Why assume anything is wrong with you? It sounds like there was a certain lack of chemistry and maybe that's okay. After all, you went out with a living, breathing human being, not a resume.

Maybe you just weren't in the mood for a civilian. Maybe you were just having a bad day. It doesn't sound like you burned your bridges, so if you decide this has possibilities, give the gent a call.

You are not a heel and yes, we all deserved to be loved by someone, but we also have the right to make choices about who we love.

Peace,

pbRoaddog

before you find your prince

Most of the ladies I have been with who are providers feel there is no way you can have a outside relationship.  I would guess you feel this too, and you are not ready to move back into civilian life, so you won't let yourself get close.  Sometimes the choices we have to make in life are difficult because we all want noncompatable things at some time.

I recall years ago a provider telling me about how she was living with a guy and it raised a number of problems.  He didn't know what she did, so when she came home after a day at "work," he was crazy to have sex and, well -- you can imagine how she felt at that point.  But, when she was in the mood w/ him, it was difficult to get out of the provider mode.  "I keep thinking I gotta service him..."  

This is just as a matter of perspective.  Keep tryin!

First off get a few male friends. I have a best friend that has known me for maybe 12 years now. He is my confidant and rock steady best buddy. We worked together for Big Brother and found ways to make our lives easier by covering each others backs at our J.O.B. I have worked hard at keeping that friendship and I would do anything for him. Because of this friendship I feel more comfortable dating men. It hasn't really worked yet, but I am open minded. I tried it *twice*, this dating thing over the past year, but no cigar. Yet. I also keep in touch with clients that aren't able to hobby anymore and they have become good friends. I need my support group!

I think I'll ariculate some of my feelings and perhaps these will either strike a chord for you or add some illumination in your situation.

I have found that when I am not in charge that I get uneasy. I need to feel that  I am directing the flow of events. I am good at what I do because I am a take charge kinda gal, and have no problem going 0-60 in 60 min., well...maybe in15 and then again in 20. (Ha!)

I have gone out on 2 dates in the last year. I have flinched when someone has gently touched my hand, and have even had panic attacks in the restroom at dinner. I have a hard time hugging people. I feel suffocated. A lot of it has to do with my personal issues. I have PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder.) I also find I am not comfortable at doing chit chat when the outcome does not immediately benefit me financially. I love intimate intense sex, and I love meeting new people. Its what leads up to it that is so nerve wracking. I think part of the reason I put up pictures that look worse than I do (darkened, colored) than in real life so that I have that immediate reaction, where they tell me I look better in real life. (My regulars are begging me to update...I know.) For a lot of women there is the Madonna-whore complex. For me its the whore-whore complex. LOL. As a woman I have a lot of sexual power, and I am learning how to harness and understand it.

One of the reasons I don't do social functions much is that I got uncomfortable when my loose circle of friends would watch the same news I would watch, listen to the same commentary on the radio at work, and then rehash it out like its their own original opinion. Nauseating. I got a new group of friends now that know what I do and don't judge me but care for me. They come from different circles of life, and don't require much maintenece. They know when I am too tired, and they know when I am hiding and need to be dragged out to see a movie.

Do you go to church? Do you have a spiritual outlet? Do you have things you do for *you*? The more comfortable you are with you, the more comfortable you are with yourself. My bathtub is my temple, and my other job my salvation. I read books not T.V. I know I am talented and needed in other areas of my life.

You are probably just out of practice with dating. Keep at it. When I come over to your neck of the woods on my tour drop me a line and we'll go for beers and do some boy watching. I'll have a stiff neck because I'll be watching the girls too. Cheers!

Hello there,

I have had that problem on some dates as I find that it will be difficult to lead the double life and so until I am absolutely ready to settle and find the right one, I somewhat keep myself at a distance and not get too close.  That seems to be an oxymoron I'm sure, as how does one get to know someone unless they let their walls down and give a person a chance.  Just living this lifestyle at times can be lonely unless you have a supportive partner, which I did for quite a few years, but as I find myself on my own again, it's quite difficult this time around~

Every day millions of perfectly nice people go on dates with other perfectly nice people and sometimes it just doesn't work out...this doesn't have to have anything to do with you being a provider

If you give up on him after just one date with no specific thing he did wrong you'll never know if it was him or you

And what about your next first date with someone else?  Are you going to blow him off too if the same thing happens?

You are just dating...it doesn't have to MEAN anything yet...just two people out and about enjoying each others company for an evening

You may find out you really like him...or you could find out he has a habit of picking his nose when he thinks no one is looking or farting and blaming the dog...then dump him...at least then you'll know it wasn't your profession that got between the two of you and you'll be more confident with the next guy

Good luck!

it sounds like it has been a bit since you were out on a "regular" date.

Not only did you have the thoughts and questions and uncertainties that go with anyone doing "regular" dating, but you also had the "I am a provider" voice in the back of your head, that could have messed with you numerous ways.  To me, it sounds like your sub-consicous was pulling you back for the most part.

If you thought the guy was nice and you enjoyed being with him (other than when her got "close"), give it a shot at going out again (like you already are), and maybe tell him that it has been a while since you "dated" and you need to get comfortable with it again, and he can either be cool with that or not.  If you backed off from him because of a "woman's intuition" thing, then move on...plenty of fish in the ocean who would love to hear that "Meeeoooowwwzaaaa".

Of course you deserve to be loved.  However, you have to be ready to give love to get love.  Tt is the hardest part for most people.

Mel, maybe try a blind date

When he feels his way towards those DDD's....

Meowzaaaaaaa!

Sorry, couldn't resist a lousy joke here.
Keep the faith Mel!

Too many of us take our jobs home and on dates!!! This is usually a problem unless our date is in the same business! In your particular case, it's even more difficult! So, you're going to have to work harder at getting this going. But, you must try your best to separate work and play.
Good luck and love to you.