Has anybody here had a perfectly good marriage, in all aspects of life, except for sexual chemistry. And decided to gamble it all away because of the intense sexual chemistry they felt for someone else? (not a provider)

How did it work out?

It certainly wasn't my intention, but that's the way it ended up.  Two years of incredibly passionate sex with a gorgeous woman- the best of my life, followed by a long painful period as I dealt with the aftermath.

Whatever your motivaton for asking the question, let me just urge caution, because we men tend to confuse sexual chemistry for a lot of things, including love.  It can make us reckless and lose perspecitve in the process.  After a while, you're doing things you'd never do if you had your wits about you, and so is the other woman.  

In my case the one-in-a-million chance that can never happen, happened.  Someone spotted me with her (in a borrowed car, no less) in a small town I'd never even been to before that was about 60 miles from where we lived.   And this was a little hick town that nobody went to either (I was just going to get some remodeling materials).  

See a provider for an hour and save your marriage- get involved with a civilian and say goodbye to life as you currently know it.    

 

After being together with my man for 5 years, the man never wanted sex. In the beginning of our relationship I would ask and at times beg for sex. (There was always a reason why he didn't.) So when I starting "working",  I stopped asking(there was no reason why I should.)
He noticed that when I was home I wasn't really home.
I was talking to my clients more and more.
After he thought I was having an affair, it finally hit him. He all of a sudden changed (no he was not having an affair at all.)
He wanted to spend time with me and the first couple of times he wanted sex, I told him to hold on. You can't push someone aside for 5 years then all of a sudden expect me to be ok with it. I wasn't. Its slowly working, but boy did we both change.

Shaye

Coulda, woulda, should, but didn't. Story of my life. He loved me, but I loved someone else, and he love her, but she loved another man. Age old story. You want monogamy? Marry a swan. Until then, get use to the fact nothing last forever and move on or get a provider.

Stick with providers. They can be fabulous with no demands. Just great sex with no strings. Yes, you can have it all if you are extemely careful. No DATY, BBBJ, DFK and play clean. I do. And have been happily married for years, sexually and otherwise.

It's one of the age old problems with long term relationships, isn't it?  Maybe people need to date much longer before they marry - long enough for that initial rush of lust to die down, so you can figure out if your sexual appetites are really compatible.  And in this world, we don't place nearly enough emphasis on sexual compatibility, there are all those talk shows that tell you if you're "mature" enough, you can compromise.

Having been in that exact position when I was married, I did have the affair, (he lived in the neighbourhood, and we spent about a year eyeing each other hungrily before it happened, a huge build up of lust,) and I can tell you it was a profoundly disorienting experience.  Like being on a rollercoaster, especially when you're still in love with the spouse, from the highs of sexual bliss to crushing guilt.

But after it all, I can say I was better for the experience.  So, I would say, go for the ride but be prepared for it to change everything!

-Anya

Sex is important, but the other stuff is far more important!  

The risk of an affair is very high and not worth it.  I've seen the results of too many friends affairs and almost all were sorry they'd done it and many of those actually didn't have that great a marriage, IMHO, in the first place.

A good provider is discreet and will do a great job of filling that one important void.

It's interesting how sex w/a provider is viewed as less harmful than sex in an affair.  Is the difference that there's a supposed emotional investment between the parties in the affair?  In reading some prior posts there seems to be plenty of emotional investments between clients and providers too.

An affair or fling outside of your marriage is like playing Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun. BANG! your dead.
  Stick to seeing providers. Then all you have to concern yourself with is your wife finding a number or an e-mail, getting a cold call at an bad time, agonizing over your concern for STDs, coming up with stories to cover your tracks and of course falling in love with your provider or her with you.
              See how simple it all is?

  Cm.

What I fear is that it might be the risk and danger of an affair that I'm addicted to, as well as the challenge to successfully pull it off.

Also, the excitement and adrenalin rush that's associated with it, adds an intensity to the sex which can't be emulated without having clear & present danger. It's sort of like the difference between holding up a bank, versus simply using the ATM.

Maybe I should take up hangliding, or something similar that would scare the livin' shit out of me, without involving others.

I appreciate all your advise,

- "Still" Confused Married Guy (but working on it)

Put a bullet in my 38 and spin, and see what happens. The rush beats xenedrine and makes the next day more relevant.

To be perfectly honest, affairs are addictive.  Sure, the guilt can be crushing at times, but the thrill and excitement is incredible.  BUT, be ready for the aftermath because I assure you that you will get caught, sooner or later.  Don't say it won't happen to me, because it will.  I had multiple affairs and thought I was too cool, I'll never get caught, I'm too slick and discreet.  Trust me -- it will catch up to you.  If you are prepared to deal with that, then go for it.  Otherwise, stick to providers.  Much, much less baggage.

How did you get caught?

Did it end in divorce?

I married my high school sweetheart in 1972.  We had a typical marriage of ups and downs.  The sex was never all that.  After nearly twenty years of marriage, I had an affair with my secretary (of all people).  The sex was great.  I deperately wanted to leave my wife and son to begin a new and exciting life with this younger, more beautiful woman.  My wife knew all about it, but wouldn't give in to negative emotions.  She wouldn't throw me out (that would have to be MY decision).  Instead, she remained a lady, and a devoted partner.  Eventually, I saw that I was making a terrible mistake, and ended my affair.  That was in 1989.  My wife recognized some of the problem was her fault, and together, we worked on rebuilding our marriage.  We beacme best friends, and developed a staggering sex life.  We maintained this near-perfect marriage until my wife dies of cancer last year.  Had that not happened, I wouldn't even know this board existed.  Please...think long and hard before you do something a lot of people may regret for a very long time.

That's a helpful story - although very sad too. I hope you find happiness again.

I was also inspired by your comments in the above thread on a similar subject.

“Remember, when you jump to a newer, shinier track, the excitment fades withing a few months.  The sex gets old in about a year, and the looks go within ten or so.  After all the dust settles, and the glitz dies down, one's left with warmth, comraderie, trust, friendship, and companionship -- qualities I found in my wife.”

-Good stuff.

Being able to hear similar stories, and advice from all these great people - who are more clear thinking than myself, (at the moment) is great therapy.

Thanks for your thoughts everybody, this is a great place!!!