"Knowing what you know now ... would you do it again?" No.
That's because what I "know now", the new information that modifies my decision-making, isn't about the side-effects of the hobby. It's about how to get away from what drove me to the hobby in the first place -- my earlier inability to get laid with civilian women.
I don't WANT to be in the hobby. I want to fuck hot-looking civilian women. (Actually, I want to be on the Hollywood A-list, and get a "go" at certain micro-starlets on the rise, as well.) The hobby was, at first, a "worst of all situations" solution that provided a stop-gap (ahem) measure; then it became an obsession, or addiction, or emotional crutch, or I-don't-know-what-to-call-it. But I don't LIKE what it does in my life.
As I learn to land hotter civilian women, I move AWAY from the hobby. Thank Goodness ... When I pay for it, I feel like I haven't "earned" it. I want a gorgeous woman (or two, or ten!) to WANT to be with me, not be paid to be with me. I know, I know, even in many civilian hook-ups and marriages, the woman is there more because of the sense of emotional "security" (her term for free financial support) that she gets from the man, and especially in North America the man is there to pay, pay, pay, even if the woman has decided she "likes" him rather than "charges" him for the companionship. But I've learned that part of the game, and I'm not worried about it. I'm convinced I can find women who stand outside of that economic exchange.
Not that I criticize anyone out there who does hobbying out of his own choice, I loudly praise you for having the courage to do something (not only illegal) seldom sanctioned by the Puritanical society we're surrounded by. To stand outside public norms is a difficult thing. I'm on your side. You are (probably) male, and have a right to unfettered sexual activity free of the type of sanction required by the moral Right Wing. Keep up the good work! Men make their own choices, I don't criticize them. I suggest that SOME people on this forum are experiencing the same ambivalence toward the hobby I feel, and I recommend they start to think about why it is that they're feeling that ambivalence. But, hey, to each his own.
For me, the hobby is a crutch, not a fulfillment. "The only down side," you say, "has been that every once in a while ... a GREAT while .... you visit a provider a couple times and find yourself thinking that she could be "the one." " I too experienced this feeling, once or twice too often. I get it sometimes with strippers I only "meet" at the club, and don't even get full service with. Then I began to recognize, that the criteria by which a certain woman could start to be "the one" in my mind, were largely contingent on sweetness and physical appearance. And, when I started LETTING myself reject civilian women who were simply NOT PHYSICALLY ATTRACTIVE ENOUGH, I started to realize that hobbying was just a crutch, not a fulfillment. I have never ever gotten that feeling with a civilian girl, even those who became my long-term girlfriends. And I know for a fact that it is largely because the civilians were simply less attractive, physically, than other people I've held in my lap. So far, the really gorgeous ones have all been paid, and my goal is to change that.
So, I've learned to let my real desires have greater sway in my life. I don't "settle" for civilian partners who aren't attractive enough. I stop entering into the "typical" boy girl arrangements (which, no surprise, also include the "typical" expectations of monetary support) and I'm looking for people who can stand outside the system, who can think for themselves, who are physically stunning, who are female. I don't know why I think I deserve these people to be my partners. I basically don't. I am poor as a church mouse (which I'm thankful for! otherwise, I never would have had to reconsider the hobby!) and I'm not career-wise directed toward any major success in academia any more (which I'm also thankful for! otherwise, I never would have started working toward what I really want, and would have kept on doing what I was already doing "just cuz"). But I'm stronger in my core, and more aware of the real me, and who that person can be, than ever before, and I'm sure some beautiful woman will want to be near that for a while, I'm sure of it.
But they're few and far between, their standards are strange (I used to say, "high," but now I don't give them that credit) from a lifetime of success in a system I'm asking them to question (they are, after all, beautiful women, and therefore have been catered to for all their lives). This means periods of drought, during which no hotties have agreed to fuck me. Do I see a provider in these hiatuses? If I do, then it's somehow allowing me to not go out to try to meet strangers or not go sign up for another social dance class or another choir or another outlet of some sort where I might meet a gorgeous civilian, or not work on my screenplay or on my show business career so that I can get "in" with the Hollywood starlets. It's an EXCUSE to take the easy road toward only feeling like I'm bonding with beautiful women, rather than TRULY bonding.
Of course, I haven't managed to land a hottie, ever, in the civilian world. It's still just a pipe dream. But I'm still determined to work at it ... Sometimes I think it would be smart to distance myself from places like TER, to partly accomplish this goal of distancing myself from the hobby. I don't know, whether that's smart or not. I think these discussions are helpful, and certainly enlightening to me if not to anybody else. Heck, it's free to post! (By the way, that reminds me, it's not free to maintain the level of membership required to be able to access the private messaging feature. If people want to email me, as I periodically notify, please find me at bookguy at mail dot com.)
-- Modified on 7/16/2003 12:32:11 PM
Another) question for the guys
o it again? NO NO NO NO