If you are married and your spouse gives you permission to have sex with(not date)other women, are you destined to become emotionally detached from her?

My weekend consisted of raucus sex with other quite young utr providers. Am I in danger of becoming addicted to this type of activity? I haven't ever really shown any interest in this.

Married men?;(and there are many of you)are you addicted to 'others'? Do you blame your spouse for this addiction? Many say that providers can become habit-forming(spare me the nun jokes).

My marriage was "happy" up to a point because my (now ex) wife and I just avoided issues and managed to maintain a working household, but it was devoid of feelings.

I think I am happier now with the freedom I have and the opportunities to see various providers, but I would be being dishonest with myself to say that constitutes the development of a good and happy relationship.

I'm in the midst of doing a lot of questioning on this subject right now, so I'm very interested in seeing what others say.

Therein I find the problem. SHE wanted me to experience this as a surprise xmas gift. I know the girls involved(DAMN DAMN DAMN!!!)and have harmlessly flirted with them in the past. They actually frequent my abode regularly. Whats gonna happen from here-on-out? Are they gonna think I'm fair game while the Mrs. is OUT?

I may have to ask them to refrain from visiting while she is out.

One of them can suck a basketball through a straw!


BTW; and girls out there who can do that?????LMAO I'M EASY!!

Of course he is bragging about it. This is OSP we are talking about.

Haven't you read any of his posts over the last few years?

'other' guys would NOT brag about being NEKKID with 3 young girls ALL WEEKEND? lol

I do question her choices though.....but damn!!

As you have opined on many an ocassion, "some people on this board have their chains yanked so easily" rofl

I honestly think that people like Madiba soooo want their psychobabble to be taken seriously that they start reaching for straws. To think that you were truly "asking for help" is the ultimate in gullibility.

and of course other guys would brag about it too. duhhh

You may have to lose at cards more often. lol

It seems your wife is even more forgiving than you let on. lol

You don't seem to have any problem telling other guys what is and is not "cool", I wonder how you feel when others are judgemental?

BTW I am not married, nor am I cheating on anyone when I hobby, so save the guilt trip for someone else.

I would err to the other extreme. Truth be told, I doubt that it is even possible for me to take you "less" seriously.

You do have the advantage on me. You may have seen a thousand guys like me, thank god I haven't had the "pleasure" of seeing a thousand like you.

I have NO interest in being with other women and do worry what message this may send to the girls in question. I trust my wife however. I'm sure she has shared with them the fact that this weekend is simply P4P. In fact we all have already discussed it. I was just interested in the board opinion. You're right, sometimes i do mentioned certain issues to incite conversation or "fights". LMAO

Gambler is also correct that i do have a penchant to brag about SOME of my activities. NOT the most mature character trait. lol

I am sure I have used the word "old", but never mature. lol

and you "inciting fights"? say it isn't so. rofl

and of course we all know that I am certainly above that kind of behavior.

thats like apologizing to MP67 for drinking! LMAO

not without becoming a judgemental asshole myself at least. touche. lol

I will have to disagree with you about Transexuals, I can't consider anyone with a dick "hot", but that is just a matter of personal preference. I don't expect everyone to share my tastes, nor do I condemn others for having their own preferences.

Well I guess you told me. I don't really have anything argumentative to say, and as OSP will readily, that's unusual for me. lol

Oops, forgot my own alias. lol

-- Modified on 12/12/2010 3:31:53 PM

I usually only book when pushed to by my wife. I am not that big into variety for its own sake. I do sometimes feel a bit detached from my wife because of the lifestyle we live and I work hard to fight it.

I make sure I make time to take my wife on a date each week just me and her. Like we did when we are dating. I also make sure we talk just the two oh us each day she is not out working. Every Tuesday we go on a family outing to maintain closeness and we are seeing a couples counselor every other week to work out our issues. That come from this hobbying life style.

If it was not for my wife wanting me to hobby I likely would not do so. It is fun, but it is not what I signed up for when I got married.

There are happily married men, just like there are happily single men.  I doubt the custom or institution makes them that way.  Some married men may be happy, but it is despite the marriage, not because of it.  

Anything can be habit forming, including marriage.  I remember a line of dialog from an old movie, Walter Matthow said in character, I think.  It goes something like, "A wife is overhead, a hooker is a reoccurring expense."  Come to think of it, there really isn't anything in between, is there?

Hence it is called a hobby, i.e., sex for fun and exercise.

Forgot that one, but it fits from what I've been told/have observed.
I'm 'happy' (single) btw, so 'our thing' is like bein' a kid in a candy store for me!

And it's Walter Matthau.

Real simple my wife fucks other men for money and feel guilty about it. She feel that if I am fucking other women what she does is not as bad. She for her own reasons thinks she needs to fuck men for money that has nothing to do with money. It is really messed up. And I have posted on this a thousand times.

If you want more search under my user name or that of my now outed alias (thanks to an aliased asshole) AnEscortsHusband. The posts go back to April on this and the erotic highway boards. Have fun with all that reading. :/

Obviously, that can be overcome by other factors, since many people encourage their partners to have sex with other people.  To answer your question, yes it can be emotionally distancing.  It's something that each couple will have to struggle with.  But it is unrealistic for either person in the couple to think they won't have to deal with this sooner or later.
Underneath it all, we are primitive creatures (which, to be fair, can also be a helluva lot of fun sometimes, right?).

If you're really serious in asking about this, and not just looking to brag about the fun with the hotties, you could talk to a good counselor about it, and/or go to couples counseling with your wife.

My wife and I were always the model couple.  Best friends, worked together, always each other's first choice for a partner in any activity...  except, amazingly, sex.  We had very little sex.  It was not unusual for months to go by without sex.  We'd talked about it, and joked about it, but never got around to actually doing it.

A few years ago I got to know a provider.  Never hired that particular woman, but curiosity got the better of me and I tried it out with a few others.  Not many.  Maybe once a year I'd hire someone on a lark, just to try something new.  Never developed a romantic attachment, never even found it tempting.  Still deeply loved my wife.  The hired sex was just, well... sex.  Kept it all secret from my wife, however.  Of course.  

Then a couple years ago, while living/working in Europe, I got into a real relationship with a provider.  By 'real relationship', I mean full-blown off-the-clock affair.  It was getting quite serious, and my wife knew something was up.  All my friends at home knew something was up.  It was obvious I didn't want to be back here in the U.S. when I was here.  I lied to the provider also -- told her I wasn't married, led her on.  But you can only cheat on two women simultaneously for so long.  Eventually, spread over about 6 months, all the shit hit the fan.

Long story short ...  This is how it's amazingly all shaken out:

The European provider and I agreed to never see each other again.  My wife, incredibly, has no hard feelings against this particular woman.  In fact, they have a sort of weird bond and once in a while my wife still reams me out for being such a shit to both of them.  The only woman my wife really hates is another provider who also became a relatively close friend.  This provider wanted to have a romantic relationship with me, but I consistently refused.  But she had the bravado to call my wife and actually defend me after my other life got exposed.  I still get an occasional email or text message from her,but I have to ignore them, because she is number one on my wife's shit list.  I know a bunch of other European providers, a few who I had some sex with, but many who I did nothing sexual with -- just drinking pals, mostly.  Or people I worked with in various ways, mostly schooling, some pandering.  My wife's feelings toward them are mixed.  Some are sort of OK, some are not, depending on whether my wife thinks there might be any romantic threat.  In general, I'm heavily supervised around other women.  This dog is on a short leash.

BUT (to get to the point of this post)....

Despite the fact that I will always be in the shithouse for cheating and lying, my wife LOVES what I've learned about women, relationships, and sex, and both of us love the new honesty in our relationship.  She wasn't so happy with the trajectory of our relationship either, and wanted it to work better.  Now we talk about sex all the time.  We have sex all the time.  And honestly, it's way better than anything I ever had with any pro -- and some of those pros were really really good.  I have absolutely no secrets from wife, and it feels great.  The women I knew and things we did are important parts of my life, and it felt horrible having them all bottled up.  Now, my wife and I talk about all that stuff.  We also talk in general about the psychology of relationships, the sociology of prostitution, the relationships we've had and continue to have.  Both of us have totally re-done our wardrobes and dress like celebrities.  We go out all the time, have re-connected with our most artsy, fun, and interesting friends, etc.  It's 100 times better than the 'dream' marriage we already had.  Basically, we are continually working to make each other fall in love all over again, every day.  We don't take our marriage for granted any more.

I know it's 'cool' among guys to sometimes badmouth their wives or marriage.  But it's actually not cool.  It's stupid.  It makes you look like a moron.  I will also tell you this -- and ladies feel free to back me up on this -- ALL women, even providers, find it hot when a guy really loves his wife and treats her right.  You want to make hot women want you?  Exercise (!), use some soap, trim those nose hairs, and don't be shy about showing that you can treat your wife right.  BE NICE TO YOUR WIFE!  SHE TOLERATES SHIT THAT I GUARANTEE YOU CAN NOT BUY.  I just spent 5 hours helping in the kitchen for a party we're having tonight.  Now my wife's at the gym.  We had great sex this morning.  I have a BJ promised for 4PM.  I need to go take a shower, maybe trim my nose hairs.



-- Modified on 12/12/2010 8:44:38 PM

-- Modified on 12/12/2010 8:50:18 PM

"we are seeing a couples counselor every other week to work out our issues."

My wife and I tried counseling, but ditched it.  We find it much more useful to simply talk to each other one-on-one, and police ourselves.  If any talk is destructive, either one of us calls it out, and we stop the discussion.  This quashes fights and damaging stuff.  It's not a contest.  It's a relationship.  We're on the same team.

Sex work is intimate, and it's really hard doing a good job  as a pro and also keeping detached.  But it's just work.  A combination of actress, physical therapist, and counselor.  Your wife shouldn't feel guilty about her work any more than she should doing any one of those things separately.  Work is work.  You can support it by constantly reminding her of that, and not sleeping with other women, even if your wife urges you to.  You aren't the provider, she is.  

Maybe this analogy will help: I don't know what your job is, but let's say you're a plumber.  Let's say you feel guilty about being a plumber instead of a banker.  So what?  Plumbing is a good job.  Would your wife unplugging toilets make you feel better about being a plumber?  No.  So stop screwing other women.

But people have to be willing to learn and grow.  

Here's one for the board:  "Real men learn and grow".

Fictional or not, situations described are starting points for thinking.  It doesn't really matter whether OSP thinks he is "pulling someone's chain", if he is useful in bringing up the subject.

As far as this case goes, I've seen a thousand guys like you two, and they always turned out to be serious about the things they were "joking" about.  

 

My wife's best pal when I met her was a very out lesbian, who definitely had the hots for my wife.  I thought they were dating.  My wife also thought I was gay, based on my gay/bi friends and general non horndog attitude.

So, she actually wasn't surprised.  All part of the adventure.  So what?  Transexuals are hot.  Ever meet one?  Real females are often amateurs at being female.  

And anyway, GaGamblerssmarterbrother, I was just responding to the original topic -- which was about happy (or not) marriages.  As for what is or is not 'cool', that's not me, that's just an observation.  So relax.  Sorry for the offense.

Scoed, based on what you have said, a therapist with a cognitive therapy orientation may be helpful for your wife ( as compared, for example, to a therapist with a psychodynamic orientation).

You are accurate and realistic when you say that she has been "programmed" by life experiences to think this way. In cognitive therapy, a person can come to understand that beliefs like this are really just "ideas", no matter how powerfully they may be felt, and ideas can be unlearned and replaced with healthier and more realistic ways of thinking.

You cheated on your wife behind her back and say it was good for your marriage? Yes, I have slept with other women while I am still mostly happily married, but I never cheated without here permission. I never lied about getting some side action, and I defiantly did not have a full blown affair.

Yet, you have the gull to tell me that, I am not treating my wife right because I see providers at my wife's request? Dude, I do not doubt that you love your wife, and everyone screws up. But today it was the second time you went after me and my marriage, while having now admitting done worse things in your own then I shared.

I will be the first to admit that I at times have been a horrible husband. I did some completely selfish things. But, I love her and would never intensionally hurt her. So, why do you keep going after me and my marriage in such a public way? If you have concerns PM them to me I know you have VIP as you have PMed me in the past.

I am glad that things worked out for you and your wife. You learned not to take your marriage for granted, with is good. It is something I learned the hard way myself. (No not by cheating on her, but in other perhaps more hurtful ways.) I do think you have something to share, just don't be so judgmental of others as everyone is somewhere else in there marriage.

"If you are married and your spouse gives you permission to have sex with(not date)other women, are you destined to become emotionally detached from her?"

No. Becoming emotionally detached would require two things. First, for your spouse not to meet your emotional needs. Second, for another woman to meet them consistently.

"Am I in danger of becoming addicted to this type of activity?"
Depends on the person. Some people are just prone to addictions, and others aren't. If you aren't generally prone to addictions, it probably isn't a risk.

"Married men?;(and there are many of you)are you addicted to 'others'?"
No. No addiction at all. If there were, I wouldn't be able to do it on the schedule I follow.

"Do you blame your spouse for this addiction?"
There is no addiction.

Fundamentally, I am responsible for my own behavior.

True, behavior occurs within a context in which one's spouse plays a role; but ultimately booking a provider is too complex an action for it to be incidental or accidental. It is done with planned intent.

Scoed, yea, obviously you know your relationship best.  And I get you on the self esteem.  A big problem with some people I know too.  Good luck.  Still hard to believe that you sleeping with other women is really the long-term solution.  Unless maybe it gives you a chance to 'share' the lifestyle.  I know my friends have appreciated being able to talk to me about it, sometimes.

Hey, scoed, sorry.  Really, I'm not trying to go after your marriage.  Just tossing out my opinion.  And yea, I'm hardly proud of the way I handled my marriage.  The only reason I'm in the decent spot I am is that my wife is a saint.

Believe me, I'm not as judgmental as maybe I seem.  Totally not.  Opinionated, sure.  Because without opinions, what's the point of a message board?  That's all we have to offer here -- opinions and experiences.  But dude, you definitely don't need to worry about some dork-ass like me in front of a keyboard somewhere.

Can you have a happy and good marraige with honesty.. You are not attracted to your wife, She is not attracted to you or the sex betweeen you is just not good for one or both. Someone is honest enough to own it and say I am not an a sexual being. I need this in my life...

Otherwise the marriage is good..
We all need to feel, needed, wanted, loved, attractive, and worthy...We all like variety at some point in our life.. As the ex BF used to say. I love cheesecake but sometimes I want strawberries.. Woman want it too. We just are not allowed to express it or talk about it.....

I'm happily married...but in a sexless marriage.  By that I mean, we have sex maybe 3 or 4 times a  year.   We get along fine otherwise, but physical intimacy is limited to non-existant.  Make no mistake, this "hobby" can become a difficult to kick compulsion.  If not addictive, it is at least habbit forming.  Sex can evoke a dopamine response in the brain, much like a narcotic.  You can chase this like a drug.  I've always been an adrenaline junkie so this is right up my alley unfortunately, and difficult to stop.

You are on point.  Marriage is a good thing.  However, we all need some variety but we are all scared to admit it or talk about it openly.  
I actually believe hobbying improves the marriage because you have less pressure and be more relaxed about marriage and family issues.  This leads to better sex on the homefront.   Just my experience.

Not really. But it gives me a reason to pop open another cold one! lol!!!

In know this feeling. I hobby with only young women 18-25, so I won't be emotionally attached or feel like I'm substituting for my wife. BUT, I really like some of these girls. How lucky we are to have them. I've met some great young women and we've had dinners and sleepovers and I'm still married and I love some of these girls.

scoed, we all do stupid and foolish things.  I surely have, on all fronts.  I have learned to apologize if necessary and move forward.  You can't change the past, but you can make the future whatever you like.

You honestly seem like a super great guy, and your wife sounds nice too.  I wish you both the best.  Regardless of what you both seem to think, I think you deserve it.

And as you know, I'm a Guy On The Internet.  So my opinion should be taken very seriously.