Time to start one of those long and interesting discussions.
Reading a lot of threads in here about DATY, and thinking about my own experiences, I want to propose the following:
There is a myth out there that says women are more likely in a relationship to be giving more and receiving less compared to the men. We men are stereotyped as by and large being interested only in our own orgasms and the hell with the rest. But what I am seeing here is that a whole lot of us, if not the majority of us, get a lot of pleasure from giving pleasure. Of course we want ours too, so what? It's time we threw off the negative image of the selfish lover and make sure the world knows that men are not some kind of sexual energy black hole. we are half of the equation and we more than hold up our half of the deal.
I'm with you - I think there are just as many "giving" guys out there as there are those whose tastes are more, say, Clintonesque. I think you guys get a bad rep because it falls into that stereotype of nurturing female and hunter/gatherer male. What I think happens in reality is that sooo many people are in relationships that might work otherwise, in terms of living together and raising children maybe, but in bed they're completely incompatible, so we have all these disgruntled people.
Somewhere "down there" a week or two ago, there was a post where I suggested that men are actually less able (than women) to separate sex and emotion, and a lot of people disagreed, but within days there was not one but two multiple thread posts about how difficult it is to deal with your emotions after having a great weekend with an SP.
I think you do people a disservice by categorizing people - men are like this, women are like that - we're all individuals and very different from each other.
-Anya
If only Dr Ruth woulod make a comeback. Her straightforward approach to discussing what makes people feel good sexually was a very big deal in the 70's and 80's. I think we are way back in the 50's again, but with even more of a schizoid public persona due to all the use of sex to sell things. Young people trying to break in to the world of sexual maturity see millions of images of sexually desirable women, or men, and then they have to hear the mindless drumbeat of "just say no" (abstinence). No wonder there are so many perverts out there. Repression and guilt cause more harm than good.
It's funny, but as a Sex Therapist, I've heard the "Blame-Game" played in every relationship in trouble. But the bottom-line is not communication, since most folks aren't educated about what they want or how they want it. It's the "Blind leading the Blind" out there with only one way out...AN OPEN MIND. Once you get rid of the pre-concieved notions, guilt, moral BAGGAGE and get in tune with your own body, can you become a better partner on all levels...not just sexually. As a puritanical society, we self-medicate constantly for the lack of intimacy in our lives....thus addictions develope and provide us with those warm-fuzzies. (work,sex,gambling, shopping,drugs,parenting.....) Once any of these replaces intimacy even the most gifted oral specialist won't stir interest. If a Provider or SO has intimacy issues DATY probably won't be welcomed....Having said that, when a client of mine DATY and I am given MO, I feel like I should be paying him....I love it.!!! yummy...
Hello everyone!I just stumbled on this website and just have to say theres a lot of good info and advice here.Anya,your post hit a nerve.My relationship with my wife is great as far as our jobs and the kids go but our love life leaves something to be desired.I guess thats why Im here.I mean when Im with another woman I have no problem bringing her to orgasm but with my wife its a different story entirely.It wasnt always like this.Am I the only one with this problem?
I generally agree with you, praiaman, but consider that what you're reading here represents a small cross section of the male population. I would guess that most of us are here because we have an above-average interest in sex. As such, we are a bit more informed than the average Joe as to what is and isn't enjoyable about intercourse, and that physical pleasure is a two-way street. My $0.02
Are these same men, the ones here claiming they love giving pleasure giving it to their SO's? If they were would so many SO's be the "loveless" partners so many here claim them to be? Or do we just like 'giving' to new exciting girls half our age? Just a thought
my SO hasn't been receptive to anything I've offered in the last 5 years. Makes me feel like Mario Andretti driving a Ford.
I am in pretty much the same boat omniseeker
... that actually care about the likes, dislikes, feelings and hightened arousal of our provider(s)... and i bet actually don't try to negotiate a lower price... and to a point about DATY, and some other more sensual stuff, i learned to research up front... if they don't want me to do this or that, now i just ante up some funds for showing up and find someone else... (oh wait am i talking about the provider or SO..lol)
When my wife and I USED TO have sex several years ago, DATY was always part of the routine (and I do mean ROUTINE). DATY or manual clitoral stimulation was the only way she had an O. She never has an O from or during penetration, but was cabable of multiple O's from DATY. But that's all in the past.
In my case I started with an SO that was a sexual rocket, my dream come true. That lasted about 6 years. During the final 4 years of our marriage I used to beg her to let me give her one or more oral orgasms. Sometimes she was in the mood, sometimes not. It was passive aggression. Yeah, we went to counselling. Yeah, we got divorced. No, I don't think it's OK for a woman to replace open discussion of issues with a slammed door to pleasure in the bedroom. That's where most of it comes from. She thinks "I don't feel like being that close to him". and she shuts down her own healthy wish for sexual release, thereby compounding and magnifying the overall sense of dysfunction. It's bullshit! The answer of course is lots of communication, something not necessary in the hobby world, and I suppose that's all for the best.
Remember, it is always about me. Your pleasure is my pleasure, so don't feel guilty enjoying until we reach Houston. You are adorable, and I love you all.
DATY... Hmmm! My favorite topic. Here's what I've found in more than 20 years of dating, chasing women, escort services, etc...
A lot of us guys love DATY. But unfortunately not a lot of women really know how to appreciate this. Some do but most do not. For every women I have encountered who likes it, I've run into at least three who are indifferent about it or hate it. I have also found that over time a woman looses respect for a man who likes DATY. Gals still think of it as a "nasty" thing to do. One girl actually told me this. She said there are days when her snatch smells bad and discharges nasty, bloody looking puss. So how can she respect a man who wants to lick her snatch. I tried to explain to her that it's not the nasty, bloody part we're into. But there was nothing going to change her mind about it. Too bad! Her loss.
Normally, I would never write on any Board; however, may I suggest you try dating an older woman. A mature woman who accepts her sexuality--and you, too.
Some of these comments sound as if they are coming from men either with young women or poor relationships, IMHO.
Try a woman, say, in her 40's or even 50's. If she is the norm in America, she should make both of you "happy campers."
Unfortunatly, we women are so indoctrinated with the "sex is dirty" mode of thinking, that it is not until we come into our own--if we ever do--that we realize this was just crap our mother's told us so we didn't embarrass the family by becoming pregnant.
Yeah! for you men out there!!!
Just a suggestion.
Thanks for the education on women - honestly, I didn't think there were any who wouldn't like DATY! But really, that one who smells nasty and has bloody discharge, she needs a doctor quick, that's just not normal.
-Anya