being pimps when the man accepts the woman's career choice in the adult biz)

Supposing he does finally appreciate and honor your choice of career.  Will he worry himself sick that you might be hurt or arrested, and can he cope with this?

Does he have the savvy to be discreet, protecting your anonymity and keeping info from flowing into the wrong ears? How would you feel if he bragged to his friends?  Remember, bragging that your mom is a Porn Star is one thing, but bragging that she is a wonderful courtesan could compromise your safety and discretion in that particular area.

Just some things to think about.  A heart to heart might be in order... to help him through his feelings... Oh! and to safeguard yourself.

Best to you D


-- Modified on 9/22/2004 6:13:28 PM

and I'd like to take it further.

You cannot expect your son to necessarily discern the difference between wanting to masturbate to your photos or another woman's as he already may feel you are already breaking the boundaries of appropriate, and you are defining new territories of behavior.  So now, where are HIS boundaries supposed to lay?  What you tell him, when you have broken the rules?  And remember, he is carving out his identity as a MAN  as well.

Consider also all the stuff on the net, and his immaturity to actually dealing with it ...

MILF (Mothers I'd Like to Fuck)

And how MANY incest sites are there?  

Surely his email box and that of his friends are slammed with porn just like everyone else's.

So remember, you cannot judge him by your standards.  I.E. You cannot expect an 18 yr old mind to discern like a 36 year old's mind ... especially with all the male hormones coursing through veins that are about to burst ...

I am a provider, so I'm not throwing stones.  Also I feel, depending how a woman treats herself and her clients, that her work is sacred.  But you can't expect a young male to absorb all this.  He is uncomfortable and that is natural.  Just help him through this.



-- Modified on 9/22/2004 6:22:27 PM

So he's attracted to you. A social worker I've talked to said that he's deal with incest ... it's a complex situation. Subconciously, you encouraged him by not stopping him firmly and telling him to do what he want (like subscribing to your website and wanking off).  By not putting boundaries between your sexuality and his (which is what is happening here), an incestous relationship is in the brewing. Remember, it is very very possible that he could be obsessed with you (I mean why is he paying on your website to view your naked body? Masturbating 3, 4, 5 times a day and choking his bone as he thinks of doing you in all possible positions (doggie, mish, cowgirl, asian, etc). You may not want to think about that, but that's what's happening as he masturbates and ejaculates. Could be a start of incestuous obsession.  I suggest you stop it immediately on the strongest term. Ban him from your site.  If you don't, your relationship could be in for an ugly ride. Unless you want an incentuous relationship and everytime he hugs you he gets a big hard on and then starts to remove your clothes ... that could happen.

How did this happen? Why is he not attracted to women his age?

His attraction to you is simple: it is familiar.

What is not simple is finding all of the interelated dots that connected at various points during a span of 18 years to make him wired into making a choice that was directly against your wishes and detrimental to the familial unit. It could be a cry for help. It could be rebellion. It could be a bonafide MILF fantasy.

A therapist can help clarify the mystery by starting to unwind the hows and whys.

This was a good place to post your concern.

I have read this thread about six times as I was putting my thoughts together to try and respond. First of all I am the oldest brother of five sisters, and had five daughters, who then blessed me with seven granddaughters, my experience with boys to say the least is severly limited. To futher alienate me from this subject I never knew who my mother or father was, therefore I have no experience in the dynamics of the relationship between a mother and her son.

Having said that, I have always been attractive to older women (since the age of 14), but never really acted upon on it until I reached the age of consent (in this case 21). Your son is also being bombarded with MILF ads and websites all day. While their appears to be other obvious issues here, the fundamental issues are a lot more serious.

Should he start sharing this inforamtion with his friends, there is a good possibility that your family could find out (assuming they do not know). There is also the possibility that LE could find out. This could have a disastrous affect on your career and your livlihood, not to mention the effects on your personal life.
And of course all of the other issues that were posted above.

Base on your post, it does appear that you and your son have a very unique realtionship, (he did admit to you that he masturbated while on your site, which I don't think most sons would have admitted) therefore at the very least I would sit him down and have a very serious talk with him about the seriousness of this entire situation. He must understand that he could jeopardize everything should he decide to communicate too much about what it is that you do.

In regards to his sexual attraction for you, that is something that he is going to have to work on. You can tell him not to visit your website and maybe restrict him (I'm not quite sure how you would do that), but the bottom line is that he is 18 years old. Old enough to visit porn sites, old enough to fight for his country, old enough to vote and in some states old enough to drink. Therefore I do not think that you have much control in that area.

Just let him know that he has a responsibilty to keep you out of harm's way. I don't think there are too many son's out there who would respond negatively to protecting their mother.

This probaly hasn't been much help but I do wish you the best. Good luck.

You handled the first (son knowing that you are a provider) quite well.  I believe, better than most.

The second... you should have set firmer boundaries on.  Ooooh, I hate using the words 'you should'.  I'm sorry, it is truly how I feel.  I can appreciate your trying to instill the values of personal responsibility and choice in your son.  However, 18 is only LEGALLY an adult.  You are still a compass for him in his decision making.  Your response to the situation would have been quite appropriate if you had been speaking to your neighbor or a friend.  But your son?!?  

What about YOUR wishes?  Did you want him looking at your site? I'm assuming not. Why didn't you ask him not to?  Since he asked your opinion first, it is possible that he would have respected your wishes.

It is quite disturbing to imagine your son enjoying your site as 'just' another member.  He obviously wanted you to know since he used his own e-mail account to subscribe.  What is he trying to do with his actions?  What is he really trying to say to you?  

I agree that this could be building unhealthy patterns in your son, and could negatively affect his future relationships with women (and his own views on his own sexual self!).

Please find a sex-positive therapist that both of you can visit to work through this.  Keep the focus on the site, the relationship between the two of you, and your sons needs.  There is no reason to discuss that you are also a provider, and make sure your son understands this.

...to the major issue here. I think everyone else here has said, and I as well agree, that you handled the first issue correctly in not treating him like a child. However his need/want to view your naked body, and his odd attraction to you is, in my opinion beyond your psychological reach. I think you need to do some extensive research and look into perhaps seeing a therapist that would not be difficult for the two of you to see together. Someone not too old, not too young, someone very contemporary and who can approach things carefully but still directly; someone that creates a comfortable environment in which to draw on such a discussion, that you feel open with, and that you are sure he would feel open with, and that you know could help you work through something so difficult as the brink of an improper incestual attraction.

I was just wondereing...what really is the probable outcome of a son lusting after mom?  I mean society seems to really look down on this sort of thing but then they tend to look down on our hobby as well.  So, outside of the initial yuck factor, just what would happen if this just took it's course?  Would he never have desires for another woman in his future?  I doubt that.  Would he never 'get over' mom?  I doubt it.  Would his pee pee fall off?  I mean I really don't know...and does anyone?

Second thought: he might just have the desire to look just because he's not supposed to.  Youth tend to want to do what they know is considered wrong by olders folks.  The taboo factor.

need a shrink. Your son is damaged and needs ATTENTION!!!! This might be the most disturbing thing I have EVER read on this site.  Get him some counseling immediately!!!!!!!

This is not something that society has just looked down upon.  It is no accident that Oedipus Rex was written 2500 years ago, and Oedipus came to a foul end because he slept with his mother, albeit unknowingly.

Every two-bit amateur psychologist has heard about Freud's Oedipus Complex and its seriousness.

[I added more.   I wrote originally at work under time restraints.]

I agree with others that say you need to go into counciling.  Moreover, you need to keep a clear head about what's at work here with him.

Potentially, this is a nightmare for a provider.

When he first asked you if you could stop being a provider, it was a warning of the feelings that were beginning to drive him.  By society's standards, the society he's been socialized in, you're already in foul territory.  Not that he judges you badly about it, but the danger is that he doesn't have the judgment, given his feelings, to know how foul he could allow himself to go.  Society gives us no guidance on this.  I suggest that you have to decide quickly on where the foul line is, and set it down to him, and hope that he heeds it.    

Unfortunately, either he has talked to his friends about this, and they've given him a very bad time, or he knows he can't talk to them, and he doesn't know how to think clearly enough about his drives and feelings to do it alone, nor can he actually do it in your dominance, which could feed both resentment and sexual excitement.  

I'm hoping for you it's not more dire than that.  However, the fact is, sex and power are very deeply intertwined.  Worst case scenario, if he feels resentment and shame over your work, he might start to express those sexually toward you as a rebellion.  That is the nightmare I mentioned.  It's never good for a young male to combine emotions of sexual attraction and resentment.  

That's why you need a therapist, and soon.  This is too much for anyone to handle.  I'll say you're breaking new ground here, in this society.

I wish you and your son well and I so hope it works out for you.    Keep us appraised please.

/Zin







-- Modified on 9/23/2004 8:55:09 PM

board, this really sounds like a situation for professional help.  A family therapist or psychologist sounds in order.

"what really is the probable outcome of a son lusting after mom?".......

The potential outcome is what is the real issue. This kid could grow to lusting after his kid sister, other little children, then acting out his lust by being a rapist and/or child molester, or serial killer that lusts after and fornicates with corpses. Something as bizarre as this should not go unconfronted, turning the other cheek is not the answer.

Ask any parent of a child molester, rapist, serial killer, etc.. and they will tell you they saw some signs early on of deviant behavior.







-- Modified on 9/23/2004 6:02:43 PM

what you just did is what arm chair analysists do...

You said, "This kid could grow to lusting after his kid sister, other little children, then acting out his lust by being a rapist and/or child molester, or serial killer that lusts after and fornicates with corpses. Something as bizarre as this should not go unconfronted..."

The operative word is "could".  He also could grow up to be a cardiac surgeon, could grow up to be president, he could grow up...  

And then you wrote, "Ask any parent of a child molester, rapist, serial killer, etc.. and they will tell you they saw some signs early on of deviant behavior."

Well it seems to me that interviews I've heard more than once tend to go along the lines of, "gosh, we never suspected anything like this...he always seemed like such a nice...."  I'm sure hind sight is 20-20.


I'm thinking that we, society, has sort of always thought this sort of behavior is way out there.  Historically the Oedipus issue has been a guide to our public outcry against this.  I'm asking the more basic question.  Do we really know how bad this is?  Do we really know for sure that these horrible things necessarily have to happen?  Or are we meerly echoing what we've always heard and really have no idea.  We have such a tendancy to think to ourselves wow this is BAD... everybody says it's BAD so it must be BAD.  But do you really know?

I'm not defending here.  I DON'T know what will come of this.  I'm just being a little skeptical of the usual rush to judgement that this necessarily has to mean that this kid will be a molester because of this.

And as for writings, hell there's a ton of religious writings out there that have been proven to be full of bull.

Too, this kid is pretty much all ready grown.  At 18 there isn't a lot of time left to form this sort of thought process.  I'd guess that he's there for the most part.

Thanks to everyone for their replies.

I do agree that there may be an element of resentment involved--also, I get the sense that his friends may have 'dared' him to do this.  However, I guess it was my understanding that a lot of young men go through stages where they are sexually attracted to their moms, and sexually fantasize about them.  I didn't realize it was as abnormal as people here seem to be suggesting that it is.  In my own case, it happens that actual photos are available to him--yet I had understood that most young men did go through a phase where they at least use their imaginations about their moms if photos are not available.  I had assumed it was a stage he'd eventually grow out of.

I know that other providers who are approximately my age--and I myself--sometimes have clients who are a lot younger and even though these young men are not related, I assume that there is an element of being attracted to a mother figure.  Then, as someone else noted, there are all the MILF websites.

So I guess I'm wondering why people feel his feelings are so abnormal?

Thanks again to everyone for all their replies.  The majority seem to be suggesting counselling.  Are people suggesting counselling just for me or for both?  The question would then be how to approach him for counselling and how to indicate to him that this is seen as an abnormal desire.

Someone mentioned Freud...but I thought part of Freud's point is that the Oedipus complex is quite normal and a stage that young men go through...not necessarily something that can be supressed, even though in 'polite company' we might pretend it doesn't exist.

The counselor can then ask you additional questions and make recommendations.  The counselor will probably ask about the kinds of relationships Kevin has had with girls his own age, among other questions.

This is worth acting on in this way, if only to put your own mind at ease.

-- Modified on 9/25/2004 7:38:19 AM

Angela, pay no attention to the psuedo-psychologist types here.

The judgements of what is right or wrong, coming from posters on this site, is moral hypocrisy at it's worst.

StudentOfLife is correct, if you feel concerned, you should speak with a professional and outline your situation as you have here.

Let a REAL professional guide you on this. All the Lucy Van Pelt, nickel psychological counselors on TER are full of themselves.

I've given it some thought, and I would like to volunteer to talk with your son. I don't know what part of the country you live in, or whether you would even consider it, but I have worked in this area before and would like to help.

You can email me at [email protected] and you can also allow him to email me, too, if that works.

I hope you'll let me try.