MARTHA STEWARTS TIPS FOR REDNECKS
->GENERAL:
>1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
>2.  Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
>3.  It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
>4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
>5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still rude to drive the U-Haul to the funeral home.
>
>DINING OUT:
>1. When decanting wine from the box, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
>2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your hands.
>
>ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME:
>1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
>2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners are
>
>PERSONAL HYGIENE:
>1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
>2. Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of good money.
>3. Use of proper toiletries can only delay bathing for a few days.
>4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
>
>DATING (Outside the Family):
>1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
>2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago”
>3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM. Others might say "Monday," If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
>
>THEATER ETIQUETTE:
>1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
>2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
>
>WEDDINGS:
>1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
>2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
>3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
>4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
>
>DRIVING ETIQUETTE:
>1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
>2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires does not always have the right of way.
>3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
>4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
>5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.