I am really in love with this girl and I want to marry her but I want to come clean, honest, and truthful. I want to tell her that:

"I like to have sex with many very beautiful women and I have been having sex with many very beauituf women through this hobby while we are dating. Remember those times when you said no and I was happy that you said no. Well now you know!. I will continue this hobby even after we are merry and have kids. I only do it just simply for the phyiscal pleasure nothing more. I will only love one girl for rest of my life-YOU. If you something is wrong with your heart and you need a heart transplant and my heart will fit and work--TAKE MY HEART. I rather live in you and without you"

Should I?

It reads like your heart is not in the right place to begin with and her heart has no say at all in the matter.

Forget the transplant. This sounds like BYPASS.


Cheers!

Choose your Idiom more carefully~~ LOL

How about this??

When she replies that those times when you can't reach her she's been out on a date as an escort.

That it means nothing emotionally but that she's been able to make some extra cash very quickly and easily and she's not prepared to quit any time soon and you'll have to accept her this way in marraige~~as a Provider.

You know Honesty and all.

Elise [email protected]

Oh, good, I'm glad you're being honest with me. It helps me be honest with you. You know those times when I said no, and then you went and played golf? And I was happy you went to play golf?
Well I had someone come over. He rocks my world, makes my eyes roll in the back of my head - but it's only for the physical pleasure that I see them..I mean him..and nothing more.
You're the one who has my heart and always will. I just need..well..nevermind..I'm just glad we're being honest.

She has a right to know what kind of person you are and the type of risky activities (from a legal and health perspective) you're engaging in.  She can then make the decision to accept or reject it.

But they don't really say why they feel this way.

That 100% honest statement would devastate 99% of the women who heard it. Don't even think to say it unless you are prepared to lose her.

However, sometimes we hear about couples who are able to develop an "open relationship" where they seek out other partners, have their physical fun, and neither side minds too much.

I wonder if anybody here on TER has that situation?

First ?. Does she feel the same way about you? If so, than because your feeling guilty about being in this hobby behind her back you want to break her heart by telling her she's not enough for you and her looks don't measure up to some of the providers you've seen. Yeah, that'll make her want to take the relationship to the next level.

Women are hard wired different then men and being "honest" with her to ease your guilt will also make it easy for you to continue in the hobby cause she'll be gone.  

What you have to figure out is: Is she more important than continuing in the hobby? If yes than quit if no than continue and let her find someone that fills everything for them.

JM .02

Seldom

Here is my suggestion...write a letter to her, read it and then burn it. She will never accept that. I would say that only a small percentage (like 2%) of woman would accept that.

DO NOT tell her, she will never trust you, you will lose her and you will be sad.

Shaye

Great way to get rid of her forever though.
BTW- If you can't see yourself giving up the hobby for the one you love perhaps you should re-think your marriage plans.

  CTToI.

I had to laugh when I read this post, considering how many members of TER it could apply to.  Wrong place to talk about supporting marital vows, no matter how correct you are, CTTOI.

If the initial writer of this thread has to ask whether to talk about something like this with his intended, he needs to kindly let this woman know he is not ready for marraige yet, that he is doing her a favor by telling her that and that she will thank him eventually, and go back to Relationships 101.  

"To love, honor, and cherish...forever forsaking all others..."  It is amazing how many people think these words mean so much less than "I pledge allegiance, to the flag...and to the republic, for which it stands...".

When the day comes that each of us can be 100 percent true to ourselves and to others, we will have evolved into a different species.  But we're not there.  

Each of us is an individual and each of us has our "secret" selves -- the degree varies.  My wife doesn't like me to eat Snickers bars because they're bad for me.  But I might have one in the afternoon and not tell her about it.  I don't think her friend Myrtle is good for her, but I know she talks to Myrtle on the phone and doesn't tell me.  Now ratchet it up one level...

I'm away from home on business for a week, lonely and in a hotel room, so I buy the dirty movie channel and get myself off.  Do I then call home and say, "Honey, I just jerked off..."  Of course not!

Is hobbying different?  At the risk of taking flack for moral relativism, I don't think so.  What's the principle behind the candy bar, Myrtle, the dirty movie?  Each of us makes sure it doesn't hurt the other person or ourselves.  Life is full of contradictions, and we live with them every day.  I suspect your intended will not tolerate your continuing in the hobby.  Whether you can look yourself in the mirror and keep it "secret" depends on what it means to you and whether you manage it properly.  Good luck.

I'd be fine with that.  Heck, she could do the Dallas Cowboys for all I care...as long as she wasn't always saying "Not tonight honey, I'm too tired from doing the Dallas Cowboys."

of marriage is more like 'going steady' - and you're great until something better comes along..

Her hubby is living my fantasy.

Break up with her now. You're already cheating on her, and she doesn't deserve that, nobody does. If you want to hobby, forget about getting married. Marriage is monogamous by definition.

Bubba, let me guess.  Not married, right? Marriage is much more complicated than you seem to imagine.

Look buddy,  read Sedona and Calmbreeze responsse!  There is your answer!

Honestly is the best policy in certain cases.  How would you like to play poker that way?  How would you like to be that straight forward with your boss, board memebers, or others who have a commanding role on your status?

-- Modified on 3/7/2004 2:51:08 PM

"Is hobbying different?  At the risk of taking flack for moral relativism, I don't think so.  What's the principle behind the candy bar, Myrtle, the dirty movie?  Each of us makes sure it doesn't hurt the other person or ourselves."

Sounds like great justification.

if the wife found out about the Snickers, would it bother her as much as the girl?


I mow my neighbor's lawn, he gives me $25 cash. I don't report it on my income taxes.

I run a pizza joint, it generates 150k/year in income, I report 30k.

I run a gambling book, clear 5M/year, and report 50k on my income.

All three are tax evasion...but one of them no one will get upset about, the second will probably get you a fine, and the third jail time.

I wanna make sure I understand this; You wanna inform your fiancee that throughout your relationship you have been seeing providers?? Further, you wanna inform her that you will not discontinue seeing providers? You also wanna include all the usual folderol including, but not limited to: it's only physical, I love only you, I want you to be the mother of my children, etc.
  ARE YOU CRAZY?? Have you lost your senses, man?? Whatever bad habits in which you have been indulging have rotted your brain cells.
  Listen pal, women are loaded with estrogen. This chemical allows them to recall with exactitude every deed and statement you have made; especially, the most fucked-up ones. If you decide to go with this "Honesty is the Best Policy" nonsense; if you're lucky, she'll dump you. If you're not lucky, she'll remind you of the above until either: one, you divorce; or two, you strangle the bitch.

Moral relativism?  we all practice it.

Classic case is the one concerning sexual molestation of you child.

Scenario:  

You are divorced from your spouse, and the ex-spouse has custody of the child who is 8 uears old.
You know for a fact the child is being sexually molested by your ex spouse.
You kidnap the child to prevent the molestation.
The Court says you have to tell them where the child is or face jail time.

Do you tell the court or committ a lie of omission?

TET

Marriage can be just about abything. At one time in the USA, bi-racial marriage was illegal because conservatives claimed that marriage, by definition, could only be between people of the same race.

TET.

TET

And then come back and tell us the results.

We could use the laugh.

OK if it was me, I would say, you greedy piece of poop, you should have brought these fine ass women home to us. What about me? Learn to share.

Honesty is important in a marriage. If this is who you are, and she can't accept it, its bad for your marriage. One lie leads to many others, and they escalate. One day you wake up and you can't keep it all straight. Then you die.

Tell her. Or don't get married. You owe it to her to be honest if you love her.

Then again, I don't see no ring on this finger and I am right in the smack of my sexual prime. And I do so love my various prime ribs. And for now, I'll keep doing it, and doing it, and doing it well. Dang, if my husband was whacking off to porn, or visiting an escort and I wasn't there, I'd at least love to hear all the juicy details. Peace.

I am have to say, by all means tell the truth. If she asks you a question, never, never lie. I also don't think volunteering information that will only hurt is in anyway "noble". If the only reason you want to tell her is to make yourself feel better. Then shut the hell up about it. If you don't like lying to her then don't. If you don't want to spend time with her and would rather see an SP. When she asks you what your plan for the night are, tell her the truth. Then be willing to accept the consequences for your lifestyle. You never know, it may appeal to her. It is a gamble, but on the whole I don't think there is anything I detest more than a liar.

I have read your posted reviews.  You like young women and you like a GFE session.  If you marry, you will be married to a person who will not stay young and will become a wife rather than a girl friend.  If you plan to have a sexual relationship with your wife, you will have to reach into yourself (as will she) and find a different basis for that sexuality.  That isn't simple and takes a lot of effort.

Your note indicates you are very satisfied with your sexual experiences and don't see any reason to change or grow.  That is OK if that is the choice because you get to make the choices in your life.  However, you will just set yourself and your wife up for problems later if you don't think this through and decide if you want to (and are able to) grow.  

My $0.02... Harry

Reon't get married

In my mind, I did not cheat on her. I hired a provider to do a job for me, nothing more, no feelings, no careing. If I dream having sex with another woman, do I cheat on her?--NO. This hobby is the same. Honestly, I rather have her have sex with another man purely for physical for something that I cannot provide than having feelings for someone, man or woman, and no sex ever.

I wish all women understand that it is embeded in men's genes to want to have sex with many women since the beginning of times.

PROVIDERS:  Do you tell your boyfriend or husband that you are a provider? How do feel if your boyfriend or husband wants to get into this hobby?

You aren't married now --- no harm no foul.

Cheating isn't an issue here.  Your ability to substain a sexual relationship with a particular woman for the rest of your life is.  I am not worried about how many women you fuck when you are married;  just if you can can continue a sexual relationship through your life with one particular woman.

You are going into sessions with providers because you LIKE what you are getting in them.  If you plan to have a sexual relationship with your fiance for the rest of your life, you are going to have to find ways together to continue to make it hot for each other.  That takes energy, committment, and imagination.  If what turns you on is a hot appearance, youth, and a GFE -- that will not always be available in marriage.  Will you be a good lover to her then?  Will she be able to get it on for you when you change into whatevere you mature into?  

If she isn't making it really hot for you now, it isn't going to improve in the next 5 years unless both of you are aware and work on it.  You can discuss this with her without discussing any of your sessions with providers.  Do that.

Good luck in whatever you do...Harry

-- Modified on 3/8/2004 9:18:13 AM

-- Modified on 3/8/2004 6:31:44 PM

For the married man whose marriage is emotionally cold (distant wife) and sensually lacking, cheating is almost justified. But for you, you aren't in the position where you are have to lie. Technically, you haven't crossed the lie and are still single. Just tell her the truth unless you are prepared to attempt being faithful. Otherwise, you will end up divorcing her given your love of young women. And if you don't, she'll eventually divorce you and take everything you own. You both will be heartbroken, emotionally exhausted and you'll be back here.

In the best case scenario, she'll understand it's just physical or will want to participate or want to have freedom to be with other men. It works both ways. If you guys want the freedom to explore, then you best tell her she has the same freedom. There is nothing wrong with mutual diversification. If you have a problem with her screwing around then don't get married. Because if you are, she will be. Women always know the truth. Tell her or give up the hobby.



-- Modified on 3/8/2004 1:56:27 PM

I have 17 years of marriage and 20 years of a monogamous relationship under my belt. I know all about marriage and unfaithful spouses. My wife has cheated on me twice and I have never cheated on her. We divorced late last year. Now I'm free to play the field, much as I did when I was a teenager.

You can legitimize infidelity in lots of ways, but you are hurting your spouse. As I said, I know from personal experience. If you're already screwing around then don't get married!

If you become unhappy in your marriage and want to get out, do yourself and your spouse a favor and end the marriage before you start to cheat. It will be better for both of you.

Sorry to preach, but this subject has plenty of relevance in my life.

I must agree.  If you're going to get married and still hobby, you will regret it if you are sneaking around.

My marriage stinks.  My wife is not a bad person, and we get along fine, but basically she is scared of intimacy of any kind (not just sex).  Still, I can't begin to imagine the web of lies and deceit I would have to weave in order to start hobbying.  I couldn't face my kids if I went down that road.

Why am I here?  Just reviewing my options and planning my exit strategy.  Please, no suggestions on how to improve my marriage.  I've tried, but it takes two to tango.

I know we have been through this.  What % of hobbyest are married?  Isn't it around 50%.  Are the providers out there digusted with married men and consider them liars?  I don't believe this.  Somehow seeing a provider is a sure way to AVOID falling out of love because of the sex.  It usually reignites things at home.  All these topics have been covered before.  I really believe in don't ask-don't tell.  If my SO/wife goes away for work, I really don't want to know what happens.  Maybe I do---but we will all grow old and the sex drive will hopefully decline and I will be able to think clearly about this issue.  Is this the long slippery slope to a failed marriage?

So he should discuss having multiple partners, looking and feeling young and the couple's sex life on general terms...you just want him to leave off the part about him banging 25 college girls in 3 years.

Lying is lying but in a marriage, there is some preservation going on providing the hobby can be maintained to safe levels. To expect you can get all your needs met via one person, isn't realistic or healthy at at times. Some women aren't really into erotica and if you marry a woman and her drive changes, you either cut off your parts, buy some magazines or movies, cheat or leave her. Sex is a very small part of sustaining a marriage. Sex is like cooking. It would be good to find a parnter who can cook but it would be better to have an all around partner than a pro chef in house. If the man in my life couldn't cook, I would go out to eat to Emerils alone even if I had to lie about it. Like the guy with the Snickers said, we all have the things we value.

I think guys would be surprised to know that some of their wives might just say "that's okay dear. sex isn't critical here. if you want to see young girls, okay by me, just be safe, remember your priorities and come home".

If wives were accepting, guys wouldn't have to sneak and I think the sneaking is half the fun for some men. So in wives accepting it, some guys might get bored of the hobby and find a new hobby to sneak and do, like fly fishing.

my god this site gets better!!
i live to pay the mortgage, my wife takes me as an open wallet for her. We've no kids but i love her, to get closer to her means waiting for her day off from work (even though I work shifts Day,late and night shifts, but she's the one too tired!!!) if i mention sex, as seen on tv, I get the abuse of the day, then when i'm night shift she'll get the "Rampant Rabbit" out to help herself, How does it make me feel? that's why I subscribe to this site. Don't marry if your in the frame of mind i'm in now, it took her 12 years of being together and 9 years of marriage to realise this. If I am that bad at sex why marry me in the first place?