But why do people have SOs?
I've seen it asked here and elsewhere: "why do people cheat?" the assumption is that monogamy is natural and it was sex with multiple partners that had to be explained.
I wanted to try to approach this from another angle and suggest that perhaps it is monogamy that needs an explanation.
-- Modified on 10/27/2007 11:59:47 AM
It either is the right thing for you or it isn't. It certainly hasn't been for me so I'm not going to throw stones. On the other hand, the idea of being with just one special person has a certain appeal, not just because of getting steady sex but because of the level of emotional intimacy that one hopes would be born out of a monogamous trusting relationship. Can it happen? beats the heck out of me but I'd like to think so.
I find - at least among my 6 closest male friends - that it's the women that lose interest in sex. Very, very few women understand - or really attempt to understand - the male sex drive. One buddy did turn his marriage around after 24 years by giving his wife Dr. Laura's book about keeping your man happy. I don't know the title. But I guess Dr. Laura really lays it on the line (punny - she "lays it") to women...keep it interesting in bed and your man won't stray!.
First marriage for me - 15 years. Got that woman pregnant at 20 and did "the right thing." Never really loved her and it just got really old. She wasn't a pleasant person and I no doubt helped that since she sort of knew it was a forced marriage, not real love. Then I met a wow! and married her after a stormy year of getting divorced.
She had baggage I just didn't know or take the time to realize. My little head did me in again. I really love this lady but again, after many years of her just fighting other demons, I had to do something. And hobbying is that "something." I'd rather not, but jerking off became impossible to do...too much boredom and too much anger about having to do it.
So I am careful in who I see and squirrel away the bucks as I can.
Monogomy is really, really tough. But it could work if a properly matched man and woman work at it...REALLY work at it. And a lot - more than 50% in my opinon - of the effort must be done by the woman to keep it exciting. If she doesn't our little heads stray.
My view of it here in sunny and "no fires" Northern California.
It became important to know who was the true parent of whom in order to know that land and wealth was left to the right persons.
Ergo, religions, reflecting this need, wrote it into their instruction manual as a new "to do", despite all the grumbling around the office.
I've read quite a bit of anthropology and the international evidence seems to be that humans are pretty creative when it comes to relationship arrangements.
There seems to be no evidence that there is a biologically inherent reason for monogamy as the preferred type of relationship.
Monogamy, enshrined as institutionalized marriage in the West, is about property. If one simply wants to profess love and dedication for another person, there is no need for a state or religious institution to get involved. Except that one needs to establish property rights and the other is needed to reinforce the idea that it is "natural."
Perhaps this is the key to understanding cheating as well. We would be much better off if monogamy were simply considered one of many valid relationship types instead of pushing it as the ideal we must all attain in order to reach fulfillment.
(Insignificant Other)
Monogamy has some things to recommend it. Familiarity. A feeling of security. It feels more important than polygamy. People will be polygamous at some points and monogamous at others. Neither one is really better than the other, but society only sees monogamy as proper. If a person is "playing the field" it's thought of as a way of "looking" to be monogamous.
Then there's the negative aspect: it's a bummer being alone. Roommates have all the drawbacks of having an SO and normally none of the advantages: like sex.
Choice is a human attribute.
There are a large number of people who live their whole life commited to one person. For them it is as normal and perfect as you may see spending $400 on a 10/10 provider.
With that said... monogamy is not for everyone.
Given that we are all on this site gives me some authority to say we are most likely in that category. (or maybe it is not what we are willing to choose?)
Neither are more right or more wrong... just different.
Now if you are asking about the concept of integrity... that is a whole different ball of wax. I often think the reason people struggle with this, is because they are not open and honest with themselves or others with their needs.
for me... the moment I gave what ever it was that kept me from asking... is the moment I got everything I ever wanted.
or Mark 10:1-12
Mark 10
Marriage and Divorce
1 Then He arose from there and came to the region of Judea by the other side of the Jordan. And multitudes gathered to Him again, and as He was accustomed, He taught them again.
2 The Pharisees came and asked Him, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?” testing Him.
3 And He answered and said to them, “What did Moses command you?”
4 They said, “Moses permitted a man to write a certificate of divorce, and to dismiss her.”
5 And Jesus answered and said to them, “Because of the hardness of your heart he wrote you this precept. 6 But from the beginning of the creation, God ‘made them male and female.’[a] 7 ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, 8 and the two shall become one flesh’;[b] so then they are no longer two, but one flesh. 9 Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.”
10 In the house His disciples also asked Him again about the same matter. 11 So He said to them, “Whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery against her. 12 And if a woman divorces her husband and marries another, she commits adultery.”
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