Hello,
I've posted on the newbie board, and with the help there received, recently made my first entry into the hobby. I'm married and going into that encounter, expected to feel either a lot of guilt or an amazing amount of exuberance...
Instead, the main emotion I felt during that hour was awkwardness; and afterwards, it was RELIEF. I've had a lot of resentment build up towards my wife, and it was amazing to be able to let it all go.
I had tried other ways to deal w/ our problems, but I didn't even realize how much anger I had in my heart. Now whenever, my wife would say something or rake the trigger of some issue that'd usually get steam risng, it passes; in the back of my mind, I think, it's okay, I'm going to get my time next week.
It is to be aware of that once you start, you're going to want to do it again. Still the $ spent was worth a whole lot more than any psych or marriage counselor. I feel that I can be a better husband when I'm home w/out this baggage, and perhaps eventually if I'm different, she'll reflect that as well.
I appreciate the time and help I've received from veterans and kind providers here; I still consider myself a newbie, but am glad to join the community. I'd like to hear from other married hobbyists of their thoughts. (Some I've read in posts below)
New experiences occur each day.
Thank you for sharing yours with us.
Well, I'm not actually married, though I've lived with my SO for some 23 years, so I'm about as close to being married without being so.
For the first 22 years I was totally faithful to her, and I still do love her very much.
I remember the blissful weekends, long ago, when I couldn't keep track of how many times we had sex. Then, as the years passed, we arrived at the point where we only were intimate 3, 2, 1, or even fewer times per month.
I never was a Don Juan on the dating scene (only dated one girl before my SO), but after many of what I thought were flirtatious episodes with a pretty cashier at a gourmet grocery, I worked up the nerve to ask her out, and was shot down. That was several years ago.
The frustrations mounted, even as the porn DVD collection grew...
Then, last year, after many months of study-and lust-regarding the hobby, I finally took the plunge in the fall.
The first two ladies I saw, though I had no problem getting worked up, I didn't achieve orgasm...I figure it was nerves, but I had a blast trying.
The third provider, and with all others since, I have had at least one orgasm, though never orally---yet. I think it's either the same deal-nerves, or possibly the inability to develop the needed chemistry in just a couple or three hours. One-hour sessions? Forget it.
I have set up an overnight session for May where I expect to remedy the oral hurdle. The lady is exceptionally beautiful, but nearly all the rest were too. The difference this time is chemistry. We have hit it off very well in dozens of emails, as well as many hours of phone calls. So much so, that I think I could easily fall in love with her, as I already care for her, and it may be mutual, as she usually calls me. Got to be careful, neither of us needs such risky complications in our lives (she has an SO too).
This May session might be my last, as the feelings of guilt, worries about being found out, STDs, LE, weigh heavily, though I have to say the guilt has become the least on the list. As I tell my SO-probably more often than I should-my dissatisfaction isn't over quality, sweetie, it's quantity. I can't say a provider has satisfied me as completely as my SO. But she consistently avoids my near-constant requests for intimacy, leading to less feelings of guilt on my part. As with you, it is easier to just shrug it off, knowing that there's always "next week".
I agree with what you say about relief. There is great pleasure, but the relief seems to last longer.
You are right about "once you start, you're going to want to do it again", and that is a big worry, as I liken this hobby to gambling, and winning streaks don't last forever. I do think I could probably suppress the urge if I was satisfied at home, but that appears unlikely...
bowwman
I am glad you were able to have a good time and that you have released the negetive energy that was blocking you, your marriage and the bond with your children.
People, like doggies need lots of affection. If I don't play with my dog and love on her everyday, she turns BAD DOG and fast chewing up everything in sight.
People need affection too. People who are well loved and cared for hardly ever end up in the pound.
I am glad you were smart enough to accept affections else where.
I don't know why on earth some women think If they sexually starve their mates, the relationship will improve.
Glad you had a good time!!
sexymaddy
Same here, on a providers point of view. My own I mean.
When I started in this, I thought With all the misconceptions in the world about this the oldest job in the books that I would feel really wierd about doing it.
When in reality, a huge sense of satisfaction, boost in my self esteem and worth, and a little bit of empowerment wasn't what I was expecting. I like to look at people in a different way. They may look bad, but in all actuality, they are truly beautiful on the inside. What they can do if given the chance was very enlightening to say the least. You and They deserve some TLC and if you can't get it at home...let one of us make you feel special.
That is what makes me ONE of the best GFE. The fact that I care...how you feel.
xoxo
Diana
I've been exactly where you are and had same reaction to early hobbying- relief, dissipation of anger toward my wife, and treated her better.
However, prepare for the next phase and accept one warning for what it's worth.
The next phase is the sauving of your anger by visits will pass and the relationship with your wife will go back to status quo, and your anger will build again. You can not expect a bandaid to heal the issues in your marriage that brought on the anger.
The warning- you'll begin to think you are getting from the ladies you see what you are not getting in your marriage and get confused. One of three things will happen.
1)- you'll start having feelings for one or more of your ladies.
2) You'll realize the marriage is a goner and start to want divorce
3) Hopefully you'll figure out what it is all about and enjoy the ladies just for the companionship and sex and not expect more, and treat your marriage as a separate issue that needs to be either worked on or dissolved.
Hope that helps for what it's worth (exactly what you paid for it!)
-- Modified on 4/5/2008 12:08:10 PM
-- Modified on 4/5/2008 12:09:10 PM
I thik thats really Great advice...
I too have been where you are. I have been in the hobby for about a year. I started after my SO of 20+ years decided she wanted out. I was monogamous the entire time but with that revelation I decided I needed to see what I was missing all those years. Long story short, my SO had a change of heart and although there are still issues, things are better between us including sex which was almost nonexistant before. I only hobby 3-4 times a year but it helps me keep sane. Better than the therapists we tried over the years. Above all, keep the hobby in perspective. It doesn't replace your marriage but in my case may save it.
Sneaking around on your wife through hobbying is not the answer. Some that are suggesting it are coming from a place of wanting to justify their own actions. You're actually compounding your exiting problem with another. It's like putting gasoline on the situation.
First, you have not addressed the core issue of yoru anger. Like the one sane person on this board mentioned, it's only a bandaid and a pretty bad bandaid at that. At the end of the day, that problem is still going to be there.
Second, you'll soon find that hobbying is just as unsatisfying if not more than the relationship with your wife. The providers will not love you...it's still a transaction. They are creating a fantasy. Unless, you easily buy into it, you will eventually leave with an empty feeling if you are looking for anything other than animal sex.
Third, have you considered that you may also have contributed to resnetment in her too. It takes two to tango. You may be doing things that causes her to act the way she does. Sometimes, women bottle up their resentment and take it out on you in indirect ways. Sometimes, the only way to solve it is to tackle the issues head on and get it resolved. I wish I could pat you on the back, but I just think you are making a big mistake. Huge. Hobbying is not the answer. I've never understood married guys that hobby and then recommend it to others. Why don't you just stop looking at the reviews and start thinking of how can I be a better husband or how I can make the situation better? Certainly, this will make it much worse.
There is certainly something to be said for couples therapy and I wouldn't put down anyone for trying; but it is mostly for naught.
When a wife won't or can't satisfy her spouse's desires, he is left with few good choices and hobbying is the best of the bunch.
He can stifle his interest till it gets to the point of acting out badly, or pursue an affair with disasterous consequences for all involved.
Looked at this way, sex with a professional and disceet provider is the best alternative and is also time tested.
Well I think you and devil's advocate both have a point. I do think for some people couple's therapy can be very helpful and even reenergize a sexual relationship. The main problem with couples therapy is that couples usually wait until there has been so much damage to the relationship that it is hard to repair.
I am divorced and I enjoy the fantasy and emnbrace it so I do not find this unsatisfying at all. Its certainly not intimacy like a real relationship however.
I don't think there is much question that if your spouse is not interested sexually you should at least ask the question of yourself about how you may be contributing to this problem and then try to do something about it. Now it may be that there is nothing you can do but sometimes all a person needs to do is to pay more positive attention to their spouse.
I agree that hobbying is a better alternative than an affair if you want to stay married because you will most likely get caught and/or develop a deeper emotional attachment in an affair.
So actually all situations are different and for people who feel they have found an answer to an unsatisfying marriage with hobbying good for them. Just realize that the problems with your spouse are relational and do not soley reside within your spouse.
Everybody's mileage varies, but his observation lines up with mine, that his SO was already emotionally and physically sandbagging him, and hobbying allowed a low profile escape.
Again, YMMV (and you notice neither Chuck Manson nor Dr Fill has weighed in), but I suspect that what most guys are looking for is a combination of getting off AND emotional acceptance, no matter how temporary.
IOW, generally, women want to know that a man likes them enough to pay their bills, and a man wants to know that a woman likes him enough to take his spunk - and in both cases, the act and the vibe needs to be consistent. The rest is details.