When I was dating civilians I never seemed to date more than one at a time except for one brief period when I was dating four. Then I met my wife and coned downed to one.
I have also seen a ton of providers thru the years but since I have met my ATF I really don't have much desire to see any one else. I did spend a weekend with three other guys and their providers and felt mildly attracted to one of the other ladies but not enough to swap.
I for one have always thought it was more interesting to try different things with the same person than to do the same thing with different people. I have a little mental check list of different things I want to try in different settings with my ATF rather than just doggie or mish looking at a different back side.
So my question is for those who have ATF's, do you find your fantasy life mimics your dating life in that if you saw a bunch of people at the same time that you do so with providers,or that do you find when you met your ATF you basically stick with her and just try to do all the things you have dreamed about with her.
Ladies same question. Different things with the same guy? Same thing with different guys? or Different things with different guys?
I tried it and it doesn't work for me being someone's ATF. I can't keep from falling in love with them and it creates big problems. If I had my choice I'd rather be a girlfriend then I can justify my feelings.
I expect that for some of us who really have an ATF, not just the Lady we like most at the moment, it’s very difficult to differentiate that from being at least somewhat in love. Maybe it’s a semantic difference so we don’t have to admit it to ourselves.
I know that’s the case for me with one particular Lady.
Months ago when I first joined TER I did a thead about AFT and really got a lot of BS from you guys. Ever since than many threads like this one have come up and to me it all comes down to the same thing, a lot of us fall in love with providers. I think many of us should admit it and act accordingly. When you are talking different things with the same lady and no interest in other gals "YOU ARE IN LOVE!"
It happened to me with the second provider I ever saw, but she insisted I see other gals and it saved my life. But for almost a year I was still pretty messed up.
SlowStart
-- Modified on 10/23/2003 8:46:37 PM
I consider myself still in love with my ATF, who has retired and moved away. That doesn't mean I don't have great, or better sex, with other providers... I do! She was unique and special in different ways than different positions, and DFK with others could never match hers, because of the other connection. I like the variety of the hobby, but would jump in a minute to be with my ATF...
Yeah, I love my ATF. She does not love me.
It works because we keep it professional, we both set boundaries so neither one feels abused and we live in different cities so I don't expect freeebie lunches or dates off the clock.
It works because I consider myself at the prime of my professional career and I am not about to give that up. Like most everyone else on the board I have to watch my finances and I could not support the life style she is able to achieve right now. I wouldn't ask her to give up her life style. She also has dreams and goals which she would have to give up.
I also know that being in love with someone is not living with them. The most time I have ever spent with her is 4 days. That hardly qualifies as a trial live in period. We do eat different foods and a bunch of other things which are certainly potentials for incoompatibility.
I do have to be careful. I have never reviewed her. People ask me who she is and I refuse to tell them because then I would have to kill them (lol)although I have taken her on group dates. I am also extremely goal oriented, stubborn and used to having my way. I would take her in a heart beat if I could see a realistic way of this working. But I am a realist and know the enemy of good is better (I know that is not the exact quote). Things are good, why rock the boat and make them "better".
I forgot to answer your statement. This lets me pretend I am Dr. Phil (lol)
If you fall in love with a guy just because he falls in love with you, I suppose I would answer you this.
Love is just an emotion or feeling. To be sure it is one of the strongest one like hate or fear but there is no reason to have to act on all your feelings. There are many people I can't stand but it doesn't mean I go around bashing people's heads in. And I just because I love someone doesn't mean I have to change my lofe or their life or anyone else's life. I can enjoy the emotion without having to act on it.
So, maybe I cut my ATF a little more slack than I would someone else but it is also a better experience for me to treat someone with courtesy, respect, and caring than just pure lust. Something everyone on the board talks about but a little easier to do when you really care about someone.
So my response to you would be don't be afraid to fall in love, just be careful what you do with it.
Some time ago, I had a "serious" relationship with my then ATF. The chemistry was such that we just did more and different things with each other, and the excitement of trying it all out and surprising each other was one of the things that made the relationship wonderful. Note: this applied as well to the non-sex side of our relationship.
Okay, some highlights: (1) Hitting the after-hours places in Philadelphia then returning to our hotel in the Four Seasons where she took a shower, came out in the complimentary bathrobe, took the terrycloth belt off, and tied me up. What followed involved a strap on and lots of lube. (2) Writing a chunk of a novel together: she'd make up the plot and tell me, I'd polish it and write it down. (3) In Maui, driving in the rented Mustang with the top down and the air conditioning on high, down the hundreds of switchbacks all the way to Hana. But halfway down, stopping in the rain forest, where she had me jerk off for her. (4) Having a Christmas party for all of her provider friends, where another hobbyist, who happened to be a Hassidic Jew, played Santa Claus. (5) Doing standing doggie in the bathroom of the airplane at 35,000 feet on the flight back from Maui. (6) Buying lingerie and having her wear it for me. (7) Going to a high-end restaurant in New York City and deliberately becoming exhibitionistic.
As my late father might have said, "I may not have much of a future, but oh what a hell of a past..."
It's not so much a multitude of fantasies or variety of sexual acts but rather just being with what I consider my ideal. My ATF certainly has enough costumes & lingerie and she is no nubie to fetishes, kinks and the like. If I want any of that sort of thing she will happily give it to me. I however am happy just getting lost in her arms while indulging the fantasy of possessing my ideal.
BTW- Slowstart; You're not to far off the mark in your post. Occupational hazzard for us I suppose.
FR.