so one day i am getting ready to meet a nice provider .. i take a shower, brush teeth , nice deodorant ,   super clean shaven, man scaped etc.  

Maybe it’s great at home also for some guys. Maybe their partners also indulge with them.

Just like when out of no where you have cologne on.. so nah, keep it simple.
Women have that sixth sense...they know their man

ive spent 40 years with the same woman.  i love her and would do anything for her.  but, she is a mean woman and brings up past mistakes constantly.  she is mean, drops f bombs on me all the time.  Haven't had sex for at least 20 years.  but I dont think i can do it anymore.  ive been with some great providers.  I think its time to try  and find a civvie that can treat me as nicely as a good provider can.  tough times tons of regret

Actually, I am stunned by it. How can you love someone and "do anything for her," when she continually curses  you out, rags on you "constantly," and hasn't fucked you in two decades?
Good luck on finally coming to your senses.
Just be careful because if wifey finds  out she'll take you for everything you've got.

IDK if she can "take me for everything ive got"  everything ive got is marital property.  worst she can do is take me for 1/2 and even then I should be OK.  IDK anyone with experience in this please chime in.

that makes them start snooping around to see what you are up to is a change in your routine.  If he has been disrespecting her with dirty teeth and smelly arm pits for decades, changing it now is going to be her cue to take the community assets and put them all in her name because a bigger change might be on the horizon.  The more the routine changes, the more suspicious she will be.