I discovered this after a separation and I had some success with my business, figured most rich dudes do it. I have since got back with my ex but cannot stop the hobby. I LOVE great sex but this is sadly rare with my wife.  I found that many guys tell me that after the kids are born, the wife loses interest in sex. Whats your story?

Ditto.

Variety - not just as in different women but also different sexual activities.  What my wife is willing to do (quite a bit) she does well.  But there are a few thing she just won't do.

50 years old and married for thirty years, absolutly no sex for the last two. No sex that wasn't "doing her duty" for ten years before that. Had my first BJ when I met my first provider earlier this year. I thought anything other than mish only happened in porn movies. What was the question?

-- Modified on 6/21/2006 7:34:02 PM

If you would have said in Austria she would be right, LOL.

Sounds a bit like my story, except the no sex began about 1990, and doing her duty came right after our last child was born.  I didn't know women liked oral sex until I was introduced to it by the second provider I saw.  

I am 62 years old and married 41 years.  THis is the fantasy of my youth carried out--the fantasy of a young, beautiful and sexy woman who wants to have sex with me.  My fantasy as a teenager was the Playboy bunny--big chest, narrow waist and pretty face--and that is what I look for in a provider.

Two years straight with NOTHING and her thinking that was OK (not an "issue" because I didn't make a stink about it).

She's awfully busy with her graduate program. She told me she was too tired to be thinking about sex. She asked me if I would just masturbate for the next TWO YEARS until she finished school. Then maybe she'd be interested in sex again. I found this to be unacceptable, so I returned to the hobby I gave up when I started going steady with her. Depressing. My wife no longer wanted to be my provider, but didn't want me to have another provider.

It may all be in my belief, noted in the thread below, that some of us are born to hobby.

I've been married four times -- yep, count 'em, four -- and I consider myself very happily married now.  I've hobbied for 40 years - before and thru all the marriages and times in between.  In one of my marriages, my wife and I had sex at least once a day, and it was hot, hot sex -- sometimes we watched videos, sometimes we did bdsm play, you name it...but I hobbied, behind her back, nonetheless.  Was it variety?  I'm not sure.  

Why am I not sure?  The only times I haven't hobbied "for variety" have been when I was in an extended relationship with a provider.

Bottom line:  perhaps I represent an extreme end of the spectrum, but I don't think, qualitatively, that I'm that much different from other guys.  I don't buy the simple answer that guys do it because the wife doesn't put out.  The answer is more complex than that.  An evolutionary biologist might say we're hard wired to seek as many partners as possible in order to maximize the spread of our genes. Bill Clinton might say that we do it "because we can."  I think the truth is somewhere in between.  

I have no desire to spread my genes. I have no offspring, and have no desire for any.

I did not start hobbying again until my wife closed the doors.

I think this is ultimately personal and individual.

My story might be the same and might be a little different. Prior to marriage I had what most men might say as a "Posse of women" aka non-sexual female friends that I loved to have around and we'd go clubbing every weekend. This "Posse" of mine would for some reason attract other women to me. They weren't intentionally getting me.. "laid" so to speak, but other women were excited that a man like me could have platonic female friends. The conversations my "posse" had about men, they would share with me. They taught me a lot about women and what they like. So, I came to the conclusion that women enjoyed sex once you found that trigger that turned them loose. I was such a flirt in college that I got the nick name "The Gigolo". I was tutoring a woman in math and was flirting with her. So, she started calling me "The Gigolo", word got around. It was just a joke made by her, but it stuck. I even was approached as a provider once.. HAHAHAHA..  At that stage in my life, I was big into sports..  played tournament basketball, flag football, tournament USTA tennis, league softball and wanted to find a mate/wife/girlfriend that I could play tennis with for the rest of my life. I found a woman that played on her high school tennis team and now on her college team. I thought I found her. She said she didn't believe in pre-marital sex, so I waited. However, she didn't mind if I fingered her to orgasm. I, personally had to run home to handle my business. After we got married, A few things went away as did me being single... My posse left..(although they wanted to stay), My playing most of the sports except basketball and tennis. The wedding night, tried but hurt, so we waited. Days later, tried again, waited some more...  Finally, started having sex once a week.. (OMG!!! once) yep, once a week. We had our first child a year and a half into marriage. Second came 2 years later. BTW..  even before the first, no and I'm tired were her middle name... Oh!! and guess what... No more tennis with her, except when her old tennis teammates came over. I haven't become a paying hobbyist yet. I have had four affairs in our 20 years of marriage. I still take the wife on vacations to the Carribean (Western & Eastern). I still spend thousands of dollars on new clothes for each vacation. Even planning a 25th Anniversary 3 week vacation in Europe. If I had known about providers... I would have been taking them on all the trips to the Carribean. My problem is that my wife doesn't think about sex until she gets horney. Which occurs like a werewolf gets a full moon.  

Last but not least:
Been to counsling, counselor asked "Why are you doing this to him?"
Sexually, I make her happy (orally) and have to handle it myself because she was exhausted, after cumming once...

My wife just doesn't think about it.. It!! (Sex)

Similar to my story as well.  Had plenty of BJ's in the year and a half we dated.  Not one since the wedding band went on.  We also had sex 2-3 times per week while dating.  On our wedding night, my wife told me she was too tired for sex.  The following honeymoon week at a romantic resort in the Bahamas, we had sex only once.  After I begged for it.

In the first few years of marriage had sex maybe once every 2 weeks, and only in missionary position.  It was obvious it had become a chore to my wife.  As soon as she became pregnant with our first child, sex stopped completely.  No medical reason, she just flat out said she didn't want to until after the baby was born.  After pleading for 6 months after that birth, she finally said O.K.  Wouldn't you know, that one time was all it took, and she was pregnant again.  That was 14 years ago, and also the last time we had sex.

We talked about it several times, until she admitted she just plain didn't like sex.  She said it had nothing to do with me (I'm still fit and not unattractive), and she wasn't lesbian.  She just didn't enjoy sex, never had, and never will.  But said she would occasionally go through the motions if I insisted.  Don't know about you guys, but pretty hard for me to get and keep a woody up (even tho my wife is very attractive) when I know my partner is not interested.  So I never insisted.

About a year ago, my wife told me she suspected I was cheating on her, and that if she ever found out for sure, she would leave me.  I had never cheated (paid or unpaid).  But the whole threat thing pissed me off, especially being falsely accused.

That's when I decided to start hobbying.  Haven't regretted it since.

I have no respect for myself and more importantly my wife.

When we got married, I understood we both had hopes and dreams about how our marriage would go. I got, in my heart, that I was the steward of my wife's hopes and dreams. I have become a dream stealer. I have become a whore mongering, sex addict.

For me, it is in my service to my wife, that I get a great marriage. The moment I give it all up will be the moment that I get everything.

Now with that said... We have been married something like 14 years and have had sex less than 200 times. That works out to be sex about 1.19 times a month. I know it is not all her fault, but damn!

So my excuse is that we don't have sex that often, the real reason is that I have little respect.

Hi...my story?...married for 10 year...I have now 33..In 10 years my wife changed a lot.no sex for fun now.only duty...and I was very bored with this..I cannot have great SEX with my wife..is very difficult to get something and I renounced some time ago..so now I'm looking for a provider on every place in this world where I go with business. How many of us are doing the same with me?...the last time was in Germany...with a Chinese ...so this is why I'm looking now for providers...
And another thing...I will be probably in July in San Diego...can I have some tips from you guys?...some nice and clean provider to go in SD?..last year I had a bad experience with a girl in SD...a total ripp off...thanks in advance...

I'm neither agreeing nor disputing it; this reply is about science.

The desire to spread your genes is imprinted; it is not a conscious choice. The pleasure of sex in itself facilitates the propagation of one's genes.


-- Modified on 6/22/2006 8:23:04 AM

Simply put, MOST married women let themselves go and dont put enough effort into thier sex life. Love is great but the want for passion is more. You cant just be the wife...You must me the wife, the mother, the slut, the whore and the best dick sucker this side of Rancho Cookamonga *spell check*

Variety is indeed the spice of life...So either you be the variety or there will be variety lololololololol

I think to myself if I was a man Id be broke !
Id be a hobbying sunnama'bich, with my dick in everys mouth and a frequent flyers card at the local massage parlor. hahahahah

Ok well this was fun, HOBBY ON ! *smile*

Destiny

-- Modified on 6/22/2006 11:15:46 AM

Destiny,
You hit the nail on the head. I liked this part the best...
"You cant just be the wife...You must me the wife, the mother, the slut, the whore and the best dick sucker this side of Rancho Cookamonga"

In my case, I got the wife, the mother and that's it... now I visit with the best dick suckers this side of Central Floria...

I have used this alias a lot in postings.  My reviews are under "talltraveler".

I was married then divorced and now engaged.  Didn't start hobbying until earlier this year.  Why?

1) TER.  The internet and particularly this site has made it easy to do excellent up-to-date "consumer research" and actually find MANY marvelous providers throughout the land and connect in very safe ways.  Holy Cow - if I had known about this when I first was divorced I would have been way into it.  My advice for newly divorced men is "fuck as many beautiful women as possible".  High quality escorts are just that and all your sexual dreams can be tried out, languages, duos, etc.  What a candy store!  How therapeutic!  I think if you can break the means-to-an-end connection that says “I have to pursue a complex negotiated potentially long-term relationship with this woman in order to fuck her” it can leave you free to see what a real civie relationship can be.  Wish I’d done that.
2) I am sex obsessed.  Decades of thought and practice.  Have had the privilege of having several long term relationships (e.g. ex-wife, current fiancé) where sex was/is great but I am sort of insatiable.  
3) Some aspect of trying to sabotage current relationship.
4) Pre-wedding jitters – Last chance! Last chance!

So what’s the problem?  I could try to get real good at my secret agent covert hobby skills… and carry on.  However I am finding that I HATE lying – it feels very bad and it is not a “moral” guilt, it is a real disconnected psychological experience of alienation.  I want to live a life affirming existence and be that way for everyone I am with, me included.  It is bad for me and my fiancé and the universe for me to live a lie.

So I am taking a break from the hobby.  Who knows what the future will bring.  My advice for fellow hobbyists – figure out a way to find and live your truth.  Courage.  My advice to the current western culture – we need to be more affirming of the variety of sexual appetites and arrangements that are part of the wholeness of each individual.  My gratitude to the wonderful women – and I mean that – who work as “providers” – it’s a tough life, you live in a world that would judge you harshly and stop you if it could BUT know you are a healthy godsend to many of the men you see.  This work can be as important and life affirming as any service a person can provide for another.  

Thank you.

OK, you're arguing from a Selfish Gene frame of reference. To that, I have no reservations. Thankfully, I can have the pleasure without spreading my genes.

Cheers!

variety is the spice of life.

after the kids are born, spouse loses interest in sex.

different sexual activities

fantasy of my youth

Spouse has amnesia about how to perform sex

Spouse believes bed is solely for sleeping

Spouse is workaholic

Spouse thinks fucking is remore city in China

I think I've read these somewhere before.

Cheers!

because He Can..!!!!!!!   Why ask why?   Not married anymore but thought I'd just throw that one in.....

because I'm married.

Or maybe it's because I'm a guy.

I was just horny, is all...that's how it got started. Now, it's somehing I plan for, look forward to; it's my "secret life."

It's addicting.

If that were true there would be just as many wives hobbying.  They have genes to spread too.  LOL.  I think that is way to simple an answer.  Most hobby because both partners have forgotten to make each other the priority.  They let life's situations come between them and their intimacy.

It seems like many of you guys have non-existant sex lives with your wives. Have you tried talking to them about this or going to a sex therapist together or some type of sexual counseling. I think this would be alot cheaper and better for a marriage then just going out to meet providers.

Reo any of the married guys talk to their wives about sex problems?!?!

Not anymore...I did for the first 30 years with poor results.

I do it to make sure my equipment still works.

eom

Reo any of the married guys talk to their wives about sex problems?!?!

WOW what a response! I can say that the only time we talk about our lame sex life is when it suits her argument in a fight. For years we never talked about it, then after the break up and reconciliation, we were having great sex again but it didnt last. Now sex is rare and boring. I just love hobbying and find my friends all would do it if they could afford it. I believe that upwards of 50%of married Americans have rare and lousy sex. Would you get excited to fuck a fat women you have fucked a thousand times before? Sex is often the big elephant in the room that no one talks about. Sex becomes something people just pass on it life. HOW PATHETIC ! Porn is so big now and I believe hobbying will get much bigger thanks to the net and TER and CL.

I am married more than 40 years, my wife looks fine for her age and still wants to have sex.  But I don't find her particularly attractive any more.   Perhaps it is because I am comparing her 60+ year old body with a 25 to 35 year old beauty--the only ones I see.

Unlike a lot of the guys on the boards, I can't blame it on my wife.  It is all my own fault.

In our society, most if not all women will eventually use sex as a form of power over their husbands. Some abuse it, some don't even know they're doing it. All guys know this. How many times have you heard "I'd better remember her birthday, or I won't get any for a year!!" We all laugh about it, but there's more than a grain of truth here. I know I certainly thought that way. In the 25yrs. of our marriage, when my wife was still alive, the only time I ever hobbied was when we were going thru a rough spot. I found that getting together with a provider put the power of sex in perspective, even if only in my own mind. What this eventually led to was I was no longer afraid of losing that part of my life, I could satisfy it elsewhere. The end result was deeper conversation, deeper respect for her, a clearer mindset for me, and I think it made it much easier to work thru the problems we were having.

Reo any of the married guys talk to their wives about sex problems?!?!

Tried it several times. She says my needs just don't matter to her in the perspective of own problems. EOL

Very thoughtful.

I have always had a strong sex drive.  I think it's partly genetic paternally, since the same is true for most of my 9 sibs esp. the males and for most of the men on my father's side of the family.  My grandfather had many mistresses and children outside the marriage, as did his father before him (even moreso).  I think had the hobby been more readily accessible back then they would have been into it and my Dad would have probably had fewer kids.

I started hobbying when I began to afford it.  Prior to that I had some very satisfying serially monogamous relationships in which the sex was always frequent and often, mixed in with the occasional guilt-ridden cheating.  In fact, that's how I met my wife of 15 years -- cheating on my last girlfriend.  I've cheated a couple times in this marriage, but it's too messy and complicated and heartbreaking.  And I like my married life (except for the passable sex).  So hobbying keeps me faithful.

As for sex with my wife, same old story.  She was more fun than a barrel of monkeys the first few years into our relationship.  Kids made things worse.  I help with the kids and house a lot, plus she has a housekeeper clean regularly, but she is still tired most of the time.  Recently we learned she has Lupus so I can't blame her.  This explains a lot about all the changes that have occurred in her body over the years, including pain in certain areas (including erogenous zones), loss of libido, and fatigue.  It doesn't explain everything, like why she stopped enjoying DATY and giving BJ's, which is more due to the usual story with many wives, I think.  I think some women either pretend to or try harder to enjoy some of the more strenuous and/or exotic sexual activities they engage in with us while pursuing their mates.  Once captured, the prey no longer needs to be enticed and just needs to be fed once in a while to keep it alive.

Would I be hobbying or would I have cheated if the passion remained?  Perhaps.  But probably not as often.  And before the advice starts flowing -- we have had long talks about improving our sex life, etc., and she does try, ever dutiful.  But she just isn't into it anymore, if ever she was.  I should have seen the writing on the wall when I saw the lack of intimacy in her family -- between her parents and the kids as well as between her parents as man and wife.  The apple doesn't fall too far...  But she was (and still is) so damn hot, is smart and now has a great career, is a good person in general, and is a good mom.

I don't deserve her, some of you might say.  But I do.  I am very good to her and my kids.  And I continue to offer her intimacy (not just sex) despite her not really seeking it.  But I also deserve to enjoy getting my rocks off with hot women -- hence the hobby.

Phew!  Well, this was therapeutic.  Thanks for asking.