Concerning the age-old story of the hobby and SO's. Ladie's, how do you deal with your so's feelings about the hobby? Likewise, any gents that may have dated a provider, how did you deal with your feelings about her vocation?

   Not a simple answer, I realize, and as a matter of fact we have tried counseling, briefly, but once there he had a "don't want to even go there" attitude, and flatly admitted that he knows he can't accept it, although, he wants to, so didn't want to talk about it, even tho that was our main reason for seeking counseling. Let me be clear that he is in no way a jerk about the situation, and tries very hard to deal with it but is human. Hey, I have my irrational jealous moments, too, all couples do, but this "lifestyle" situation is one big long headache of no comfortable answers. He has offered to be the breadwinner until I've finished school in about a year, but while I'm ready to make a commitment, I'm not ready to live together-I just am too fond of my own space being an only child and all, but still feel committable (and, boy, do I feel like I need to be committed!lol; hmm, do I really want to be committed to an institution-of marriage?. A year doesn't seem that long to wait for "the problem" to go away, but the meantime can seem like an eternity and the reality of things wears and tears at any possibility of a future together. I've been in this biz for years and have avoided serious relationships mainly b/c of the job complexities, but am only human, vulnerable to human frailties, and am desparately trying to find a way to navigate a balance and help my one-and-only accept that reality, despite not technically being my "one-and-only".

  Any advice greatly appreciated! Thanks so much.



-- Modified on 1/5/2004 1:06:50 AM

As I can appreciate your wanting to ask for help. I would suspect, most often, any advice on this topic would not help his situation.

Only he can decide if and how comfortable he will be with your situation. I could or any one of us could tell you about how to let go and the such, but really it all boils down to what does he want for himself and what do you want for your self.

What are you interested in doing to make this relationship work? How far are you willing to change?

If he isn't interested in making any changes or can't find it within him self to accept your decisions, then it is just information for you to decide how to procede.

I am sure that somewhere some of the more wise participants will say something about communication so I will leave that up to the pros.

You know if he can't put it down now in 15 years when there is an argument between you and your SO about 'Whatever', where you are right and he is not, he will most likely call you a 'ch**p wh**e'.  Might be best to move on now and fine someone who doesn't know your in the hobby. There are many fish in the sea.  My .02

This subject is the age old issue of control and each person needing their own space.  It sounds like you developed the business before he met you and therefore he should accept your life style.  One person cannot change another person.  Many marriages fail because one of the partners thought that they could change their spouse after marriage.  Both partners must accept the other person’s life styles and give each other the freedom they need to be happy in life.  If they cannot do that, it is time to move on.

Exc. reply from r-bear11.  And yours too, except I don't understand how an argument can be advanced by noting that someone was a "ch**p wh**e" some years ago.  

Like, I was a roofer (shakes and shingles), a short order cook and a cashier.  We don't "become" our occupations, do we?


-- Modified on 1/5/2004 11:28:24 PM

I think what your asking is can it workout but you already know the answer.  My guess is that if you were willing to go to counciling to try and work it out you must really have deep feelings for this guy.  He wouldn't still be there suffering if he didn't love you.  So the real question becomes how much do you love him?  More than the money?  If the answer is yes then you owe it to yourself snd to him to give it a fair shot.  See if you can live without the money but have realistic expectations of what it will be like or how difficult it will be initially.  You just might surprise yourself and rise to the occasion.  Now if it doesn't turn out the way you had hoped there is no law saying you can't get back in it's not the mafia after all.  If you leave the business with a good name and a stellar reputation you'll be welcomed back with open arms.  Life is for living not hanging around waiting for someday I'll.
I say meet him half way he's put up with your being in the business why not try getting a straight part time job and take a leap of faith what is the worst that can happen.  You'll love it and be happy or you'll be disappointed and come back no harm done.  Just my 2 cents but what do I know I'm still here.

  Thank you for your honest and to the heart of things, so to speak, response, Sasha. That does seem like the most obvious and simple solotion, of course, to just retire and come back if it doesn't work out, and of course I've mulled that possibilty over many times. While of course that's entirely possible, I mean obviously the rest of world gets by on a different type of job, but it's not just about the money for me, it's about having more time for life rather than working 40 hours a week, 20 hours plus of classes/homework, and about 20 hours of practicumm just around the corner. I see my classmates all around me looking so haggard and their time and financial resources stretched so thin, and I am grateful and guilty for my easier life. I guess I just got used to having more flexibilty and less stress and time constraints in my life; that is my main indulgence and dependency. I prefer a smaller volume and thus lower income than average, for various reasons, but especially the freedom of time factor. So I guess if I really think he's worth it I could bite the bullet and get by on less sleep and pay tuition with loans, but this would also mean that I would have less time for him than I do now (which is to be free when he is) so that will be something he will have to understand and accept as a trade-off. Another factor I've considered is the trust issue-would he really be able to trust me that I'm not seeing devotees on the side? It's hard to say what will happen, and though I know my rep is intact and I'd be welcomed back, that's happened before with other ladies and seems to make them look flaky. I suppose I shouldn't care, though I may lose some regulars, but reputation, financial security, and freedom of time and space are my selfish but survival-based priorities.

Everyone has given me some great food for thought, thank you immensely.

In school and as a matter of fact got into the business specifically for all the reasons you stated to have more time to devote to classes without having to sweat out the bills every month.  I am about to begin my 1st of 2 practicumms when the semester starts up again in February.  Like you I know I do not have what it takes to work 3 jobs and still get good grades without having any type of social life it would be like slow death.  This is going to sound strange but fortunately so far I have only gotten into semi relationships if you can call them that but they have been with married men so it takes all that decision making pressure off the situation.  I guess I am somewhat relieved about that because I sure would hate to have to choose between a man or my sanity or my sanity and good grades. Maybe the thing to do is to try to keep as low a profile as you can when it comes to work related matters.  Not lying just not disclosing and being more stategic in your planning of work related matters.  WHo knows you may still be able to pull it off.  I wish you all the best and good for us because a mind is a terrible thing to waste especially since it's also our most inspiring errogenous zone.

Read your post while trying to beat insomnia and was quite taken by the sincerity of it. I'm afraid that if your SO can't accept thigs now [apparently he knew before becoming your SO] he never will. and that even if it gets better now, it will come back [consciously or not] at some point. In our culture, most guys, belive it or not, feel great performance pressures, not just for their own performance, but in comparison to every other guy the partner may have been with. Unless the SO is totally comfortable with who he is, what he has[ or doesn't have ie size] then there will always be doubts, and even fears. Also, how would his guy frieds react if they knew? That also if diconcerting. Anyway, that is my 2cents worth. If you are comfortable with who you are and where you are going, that is about all you can control. Good luck.