I have a dear friend who I have known for over 30 years..I am now 43 and we did have a brief relationship over 20 years ago and we were simply in different places in our lives back then to remain together.  We have always remained in contact even though we are over 1000 miles apart.  My friend lost her husband over just over a year ago and I am fairly happily married.  

In recent conversation, I had mentioned that I will be traveling at a trade show in Vegas in a month and she said it would be fun to hook-up and spend some time together in Vegas.  I truly beleive there is no pre conceived BS on her part..it is simply two old freinds getting together to catch up.  Me on the other hand, would love to meet her while in Vegas but have no idea how I could ever sell this to the wife.  Let me say in my eyes the girl I am to meet in Vegas was "the one" she has never been far from my thoughts and she has a special place in my heart.  Do I get a hard one every time I think of her..no question..Is the simply fact that I am trying to find a way to approach or not approach my wife on this tell me this is not a good idea??

I spoke to my firend today and we are very honest and upfront with each other. I simply told her I would like nothing better than to hang out with you in Vegas but what do I tell my wife or do I tell my wife.  I am going to be in Vegas regardless so I would not have to say anything to her if I choice not to.  

The way I look at it I have three choices..
1. Meet my friend and do not tell my wife.
2. Tell my wife and that will kill the meeting garanteed.
3. Tell my friend there is no way I can spin this in my head to make it fly with the bride and call it off.

I need to be honest..in Vegas old friend that I have lusted after for years..couple glasses of wine and you do the math.

What is a guy to do???

over to the left of your screen under The Erotic Highway.

You definately seem like you are uncomfortable about this because you want to have a very open relationship with your wife.

Does she have any idea that you continue to have contact with your old flame?

If so, then it may not be as hard as you suggest to just mention that old Susie is going to be in Vegas also and you were thinking of have some dinner with her.  She may not like it, but she may not say "no way" either.

Of course she might and then that is the end of it unless you decide to live the underground life that so many of us here know and love so well.

It's your choice either way.

By the way, if it were I, I'd go for it and not tell the wife; but that's the way I decided to do things (and why I now have an ex).

-- Modified on 5/24/2007 6:20:00 PM

How much do you love your wife?  Are you ready for a divorce?  If you see your friend and don't tell you wife, the truth is the guilt will eat away at you.  It already is.  It is obvious that you still have feelings for this woman, so you will make SURE that something happens between you.  So, ask yourself what your current relationship with you wife is like and how much it means to you.  Because your decision is sure to affect that relationship. If you didn't have feelings for this friend, my advice would be different.  The problem isn't your wife, the problem is the feelings that you have harbored all these years.  There is option #4...be honest with your friend about the feelings that you've harbored for her and tell her that's the reason you can't meet her in Vegas.  Don't blame it on your blameless wife.  You're the one with the feelings.  Deal with them honestly.  If you didn't have those feelings, I would say meet your friend.  But in your current condition, such a liason spells disaster.  It will end your marriage, and could end up ending your friendship.  This isn't a casual meeting with a provider.  This is a relationship.  

Choose wisely.

Meet your friend, no strings, no expectations, and go from there.

No one can tell you what the best choice after the meeting will be. You don't even have any way of reasonably predicting how you will feel about her after you see her.

But you can count on one thing for certain. If you don't meet her in Vegas, you are going to spend a lifetime wondering about what might have been, and regretting it. You have carried this torch for more than 20 years. The best thing you can do for yourself, one way or another, is to carry it just a little bit further until you have enough information (from meeting her) to either rekindle the torch, or finally lay it to rest.

You may find that you're carrying a torch for what "was", and not for what "is" now......20 years later.

Meet your friend and don't tell your wife.  You can deal with whatever happens, IF something happens.  Don't go through life regretting things that could have been, especially if she is "the one."

so what are you doing in this place? Have you seen providers? If you love your wife and the sex is good and frequent then you might regret it...if you can do it with no guilt, have fun!

I totally agree with what Mary said.  You need to rethink the nature of your marriage.

If you are so sure that your wife is NOT "the one" you might want to consider ending your marriage whether you meet your friend or not.  Are you willing to get to the end of your life feeling that you settled?

Life is too short to be lying to yourself at this stage in the game.

The old feelings may not be there any more once you see her.  But if they are, go for it.

You know you are gonna nail this woman if she is willing.  You are a guy, you are interested in her, and you are on TER.  End of story.  You WILL fuck her if you get the chance.  And it seems that she IS open to the chance, so the question is, do you fuck her or do you stay away.

So...unless your wife is open to "open marraiges" (which I would bet my dick she isn't), there is nothing more dangerous than what you are doing.

As Mary O'Malley said, unless there is more to this story than you have said, your wife is blameless in this.  I won't question whether she deserves to be cheated on with escorts.  However, if you have had the back burner hots for your "ex" for all this time, you have to make a decision sometime.  If you are in your 40's, you are at a point where you can be a MAN and assert your self-control, and choose to BE HONEST.  If you end up fucking her and the sex is good (which, given your pent up feelings, it is almost impossible it won't be), you think you are going to want it to stop, especially with the "same old wife" at home?  It will fuck you up, dude...more than you already are.  I promise you.  If you were the type to just turn it off, you wouldn't have asked this question on here.

If you potentially want something more than sex from your friend, then you should tell her this, tell her that you want to respect your wife and not cheat (which your friend will MAJORLY respect) but that you want to consider the options for you two now that she is a widow.  If you find that you both feel that this is your "destiny", then be a man and separate from your wife first instead of having an affair.  You have already found you can have pussy on the side...this is about more than pussy.  Your wife would likely be upset you are seeing escorts...but might forgive you.  You think she is going to forgive you fucking your "one"?

If you think you want to stay married to your wife, then either do not see your friend and tell her why (again, she will RESPECT you for this), or tell her that you can get together but that you HAVE to meet in public places and that you CANNOT be intimate...and you need her to promise to support this (which, again, she will likely respect).

If you are asking this question, I assume you actually care about the possible paths.  If not, you would just fuck your friend and would be high fiving your pals at the bar.  A MAN will not do this.  You made those vows, dude...own up to them.  If you really think you love your "ex", be honest with your wife (either now or later) that you don't feel it for her and let her go before she has to deal with you fucking her up like that.
Think about how you would feel in her place if you loved her and it was your wife who was gonna fuck around with some guy who has what you don't.

Are you nuts? This board is about cheating on wives for $. Do you think anyone will say "no don't do it" because if you don't pay for it, it's wrong?

Go for it man, or stop sniveling.

I'd hit it. But I pay strange women for sex...who am I to make moral judgments on your decisions?

Were you already planing on hobbying?  In that case would you be telling your wife?
 Telling your wife puts a burden on her so that you don't have to feel guilt.  It will heighten her worry level in a situation where she has very little control.
 Finally, how would you feel about it if things were reversed?
 I would meet the one and talk and see what feelings are there.  Maybe do the wild thing and still see what is there.  Lots can change in 20 years.  I think the time to tell your wife is when you have decided to leave her for the other woman or when you think the two of you need to go into couples therapy to deicde whether to split.
 You have an interesting problem for sure.  Good luck

The "one" knows how I feel about her as we talk at least once a week. Yes, my wife knows I talk to the "one" often as I helped her through the death of her husband, I am a good listener.  I told the "one" yesterday I was struggling with this decision as I am a guy and you know what that means...she just chuckled.  I honestly think she has no intention of meeting me to have a three day torid affair..she just needs some adult conversation versus talking to her 14 year old all day.

As one of the responses said, if I don't meet her I will regret it for the rest of my life.  

If I do meet her and do not tell my wife, I will regret it for the rest of my life.  

As for the hobby I have lurked not touched at this point.  My wife and I do not connect at all sexually but the rest of our marraige is solid as a rock.

Thanks everyone, I appreciate the input.

sheese.!  If you are having paid sex with providers behind your wife's back... well?  I suspect that no matter what is said on this board, you're gonna do this...

so!  this sound like bragging to me?!

What would you do in Vegas if you weren't meeting her?  

Would you see a provider there? If so then the cheating aspect goes out the window- I'm not sure if that was your worry or not.....

You have to ask yourself how happy are you really with your wife?  I do know this, from a personal standpoint, if I was married and was happy/content with my wife then I would never do anything that would hurt her.... but thats a another topic for another thread  lol

From the sounds of it you don't really want to pursue anything physical but question your self-control.....

As for your choices....
1.  Best choice- especially if nothing happens (and you know what I mean)

2.  Don't understand this one, why would you tell her, unless you have a sudden urge to be in the dog house- this one is you saying to your wife "I'm meeting an old flame whom I'm crazy about and want to bang her, do you mind?"

3.  This is the way to go if you want to cancel with your friend.  I'm sure she'd understand and its not rude or mean spirited

Another thing is, has your friend implied that she wants to be physical with you while there? Does she know how you really feel? Does she feel the same way?  Can you honestly say you'll be able to let this go once you guys leave?  It will eat at you... and you know it, why else would you ask?

In my honest opinion, what's in the past should stay in the past.... for whatever reason it didn't work out and you guys went seperate ways....

This might not be too helpful but in the end its your call, just remember that there are other people's feelings involved in all this not just yours.... you're going to have to live with the consequences....



-- Modified on 5/25/2007 6:57:16 AM

pursue her.  Otherwise, go home and live out your whoremongering life with your wife like you promised you would when you married her.

if you really can't blow off the guilt trip then, don't go at all. Telling your wife, before or after, is not the way to go, unless you actually make it through the Vegas weekend without banging your friend.  That seems quite unlikely to me.  She wants to see you precisely because she knows how much you want her.  Even if she doesn't want to be with you long term she wants to be wanted like that again.  When I was twenty five I turned down a sure thing when my girlfriend (now wife) was out of town.  I felt proud of myself for being able to walk away, proud for about 10 years.  For the next 20 years of a virtually sexless marriage I have regretted turning down that POA.  I really don't think it would have changed the course of my life.  But it would have been a memory of tasting the fullness of life rather than of backing away from it.

If she is really THE ONE, you need to verify this.  My advice:
Do not tell the wife.
See her.
Fuck her, if that's where it goes.
Evaluate your life.

early on in my marriage, I had two proposals - one by a gal who just ooozed sleazy sex... the other - was a student (who worked as a secretary in the company I was with) who was having trouble with one of her subjects (that just happened to be my expertise).  I helped her (she was also an aerobics instructor and looked it), she passed and was gratefull.... one day she came into my office and asked what she could do to "demonstrate" her grattitude! lol!! I passed.... but man!  knowing what I know now?  lol!  hummm????   actually probably not, just the way my mind works... but it would be more tempting now... than then.  when I was innocent.... right.!!!

eventually one of two things will occur, one of you will seek sexual gratification outside the marriage or one of you will file for divorce....

and do not assume that YOU will be the one who finds sexual gratification outside the marriage... that is the mistake that I made.

If this woman knows how you feel about her and STILL wants to see you alone, don't be niave and think that all she wants is adult conversation.  She can get that on the phone.  I'll say it again, this is a dangerous situation to your marriage.  Sex, just once, with this woman isn't possible.  She is NOT a provider.  She will expect more...no matter what she says now.  Sex changes everything...for both of you.  If your marriage is rock solid except for sex, consider hobbying, but do NOT consider an affair unless you are willing to end your marriage.  Sex with a stranger is one thing.  Sex with an old flame is quite another.  

It sounds like you're worried more about YOUR feelings in this matter.  You must remember there are two other people involved here..both of which are emotionally involved with you.  Just how many people do you plan to hurt to satisfy your itch?

You wrote:

'My wife and I do not connect at all sexually but the rest of our marraige is solid as a rock.'

Dude, quite simply your marriage is not solid as a rock.  You may love your wife deeply even with the poor sex life but the mere fact that you still refer to a 20-year long past friend as the 'one' speaks volumes.

just not the "Hon" part.

As usual, great honest and forthright advice.

Just my opinion...
B

It's better to regret something you have done, than to regret something you haven't done.

From the song "Satan" by Orbital.

I find that there's almost nothing that rock stars don't know.

You ripped the words right from my mouth. Somehow posting an "I’m conflicted about seeing another woman behind my wife's back" question on a site that is dedicated to the escort business screams out hypocrisy. Are you this conflicted when you make a call to a provider? Get serious if you are posting on here and married you have already "cheated" on your wife, what’s the difference between paying for it with cash or with drinks and dinner?

Hit it, hit again, then get back on a flight and do your wife, just like the rest of us.

"I find that there's almost nothing that rock stars don't know."

LOL!!

But I dunno about cliches.  Depends on what's done and not; and in fact the distinction (between doing and not) is a false dichotomy.

Fantastic response!  This Dude is heading for a train wreck. If he's really serious just to see her he might consider taking his wife to LV with him, re-kindling any sex life that remains, and the three of them sharing a dinner together. That might cool him off from a disaster and re-build trust with his wife.  I lived in LV, and it's temptations are incremental and insidious.  Does he really think his tryst will stop there?  Once he succumbs, the chain expands to emails, phone calls, fake business trips, and utter destruction.

You mean you're hittin his wife too?  Damn, I thought I was her only "extra".  Shit, I bet she gives you the "back door" too?  Oh well...

Each person must find their own way...
 -- DH

very few can keep a secret of this magnitude...  and that is part of the equation.  If you slept with the lady in question, well, could you keep that secret? Forever?  

Cheating is cheating.  He needs to be honest about what he wants, make a decision and prepare to deal with the consequences.

You think his wife will let it go if she were a provider and there was no emotional attachment?  Why do so many hobbyists keep it a secret from their spouses then?

Do wives feel worse if there's love?  If a hobbyist went to his wife and said "I fucked over 30 women but I paid them and don't love any of them"  Would a wife say "Thank god it was JUST sex"?

Being a hobbyist carries the same risks to your relationship as an affair.  If sex with this woman only once is impossible, how about sex with providers?

it stays in Vegas. Good point. Have a good Memorial weekend, BSD,

I am a wife, and my vote is to definately see her and NOT tell your wife. Nothing good can come of it. Don't cause her to suffer the thoughts that will race through her mind(whether true or not)just so you can have a guilt free conscious. Just see your friend and take it from there.

With an affair there is an on-going emotional relationship with a third party.  My point was he needed to consider the feelings of ALL those involved.  With a provider after the deed is done, the relationship ends.  There is no expectation of more.  He needs then only to deal with himself and his wife.  With an affair, the expectation is that there is always more.  Eventually, she will expect him to leave his wife based on what he said his feelings are for her.  There is no such expectation with a provider.  He can stop anytime he chooses.  While I agree that a wife will see cheating as cheating, a jilted lover is MUCH MORE likely to call his wife and out him (out of revenge or a desire to see the marriage end) than a provider.  So, I'll say it again...unless he's prepared to sacrifice his marriage, he should not see this lady.

Are you saying you pay for women who are strange? Which is different than strange women?  Sometimes both things can be true!  

Jenni (couldn't resist that one)!  LOL

That's a good one News Flash!  I got together with "the one" once, ewwwwwwww!!!!!  He had the strangest tick and alot of hair growing out of his nose!!!  You may find that she (to you) or you (to her) are just not attractive anymore.  

I have had that experience both ways.......

Jenni

it has occurred to me that while he's in Vegas anyways he ought to let the decision ride on a spin of the routlette wheel.

Red = He sees her.
Black = He doesn't.

0 or 00 he goes on line to TER and finds the best provider he can in town.

It's amazing how such a relatively simple decsion in life can have so many interesting and well thought out answers.

Take a bow everyone who participated.

I met someone I was in love with years ago (but I'm not married) and -- although I was still very attracted to him and he made me shake -- I found him very conceted. Our lifestyles would never match, so it was good that I could put those things into perspective and move on.
Thanks for sharing your story! Smooch.

Hugs,
ciara

Whatever you do don't tell your wife. If you feel guilty about this or anything else you've done, for that matter, keep the suffering to yourself. Telling her won't relieve your suffering, but will makie two people unhappy, instead.

-- Modified on 5/26/2007 1:27:23 PM

When I was younger I would have wanted to know if my husband was cheating on me. Now, I wouldn't want to know because what I don't know can't hurt me, especially if it was only once and with a provider.

As a provider, I know that it's strictly business. As a personal lover, more feelings are involved. The boundries are more clearly defined in a professional relationship, although some people still get attached. I would tend to be more hurt by another woman who he is in love with than just seeing a provider for sex. However, that doesn't justify cheating. I am single. That's why I provide. I cannot say I would never have an affair if I were married but I doubt it. But I do not place guilt on anyone in my life right now. How could I? Look what I'm doing. I'd like to think that I make it easier for men to stay with their wife and kids. I guess that's what I would like to believe. Just my .02 cents!

Hugs & stay safe and private,
Ciara

and go back to your wife, don't forget the requisite gift.  Be sure to get your wife  something thoughtful and tasteful to assuage your guilt.  A nice necklace or bracelet from Harry Winston's (how convenient they have a Vegas location!) to commemorate the fact you fucked another woman would be fitting.

PS: Hopefully, you won't have to do this and you'll heed the advice of Mr.SD.

Since the comment was a tangent to the original post anyway...seemed appropriate underneath you!

My point was simply that none of us know his marriage, his situation, his friend, etc....and nobody can decide for another.  Perhaps the marriage is long over and its best for everyone to embrace that.  Or perhaps his marriage is improved by a healthy side relationship.  Or that it forces all of them to realize that life is way too short for games and regrets.

In short - a simplistic point-by-point analysis (marriage, love, fidelity, etc) are as meaninglessly counterpointed by considering a great set of tits - which is more fun anyway.

 Love Ya, DH


-- Modified on 5/27/2007 8:00:31 AM

WTF is he agonized about hurting the wife over doing the GF when he's doing providers?

I agree that an affair is riskier than going to A provider ONCE, since it might get out of hand, but people rarely go to a provider once -  especially if they're members of TER.

Going to a providers over a period of time just increases chances of exposure as well.  The provider might not call the house and out him, but he might start getting careless and leaving clues around.  At that point I don't think the wife will care whether he's had one affair over several years, or several paid fucks over one year.

Fundamentally, this is someone he's known for a while, not someone he just met at an office party.    He'll have to decide what to do based on knowing her, but he's already cheated on his wife with providers so let's be honest about where this is headed.

-- Modified on 5/27/2007 11:11:50 PM

and I agree with you about him already making the jump onto the TER bandwagon. But that's something he is going to have to decide for himself and either get out of a marriage or suffer the consequences of his actions. Whatever he chooses, I hope it's right for him. I'm more concerned over the hurt it's going to cause someone, but that's life, right?

Have a great day, sweetie!

Hugs,
Ciara