The minute you cheat, doesn't your significant other become a insignificant other?  Or at least a less significant other, than she or he was before?

I have always regarded someone with a true SO, as someone that is monogamous.  I hope I did not break any rules by mentioning "true" and "monogamous" in a thread.  This is strickly hypothetically speaking.

I think your question could come under is seeing a provider cheating or are gentlemen who hobby making anyone else more significant?
The gentlemen I see love their SO and just lack intimacy in that relationship they desire so badly and I try to fill that void. I would hope seeing a provider may stop alot of grief with a SO?
I guess this is my 2.0


-- Modified on 3/30/2008 10:20:49 AM

I've talked to hobbyist friends who love their SO and are simply seeking from the hobby what their SO can't supply.

In my case and some hobbyists, where the relationship is not at all good and supplying none of what I need where hobbying has worsened the gap by giving me a taste of what is possible.  However, sadly if the taste of what is possible is just an illusion.........

I've also been thinking about this myself recently. And my SO is still my SO. I've gotten into the hobby to fulfill my sexual needs mostly but perhaps just as much, the intimacy needs. This is why I really look for a GFE Provider. As I have gotten older and started suffering the effects of ED, my SO fairly quickly stopped taking care of those sexual needs of mine, which has also impacted our intimacy. Vitamin V does not always provide satisfactory results. It was, and she said this, too much effort as far as she was concerned and she was never that sexual to start. Now before I catch the heat, yes, some of the responsibility lies squarely on my shoulders. Our sex life was never really that open and I found it hard to really have an open discussion in that area with my SO. So like many hobbyists, after so many years of not getting it at home I have looked elsewhere. What's interesting is that since I have started seeing a couple of SP's recently, I have (and it's just happened, it's not a conscious effort on my part – but that's something to analyze later) my SO has noticed that I have been treating her better and being more helpful with the day to day activities of our lives. She commented on it which brought it to my attention. So in a twisted backdoor way it has helped in our relationship.

Sorry for the ramble.

Just my.02 ….


-- Modified on 3/30/2008 5:00:51 PM

Honestly, I think every individual person has a definition of what Significant Other means to them.

Monogamy is a societal and religious ideal.  We are taught as children that somehow being sexually with the “one” is somehow “right”.  In actuality, at least in my view, sexual acts are such a small part of an entire relationship.  What I mean is, I think how you each view sex and/or monogamy is vitally more important to the longevity and quality of the relationship vs. who you are actually fucking.  Let’s be honest, there are literally multitudes of causes that make sex breakdown in a marriage.  Jobs, pregnancy, children, ill parents, time, lack of variety, money, past abuse- I could go on an on.  

I think the key factor is to choose a partner wisely.  The majority of us pick out of necessity, not out of wanting to share and contribute to someone’s life.  Ironically many of the issues that cause marriages to hit the rocks are the same issues that cause us to marry in the first place.  When we come from a place of honesty about ourselves, our aspirations and our history we are better able to be a good partner.  When you are a better partner, you are willing to see how to help your partner to enjoy his or her life more.  In the realm of sex, we need it- there is no denying that primal desire.  There are going to be points in a marriage when things become stagnant, it is really unavoidable.  The real measure of how much you value that person is what you do about it.  The ideal would be able to discuss it openly and make rules and/or modifications in behavior to please both partners but most of the time that isn’t a possibility.  Mostly because the wrong match has been selected early in the relationship but you have history, a life you have worked hard to build and a relationship you are not willing to walk away from.

Do I think you should relinquish your vigor to a life of celibacy?  Certainly not.  However, how you handle your extracurricular activities is the real test.  It’s one things to fuck someone one, it’s entirely another to love them.  Let’s say your wife is working toward a degree of some sort and that effort, has caused you to spend much less time together and consequently resulted in your release of sexual frustration in the arms of a provider.  Now, let’s say your Mrs. has a free night come open unexpectedly and she wants to go to dinner but you’ve already made plans with your favorite provider.  If you go to the session instead of spending some time with the woman who has devoted her life to you, I think that is a serious insult.  Call, change the session to another day and you are being a good partner.

I think men who participate in the hobby are not inherently dishonoring their wives- I think those that choose to have emotional affairs are far greater offenders.  However, even in that instance there are some exceptions.  Life is all about the grey area: how you conduct yourself and honor others (wife included) is the measure of your manhood, not who you stick your manhood in.

XO
Melanie

-- Modified on 3/30/2008 1:10:30 PM

-- Modified on 3/30/2008 1:13:12 PM

Absolutely, it is important to choose wisely.
I do not concider what I do, for a living, to be cheating. I know even I was surprised.
When I first got into this business, I was not in a relationship and didn't see it to be wise to date.
Well my well made plans were shot when I met my SO. I still don't feel I am cheating. I can somehow keep this, and that seperate. To me, they are seperate.
What I share with the Gentlemen of this hobby, is no way near what I share with him.
I bring myself into my time with my Gentlemen, but I truely feel it is different.  Maybe it's just easy for me to keep it seperate, like a seperate life, there is Nicole...and then there is Me. You all know Nicole, and she is Me but not All of me. The me that my SO knows...is All of me, plus a bit of Nicole. I know it sounds crazy but crazy works for me.
My married or attatched Gentlemen I see are some of the most devoted partners to their SOs from what I can see. They mostly are in love with their SO and true they are just seeking what is lacking in an otherwise great relationship, by no fault of anyones...shit happens and some things get strained or lost in the process.
Others feel stuck by a situation and its a relief to see me to fill that void.
It is a choice not always the right one but for some it truely is.

whether a relationship is monogamous or not has no bearing on the significance or level of commitment of the relationship. many people are very happy and content with their mate on all levels except perhaps the physical, and then there are those like my Husband and i who have no problems in that department either, we just enjoy sexual interactions with others. of course in our case there is no cheating involved, it's all part of our relationship. however even in the cases of those who are cheating (involved with someone outside of their spouse/mate without the SO's knowledge or consent), many still care very deeply for their mates and have no desire to end the relationship.

the bottom line imo is that humans in general are simply not monogamous creatures by nature, and the fact that our society dictates that a loving committed relationship must be monogamous is unfortunate.

Humans are not designed to be monogamous... hunter - gatherer tribes were just not monogamous... however, as they try.  

Having said that, as we moved forward in time it did make some sense to  form life bonds (after all- a lifetime was less that 40 years...!).  And the work load to just live was significant, so that necessitated paring off.  We have not lived like that for some time now... although there was an artificial creation of the "house-wife" or "stay-at-home-mom."  But even these do not make a lot of sense given the education necessary to prepare the offspring for a life time of productive citizenry...

All this combines to weaken the bonds between a man and a wife... especially if the relationship is viewed by either partner or both through the lens of "traditional marriage."  What happens?  I believe that it is entirely possible to like (even love) your partner... but to be sexually excited by the likes of Britney Spears, Paris Hilton or LiLo, although you would never choose to be married to them... or partner with them even long enough for the need of a hotel room overnight....  (why do you think porn sells?).

I have male friends that I enjoy working with, socializing with and just being around.  Same for certain female friends... individuals in neither group would I care to have sex with, but would I enjoy seeing them for the rest of my life?  you bet.

On the other hand - I look back now at my failed marriage... would an encounter with a provider have made a difference - either positive or negative?  If anything it would have been positive because one of two things would have happened:

1) I would have gained confidence that, at least in the sack, I am an ok performer...  OR

2) I would have realized what I was missing and that would have hastened my divorce...

Either would have been a positive outcome for my kids, my ex, and me.  that is, the ex mrs. superdude would have either become more "significant" to me - or less.

There are no easy answers..... and answers are as many as there are pairings.  But a great question.

Again sweetnicole1, you are so right! As a 50 y/o, my wife just doesn't have the stamina or desire that we once had when we were younger (she is 3 y/older than me). We both love each other deeply. We have shared so much together, both good and bad. I would never want to lose her. Having an affair is not the answer for me. It would have too many strings attached. This is why I have chosen to consider a provider. Providers have a real purpose. They meet a real need. They provide the physical passion desired by so many, without the emotional strings that accompany an affair. I truly believe my wife would be hurt deeply by an affair, but choosing a provider not as offended. I guess because of the lack of emotional attachment. A provider is meeting my physical need that she knows I desire. As someone said before, just my $0.02 worth.

or on the other hand, maybe not. Can you have "significant" sex with more than one person?

Who is more significant, your mother? your sister? your wife? your girlfriend? your ATF provider? Is it possible to have more than one person be signficant in your life? Is it possible to have more than one person be sexually significant in your life?

Are love and sex the same thing?

Don't you hate people who answer a question with a question?

I love my SO.
I also love my ATF. (all of them)
The problem is the English language has only one word for love. The greeks had it right. They have several words for "love". There is "eros" which is sexual love or lust. There is "philia" which is love of a friend, or brotherly love. Then there is "agape" which is a more spiritual love or soulmate love.
Most providers I am in "eros" love with. A few, I am also in "philia" love with. However my SO and I are also in "agape" love, and I do not intend or desire to experience this type of love with any providers.
So, I don't think my relationships with providers in any way diminish my relationship with my SO. Of course, I may be justifying my behavior. I do think it has made me become more tolerant and forgiving of my SO. If I ever get mad at her for anything, I just let my mind drift off to my last encounter with my ATF, and everything is good.

I have been Guilty of this as well...I some days feel I am being neglected, by my SO, not usually but we both have full lives and responsabilities and I personalize it at times into neglect... this is where my ATFs come in to soften the edges of my troubles. Having seen a few on a weekly or biweekly basis for over 2yrs, there is a definate connection and they are connected to me in so many ways, but also very different from my SO.
So, I agree it can be possible to have that connection and that closeness in many different ways.

My overall experience w/ marriage  was very similar to Superdude.  I got married when I was 31, my wife was 23, I had just grad from law school, went to work 70+ hours per week.

Our sex life was the first casualty (like in the movie war of the roses) of the marriage.  This was in the early 80's, b/f internet.  I resorted to escorts, there was no TER at that time.  I took a lot of chances, but never got into trouble. I met a lot of providers, even had a LTR with one that I fell in love with.

My miserable marriage finally ended when I realised that my whole attitude about marriage was inculcated into my brain by the mores of our society and that I did not need to function on that level any longer.  I needed to be Promethius, break those chains I created in my own mind that enslaved me.

I did. I'v been divorced since 1999.  I am a hobbyist. I am happy.  I will never be anything else.

GT

Very Cool topic!  I finally know my true innerself.  I am in "eros" with all my providers; eventhough Eros is undependable.  I am in "phila" with all my buds; eventhough they drink all my Shiner Bock!  And finally; I am in "agape" with my "SO."  Life is good!

Question:  Where does everybody else stand in our lives?

Meeshka

I have been impressed with this entire thread. Mainly because there is a lack of attacks and being judgemental.  In my profession I listen to all kinds of human concerns and I like to think I have a great deal of compassion for humans and the human condition.  Most of us do the best we can.
For me I was in a passionless marriage with no children and I chose divorce.  Fortunately my ex and I are friends and get along real well. We make much better friends than marital partners. So for me the answer was not to stay in the marriage and see others for sex but I do not judge those who do as every case is different and really we don't know the whole story about each persons situation.
I enjoy being single.  I am concerned about not having a life partner in old age but there are always pro's and cons to our life decisions. I do not really want to date any more and find this kind of dating very satisfying for me. I do like to feel a connection and am not really concerned if it is an illusion if it feels real to me and I enjoy it. I had to learn how to respect the boundaries and not confuse sex for love but I believe I have grown in the process.  Growing as a human being I believe is my purpose in life.

currently i dont have an so but i have decided that in my next relationship, as long as i get to pick her/him or it out, i'm fine with my so having some outside fun. i might even join.

i'm saving my anal cherry for marriage however, im not so sure i'll be giving it up after the nuptials so does that mean my loving hubby should be without anal sex ? absolutely not and i'll be more than willing to import asshole for him.

but if i catch my so lying to me, we're off to the tattoo parlor to have my name tattoo'd on his dick. the long version.  

lying is cheating

unrelated, i've also decided on nekkid only arguments cuz sounds like fun.

-- Modified on 3/30/2008 7:47:13 PM

doesn't accomplish anything.

Just my $.02.

Thankfully your marriage did not end in the same manner as in War of the Roses.  I also hope you did not interrupt your ex's dinner party in the manner Michael Douglas did in that movie.

I think you should marry ME.

But in the meantime, I'll just say that I agree 100%. Lying is cheating.

I have always said that if I'm out to dinner with my loved and trusted SO, and she says to me, "you know, our busboy is the hottest guy I've ever seen - I'm going to take him home and bang him silly. Why don't you go to a movie, and call before you come home?"

I'd say, "you are the sexiest woman in the world. I'll bring home ice cream."

If she says to me "I'm going out with the girls from work tonight" and I find out that she's banging the busboy, she will never see me again.

It ain't about the busboy.

I guess it depends on what is in your heart and whether or not your S.O made you a I.O first causing you to go astray.

Or maybe he/she just a lying, cheating bastard / bitch and the S.O never really was Significant in the first place.


The reasons for seeking out additional affections are numerous it is all in the motivation.

sexymaddy

While this is my 1st post on TER, This is the very question I have reflected on many times.

I look back and realize that each relationship and person has there on place in my life...only a few in heart...and my SO is the only one a share my life with daily. Is our relationship perfect? NO  Do we still have a sex, yes...but unfulfilling. So will my time with a provider be cheating our relationship? Not to me.... To her...YES!

While I will have to lie, and keep a secrets with my soon to be hobby, it in know ways means I have ever loved and cared for her less. Only that I current have a void in my life that I must fill, So hopefully, Im able to continue to IMPROVE my relationship with my SO.  

Sorry to ramble...just the thoughts of a newbie.