I am conflicted and more so by the day.  Due to a previous announcement I made here on the board I have seriously engaged in personal reflection and a lot of personal self development(i.e., self help books and audio tapes).

As I study personal self development more it seems that one cannot live a lie and truly achieve personal happiness.  The HOBBY as great as it has been for me is a lie.  No one knows this part of my life.  (No one!)  How can you truly have happiness and personal self development if you live a lie?  

But here is where I am torn:  I still feel this urge to engage in this hobby.  Right up to and during the engagement I feel excited.  As soon as it is over I completely block it out.  Mentally that cannot be healthy.  

Has anyone (Providers and Hobby guys) experienced similar feeling?

Can't speak but for anyone but myself, but I too at first felt great before, during but not after. I had guilt since I have a wife. But, I kept telling myself not to feel guilt because she can no longer give me the physical side of life and I didn't want to get "involved" with a civie relationship and all that baggage.

Now that I've been doing this a while I really no longer feel any guilt. I realize I'm a much happier person even though I can't share this with anyone, especially any of my friends. I do have a ATF which knows of my sitituation and she has problems too. So we get to vent to each other.

Just my .02

I think I was internalizing societal views about the hobby and sex in general.

Once I totally began to feel good about myself and why I do this, those feelings passed away.

I also think it sucks to have to live a lie, but no one said life is perfect.

Well - here goes.

Due to my profession I have had to live a very compartmentalized life, to develop and exercise the ability to be out of touch with my emotional life. For many many years.

Now I am older. And I have health problems. And other issues in my life, long neglected. And I've left a lot of broken relationships behind. I have been commitment avoidant and left a few broken hearts behind as well.

In recent years, I have become a practitioner of Bakti Yoga. A centering, meditative discipline, and a way of looking at the world, the phenomenon of material existence and the meaning of life. I have become more in touch with myself, with the purpose and meaning of my being. And I've taken steps to right the accumulated wrongs in my life - the accumulated wreckage caused by my lack of compassion.

Where does the hobby fit in?

Well, since my mindset is basically Eastern and non-religious, I do not have as a part of my ideal view of self and meaning, that it is wrong to be enjoying sexuality. My SO knows that I hobby. Same with what little family I have left. I have chosen to live in transparency as much as possible, though I cannot do so in my professional life.

I realize that life is a path not a place. There is no "ideal" in the material world. Imperfection, inconstancy, impermanence are the order of the day in the phenomenon we call "life".  The "prime directive" if you will is compassion - toward others, toward myself. While it is true that my behavior has caused hurt and lacked compassion in the past, I do not see that denying sexuality is the answer to that problem. All I owe to those who care about me is compassion - I do not otherwise owe it to them to control or condition my behavior.

One of the ways that I show compassion to myself is by availing myself of the opportunity to enjoy the company of providers. I show compassion to the ladies by bringing the envelope, which provides for their needs, and by the way I treat them - making it enjoyable for them to spend time with me. They show compassion to me not only through sexuality but also by affirming the value that I have as a sex partner, even with all of my imperfections.

In summary - I do not feel that I owe it to society, family or what have you to quit hobbying. I do not feel that it is an impediment to or inconsistent with my path.  And it is debatable whether it is compassionate to inform a wife or loved one that you hobby. Sometimes dishonesty is compassionate. This one has to sort out for themselves....

Namaste

Gregory

Compared to the rest of the lies that I live with the hobby is a very small one indeed.

Do what you do until you don't want to do it anymore.

What is good for you now may not always be good for you in the future.

Just because somebody is one way now doesn't mean he or she will be the same forever.

In short, by thinking and wondering so much, life goes by. It is a process of figuring out. Take your time. Breathe. Enjoy. And be kind of yourself.