Things started feeling weird at home and my wife started making all kinds of cash. She was so called working as a personal assistant in the bay area for a family. She was working strange hours and she would leave for the weekend a couple of times with them. The so called husband would call and give her, her schedule every week or so. Finally I put my mind at work and figured what can you do that you work random hours and get paid alot. So I went on the Internet to san franciso escorts and found my wife's pics on there. I'm so devastated, not only about what she was doing but even more that she could live with this lie everyday. I confronted her and she said she was doing it so we could keep our house since she lost her job during the economy downfall. I told her many times I didn't care about our house, that I cared more about our relationship was healthy. I would have rather lost our house and I would have rented a place rather then her do that. She said she only did it a little here and there for money and that she also personal assisted for these people to and they offers her the job for side cash. I then checked the reviews and boards and it shows she has been doing it for a year. She told me half of the reviews are fake? Also that the date she started was altered to make it seem like she has been in the biz for awhile? Also that she didn't always have sex when she met clients? Also that she alwAys used protection ? I don't know what to do, and I can't belive this happened. She is the love of my life and I have never felt so sexual with a women before. We took a break two years ago, and I tried and bang a bunch of hot women, with great jobs and futures. But know one has made me fill like her. What's more shocking to is she has never had the persona of a wild child or a party girl. She used to get mad when me and the guys would talk about strip clubs, also when her friends would talk about sex. If I didn't love her this would be so easy, but I don't know what to belive or do. She has been removing things of the Internet and said she quit, and has been begging me to come home.
You say you love her? Then , deal with it and don't apply the double standard. You've done the same, just not for money. Go home and know that life has changed a bit, but let your love win out.
Because this is sort of what happened to him. But there's also a big difference, which makes me disagree with Radcow. It's simply this: the OP's wife lied to him, not once but several times. She lied about providing, then lied again about how much/how long she'd been doing it. So what else did she lie about? Using protection??? So, first of all, get tested. As to dumping her, I probably would but I'm not the one who's in love with her so I have no advice there except you can be certain she's still lying to you. As to Rad's point, unless I misread the OP, "taking a break" means they both had the freedom to play around. If that's true he never deceived her the way she deceived him. Marriages are, above all, built on trust...at least the ones that work.
Even if your wife is apologetic now, she may begin before long to start to expect you to "get over it", and move on.
A good marriage counselor will not let her get away with that, but will help both of you to understand that your feelings of having been betrayed, and the loss of trust that this causes, is something that will take time to "come back" from.
If your story is true, you have to accept the other reality that your wife has been providing and sleeping around for 1 year without your knowledge and has not been honest with you. If you love her, none of this will matter, but you are allowed to be stomping angry and gaga for weeks. And after your anger has died down, go back and talk to her. Oh yeah, you gotta release that anger and frustration and hurt and only time will heal that.
I feel terrible for the OP if this story is true, but have not gathered my thoughts yet to put forward a responsible response! I would think that the OP would be better served to post this topic on the Erotic Highway and let TheLoveGoddess to take an initial crack at it (The LG would most probably recommend couples and individual counseling/therapy)
I doubt it if the OP is a troll. He has PM ability which means that he has registered as a VIP on this site and that he has access to reading VIP (detailed) reviews! Also, the style of his writing shows someone who is apprehensive, hurt and flustered. That's how I read it [shrugs]
Assuming the OP is genuine, it would make sense for him to have joined in order to read the reviews.
Despite his having posted on the "sometimes unfriendly" General Board, where else could someone in this type of situation vent his anger and frustration? With the exception of speaking with an appropriate professional, it's not like he's going to want to divulge this to a friend, relative, co-worker, etc.
Someone new and unfamiliar with this board might actually think it could be a logical place to possibly find someone with experience and empathy regarding a situation like this.
1) What are you doing on TER if you want to have healthy relationship?
2) Have you or do you providers?
Weren't you living lie? That is if you are seeing providers for your personal fun. Overall, somethings are missing in this story.
Chill out time to talk truthfully, that is.
There's no link to her pictures, service menu or ad.
No I have never used any of these services. I just figured this was the work she was doing so I looked to see if I could find anything and I did. I don't know any acronyms but I can look don't know what troll means. On the site I found hervi got her alias and googled it and it had this website with all these reviews. I am blind to this world so I started reading these bulletins trying to learn about this. I figured I would post this just for your thoughts. I saw a counselor and she told me to sell my house pack up my stuff and start over. I just wondered your thoughts and my earlier questions. I wish it was a lie and the worst part is I find myself looking at the stuff still on the Internet over and over. Also in know way do I judge people on this site. I just figured you all are people who know this lifestyle and I could hear about it from someone who really knows.
Counselors are supposed to help you come to grips with your feelings (which are no doubt complex), not just say "do this". This isn't the kind of thing you get over after a 50 minute hour. If you're posting here, you're likely dealing with unresolved feelings and issues.
And it's not unreasonable to insist your wife come along for the ride, too.
Go post on The Erotic Highway and see what LG says.
...are more helpful.
Find a counselor who wants to help you make the relationship work. A counselor that tells you to give up is like a baseball coach that tells a batter to not even bother swinging.
Unk,
Seek professional counciling no matter what goes down from here. As far as anyone with their heads in Lovey-Doveyville that think that "I love you's and all is koshar" is going to win in this situation, get in a relationship and get a clue. Honesty and trust out-trump love any day of the week and twice on Sunday. I have to say that I am baffled that someone in this situation would come and seek advice on this discussion board. Truley. If you've come this far, why not get the phone numbers of some of your wifes clients and ask them what you should do because that's essentially what you're doing here. No?
Sorry, I'm not trying to piss people off and I don't need to know anything about what she was doing with these clients. I just had those earlier questions and wondered your thoughts. I'm sorry I pissed a lot of you off, I was just curious. Sorry again I won't post anymore.
The Lie was wrong. Ok, let"s get that out of the way.. Assume she loves you and she must have some feelings for you.. Have you asked her what was/is important to her? The house etc. If you lose the house did she fail? Did she fail you? I can tell you the living the lie is the hardest thing to do. I used to wake up every night in a panic. what if he found out. would he think less of me, How hurt would he be, The list goes on and on.. Your wife has her fair share of pain in this. I promise you. My BF is gone now. Why? because I could not live the lie amoung other things. But, you never asked me why I started this to begin with..and I still worry about living a lie for many reasons. If she had come to you and said " Hey babe I wanna be an escort" Could you have LISTENED with an OPEN MIND and let her make her decisons based upon her needs. ( material or otherwise)
Your relationship is unhealthy because of the lie and the lack of trust NOT BECAUSE OF WHAT SHE DOES... There is nothing she can say to you now that does not feel or sound like a lie. Now she is placed in a postion to lesson the blow. Does it really matter how long she has done it.
Take all that and put it aside. Sex can be a physical thing or an emotional thing. whatever that is between the two of you.. what she does does not define your love or who she is. If you really love her be man enough to realize it may or may not be all about you..... Good luck.
Good luck....
"Honey, I want to make a career choice that significantly increases my risk of exposure to an STD compared to a monogamous relationship, as well as yours, has the risk of significant jail time, expensive lawyer bills, and has a risk of me getting stalked, raped, assaulted or killed. Oh, and we will likely have to lie to friends and family about some things. Is that OK with you? We'll have more money to keep the house..."
Seriously? There are plenty of guys who would NOT be OK with that. At all. And they aren't being prudes. It's incredibly arrogant and self-serving to put someone you supposedly love at risk, without their consent, or even, knowledge, and subject yourself to risks that your partner is totally clueless about.
(And yes, this can be pointed around at married dudes who cheat on their wives with providers. Sorry. That's the way it works. If you're one of those guys who hobbies around on the sly on the wife, you're kind of a jerk, even if you rationalize it because of how your wife treats you. That being said, nobody's made a perfect human being yet.)
It isn't just a matter of what makes YOU feel good/satisfies your needs when you are in a relationship, because relationships are all about US, and realizing that your partner is your partner.
-- Modified on 1/27/2011 7:43:04 PM
Unclenpens,
I would recommend that you re-post your situation on the Erotic Highway Discussion board. The atmosphere will be much more conducive to you being able to learn more about your situation, without the jeering from the peanut gallery that goes on here.
"The Love Goddess" who moderates that board is a highly regarded sexologist and licensed therapist with insight into this "industry".
maybe it's not really for the money, perhaps you lack intelligence and she's seeking it elsewhere.
p.s. GET A SECOND JOB SO SHE DOESN'T HAVE TO STRESS. thought about that one?
he doesn't have to like what she does and whats wrong with her getting 2 jobs.
This isn't for everyone and for the fact that its not his cup of tea, that doesn't make him wrong.
No, its not an easy thing to find oujt and in your eyes she as been cheating on you. Its heart breaking I am sure.
This is a new and different world and insane lifestyle from the standard married life. Its 180 degrees difference.
Its not one that everyone can or should wrap their mind around accept and understand.
No it was NOT fair for her to enter this world while dragging you along. You were never given that choice.
I've been there done that and I chose to walk away as apposed to quit. I am not ready to have a one on one relationship alone. I like what I do, and I am guessing so does she. SShe also knew you couldn't handle it, thats why she lied. I think she was wrong.
I have no answers for you other than to tell you the choice you make needs to be whats right for you. If you choose to be ok with this you really need to be ok with it. If you try n talk yourself into it to save what you think you had it will only breed rescentment,
You do not have to accept what she does you didn't choose this.
I do agree you need to ask the love Goddess on the Erotic Highway. Shes damn good.
Good luck what ever you choose.
Nicole
... a whole lot of other worse things that it could be.
If you love her, the relationship can work. Loads of people are happily married to or dating sex workers. Some of the best relationships I know are between a guy and sex worker.
Obviously, this has put a strain on your relationship. She deceived you. That's tough, whatever the deception is about. But it could have been a lot worse. This is just a job. Go to a counselor. Start being totally 100% honest with each other. I suspect she'll love having someone to share her secrets with, and you'll quickly learn that it's just a job. And often an interesting, lucrative, and sometimes quite liberating one at that.
You are living many guys' fantasy. Roll with it.
doesn't make her all that bad.
Look, she's even sharing the wealth with you. Tell her to break out that shoe box full of envelopes and buy yourself some new clothes. That will make you feel better.
Did you ever think that maybe she started hooking because she is not satisfied in bed? Have her teach you what she has learned.
PS: I am calling BS on the entire story, but thought I would play along.
If you're not full of shit and trolling for attention, then get your shit together.
Stash cash, protect yourself, and let her find her shit on the front yard.
What she's told you is every lie that every gal tells their SO. But it doesn't matter cause it's all because she got caught in the first lie.
Don't ask what you should do because you obviously and definitely won't do what you should do.
You'll listen, second guess yourself, go against your gut feeling, believe her, be optimistic about "love" (GAG!), and think that the future will be brighter.
Bullshit.
If you aren't making this up, then she's a lying piece of shit selfish self-centered whore who will use anyone for any reason to get what she ultimately wants and has elevated lying to perfection.
But, no matter. You'll take her back. I think we all know that.
Good luck sharing your assets and hopefully you won't catch anything.
Philosphically your post's the same as this one, but doubt you'd agree with it. Would you?
[i]Found out your husband is a client?
If you're not full of shit and trolling for attention, then get your shit together.
Stash cash, protect yourself, and let him find his shit on the front yard.
What he's told you is every lie that every guy tells their SO. But it doesn't matter cause it's all because he got caught in the first lie.
Don't ask what you should do because you obviously and definitely won't do what you should do.
You'll listen, second guess yourself, go against your gut feeling, believe him, be optimistic about "love" (GAG!), and think that the future will be brighter.
Bullshit.
If you aren't making this up, then he's a lying piece of shit selfish self-centered punter who will use anyone for any reason to get what he ultimately wants and has elevated lying to perfection.
But, no matter. You'll take him back. I think we all know that.
Good luck sharing your assets and hopefully you won't catch anything.[/i]
You have some hard choices to make. I know I was there. I felt so betrayed. They lies where the worse part. I used to trust my wife even more then I trusted myself. That is gone. I love her with everything in me but even after 10 months the trust is still not what it was. I don't know if it ever will be.
There is no good answer. None what so ever. I am making it work between me and my wife. She still escorts but the lies have stopped. We are making it work. If she didn't confess I don't think my marriage could have survived. At one time I had divorce papers drawn.
You need to decide if she is worth the risk of being betrayed again. This is not an easy choice. There is a lot riding on your choice here. If you decide to stay with her you can't use this as a weapon as that will keep it from healing. You got to ask yourself can you forgive her. If the answer is no best to move on as your marriage is doomed anyway. You must discuss this honestly with her. If you stay get a good couples therapist. Mine was a life saver for my marriage.
I wish you luck. You have a rough road ahead no matter what.
Glad you saw a councilor... but NO prefessional should tell you what to do. Sorry. YOU need to go to a councilor who assists you to decide what YOU want to do. To explore fully all the options.
She stops
She continues but is truthful
Maybe there are others
Then she must decide what is acceptable to her. Then in joint counciling, decide if there is an overlap you can both live with.
It is difficlut to live with a provider but some do. It is a job, not a relationship. I DO see a married lady. We enjoy our time together but at the end of the day, it is not a relationship. An emotional infidelity would be much worse.
I do think the LG on the Erotic Highway board would be helpful.
skb