Hey gents.
I want to test the waters with this...

I have been escorting long enough where I am really familiar with my own boundaries.  I found I was getting a lot of inquiries from people, asking for services I wouldn't feel comfortable giving.  

To deal with all of these unwanted inquiries for services or types of companionship I don't offer, I put my boundaries on my website.  I mentioned my physical boundaries.  For instance, I don't want to be videotaped.  I won't have sex in public places.  I don't want to be a submissive in BDSM play.  I will not ever do BBFS.  Those are some examples of physical boundaries I have.

Then, I listed my emotional boundaries, like I will not tolerate "bossy" guys or "rude"/"insulting" guys.  I won't tolerate guys who come to a date, spewing hate speech about minorities.  Just some examples.

In your opinion, if you were reading a provider's website, would such information come off as "helpful"?  Or, instead, would such information on a provider's website convey a "not sexy" image?
How can a provider communicate her boundaries without coming across as "not fun" or "not sexy"?

-- Modified on 2/17/2008 6:28:03 AM

I think is a good thing. That way hobbyists know what to expect or if they want something in particular that is not offered to move on to someone else, instead of trying to hint at it before hand, or find out upon meeting that its off-limits, and then having a bad time or trying to push for something you are not comfortable with. As far as I'm concerned, more information is always better. I'm sure you don't post it as --- "I refuse to see any jerkoffs that are looking for a sub" or anything to that effect.

If you think listing boundaries is a turnoff, you could instead list your full menu and state that this menu is fully comprehensive.

It sounds to me as if your boundaries (at least the ones listed) are pretty standard. I do see other sites that also comment on what you refer to as "emotional boundaries". Again, I think that sort of etiquette is understood. The problem is, that rude and insulting guys, never think they are rude and insulting so I'm not sure what impact it has anyway. When someone is condenscending, they rarely realize it, and often don't even intend it--they are just ignorant as to how they come across.

When I search a provider's website, the first thing I look at (after her pics) is her "about me" page. To me this is the most important part in my process of making the choice, and I am always careful to be sure that I understand her boundaries. Of course, I have NO fetishes (at least not that I am aware of), and so no "special requests". I would appreciate whatever information she wishes to share, including her dislikes, wonts, and dont-bother-asking.

I would'nt worry about coming off as "not fun, not sexy" - your pictures and bio should (and do!) make that a moot point. Obviously this is a matter of protecting yourself, and "nipping it in the bud" before it show up for an appointment.

I was married to a very beautiful Asian woman, and in those years learned that there are some really freaky guys with an ultra-powerful "asian fetish" that undoubtedly have led you to some difficult situations. I cant offer any really good advice on this, but Id like to reassure you that you are thinking on the right track! I believe you have an extra-strong need to be careful because of these types of men.

Still - I cant think of a better way than to clearly display this information on your webpage. You might consider adding a FAQ page that gives the "no" answer to all the questions you know you want to avoid. I have seen this a couple times with providers who I think really dont want to be bothered about certain requests.

Good luck!

Just like Zisk said, there is nothing wrong about posting your boundaries or "do's and don't" upfront. If the hobbyist cannot tolerate that, then you should just simply refuse or show him the door. There are a few providers here that actually discuss the "do's and don't" prior the session begin.

In any case, I was hoping that you would relocate to LA instead NYC.... ;-P

I see nothing wrong with posting boundaries, such as "No Greek", or no BBFS etc.
The emotional boundaries,(as you have it worded), may convey to some that you are arrogant or bitchy.
The same message can be put forth in a more positive manner, or omitted altogether.
In your case, it may not be necessary at all, since your reviews and reputation speak for themselves.
I simply prefer the softer approach, and one that answers my questions, as opposed to making more questions.

I can't be totally neutral here as we have met and I know a little about the personality behind the boundaries.  I like honesty. Posting your physical boundaries is a great idea. Getting too deeply into the emotional stuff, while very valid, may scare some guys away. On the other hand, maybe those are guys that you don't want to see anyway. I guess the challenge, as always, is not what you say but the way you say it.  I think that, if you can convey the limits in the context of being an intelligent but fun lady you will be able to say what you want to say.

Good luck in NYC Kim! I work there a lot and there is definitely a shortage of great Asian ladies for those of us who don't want to deal with AMPS and brothels.

-- Modified on 2/17/2008 8:50:21 AM

these type of "helpful" suggestions have the potential to come off as very "unsexy" or even bitchy if worded too harshly. After perusing your web site I have to confess that you have managed to convey your wishes without coming across as either "bitchy" or "unsexy".

It appears, to me at least, that you have answered your own question. Good luck in NY.

We all need to come from a place where people respect boundaries. If you have to constantly rebuff guys for bad behavior I suspect you may be attracting them by something you're doing... Sometimes, telling people what you don't like beforehand can have a "contra coup" effect (opposite of what was intended/expected)and they come in with an attitude of breaking you down or imposing their will and so on... Lighten up on your demands and I think you'll find people less defensive... if someone crossing a boundary and won't listen to you, politely return their money and tell them to hit the door. It's better to lose a little money than to tolerate indifference to who you are and what you stand for... Remember, this is a biz where many guys think they "own" you for the hour or two and back to my original assertion, think about who you are attracting and what may be some of the keys to that... Lastly, men are simple creatures who only need to be cajoled by leaving something for them to imagine, to wonder... etc... When you take that away, you're just a pussy that he's paid for and he will treat no better than what he left at home...


-- Modified on 2/17/2008 2:12:49 PM

Stating boundaries is an excellent idea, getting the wills and won'ts up front and out of the way will definitely avoid many, but not all, misunderstandings.

However, some things in your post raise questions that might be worthwhile to explore more fully :

1. bossy and/or rude insulting guys -- different folks define this differently, and ultimately this might be an "in the eye of the beholder" situation.  You of course, have the final say, but, when you relocate to  NYC you will soon discover that bossy/rude/insulting is the default setting for most of the population of my benighted hometown;

2. you wont tolerate bigoted guys spouting hatred of minorites.  Commendable indeed, but why would a hateful bigot engage the services of a provider of East Asian backgrounf?  Yes, I know, perhaps there's a superiority question, need to dominate and degrade element in play here, but it does seem somewhat strange;

3. you won't engage in submission/BDSM play.  Hey, I can't blame you, but do you realize the potential mixed/misleading message you COULD BE sending out with the image on your site showing you with some heavy rope wrapped [loosely] around your body?

Best wishes to you on your planned moved to NYC.  Perhaps our paths there will cross.

I would like to expound on number two however. Many "hateful bigots" hold no animosity towards aians, but reserve their hatred for other groups, blacks, hispanics, gays etc.

I find that attitude all the time, I am of asian backround. I can't count the number of times that I have heard comments such as "you(meaning me) are ok, it's those________ that we can't stand" or something to that effect.

Hi, after reading all the other posts and looking at each page of your site, three things I saw gave me even the slightest hint at potential problems:

First, you offer the GFE and PSE rates which could leave open interpretation to what all the PSE includes.  

The second thing is while I didn't see the rope one of the other gentlemen referred to in your pictures, the picture in the cop outfit with the handcuffs may make some guys feel bondage is part of the menu, even though I took it to just be part of your costume.

The third thing is where you list "fetish and BD/SM" as being on the menu.  This is where I think you are getting into trouble.  The term "Fetish" can include a whole range of activities as you well know.  By listing just the generic term fetish, you are leaving yourself open to every act imaginable.

I can understand how you would be reluctant to list every specific act you participate in.  Perhaps instead of listing the genetic term fetish, you can list some specific activities you enjoy being involved with.

Your reviews speak very highly of you, but I am aware a significant percentage of men who see you do not know about nor have access to TER.

While we have never met, I commend you for your willingness to be "up front" with your boundaries.  As a few others have said, I think the important thing is the "way you state your boundaries" and not what the bounaries might be.  

Preferred:  I like my gentleman friends to be respectful of all human beings as people.

Not the same:  If you want to talk bad about other races or other prejudices, don't bother filling out my contact form.

Just a thought.

of this trade.

You have a VERY, VERY long list of physical fetish play that is acceptable to you. Your physical boundaries (at least from an advertising aspect) goes well beyond what most ladies offer.  But these are physical boundaries and if you are attempting to attract guys so interested, then one way to do so is to advertise as such, (although there are legal considerations that I’m not at all qualified to address, as I’m no lawyer).

I suggest that listing emotional, verbal or attitudinal limitations (or preferences if you will) is better LEFT OFF your advertising. Rude or negative or bigoted or abusive people rarely see themselves as such. I would use your screening process to “weed them out”. Require either written or verbal communication of sufficient length to satisfy yourself as to their intentions and motives.

BUT, because of the “edginess” or “kinda out there” aspects to your fetish limits, I can see how you would attract some people that are closer to, how shall we say “the dark side”.  It’s going to happen.

TAKE NOTE:
IF YOU PUBLICALLY TRY TO WARN THESE TYPES AWAY, YOU MAY INFACT BE ALERTING THEM THAT THEY NEED TO MASK THOSE VERY SAME ATTRIBUTES UP FRONT, DURING THE SCREENING PROCESS, IN ORDER TO GET TO THE NEXT LEVEL.


-- Modified on 2/17/2008 11:53:17 AM

Ed, your whole piece was well thought out and very well stated, but I really thought you  brought out an excellent point with your last paragraph.

Texts is one thing but visual is a lot stronger.  Not everybody reads all the fine prints on your website.  Having your photo with rope bondage (that's the first thing you have after entering your site) would definitely send out an impression that you are a submissive.  You might also review all the photos in your gallery and take out the ones you think may be sending a wrong message, if there is any.

When men go to escort sites, most go directly to the photos first so you want to make sure you have proper representation of yourself.

The main (Welcome) page of your website shows you tied up with a coarse rope. Gosh, how could anyone get the idea you were into submissive bondage?

"2. you wont tolerate bigoted guys spouting hatred of minorites.  Commendable indeed, but why would a hateful bigot engage the services of a provider of East Asian backgrounf?  Yes, I know, perhaps there's a superiority question, need to dominate and degrade element in play here, but it does seem somewhat strange;"

I can see how some non asian men, while not actually hating asian women, get off on a little verbally abusive language like 'suck me you (insert race here) whore', etc, etc...

but yeah, i agree with the original poster is that its her perogative to not tolerate that kind of attitude or language.

I flatly refuse to put acronyms or state outright any sexual activity on my website. To me it's like placing a big red target on my forehead for LE(they go for low hanging fruit first and tend to leave the fruit waaay up in the tree). I have a very subtle way of letting my future friends know what they can expect...those that can't or won't read between the lines leave me be. Anyone who is indiscreet enough to ask outright inappropriate questions...well a polite "I can't help you" or the delete button is all that's needed. I rarely get anyone who pushes my boundaries. The men I see just aren't like that and add in that they do not have to know my every move before seeing me, just makes my job a dream.


I do state a particular type of man I will not see on my web site. I am very open and to the point about this. As luck would have it, I am not their cup of tea so very few even try. I really don't need to mention much about attitude etc., as I can (90% of the time) weed out those men who have traits I would rather not experience via phone calls and email communication. As someone has already said, they are rarely cognizant of their behaviour and/or attitude but for the most part, can't seem to hide all the evidence. This is where my gut level and observation have been indespensible to me. I have a great group of friends and seem to attract the exact type of friend I enjoy meeting.

As for you attracting a few who seem to push your envelope so to speak...you might want to inspect your web site content. That's where they get their first overall impression of the type of lady you are. As a few have already stated, you do have a long list of things you do in the fetish arena, so some guys might think you're "in for a penny in for a pound" type thing.

Finally, I am very atypical of the ASP's who post here so my view point and experience will quite likely, be very different from yours. I do wish you the very best and hope you see more of the men you like and much less of the men you dislike.

I like it.  I tend to be on the shy side, and appreciate a list of don'ts up front.  I can't see anything wrong with saying what isn't on the menu.

obviously has been at it too long.

-- Modified on 2/17/2008 5:05:15 PM

The physical boundrys are fairly normal, but letting it be known that you will not be submissive is a good thing to list.

Many providers ask the clients to be gentlemen and be on their best behavior at all times.  That should take care of the bossy, rude, racists.

Personally, I like to know what the rules are and seeing them spelled out doesn't bother me a bit.  But that's me.  After seeing your site, I would have no problem talking to you about my mild little kinks.  

They are thinking with their penis and don't care about reading everything you post.

Its all part of the game.

Try to enjoy the time with them and if you don't like them, never seem them again and talk to another friend or provider so you can at least walk out happy.

These gents just want to walk in drop their pants and have you waiting on your hands n knees.

Good Luck...Shane

BEFORE agreeing to take his money.

so both parties walk out happy.

I see nothing "unsexy" on your website information - it looks great to me!

Having been married to a (very beautiful) Asian woman, I think I can come close to understanding that your need to protect yourself might be stronger than providers of other ethnic backgrounds. Ive had enough run-ins with obsessed Asian-fetish guys myself, that I can imagine the difficult situations you may face regularly. (Incidentally I do not know myself to possess any fetishes, Asian or otherwise, at this time).

If you're still running into these problems often, and you think it has been long enough that the changes to your website should have taken effect - You may want to consider a more involved screening process, or perhaps also join a verification service?

Anyway, just my thoughts.

Good luck!

I like rules, in that it's easier to make decisions and/or figure out what to expect.

It's OK for proficient ladies to have a lot of rules, as long as they're fun within those rules.  But when I'm looking for a GFE (not all the time), ladies with a long list of rules are the LAST ones I'd consider.  Girlfriends don't tell everything they don't do on the first date, and sometimes rules can be broken as the relationship goes on.

Awkward grammar aside, I really like the quote:
"Once you get to know somebody as people they can no longer be an object of fantasy."

Where I draw the line in terms of the above quote, is I don't want to know about what stressed you out with your job, that you have a full day ahead of you or behind you, and your kids and your boyfriend/husband or any of that shit. Too much information.

My buddies have talked about being at a strip club and the girl saying something about her kid and they totally went limp instantly. When you're getting hot and heavy with a woman, that stuff is best far far away from your mind. But I'm not going to stop seeing an otherwise awesome provider because she mentions that she has kids or a man. Just don't bring it up too much.

I'd say it's the difference between being friendly and being friends. Friendly = perfect. Friends = probably not a good business decision.

But I think what you outline is fine. I generally think that communication about where lines are for you is helpful in determining if you're a good match. If you have a list like that when he shows up and is expecting something else, that would be a letdown and a waste of both of your time.