Long story...but I need help!!!
I am having a real problem getting over my ex-girlfriend. I need some advice. I've been with other girls since and still can't get her out of my head. There is a long story behind this relationship and we've actually broke-up twice. Here's the deal, I'm 25 and we first started dating when I was 18 and she was 16. We dated for three years and even made it thru her living abroad for 8 months after she got out of high school. When she got back and things were different but I chaulked it up to us being apart for so long. Well long story short, she broke-up with me, and married a guy she meet while she was away after she had been back for a little less than a year. She maintained that they were just friends untill she went to visit him in LA which was after she got back and we were still together. She said they had just kissed while she was up there, but knew it would eventually turn into more. That was very hard and I had a hard time with the that. I really made a fool of myself too because I really tried to get her to come back a few times before she moved to LA to be with him. I eventually gave up and after a few months I moved on and started my life again. All the while I still had not truely gotten over her. I was still always thinking about her...I mean she would enter my thoughts atleast once a day. Well during that time I moved to Atlanta for about a year and a half, all the while thinking that she would just always be "the one that got away" so to speak. I dated alot during that time, one girl even pretty seriously but she was always in my thoughts. Well I eventually moved back to Houston and after about a week back, out-of-the-blue I get a e-mail from my ex. It was a mass e-mail to all those in her address book, but it said that she was getting a divorce and that she is back in Houston now. I couldn't believe it! I replyed with a simple response "keep your head up and stay strong". A few days later she showed up at my parents door step.......my heart almost stopped. Eventually we got back together and had been together for a little over a year. I thought some higher power was giving us a second chance to get things right. All the time she was really pushing for us to get married. Once her divorce was final we started to talk seriously about it. Not too long after that she broke-up with me again. This time claiming that she has not had time to be young and that she needs to be on her own for awhile, which I know is untrue because she now has a new boyfriend. I don't know how serious it is though. Anyways we have been apart now for about 2 months, which brings me to where I am now. I am seeing a girl, but I am still missing my ex ALOT. I know the girl I am with now is "not the one" but I don't want to spend the rest of my life obsessing over my ex-girlfriend. I am in a bad spot and if you guys have any advice I would love to hear it. This time I know its over with us and I need to get her out of my head. PLEASE HELP!
Look at the facts. This woman has violated your trust at least twice and left you for another on two occasions.
See a psychologist or a doctor of hypnotherapy (a real doctor, not some guy who does party pranks). They will help you understand why you have these lingering feelings - that will help you better adress the problem instead of dwell on your ex. In case you are wondering why I didn't recommend a psychiatrist, they tend to prescribe medication - you would probably be better serve trying to use your own mental faculties to overcome this problem.
Almost everyone has trouble dealing with ex lovers. I suggest you learned how get over relationships (not just this past one). Kinda like learning to fish instead of being given a fish.
Best of Luck in getting over it.
Stuff like this (to varying degrees) happens to all of us at some point in our lives, and I know it can be emotionally painful. No-one can give you advice on how to control your heart, but there are two "rules" that I have never known to fail:
1. he who loves more gets shit on (I think you've already discovered this).
2. you never forget the last one until you've met the next one (you've yet to find this out, but you will).
There's one other thing. In time you WILL meet another, and she'll be better than the one that's causing you so much pain now.
Hitman, give it up. You're young, you may not have heard this: "fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me". You may believe "she's the one" for you, but obiously you're not "the one" for her. Life is too short to obsess over a relationship, no matter how much it hurts. Take the hints that have been given and go on with your life.
Jim
Where have you been IMIM2ME? The newer version is this:
"There's an old saying in Tennessee -- I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee -- that says: 'Fool me once, shame on -- shame on you. Fool me -- you can't get fooled again."
Meanwhile, to our friend with a broken heart, launch a quest for the perfect provider. This will take your mind away, and it will be only a matter of time you will be ok.
Till you find a new love, the pain will continue.
The advice given above is excellent. I think we all have been there once myself included.
Unfortunatly, you have no choice but to endure the pain untill time heals all wounds.
Hang in there it will get better if you let go.
First, almost every man over the age of 25 has been where you are at least once. So you can have confidence that you can get past this.
Second, more pain comes from the idea that there is "one" perfect girl for you in the world than almost any other concept in dating. If you think about it, there are MILLIONS of girls who would meet your requirements. The love thing is really about timing (for both of you) and context. This girl is going to be trouble for a while - do you really want a girlfriend who is looking over your shoulder to find the better deal? Or worse yet, a wife? Break it off completely. She is the "one" - that is the "one" that will keep breaking your heart until it is dead.
Third, and you're not going to take this advice. Stop taking things so seriously. You're too young to be worrying about finding the "one" and getting married. Take a couple years and just try to have fun.
BofP
I don't want to hand out suggestions. I will tell you something which helps me. I believe many men have a Kryptonite woman at some point in their life. I don't know how to spell kryptonite so forgive me. Kryptontie is what takes Supermans power away, so, For whatever reason all of our man power may dissappear when we are with a Kryptonite woman. Find and focus on what you are Truly Passionate about in your life and see what happens. It can't be as painfull as the doubt you have about This girl and and you might have about yourself. Have some FUN!
This is a girl who knows she can come back to you whenever she wants, and when she is bottoming out on self esteem she comes to see you to get a dose so she can kick you in the teeth and find someone new to f!ck!
Dude, I can only say that this happened to me once until one of my buddies told me she was using me as an emotional tampon, and that I needed to get my ass up and out the door. Find a hobby, get out and live, pining away is a killer plain and simple.
You're a sensitive guy, that's great, there are a lot of wonderful women out there who are dying to meet someone like you. Your ex needs to quit, and you need to quit her. Get on with it, get over it.
I suggest a Road Trip to somewhere you've never been to clear your head and allow you to think outside of your current environment. Sometimes if you change your physical perspective, your mental perspective will follow.
Good Luck,
HPG
There is nothing more paiful than a broken heart. I must admit though, I do take a bit of satisfaction in knowing that guys hurt too. (I know there is a place in hell for me because I wrote that). I was under the impression you guys could just shut off your feelings when it came to women. I have not seen many self-help books designed for men who have trouble letting go. However, there are tons for women. Why would someone let a person get away when that person will make them the most important individual in their life? It makes no sense. And worst of all why do we, the rejected, humiliate ourselves and beg the one we love to love us back? It's hard to keep your dignity when the person you care about doesn't care about you in return. This is obviously coming from personal experience. I am sorry for your pain. I hope we both feel better soon.
Is it any wonder that this "hobby" is proliferating as it is.
I don't believe you deserve a space in Hell for your comment "lonelytoo" but rest assured men hurt as much as if not more than women when we lose at love. We're not supposed to show it though. We're supposed to get Tough, Hardened, biter, and ultimately massoginistic(sp?) Real healthy huh???
Hitman; You got Heart for posting your pain. unfortunately the threads advising letting time heal the wound are the soundest. You DO have to move on, you will meet someone down the road. Even though the road looks as bleak as I-15 north of Barstow.
For this to work you really have to mean your second-to-the last sentence ("this time I know its over with us and I need to get her out of my head"). You have to commit to that and follow it blindly. Why blindly? Because if you try to "wing it" and strive be fair and reasonable, she'll eventually come back (count on it) and fuck you over again.
On the one hand, while there's some truth to the saying that nothing will help you forget a woman faster than other women, the only thing that will really do the trick is letting enough time pass. You're too young to have the kind of patience you need to get through this, so you're going to have to learn it. Ironically, your current painful situation will help you do that. Call it a silver lining.
One thing I would caution against is trying to replace her. It's an easy pitfall to stumble into, and I'm personally having to struggle with that after recently breaking up with my ATF. Try to see more than one Provider, and have a good time with all of them.
Good luck to you!
....even though it took more than one lesson in the school of hard knocks to learn this, I now look upon every unpleasant experience I've ever had in a certain way & it's helped me to look at things with a lot healtier perspective...I hope it might help you in some way.
Each of us is to a large measure the product of our own experiences, good & bad. But in focusing on the pain associated with the bad, people tend to think of ways the outcome would have been better..blame the other person, blame external circumstances, blame ourselves, etc..but always of the mind that we've been cheated of something good. The plain & simple fact is we only know the present outcome about what happened..never the ultimate outcome of what would have been otherwise. Perhaps what happened was better than anything else that could have happened.
The only emotionally healthy thing to do with any experience is to remember whatever was good about it, try to learn from what wasn't so good..& attempt to apply those lessons to the future. Life is a series of ups & downs, & for me this outlook has helped me appreciate the ups a lot more, & minimize any negative effects of the downs. No one else in the world can really make you happy, only a fool thinks that way...happiness comes from inside your self. And the old adage may be trite, but it's true...happiness is ultimately a state of mind.
(deep sigh) This type of situation is easier said than done. I know how you feel. I'm the same age and I just started a new relationship after my 6 year relationship ended. I admit I am so much happier with the girl I got now... but you had a connection with this girl and the memories, the feelings, everything of the good past will haunt you. I know because it happens to me all the time. You need something to replace her in your life, mind, and heart. I know it's not a good solution but you need to slowly let go and a substitute for the object of your affections will ease the healing process. (Sorry, I don't mean to sound like a therapist.) My 6 year relationship ended 2 years ago and I still think about her. Let me just recommend one thing... don't try to hate her because it will make things harder.