Hi!
 I need words of wisdom from both sides of the fences on this one, and after perusing both my side and the provider' side, I must say that I am quite impressed with the level of communication as well as the warmth and sincerity brought forth by both sides. so much so, i'm sure there is someone out there who could give some solid advice, and possibly morale support (whimper).
 I must say all things considered I'm pretty shy, although warm-hearted and perhaps overdosed with the desire to please a women physically. I've been now in a relationship for 8 yrs with a women I adore;however, she is and has never been interested in sex. It's not that we don't get along (we do fabulously!), but she has a very low sex drive, and rarely had sex with her previous boyfriends, doing it out of obligation. When I ask her about it she always replies "well then I guess you need to find someone else". I don't want someone else, but have this overwhelming desire to satisy ass much as be satisfied. Should I take her advice? Would that be cheating, even though she knows I'll probably do it? She was, and remains my first. I find I'm missing out on a part of life. Help! I'm in a moral and ethical quandary!
-renaissancefool

As faithful as your intentions are you are not being satisfied sexually and that will ultimately lead you into another womans arms. If your lady is understanding that you need more sex than she is willing to give and she allows you to hobby
then good for both of you. If however she wishes your fidelity in spite of her lack of libido then I predict much trouble for you in the future. Being sexually compatable is a VERY important factor in the success of a relationship and it should not be underestimated.

  Good luck

...life with the ice queen will be tough.  You can be friends though!  Seriously, I would consider 2 options-
1] If she really LOVES you, (and you LOVE her) then seek sex-counselling together or even a sex therapists.  While I am perfectly willing to admit that there are many women out there who do not have as strong (or unrelentless) sex drive as men, I have NEVER met a woman who simply did not like sex-if not with me, with someone, another man or perhaps another woman.  
2] IF you choose to stay with her, you will go nuts unless you get some release---a provider is perfect .  With the exception of the men who become obsessed with ATFs, etc., you are not making an emotional committment to anyone but your SO---
Give it real thought though---there is a beautiful part of communication between a man and a woman for which physical touch and making love give the glue to a relationship.

Hi, great to hear you have such a good relationship but sad that there is this one major issue.  Although your partner has suggested you need somebody else she may well still feel very betrayed if you did so I would advise you to tread carefully.

Maybe you can persuade her that you should go to a relationship counsellor together.  I'm sure this won't suddenly give her an interest in sex but it may give her a better understanding of your needs.  Maybe I'm being unrealistic but if you could come to some situation whereby you acknowledge your love and respect for her and she acknowledges you have physical desires then it could be a step forward.  Possibly you could even agree that you are allowed to see providers as there is no deep emotional attachment involved??

Just remember to keep her reassured that you really don't want to be with anybody else and that you love her.  Whatever you do, good luck

Just as I was going to reply, Carrie's post popped in, and she really covered it.

I'm pretty sure that when your lady said "well, then I guess you need to find someone else", it's a sure bet (?) that she didn't mean BOTH. She meant take me the way I am, or go find someone ELSE.

Carrie is right. See a counselor, and discuss with everyone the possibility of seeing providers for your needs, yet remain with her. I'm all for the openness and honesty, and it CAN work!

In the meantime, I wonder why people accept low sex drives as being 'normal'?? It doesn't sound normal to me, and I would wonder if there wasn't something physically or emotionally out of balance.

and hurry before she changes her mind, too. As for morals & ethics, who needs them!

Is a low sex drive normal?  With the exception of a very few women out there (perhaps a larger % of providers who truly love their profession) it seems to me that most men find that women have lower sex drives than themselves.  With the exception of a very few SOs in my own past, this has been the case.  I  tended to resign myself to this lower sex drive as normal.  It also seems that over time, many men find that even if an SO had an insatiable appetite at the onset, this would end up declining over time with the occaisional spark here and there.  The complications are endless (is it me? is it her?  are we bored?  is this ...normal?) Obviously in the case described at the beginning of this thread, this woman probably does have a problem (physical or otherwise).  I have found that this often relates to something as simple as the whole thing being painful to her or at least uncomfortable but it could be psycological issues as well...counselling is definitely in order.  But with regard to the general issue of men being a bit higher on the sex drive scale than men, this is probably what keeps the Hobby going...

Her 'find someone else' is probably just a way of controlling you and I'll be she'd be plenty upset if you took her up on the offer ....

but you should.

If you have a job, you know the dangers of going to your boss and making a request - and then endingthat request with "Or I'll quit"

AS an employer, I'll entertain all reasonable requests (and a lot of unreasonable requests) from my employees.  Whatever the situation, I'll sit, I'll listen and I'll consider.  The answer MAY be "no"  but at least I'll try.   But if you come in my office and end the sentence with "Or I'll quit"  The door will hit you on the ass before you can say "I was just kidding"   I don't care if the sentence was "Hand me a Kleenex"  if it ended with "or I'll quit" you're history.  And the reason is because you are making it clear that YOU are in charge and YOU decide and I have to comply ... and that's not how it works.

You want sex and she says "then find someone else" .... she's told you tat it's not open to negotiation, or consideration, or anything else ... it's her way or the highway.

Kick her to the curb and take the bus.

I too am in one of those sexless marriages. Although it has had its ups and downs with sex, we are compatible in every other way. My wife lost all interest a few years ago and no matter what I do I can't seem to revive it. I think I'm reading this like Sedona, your wife is the type who thinks "I don't want him sexually but no one else can have him either". My wife was pretty adamant about that for a long time. Now it's more like a don't ask don't tell policy. She knows I've always been an amorous guy and it isn't right for me to just try and shut off that part of my nature.

Try counceling by all means,but I really don't think it will do much good. My brother has been in a marriage like yours, where his wife never cared much for sex. Never let him DATY never mind a BJ. Anyway, he went the counceling route and she was just like Sedona said " I am what I am and that's too bad if you don't like it leave." He didn't leave but had an affair instead. Got caught and is now separated. Of course the girlfriend dumped him after he was free and now he wants back with his wife.

This hobby is a lot easier than an affair to fulfill your physical needs. Take it from me and my brother, a real girlfriend
will put you on an emotional merry go round that is impossible to get off without a great deal of pain. Of course you can become attached to one or two of these ladies too. But if you keep it in perspective and just remember it is what it is, you should be okay. You really only have 3 viable choices: go without sex, get a divorce or hobby on occassion to fill your needs.

-- Modified on 12/15/2003 11:18:44 AM

but this is one of the few times I agree with you Megapig...ultimatums just piss me off.

with you and your brother. You seem to know my situation exactly... once I figure out how to do this hobbying thing maybe all I need is to please a women physically and I'll get my morale back.
-renaissancefool

If you are happy and can accommodate yourself as needed, stay with the marriage/partnership.

If you are unhappy, pat her on the butt, take care of any obligations you have (kids, support, etc) and sing happy trails all the way to the end of the divorce.

I ended a 25 year relationship with my Ex after the kids departed home.  It was a sexless relationship for the last 10 years.  I took care of my obligations, we parted ways and now I have the best friend of my life (my former wife) and I am happily in lust with my SO.

In the end, you only have yourself to blame for your unhappiness.  No one is in charge of your fullfillment but yourself.

Do what is right to make all concerned whole, but also do what is necessary to be happy with life.

Remember, you only have 22,000 days on earth at best and on average.

Happy Hunting!