This is something I've always wondered.  

Many providers have said that if they found love in the real world, it would have to be a man who accepted that she provided.  Now here's the flip, you meet a man, he knows what you do, he accepts it and loves you, but he continues to hobby with other providers.  Does that bother you?  Can you accept what he does?


Edit: I should add that it's always been my belief that a provider wouldn't mind, but if he started seeing civies, then all bets are off.  Vice versa, I imagine that guys who date or marry providers and accept what they do would not like it if they started seeing civie guys for sex.  But having never experienced this personally, I'm interested in hearing other's opinions.

-- Modified on 10/23/2007 7:36:58 PM

....When I'm on the road, he texts me before he goes to an AMP (I love his stories about AMPs) or I call him with suggestions about providers to see.

Don't love him-dig him....but I suspect that if I met someone, actually I know that if I met someone & fell in love, it would be totally kosher for him to see other providers.  Seeing civilians for sex however, would probably not.

As a matter of fact, I'm in the market for a hobbyist boyfriend-civvies can't get with what I do LOL!



-- Modified on 10/23/2007 5:07:26 PM

It's almost axiomatic that if a provider dates a hobbyist, then each has to accept what each does and take that as a fact of life, even admire it in the other person.

Indeed, that's what I love with my relationship with Bev Fisher.

On the other hand, if either of us got involved with a civilian, what then?

Would the civilian start to sow trouble because they are not in the game?  Would there be a certain cosmic imbalance that would lead to the disolution of the whole relationship?

I wonder if there are any records of such relationships?

I bet I know someone who would know, and their initials are LG.

I just had to deal with this this very week. I was a provider when I met my soon to be husband 3 years ago. Now he hasn't been around the block as many times as me so I have always told him that if he felt the need to experiment that I would understand. He has always been so supportive of my lifestlye choice. He has always assured me that NO WAY would he ever even desire another woman. I said well if you change your mind just let me know and we can find you your hearts desire. Well, I happened on his email and noticed some contact forms from other ladies. I did a little research and found out he had been hobbying. I was so mad! Not because he wanted to try something new but because he lied about it. I am crushed. He totally misrepresented himself.

Same exact thing happened with me.

Met my S/O three years ago ... he was a client. (Bad, bad, I know) ... but I thought he was different.

Anyway, I told him that if he wanted *variety* I was completely okay with it ... just be honest. If he wanted to see a provider, that was fine, as I was seeing clients. "Oh no, you're the only for me."

Six months ago I found out that he had been seeing a woman from an agency ...

Like you, I was crushed with the lies not that he saw another provider.

I'll bet 99% of the hobbiests you're seeing are lying to their SO's and going behind their backs. You provide to these guys and evidently see it as okay. How is that different? You've had the tables turned on you and are very upset.

I'm not being nasty or judgemental at all, just playing the devils advocate here.

"One good turn deserves another" Right?

Men are, either because of genetic reasons or social conditioning, unable to accept the fact that they can have permission from a wife or girlfriend to do the things that you suggested he do; and so he denied it all the while intending to go through it to spare you the agony of knowing that he is having fun with another lady.

What we don't understand is that you feel worse about the deceit than the fact he is having sex with another woman.

Men just take the deceit for granted and assume that retribution is a factor of how much fun they have.

It's just another reason why things will always be interesting here.

The sex with other women doesn't bother me because it is a form of recreation that is for his enjoyment. I can accept and love a man who enjoys the company of beautiful ladies. BUT, he has to respect himself enough to accept that same fact about himself. We both have to embrace who he really is deep down inside when no one is looking. One thing I love so much about my relationship with him is that I can be myself. I don't have to hide anything. Now that I know that he wasn't being himself around me the trust is shaken to the core. I feel like I have been so transparent with someone that I don't even know.

feel that most women are unpredictable head cases.  Indeed, review of many divorce transcripts tends to bear that out.

But it should be pointed out that men seem to have some sort of neurological chemical imbalance that they keep going back for more & more, and banging their heads (both of them) over and over into the same problem.

WTF is with THAT?!   Just want to know, because I'm writing a book to explain Buddhism for Oprah's audience.

I have had the same thing happen. He told me he had strong feelings for me, wanted to be with me, see only me. Now mind you, we met off a sex-chat site at a party. He didn't look like any other guy I would have been drawn to, but his mannerisms, attitude, flirtyness is what drew me. He knew exactly what buttons to push, what to say, and how to say it. I found out 6 months after committing to just him...he did not commit to just ME. It isn't the fact that he was having sex with others, it's how he lied about it, and led me on. After I broke it off with him, he made me out so sound like I was the one who did something wrong.
Took me a long time to get past that, still hurts thinking about it. But to be honest...I wouldn't be where I am today if he hadn't fu**** up my mind back then.

~Say what you mean and MEAN what you say~

xoxo
~DI~

Women want men to say what they mean and vice versa, but men don't believe that women really mean that when they say it, so they don't.

In the meantime, men would like women to say what they mean and vice versa but don't believe they ever will, so they continue on as above.

I trust that everyone is sufficiently puzzled now.

I'm not sure. I work from a rather rural area, and it seems mostly what I see are married men who aren't getting it as good as I give at home.

If I was with a man who went visiting other ladies, I'd wonder if I wasn't exciting enough.

I would understand though if it was somebody who did something that I don't even like doing for money. He can go to crazy leather-clad doms all day long just so long as I'm the only girl he's handcuffing to the bedposts at night!

Nope, you pretty much nailed it there Mr Fisher, kind of  a vicious circle!

-- Modified on 10/24/2007 1:21:27 PM

bring a fresh perspective to this board.

I like maybe some other men on this board who have probably hobbied outside of our marriages and have never disclosed this to our wives have never brought this up for the single reason of  fear of losing our wives and family. Even if by chance my wife was open to the idea of having an open relationship or allowing me to see providers I would still be hesitent to tell her for fear of her thinking different of me or losing our closeness that we have. I personally have had instances in my life were I have said that I am okay with something and later have decided that maybe it wasn't such a great idea. I love my wife and just have always had a desire to see providers on occasion to fulfill a fantasy or just for the chance to meet a beautiful women that maybe I would never have had the chance to date. In no way have I ever thought of leaving my wife. Nor has my love for my wife ever changed while seeing a provider. I choose not to tell her because I love what we have in our relationship and don't want things to change. If she did find out I would probably stop seeing providers because she is definetely #1 in my life.

awe...ty sweety. I just hope I don't step in...knee deep one day. LOL
xoxo
~DI~

Maybe I'm the only bitch in the room, but here goes...

When I do provide, I don't have a boyfriend. When I do have a dude, I don't provide.

I would NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER in a million years tell ANYONE I know in the real world about this "hobby."

IF he were to see providers and I caught him, I'd leave... no yelling, no drama, just wouldn't take his call again for the rest of my life.

When I'm in a relationship, I'm faithful. Anyone I was dating who wasn't wouldn't get to date me any longer.


Katie